Life Check Yourself

Marni welcomes the CEO of Marriage Helper and Host of the podcast, It Starts with Attraction, Kimberly Beam Holmes to the Life Check Yourself studio. Kimberly has a Master's in Psychology and for over 10 years she has been researching the ways attraction affects people personally and the relationships they hold near and dear to their hearts.

Key takeaways from this episode:

• How to dig deep into another person through curiosity

• The Love Path method

• Be compassionate before you rule a guy out

• How to reignite the attraction of a spouse or significant other

The Phases of Falling and Staying in Love [2:43]

Most people don’t know that there is a process to falling in love. They often think it is just chemistry or a pre-destined soulmate but in reality, any two people who follow Kimberly's process will fall in love. On the flip side of that, if a couple steps away from the process they could start falling out of love.

At Marriage Helper, Kimberly’s team helps couples fall back in love. The Love Path method is researched-based and time-tested. There are four steps in the Love Path:

1. P.I.E.S. Attraction

2. Acceptance

3. Attachment

4. Aspiration

The more people focus on body appearance the more their self-worth decreases.

Trust is paramount in a relationship. We can’t break down our protective walls until we know that another person loves us for who we truly are. We all need to be accepted for our true selves.

Long-term relationships are made up of people who share visions, aspirations, and goals for their future together. When we start dating we tend to have shared goals but after time as we achieve our goals, many couples get bogged down in careers, kids, and chores.

Life can pull us apart if we are not intentional about keeping our relationship together.

Make a Connection:

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• Kimberly’s Marriage Helper Website

Marni welcomes Sex and Relationship Coach Melanie Curtin into the Life Check Yourself studio. Melanie is a writer with a Master’s from Stanford. She has been featured on the Today show, New York Observer, and she hosts the Dear Men Podcast: How to Rock Sex, Dating, and Relationships With Women.

Key takeaways from this episode:

• Four reasons women are afraid to give men feedback about sex

• Can chemistry be created when none exists

• Tips for speaking up about what feels good

• Where most men get their sexual training and why it’s bad for women

Research Says To Have Better Sex… [1:06]

Melanie started collecting data about feelings and communication with surveys embedded in her articles. She wanted to hear from other women about their sexual experiences with men, specifically if they had ever broken up with a man because of the sex.

Many of the women she surveyed said yes they did break up with men because of the sex. When asked if they offered feedback to the men they broke up with they said no, they were afraid to give men feedback.

There are four reasons women are afraid to give men feedback about sex. Melanie shares three:

1. They are afraid they will be attacked or shamed.

2. The man will withdraw and leave.

3. The man will compare them to another woman.

Consider feedback as an opportunity to make an adjustment rather than to take it personally. Many men feel that they should already know what they are doing. But, men are also getting most of their sexual examples from porn and porn is severely inaccurate when it comes to the time it takes a woman to achieve arousal.

It can take women over three times longer to reach full physiological arousal than men.

Can Chemistry in a Relationship Be Created? [29:28]

Melanie works with a lot of men. She says, in our culture, many men don’t show up in their full vitality and are disconnected from their power. If there isn’t chemistry at first kiss Melanie says to make sure you are fully in your feminine first and then try again. She doesn’t have a strong opinion either way on whether women should give it a second chance.

How a Woman Can Tell a Man What Feels Good [36:36]

Melanie offers up two ways women can help guide men into having a better sexual experience for both partners.

1. Mention what works for you aka positive reinforcement.

2. Let men say what works for them and ask them what their favorite part of sex was.

Figuring out your partner and how they get turned on is an act of love.

Make a Connection:

• Visit Our Website

• Sign Up For Our Ignite Your Life October 2022 Waitlist!

• Learn How To Attract Your Perfect Equal… Watch Our Latest Training Here!

• Follow Along On Marni and Jeremy’s Radical Living Challenge!

• Download A Complimentary Copy Of Our Book — How To Find A Quality Guy Without Going On 200 Dates

• Melanie Curtin Website & Please Her in Bed

Marni welcomes fellow podcast dating host Amber Grubenmann to the Life Check Yourself studio. Amber is the creator of the highly-rated Women’s Dating and Confidence Podcast plus she helps ladies go from just dating to exclusive through her coaching programs.

Key takeaways from this episode:

• Why women have sex before they are ready

• Tips for creating a long-term, meaningful relationship

• Exploring your inner sexiness

• Men’s expectations around sex

Set the Stage for the Type of Relationship You Want [1:50]

Amber shares some of the most common comments she hears from the women she works with about their mindset around why they have had sex early in a relationship or when they may not be ready:

• If he has sex with me it means he likes me.

