Miles gets all the extras on his New Orleans vampire tour, while Bob encounters a very knowledgeable lighthouse keeper.

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Bad AI Transcript of the show this week

You tell her to shut up. Goodness gracious. You’re so mean to people. I’m not mean. That’s being mean. I just said wave. That’s being mean. No, no. You told the lady to shut up. She doesn’t have no feelings. She’s like you. She has no feelings. Yeah. Oh my goodness. hey everyone, this is miles title with the static radio Podcast. Podcasting for over 25 years in the nude. What are you what are you drinking like a yogurt smoothie or something? I like to be edgy, you know me. Poor Ken. Look, he can’t even look at you. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Too low. Too low. Too low. He can’t even stand to listen to you. Sorry, man. My goodness. Well, welcome, everybody. Welcome, Ken, to the audience tonight. So nice to have you here. Thank you. It’s big news this week because this probably never happened in the whole time we’ve been recording.
is miles and i went on vacation at the same time. But not together. But not together. Well, never together yeah there’s no no there’s no way in hell i would go with you and your family. No, there’s no way. Oh yeah. It was interesting that it worked out that way. And then for a while i really thought i was going to see you in michigan and i was really dreading it. I lied. I said i was gonna be like stalking you and, Yeah. I went to Mackinac Island in Michigan and you’re like, I’m going to go to Mackinac in Michigan. Don’t you believe it? I’m like, Oh Christ. This is like a nightmare. Because I never told you where I was going. You’re like, oh, no. I found out the same way everybody else did from your nudie pictures that you post online. Come on. Get out of here. Come on. Pro tip for everybody. As I was traveling, there’s a place called Sweetwater, which is a
company that sells like musical instruments and you know cabling and headphones and anything that you can do for music right like studio equipment and it’s in Fort Wayne Indiana and they literally have a building that’s like a mall but it’s just one music place it’s all one big store and the pro tip is they have the best bathrooms that I’ve been in in a long time Honestly. I don’t care about i don’t know about the product, but man, their bathrooms are A1. The product has got to be great because this bathroom, it was like going into like, you know, a really super upscale restaurant or five-star hotel, this bathroom. So we stopped there and it’s literally like a mall. I mean, it’s the headquarters for Sweetwater, which I don’t know if you, I used to get their catalogs many years ago and now they’re all online, obviously, but, and they would have deals, you know, on keyboards and guitars and everything. And, and I’m like, Oh, and so we were traveling with my family and my daughter’s boyfriend’s like, Oh, if we’re going to be near Fort Wayne, can we stop at Sweetwater? And I’m like, yeah, sure. Why not? Right.
And so we’re driving through Fort Wayne. We got ourselves some lunch, although we could have had it at Sweetwater. They literally have like a restaurant inside the building. I mean, it’s like a mall. It’s crazy. No kidding. They had free video games and free pool. Yeah. And then, of course, so they want to look at everything. You know, I’m not that hip on it. So. my wife and I wander around the place and I’m like, you know, I could use, this is a good pit stop, you know? And she had, she had kind of torn off and went to the restroom before me. And she comes, I go, how’s the restroom. And she goes, is really, really nice. Oh. And I’m like, I’m like, let’s do a couple of laps to get this stuff working out of my belly.
Cause you know, I’m not, I don’t like to go dirty bath. You hate public bathrooms. I hate public bathrooms. And she’s like, I’m, she’s like, it was really nice. And I’m like, okay, this is the play that I’m going to, I’m going to, you know, I’m, I named this in honor of the queen, however you want to put it. I want to claim this land as my own. And, uh, I’m going to, you know, work up the gumption to use this restroom. So I go in there. Yeah. I got to describe this bathroom because it was so magnificent. I go in there and the stalls, it’s like, it’s almost totally enclosed. This is the most enclosed stall I’ve ever been. It’s not these metal partitions with the giant gaps that, you know, little children can crawl through. Right.
Literally, it looks like fake rock of some kind. It looks really nice, though. Not like janky or anything. And wooden door that goes… It’s way over… I’m over six foot tall, just a bit. It’s way taller than me. It’s probably like an eight foot door. Right? Wooden, heavy. You go in, you have this nice private bathroom. It’s all clean. It’s all self-cleaning and everything. And I’m telling you probably cause I, you know, and I can’t really let my bowels loose when I travel too much. Right. This was the, it was luxurious. Right. I relax. You’re like pooping in a closet or something. It was, it was, it was, yeah, it was, it was like, it was like pooping in the sound booth. And I recorded a song.