• I need to show him how good it is.

• If he doesn’t get it from me, he’s going to get it from someone else.

• I need to see if we are sexually compatible.

• If I don’t have sex with him, I will disappoint him.

Amber tells her clients that if they want to go from dating to exclusive, to introduce sex once they feel confident and secure in a relationship.

There are things you can do in dating that increase the probability of a certain type of relationship.

How to Cultivate the Right Mindset [10:28]

Relationships are a human need and men really want them. Taking the time in the early stages of a relationship to see if a man has the emotional qualities you are looking for will give you the opportunity to explore the sexual connection.

Clarifying your intentions can make the relationship road smoother throughout the entire journey. So explore the person you are dating through conversation. If a relationship starts to feel amazing and you don’t have the conversation, the guy may not be on the same page.

To get what you want, you have to talk about it and ask for it.

Bringing Sexy Back [18:02]

Everyone wants to feel sexy. But, often we have things that hold us back from feeling fully into our sexuality. Amber offers some tips women can use to get comfortable with their bodies and their sexuality.

• Have a self-pleasure practice to learn what you like and what turns you on.

• Consider what are the factors that allow you to enhance or disrupt your feeling sexual? What factors allow your nervous system to relax?

Inner sexiness is unconditional and different for all of us.

Many women believe that men have certain expectations around sex because some have felt the pressure to have sex at some point in their lives. But, sex will never create security in a connection. So, if you are looking for a long-term commitment, leading with sex doesn’t give you the emotional security you need for long-term happiness.

If you want a meaningful relationship, don’t treat it casually.

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Women’s Dating And Confidence Podcast

Marni and Chris are joined by Reality Rayna aka Marni’s daughter Rayna Battista to recap Love on the Spectrum, a reality dating show with neurodiverse contestants. This is Chris’s favorite reality dating show because the daters are obsessed with the truth and are authentic. Marni says neurotypical daters do the same things but it’s all happening on the inside.

Key takeaways from this episode:

• The beauty of honesty in relationships

• How to be coachable

• Finding something fun to do for a first date

• Not taking things personally

Dani & Solomon [4:26]

Dani has her own business, loves animation, and is dead set on finding someone. She holds high standards for herself and others. She is high-functioning on the autism scale. She says she wants a business partner, lover, and best friend!

Solomon is attractive, into spirituality, and also high-functioning on the autism scale. On their first date, Dani & Solomon have crazy physical chemistry. They kiss a lot! But it throws Dani off. She wasn’t prepared for so much physical attraction. She got overwhelmed.

Dani exhibits every inner feeling of any woman going on a date with a hot guy. But she has no inner monologue, so she says to Solomon “You are so hot. I love you” and, “I think you are my person” on their first two dates. Then after date number two, she puts on the brakes. She may have sabotaged the relationship and put her guard up because it was too much, too fast.

We sabotage great possibilities because we get emotionally attached and scared. It’s a protective mechanism. We need to get clear about what we really want.

Next, Dani goes on a date with Adan. He seems to be everything she is looking for but she doesn’t find him attractive.

Subodh, Abbey, Rachel, & David [17:58]

A giant dating lesson from these dates is that dinner is not the best way to get to know another person. Subodh and Abbey went on really fun dates. They both love animals so they went to the zoo. They both enjoyed themselves and it got them out of their comfort zones in a nice way.

Also, the couples used a basic communication style which is what creates connection. Sure, Abbey got nervous when she went out with David because we all get nervous on a date when sharing things about ourselves.

Just because you are neurotypical, doesn’t mean you are supposed to know how to make connections and create intimacy.

A great example of how not to take things personally is when David asks Abbey for some of the candy he brought her and she tells him no. He says “OK. It’s probably not good for me anyway.” Abbey knows how to say no at the moment which is monumental for not feeling resentment later.

Breaking Up with Dignity and Respect [28:58]

A high-quality person will communicate even when it is bad news. For example, Dani knows it is going to hurt Solomon’s feelings when she tells him she isn’t interested in dating him again. It is hard for her to do but she respects him enough to tell him.

It is important to be forthright and treat your date the way you want to be treated.

Another example is after the medieval date, James asks Emma if she wants to go out on another date and she says “No. I think we should just be friends.” It is so brave. There are no excuses, only truth.

When you don’t say what you feel. You are assuming the other person can’t handle the truth. It’s disrespectful.

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Marni speaks to a 5 Keys to Becoming Irresistible program graduate about how she found the love of her life in her 40s. After finishing the program, Naomi met her fiance and soon-to-be father of her child on a dating app. She shares what she was missing before joining the program, what she learned during the program, and how she applied the knowledge to meet the love of her life.

Key takeaways from this episode:

• Don’t give up on your dreams.

• All men are not the same.

• Reach out for help when you have tried everything.

• Stop sabotaging yourself.

Giving Up Without Putting Your Best Self Out There [2:11]

Naomi remembers she was 43 and in a rough place. She had been in a long-term relationship that couldn’t last. She got really attached to a guy she had only dated for a week. She knows she wanted kids but her biological clock was ticking. She was even trying to get pregnant on her own with some of the guys she dated.

When you realize you are starting to accept that you may not be able to achieve your dreams, that's when it's time to double down.

Be All You Can Be [6:28]

Naomi had looked online but what drew her to the 5 Keys to Becoming Irresistible program was the vibe that this program was going to be about how she could be the best person she could be to draw in the right person at the right time. She wanted to be in the right headspace to navigate a solid relationship.

There comes a time when you are the common denominator.

During the program, Naomi found the narrowing down of the qualities she was truly looking for super helpful and how to get vulnerable during the dating process. She even got help from Helen, so she could text just the right thing after the program ended.

Biggest Takeaways from the Program [28:48]

Naomi says she may have missed out on THE guy if you generalize all men as the same. Her advice for other ladies who may be ready to give up:

• Have an open mind.

• Don't make excuses.

• Don’t want something so badly that you try to make someone something they are not.

• Be brave enough to wait for the right person.

Her biggest takeaways from the 5 Keys program:

• She has a greater sense of who she is.

• She gained clarity about what she wanted.

• She put herself in situations where she would meet more people.

Make a Connection:

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Marni speaks to the founder of Ordinary Sherpa, Heidi Dusek. Heidi is known as a catalyst, healthy disruptor, and unshakable optimist. She is passionate about challenging the status quo, driving change, and designing experiences. Her forthcoming book, Beyond Normal, inspires families to create authentic travel experiences through meaningful UN-tourism. Listen in to see how she is designing a life of meaningful experiences that inspire joy.

Key takeaways from this episode:

• Challenge the status quo

• Create meaningful experiences

• Traveling differently — UN-tourism

• Simple is better

• How to say yes!

Challenge the Status Quo

The pandemic felt like the universe decided to challenge the status quo. It changed everyone in the world’s life. This means that right now we have a unique opportunity to grab onto a new normal that better serves us. And, with more and more companies offering positions for virtual work, we no longer need to orient our lives around where we work. It is a freedom past generations didn't have.

Heidi has long pondered the concept of work-life balance. She recognized that there is no such thing, work is part of life. She decided only to have things in her life that made her joyful. Joy was her North Star. She recommends writing the narrative of what you want your life to be and then designing your new life around that narrative. Heidi's mantra is “I want every day to feel like vacation.”

Highlight the joy of life and get a bit uncomfortable challenging your status quo.

UN-Tourism: Travel Differently

Adventure is about finding out about new places other travelers haven’t discovered before. Heidi recalls a story of a small diner that never would have been on her radar if the gas station attendant had not recommended it. Her family loved it and it didn’t cost a fortune to feed a family of five.

All types of travelers can create a meaningful life on any type of budget. It normally doesn’t take as much planning as we think it does. Scale it back to the basics and relish in your relationships instead of high-priced adventures. It can be less about what you are doing and more about enjoying the journey and getting through the rough spots.

What do you really want out of your life?

Simple Adventures Can Be Worth More

Heidi made a conscious decision to create a “Year of Yes.” Every time she had an opportunity she challenged herself to say yes. It’s a reminder that everyone has the power to change their story. You don’t need to make the giant, life-altering decisions, just change one thing that challenges you.

What if there is no tomorrow? Do it now!

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Ordinary Sherpa

Beyond Normal: A field guide to embrace adventure, explore the wilderness, and design an extraordinary life with kids

Marni and Chris move on to dissect a new show, The Ultimatum: Marry or Move On. The new series means a new group of 20-something couples but the same relationship issues. Does everyone who issued an ultimatum get their way? Was an ultimatum the best way to wash out the issues or is it just a manipulation tool?

Key takeaways from this episode:

• Ultimatums can be pattern interrupters

• Wherever you go, there you are

• Defaulting to bad behaviors

• Ultimatums are the opposite of dating with dignity

Manipulating Another Person to Get What You Want

It seems that all the contestants thought they would go on the show and then get their way. So, it begs the question, when we make an ultimatum, are we using manipulation as a tool to make the other person do what we want? Or, we are at our wit’s end and are tired of having our non-negotiables infringed upon?