And I recorded a little ditty. And that was part of the experience was, you know, our bathrooms are so acoustically sound. You can record a song in them. Oh, it was great. And I come out of there and my wife was laughing at me because I’m like, that is the, I go, I told everybody in the group, I go, if you got to go, this is the place. I just burned it up in there. So if anyone wants to smell that. You got to go, right? So the funny thing was my daughter had made up this, I don’t know what you’d call it, but so if you had to go to the bathroom rather than being crude like I just was, she’d go, I’m going to do some construction work. So I come out of the bathroom, I go, I just did some major construction work here. And I suggest everyone does. We’re going to shut down the highway. I usually say I got to see a man about a dog.
Right. Well, whatever works. But I’m telling you, if you were in Fort Wayne, Indiana, find Sweetwater. It is the best bathroom in Fort Wayne. I can’t believe there would be any better publicly than at the Sweetwater Plaza or whatever they call themselves. Yeah. So another quick story here. So our final destination was Mackinac Island, but we stayed in Mackinac City, which is, oddly enough, not on the island. Okay. You take the boat over. Because staying on the island was like, you know, maybe you could afford it, but I’m not going to pay that kind of money. Astronomical, I’m sure. It’s crazy. There’s a place called the Grand Hotel, which is the nice place. $1,300 a night. through the Grand Hotel. That’s why I won’t go back because that hotel. Yeah. It’s, and literally it’s so expensive. So I’m like, I’m not doing that. So we stayed on the on the I guess it would be the southern Peninsula, the lower peninsula’s coast between you know, Lake Huron and Lake Michigan and stayed there, but they have a lighthouse there. So we did the lighthouse I do love a good lighthouse. Right.
Oh, you love lighthouses. A couple of things happened at the lighthouse. The lighthouse was filled with very nice people who were very, very interested in lighthouses. Obsessed with lighthouses. To the point that it was a little scary because they were dressed up in the garb of a lighthouse keeper. Oh, yeah. Like reenactors, right? Yeah, right. So we had this very nice young man who obviously had got a book when he was like, just old enough to read about lighthouses and he’s never let it go. Going on and on about lighthouses, you know, waxing poetically. It was Willem Dafoe. That’s right. Yeah. No, Robert Pattinson. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. And he was like, You know, the lighthouse this and the lighthouse that and the lighthouse did this and then the lighthouse. And he’s like, you know, and he goes, since this wasn’t, you know, this is a really old lighthouse because it’s, you know, signal because it’s very shallow water right there, right there off of the coastline of the lake. It’s only like four feet deep until you get pretty far out into the lake and it drops, gets lower, right? Run aground. And I mean, there’s a bunch of shipwrecks up there and so forth.
They put this lighthouse up there, but it’s like they didn’t have a fog horn. Okay. Because it does get foggy. They had a fog whistle. Oh. I don’t know if you know the difference. No, I didn’t know that. The fog horn is kind of that. Yeah. The fog whistle is literally like a steam whistle on a steam engine, and it goes. Right, right. So he proceeds to tell us all about the fog whistle and why they have a fog whistle instead of a fog horn and all this good stuff. And he’s like, now we’re going to blow the fog whistle. Everything. This is an ultimate event for this guy is he’s going to blow the fog whistle. And he proceeds to, out of his pocket, bring out this remote. Oh.
Right. He is the keeper of the button for the fog whistle. Bluetooth. Yeah. Well, I don’t know what it was, but it was some kind of remote. It looked like a gray box with a button on it and an antenna. And so he goes, you know, so he goes, now it’s going to be really loud, you know, so everybody wants to put their hands, their fingers in their ears. And he goes, but, you know, the beach area is Public. And then there’s a little fence where the lighthouse is and he goes, but we don’t, uh, you know, we don’t want to scare everybody. So I’m going to announce that we’re going to blow the fog whistle so that people aren’t caught off guard okay there’s people out there. There’s a few people. Oh yeah. Yeah. So then he proceeds to turn, turn towards the beach and he goes sound in the fog whistle. Everyone’s like, what
He turns a little bit. I mean, it was like Michael Jackson was sounding the fog whistle. And then he proceeds to then put earplugs in and hit the button and it makes this huge noise. It was the lamest attempt to warn anybody. Literally, no one… They’re probably like, why is that guy whispering over there with all those people looking at him? What? Yeah, it was… He didn’t yell. He was just speaking it. I thought you had a microphone or something. No. It’d be like he’s talking to you next to him. Hey, Mayo’s sounding a fog whistle. All right. Yeah, it was weird. And he throws a fog whistle. It was cool and everything. And then… the weird thing was my, as he was giving his speech and everything, they’re like, why do you think that they put the fog whistle against the wall? And then my wife pipes in and goes, cause it’ll set, it’ll carry further. He’s like, like she got it right. And she goes, well, I have a PhD in lighthouses and he believed her. Oh, he was going to ask to marry her or something. In love with you.
Yeah, he kind of looked at her like Bugs Bunny looked at the girl Bugs Bunny. But anyway, he was just kind of an odd character. But the rest of the trip… The rest of the trip, we’re going… Sounding the fog whistle. I heard some bullshit degrees, but that’s got to be one of them, man. Right now. Straight up, man. So yeah, we kept joking every time something was happening would be sounding the fog whistle because this poor guy. He’s busted a nut. Yeah, he busted a nut. The second story that would have been even better to this one was my brother-in-law took a picture of the light part of the lighthouse. And there was this ghost there. There was only a couple people working.
We’re like, what the heck? I think he got a picture of a ghost. Then we finally went and we asked the lady in the gift shop. She’s like, oh no, that’s Irving. He just stands up there. We blew our ghost story. He does have a PhD. He does have a PhD in lighthouses. My wife is ingratiating herself on all the reenactments. Yeah. All proud of herself. Sounded the fog whistle. Yeah. The fog whistle eventually devolved into people farting. Oh, of course. Of course. Yeah. So how did your vacation go? Well, it’s funny. We went to the two extremes. You went up there, close to the Canadian border, right? Yep. And I went down to New Orleans with my family. Really? New Orleans? How fantastic. And if I could tell my two quick stories, son. Okay. So, all right. So we stopped at a mall.
and, uh, very up, up, uh, up, you know, I want to say upscale. Yeah. It was a hard word, honey. Okay. It’s upscale. Yes. Thank you. Shut up. Yes. And, um, all right. So everyone’s tired. You’re sitting down. We’re hot. We just came in there to get the AC and I’m bored. I’m, you know, I have ADD. AC. That’s what you stopped for. Well, yeah, we were, it was pretty hot that It was pretty hot. We had just gotten off a steamboat thing and it was hot. Oh, okay. So this is actually, you are down in New Orleans. You’re not like just traveling at this point. No, we, yeah, we’re just seeing all this stuff there. There’s the sea, you know, this and that, this and that. We jump in there and my oldest son and I go for a brief walk and we walk past a kiosk. Mm-hmm.
And, uh, so there’s kind of this short, uh, Latina girl, woman, woman, and, uh, very easy on the eyes. And she goes, Hey, I’d like to give you a free sample of, uh, this face cream. And, uh, if you, if you see miles, his face, you know, yeah, I look 20 years older or something. It was like a tube tooth. No, it would be like if someone handed you a wrapped condom. I don’t know why she would think I’d be a good candidate for this. Next thing I know, she goes, come here, follow me. I’m like, what? come here, sit down. And of course you do. Cause you’re, you have no will whatsoever. Yes. Yes. It’s like Aubrey Plaza telling me to sit down, like sit down. Yeah. I’m like, okay. Next thing I know she’s putting like goo underneath my left eye. Right. And she’s working. I was already there. Yeah. Something about Mary. And, uh, she started working it in. She goes, Ooh, yeah.
How do you like that? Oh, right. Yeah. Okay. All right. Rub on your face randomly. Yes. Um, she goes, close your eyes, close your eyes. And she’s literally like four inches from my face doing this. I’m like, oh, okay. I don’t know where this is going, but I’m like, okay. And then she whips out this fan. Forehead doesn’t mean anything, but yeah. Yeah. She was out this little fan. That was a little geisha fan. She’s like waving my face. What was that? She goes, what’s your name? Miles. Where are you from? Somewhere. She started to engage my son and he uses a fake name that I use with him. She’s like, what’s your name? He goes, Juan Triccio. She goes, your name’s Juan Triccio. He goes, yes. What’s your name?
That made me laugh. It’s just a name I made up for him once. I just called him Montrequio. I don’t know why. I just thought it was funny. Montrequio. She’s trying to get the stuff. She goes, look in the mirror now. Look in the mirror. You see that? You know what? You could use this with your daily routine. I bet you have. I’m like, oh yeah, I have a daily routine. Is she looking at you? Yeah, you’ve seen my face. What a horrible train wreck I am. I look like I’m 80 years old at this point. He goes, you really need this. And this box right here is only $600. Wow. Repeating. So you know what this means? Only $600. You’re ugly rich. I’m like, this better come with a handy. Yeah, right.
I just better come with a handy and some weird stuff afterwards. Cause man, I’m telling you, there’s no way, there’s no way, you know? And so, yeah, I’m trying to get out of there. You look rich. That’s the crazy thing. I know. I, well, you know, sometimes people are like the nicest cars are like the ugliest people you’ve ever seen. But anyway, no, no, she’s just trying to, you know, she just, the hard sell comes out. Well, it’s only $600. Only pocket change for you. Big guy. I, I podcast, so I have no money. You know that now. And, uh, so my son, thank God. He’s like, Oh, I think I hear mom calling daddy. We have to leave. I’m like, okay. And, uh, she was pissed. Like she puts her hands on her hips and she’s pissed now. Cause she’s just wasted like $35 on that. Eyeball yours. It looks like hell. And now my, I, my, cause I have like really big bags under my eyes though.
And so one like is completely gone almost. The other one is still there. So I look like some kind of freak. Right. I was like, I’ve had a stroke or something. And I go, let’s go. And we walk away from her, like away from my family. And I go, this stuff is starting to burn my face. I’m like, what did she do? What did she put on my face? I’m like, I don’t even know. Now you ask that question after she got her tits out of your way and then you’re going to go. Yeah, I know. I mean, well, I wasn’t going to argue with it. I’ll be honest with you. So I’m like, I’m in, I go, I’m too embarrassed to walk past her again. I cannot face this woman again. You should say, wait, do the other eye. Well, no, she wanted me to, she wanted me to stay there. She was going to do the other one. I’m like, no, I got to leave. I got to go. It was like 40 year old virgin where he’s getting,
and waxed. And he’s like, that’s it. I’m done. I’m done. And so I made my son go here. Yeah. Like, I always had like this, you know, thing, like this look of surprise, like, Ooh, and, um, I actually made my son walk out the mall, the fire into the mall with me. So we’ve actually walked outside of the mall or seeing this woman to get in the heat. And we actually walked around this mall. So we didn’t have to face this woman again. I’m like, Oh my God, I can’t face her. I can’t face her, you know, April lead, lead gate, right. Wasn’t their name April lead gate. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I do in the day. Is it still burn? No, it went, I’m still ugly again. So yeah, it went away. When you pee. Yeah. No, thank God. No, it did not. So, uh, okay. So, uh, that’s story number one. And then,
Quick story number two, you know, you sign up for all these crazy things to do. There’s a ton of stuff to do there. I recommend going. And one of the things is a nighttime walking tour, like a, was it ghost vampires or something or whatever the hell it was. Right. Oh, you mean something like that or whatever it was. And, uh, they’re all, you know, different tours, you know, perverts and peekaboo artists and stuff and perverts. I don’t know. And so you meet at some bar. That’s what they were saying. Hey, winker, what are you doing? So it seems like a good idea. So my wife’s like, well, we’ve been Ubering. She goes, I’m going to drive down there. I’m like, okay, I don’t care. She goes, well, the bar we need to meet is only two blocks away from where we’re parking. I’m like, oh, okay. No, it seems like it’s like eight miles away to this bar. I’m like, oh, my. It’s like the Bataan Death March. I’m like, what?
It was Christ. You just walked around the whole mall for Christ’s sake. Well, I was tired. Yeah, I was tired, right? You know, everyone’s getting high. I mean, everyone in New Orleans smokes marijuana like it’s the last days. I mean, it’s like a lot of marijuana. A lot of pot going on. Which, you know, if you do partake, that’s fine. I don’t, you know, I’m not one of those people. But anyway, to give the story. So we get this woman. there’s probably about a dozen people in our group and it is a walking tour it’s very humid muggy, you know, and so you stop, she tells a little story for a few minutes and you go to another place there’s probably about half a dozen stops. Right. Yeah. And, uh, so we get to, uh, what would be the last stop. So two things happen there. So number one is there’s a gentleman, uh, and unfortunately,
as a sign of our times, there are a lot of folks that are outside sitting on the curb and yeah. Home. Well, I know I didn’t want to use that term. The unhoused. The unhoused. The unhoused. And I have unfortunate souls and I feel bad for them, you know, but anyway. Yeah. So there’s a gentleman across the street at this, uh, former church and he’s kind of listening in. He’s kind of reclined, you know, pants, but no shirt, just kind of watching it, you know, and, She goes into some kind of ghost and vampire story. The thing is, if you were there, you’d be the guy with the shirt and no pants. Yeah, I know, right? Yeah. That’s me. It’s a very long story. She goes into it. Anyway, this guy stands up and he starts inching in a little bit closer. She gets done. She goes, well, hi. Oh, hi. Well, you have something to say?
He goes, yeah, this is blasphemy, man. You’re telling these people all sorts of bullshit, man. This is bullshit. That shit ain’t true. You know that. She’s like, thank you. Thank you, sir. Thank you. Thank you. She dismisses him and then his buddy shows up with a couple of, you know, 40s and they, you know, are knocking him out. Yeah, he was having none of this. None of the vampires, none of it, none of it, none of it. She’s like, Ray, if you would only get in with the program, you could be one of these people as well, giving tours. Oh, I know, right? If there’s money involved, I’ll believe in anything, to quote Ernie Hudson. To finish up the story, she’s like, well, that’s our tour. Thank you. Now, we’re in a part of town. We don’t have any idea where we’re at. It’s night out. Yeah. She’s like, well, see ya.
I’m like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, where’s the bar? I mean, where did we start off at? She goes, well, go there and then turn left and go right and turn left and go right. Yeah. Oh, great. So she just dumped you in the middle of New Orleans. Yeah, at night. At night. You know, which, I mean, we didn’t have any problems. Reckless backer, another $20 a person, sir. Yeah. Across the street. Yeah, we still have the homeless person that you like to call him with his buddy now. They’re drinking. Oh, yeah. I’m the only person that calls people homeless. Yeah, so now we start the second Bataan death march. I’m like, oh, my God. I could not take it. I’m like, oh, my God. We finally got out of the car. I go, never again. I’m not going on one of these stupid walking tours again. Oh, yeah.
talking about and when we do two days later, we go right in the middle of the day to a cemetery tour. I’m like, oh God, why? That was the middle of the day though, right? Yeah, that was hot too but i was hot in true it was too hot for no i would you know honestly it was very overcast the whole time we were there, pretty much. My tootsies hurt my i could my shoes were the wrong size, I think. I don’t know what i was doing. No, I was having pain. It took me from the comfort of my Airbnb and left me in the middle of Norland. I was having back pains that was radiating into my groin area to the place where I felt like… That’s from the stuff that you got put on your eye. Yeah, I know. Yeah, all right. No, I felt like… I told my wife, I go, I feel like someone kicked me in the right nut. I’m like, oh my God, I’m having all this fucking pain. She goes…
If only, if only someone would kick you in the right nut. Yeah. She’s like, well, hold on. May the left one will, you know, atrophy and something. I just about paid that homeless guy, the bullshit homeless guy, $5 to do it. Bullshit. That’s some bullshit. That’s funny. They just dumped you in the middle of everything. And the cemetery guy did the same thing though. Really? They didn’t wrap you back around? No. He’s like, oh, well, I’ll see ya. I’m like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. He goes, well, cross the street and turn right. And there’s your car. I’m like, okay. Okay. All right. I mean, he didn’t dump us as bad as the, like the lady two nights before, but yeah, he, he just ends it like, okay, well done. See ya. I’m at my destination. I don’t know where you’re going. Yeah. I’m like, well, my car’s right there. So I’ll see you guys later. We got that. I remember we had to wait, get into the cemetery.
one of them. We went to a few i think i think they wrapped us actually they let they wrapped us back around to another place, and we were by the voodoo shop or whatever we went in there. Yeah, no, we weren’t by nothing. We’re like, what the hell? Where are we at you know 10 10 o’clock at night or whatever it was or nine o’clock it was like yeah they’re scary people yelling at you, saying bullshit I know. I was scared. I was scared. That was the scariest part of the tour. This guy yelling bullshit to this lady. Bullshit! Half of my face looks spectacular and the other half doesn’t. I’m vulnerable. One side you look like George Clooney and the other side you look like George Costanza. George Costanza, yeah. It’s a tale of two Georges right on your face.
oh my gosh. Oh my gosh, exactly. Well, that’s why you have google maps and you can click on the walk thing and then it tells you where to go. Well, had i known. Had I known how to work technology. That’s how we got back but yeah hey shut up. No one asked you. Shut up. I’ll just follow.