Marni says it is unfortunate but people usually only make changes because they reach a pain point. Chris says some of the couples may be using the ultimatum as a pattern interrupter, an effort to make the other person aware of their patterns that cross a boundary.

If someone gives you an ultimatum is it based on a problem you have or is it about them?

People tend to think they can find someone better but later come to realize maybe they can not. The show highlights this. If the issue is to marry or not to marry, an ultimatum can take the “fantasy” or made-up “other person” out of the equation.

The Ultimatum Couples

The internet loves April after she tells Jake there is a reason why they are not working and it is total BS to acquiesce without solving the issue. Lauren and Nate talk about the baby in a side conversation. Loren accepts Nate’s proposal during the show but says they need therapy. Hunter doesn’t want anyone else to have Alexis. He seems to be more motivated by fear than love.

If a person gives IN to an ultimatum right away, the issue will likely resurface at some time during the relationship.

Marni reminds us that even if we find someone we believe to be perfect for us, we remain the same until we do the work. Wherever you go, there you are. If we have a problem that has run through all of our relationships, maybe it is time we take a cold hard look at ourselves.

Zay comes home drunk. Rae punches Zay. Zay goes to Shanique to find solace but Shanique calls him out. Zay thought Shanique would accept him no matter how awful he is but she doesn’t. Shanique realizes she needs a grown-up man like Randall.

Colby loves Madeline. They live together and have dogs together but after the ultimatum, she goes to Randall. Randall is obviously putting his best foot forward but he will not have sex with her. She gets validation and connection from the passion of physical touch so it forces her to deal with her stuff.

Off-camera Colby goes out to a club to pick up chicks so he could participate in the experiment. Marni loves the scene where Colby goes to meet up with Madeline and her friends and they all rage against him. They say everything you should never say to someone you love.

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Marni speaks with Sage, Coach, Veteran Business Strategist, and Thought Leader, Kalyn Wilson. Kalyn’s work experience includes influential non-profits, city government, part CEO, principal consultant, and Ph.D. candidate, and has cultivated talent management wins at Fortune 100 companies. Her life and career outlook are inspiring and thought-provoking. There are so many useful nuggets in this episode!

Key takeaways from this episode:

• How to create your life on your terms

• Managing time and timing

• The power of waiting on inspiration

• The new world of work

• The key to flow

What Makes Kalyn So Special? [2:41]

Kalyn knows how to create the life of her dreams. She has always been an advisor. In her youth, her grandmother would let her know the family’s business if she could keep up during conversations. She learned the power of listening and how to quickly read people's facial expressions. Her gift was to be emotionally intelligent enough to know how to respond.

It may not always feel like it, she says but people around us are always paying attention and becoming inspired by our lives in ways we can not always measure.

Recognize your influence and leverage it for good.

How to Get the Life and Career You Deserve [5:34]

Expanding the definition of what is possible for ourselves and using our inner wisdom to know when to take action is how we can create a life we feel in alignment with. Timing makes the difference between us catching a moment or reacting to a moment. The pandemic made a lot of us feel as though we missed our moment a long time ago, but we didn’t. The time is now!

The management of time and timing is critical for success and wellbeing.

Kalyn believes that, for many people, it is the destination they focus on and not the journey they are on. If more people took the time to think about their life as a whole, as a journey they would make strategic decisions about who and where they want to be.

We are not machines. Everything needs rest and recovery. When we do not listen to our inner Self, our immune systems weaken and our bodies get stressed out with anxiety. We inherently know when to stop, we just need to trust our journey and do what is best for us.

Don’t wait too late. Amazing things happen when we listen to the timing of the universe.

The New World of Work [26:13]

The pandemic made working from home the best alternative for employers to keep their workforces producing. Now, they may be motivated to get people back into the office simply because they have so much money invested in the existing real estate. If you prefer working from home, tell employers the value they get from giving you what you want.

Sometimes we play savior in situations that are not worth being saved.

She reminds us that we are moving out of the post-industrial era and work is changing. Previously, corporations held the power to tell us at what pace work should change. In today’s world, talent has the leverage. Tap into what you love to do and where you love to do it. Collect the data, make the ask, and then make decisions about what best aligns with you.

• Get clear about exactly what it is that keeps you feeling in control.

• Be aware of what you want.

• The key to flow is the willingness to balance wait and action.

• Everything doesn’t need to be now, now, now.

• True creatives wait for their inspiration. It comes with divine timing.

• Have compassion for yourself.

Make a Connection:

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Kalyn Wilson

Marni and Chris recap Season Two of Love is Blind. Be warned, Marni binge-watched the season and this episode contains spoilers. Shayne and Sal didn’t win at love but won plenty of female followers, Shaina is custom-made for The Bachelor, and Deepti deserves more than a man-child.

Key takeaways from this episode:

• Overcoming mistakes in relationships

• Acceptance and forgiveness

• Why do people get wasted the night before their wedding?

• How to be rejection-proof

When You Make a Mistake in a Relationship [2:11]

Marni points out that several incidents must have happened off-camera that are integral to the show and the end of the season seemed a bit disjointed because of it. There are pivotal moments when the couples who got married were able to let things go, forgive, and move on.

The biggest shock was when Shayne got wasted the day before his wedding. He truly showed his warts. If you are dating someone and a huge mistake is made, you must be able to accept their apology. Natalie hears the I’m sorry but she couldn’t seem to take in his love and his apology at her soul level. This may result in her building a wall and she may have a hard time opening up in the future. Shayne doesn’t know how to say sorry any other way.

Shayne seemed to see beyond Natalie’s flaws and to love and accept her for who she was. Natalie seemed like she had an idea of who Shayne was but when she figured out she couldn’t control him, she wanted out of the relationship. Shayne told her he wasn’t going to change who he was. He needed her to fight for them and it takes two.

Marni believes Natalie set a boundary to run if something like this ever happened. She was looking for reasons to rule Shayne out rather than in. Generally, when men are with someone like Natalie, they never feel good enough.

A lot of people need to make others wrong to feel good about themselves.

Sal & Mallory Breakup at the Altar [22:52]

Again, something must have happened behind the scenes with Sal and Mal that we didn’t get to see. Chris thinks Mallory was never as into Sal as much as she should have been. The internet disagrees with her. The ladies of the web find Sal endearing and romantic. He gave Mallory space which is refreshing.

Marni reminds us that we are the common denominator in all of our relationships. It could be possible that people who offer us pure love and attention scare us because we don’t know how to accept love and kindness.

Some women create drama where there doesn’t need to be any because they don’t feel worthy of love.

Shake & Deepti [29:43]

Shake did not feel worthy of Deepti, and he is probably right. Even his mother told him to do Deepti a favor and break it off. He is a real jerk on the reunion show. Marni thinks he is in the process of man-volving but isn’t far enough along in his journey to get over the rejection without being childish about it. Deepti deserves a better man.

Make a Connection:

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Marni speaks with the author of Anxiously Attached: Becoming More Secure in Life and Love, Jessica Baum. Jessica is the founder of the Relationship Institute of Palm Beach, a practice that provides couples therapy, family counseling, and addiction therapy. She has worked with thousands of clients for over a decade. She helps clients make a meaningful connection with themselves so they can better understand how they relate to people in relationships.

Key takeaways from this episode:

• Understanding an Anxious Attachment style

• What it means to do “the work”

• Being compassionate toward other people

• Why your body is holding on to past trauma

• Cultivating a great, deep love

How the Anxious Attachment Style Relates to Your Love Life [2:17]

Attachment styles are embedded patterns that get developed early in life. They get embedded in our nervous system. We repeat hurts from childhood in our adult relationships because it is the way we learned to adapt, connect, and survive. For anxious people, it comes with a lot of self-sacrifices.

Twenty-five percent of the population has an anxious attachment style. Secure people can feel anxiety in their relationships but people with an anxious attachment system tend to be hyperfocused on the external. They normally have a deep-seated abandonment wound. The way they survive is to make plans and keep things close. They may seem controlling but they are just trying to create calmness in their world.

People with an anxious attachment style are externally focused because they have trouble getting their own needs met.

Is It Intuition or a Past Trauma? [10:35]

When we are young and our hippocampus is not fully formed, we have implicit memory. When we are little we store sensations in our body. When sensations feel big, we know it is an old feeling that is resurfacing. Jessica reminds us that big sensations can be painful and cause us to lash out.

Awareness, compassion, and the right support can help us change behavior.

What are you doing to distract yourself from having real relationships?

Anxiously Attached: The Book [19:22]

A lot of couples go to Jessica when they are activated without understanding on a conscious level why they are acting the way they are. In her book, Anxiously Attached: Becoming More Secure in Life and Love, Jessica breaks down what is happening to the nervous system of both people in the relationship and describes what they can do to gain a better understanding of what is happening, and what the other person is feeling.

Jessica says that when we form adult relationships we internalize them and they become part of how we build our secure sense of self. It is through these experiences we learn how to self-regulate.

You can’t fake safety but you can cultivate it.

Make a Connection:

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Learn how to attract your perfect equal… watch our latest training here!

Interested in working with us? Book a Breakthrough session at DWDVIP

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Download a Complimentary Copy of our Book — How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates