Want to submit questions? Email us at [email protected]

When a parent emailed asking how to discipline their kids after blowing up the family, we knew this conversation needed its own episode. Their question went deeper than discipline though. It was about authority. How do you lead your kids when you feel completely disqualified? And how do you stabilize their nervous system when yours is barely holding together?

In this episode of Lights On, Carl and Laura sit with the parent who knows the unique pain of trying to show up for their kids after wrecking the very thing that was supposed to make them feel safe. They walk through three pillars that have carried their own family through six years of repair: posture, honesty, and confidence. None of them are what most people assume they are.

You'll hear why your kids don't lose respect when you fail, they lose it when you pretend you didn't. Why removing discipline out of guilt actually steals the safety your children are craving most. Why secrecy "to protect them" usually does the opposite, and what the merry-go-round study reveals about the boundaries kids actually need. Carl gets honest about the dad voice that had to be retired and the one that took its place. Laura speaks directly to the betrayed spouse navigating their own version of this, and why the temptation to triangulate with your kids is one of the most costly choices a parent can make.

Stay for the lighthouse metaphor, the turbulence-on-a-plane illustration that will change the way you talk to your kids about hard things, and the honest truth about how we tagged in and tagged out on the days neither of them had anything left to give.

If you're parenting through repair, or watching someone you love try to, this one is for you.

Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/

Follow Laura at: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/

Chapters:

0:00 - Intro

0:41 - Welcome & Episode Overview

1:25 - Book Announcement & How to Reach the Show

1:59 - The email

2:46 - Why This Moment Can Go Right or Wrong

3:45 - The 3 Keys: Posture, Honesty & Confidence

3:56 - What "Posture" Actually Means

4:26 - Wrong Posture: "I'm Still the Parent, Do What I Say"

5:01 - Right Posture: Own It, Repair It, Show Up Every Day

5:49 - Kids Lose Respect When You Pretend Nothing Happened

6:20 - The Guilt Trap: Why Discipline Can't Disappear

7:03 - Removing Discipline Removes Safety

7:49 - What Discipline Actually Sounds Like Now

8:46 - Holding the Line Consistently Rebuilds Trust

9:32 - Being Firm AND Humble at the Same Time

10:51 - God Behind Bars

11:24 - Correct With Empathy, Not Just Authority

12:16 - Discipline From Responsibility, Not Guilt

13:32 - Honesty — Why Parents Get This Wrong

14:18 - Silence Seeds More Instability (Real Story: Charlie)

16:00 - The Pattern You're Setting Without Knowing It

17:16 - What Honesty Actually Looks Like (Without Oversharing)

18:25 - BetterHelp

19:25 - Pushback: "I Don't Want to Break My Kid's Heart"

20:28 - Sample Language to Use With Your Kids

21:21 - The Fence Study: Why Kids Need Boundaries

22:09 - Secrecy Destroys Trust

22:33 - Turbulence Analogy: Be the Pilot, Not the Silence

23:30 - The Cost of Waiting Too Long to Be Honest

25:06 - Confidence — The Stabilizer

26:47 - The Betrayed Spouse's Crucial Role

27:26 - Wonder Project

28:30 - Don't Put Kids in the Middle

29:20 - Kids Will Be Angry, Test You, and Lose Trust — That's Normal

29:49 - Your Job: Stay Consistent, Not Control Their Reaction

30:56 - The Spouse's Rôle: Supporting Rebuilding

31:43 - When Kids Push Back: Simple Language That Works

33:04 - Find a Safe Outlet — Don't Dump on Your Kids

33:40 - The Lighthouse Dad Analogy

34:46 - Policy Genius

35:56 - How Did You Stabilize the Kids When You Were Unstable?

37:44 - Progress Isn't Linear — Good Days, Bad Days, Keep Going

38:09 - More Clinical Help on Kids' Nervous Systems Is Coming

38:47 - Final Encouragement: Recap of Posture, Honesty & Confidence

40:20 - Outro & How to Reach the Show

See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Want to submit questions? Email us at [email protected]

When a husband emailed asking why his wife still brings up his affair every week, three years after it happened, even though she says she has forgiven him, we knew this conversation was going to land for a lot of people. His question was simple and brave: am I allowed to ask for more? And underneath it sits the question nobody wants to say out loud. What's the difference between a spouse who is genuinely still healing, and a spouse who is using the past as a weapon?

In this episode of Lights On, We got into the full timeline of recovery after betrayal: the early trauma phase, the processing phase, and the long rebuilding phase that doesn't end the way most couples expect. We explain why "time heals all wounds" is one of the worst lies ever sold, why some marriages get stuck in what they call a hostage crisis, and how to tell the difference between healing pain and recycled pain.

You'll hear the sponge metaphor that has helped more couples than we can count. The guardrails every rebuilding marriage needs. The hard truth for women who say they want a strong man back while still breaking him down daily. And the even harder truth for men who keep leading with "don't I have the right" instead of "I'm choosing to own this."

Whether you're three months in, three years in, or quietly sitting in pain longer than you want to admit, this episode is built to give you clarity. Because clarity is the thing that brings the power back into the room.

We closed with the three choices every couple has to make: heal, heal together, or heal separately. The only option that doesn't exist is no plan.

Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/

Follow Laura at: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/

Chapters:

0:00 - Intro

2:38 - Welcome

3:27 - The Email — "She Says She Forgave Me But Her Actions Say Otherwise"

4:18 - Are You Allowed to Ask for More?

5:45 - What You Lose the Right to Ask

6:34 - You Still Deserve Basic Dignity

7:56 - Where Is This Marriage Going?

8:37 - When She Stays But Won't Heal

9:07 - The Healing Timeline Explained

10:28 - Phase 1 — Chaos (0–3 Months)

11:04 - God Behind Bars

11:36 - Phase 2 — Processing (3–12 Months)

12:05 - Phase 3 — Rebuilding (1–2 Years+)

13:04 - Why "Time Heals All Wounds" Is a Lie

18:18 - BetterHelp

19:18 - What Real Healing Actually Looks Like

21:45 - The Sponge Analogy

23:08 - Using the Past as a Weapon vs. Processing It

24:38 - You Never Have to Forget

25:13 - The Ground Rules That Keep You Both Safe

27:25 - How Your Words Are Building or Destroying Your Husband

28:49 - Wonder Project

29:53 - Stop Being Vague About How You're Healing

31:12 - Getting Clear About Intimacy

32:50 - How Do You Know Someone Is Actually Healing?

33:04 - When Therapy Makes Things Worse

35:29 - She's Not Cold. She's Firm.

36:52 - Policy Genius

38:02 - Forgiveness and Rebuilding Are Not the Same Thing

38:31 - The Posture Every Husband Needs Right Now

39:55 - You Have to Learn to Meet Your Own Needs

41:23 - Stop Leading With "Don't I Have Rights?"

43:03 - Six Years Later — It Still Shows Up

44:58 - The Three Choices Every Couple Has to Make

46:56 - Are You Choosing to Heal Today?

48:04 - Outro

See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Want to submit questions? Email us at [email protected]

This episode explores the tension between "be the light of the world" and "live a quiet life" - and why both can coexist in the same calling. Carl sits down with Ruslan Alkhouri, the Armenian refugee turned seven-figure media entrepreneur, about faithfulness before platform, godly ambition versus worldly fame, and why implementation always beats information.

The conversation covers twenty years of faithful local service that nobody saw, how God breathed on Ruslan's YouTube platform during the pandemic, and the controversial topic of wealth in ministry. You'll hear why your assignment is seasonal but your purpose is constant, and why you can't change people no matter how hard you try.

If you're wrestling with how to build something meaningful without losing your soul, or wondering whether your current season of faithfulness will ever lead to breakthrough, this conversation was made for you.

Follow Carl at: instagram.com/carllentz

Follow Laura at: instagram.com/lauralentz

Follow Ruslan at: instagram.com/ruslankd

Supported by Wonder Project https://www.thewonderproject.com/

Supported by God Behind Bars https://www.godbehindbars.com/

Supported by Policy Genius https://www.policygenius.com/

Supported by Better Help https://www.betterhelp.com/

Chapters:

0:00 – Intro Highlights

0:56 – Meet the Guest: Ruslan

1:41 – From Armenian Refugee to Gangster Culture

4:35 – Finding Faith & Surrendering His Life

5:18 – 20 Years of Serving Quietly Before the Platform

7:30 – Shifting Away from Call-Out Culture

9:30 – Wonder Project (Sponsor)

10:35 – Getting Under Healthy Leadership at Rhythm Church

13:05 – Did He Feel Behind? The Engine of Godly Ambition

21:03 – God Behind Bars (Sponsor)

21:35 – Who Is This Book For?

29:39 – Policy Genius (Sponsor)

30:49 – Ambition Is Evil… Or Is It?

32:08 – The Comparison Trap & Social Media Lies

34:18 – "Live a Quiet Life" – The Most Misused Scripture

36:32 – The State of Culture: Distrust in Institutions

43:00 – Purpose Is Constant, Assignment Is Seasonal

45:31 – Small Habits Build Great Men

46:41 – BetterHelp (Sponsor)

47:41 – What You Do ≠ Who You Are

51:05 – Talent Stacking: Nothing Is Wasted

53:03 – Biblical Financial Literacy & The Missing Conversation

58:30 – Generosity Is a State of Mind

1:03:34 – Closing: The Book & Final Words

See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Want to submit questions? Email us at [email protected]

When a mom of three teenage boys emailed us asking how to lead her family through the aftermath of her husband's betrayal, we knew this conversation needed its own episode. Her oldest son has gone cold. The anger is hardening. The whole family is weary. And she's wondering if the work she and her husband are doing will ever be enough to reach the kids who didn't choose any of this.

In this episode of Lights On, Carl and Laura sit with the question every couple in recovery eventually has to face: how do you parent well while your kids are still reacting to something you created? Drawing from six years on this road with their own three children, they reframe the question entirely, walk through what the adolescent brain is actually capable of processing, and offer five principles that have carried their family through layered, lagging, multi-year healing.

You'll hear why the most dangerous timeline in family recovery is the one in your head. Why your son's anger is not his final form. Why "show me, don't tell me" is the only currency teenagers will spend. And why the goal isn't to win your kids back, it's to become so steady, so safe, and so full of life that the ice has no choice but to melt.

If you're a parent in the thick of repair work, or you're watching someone you love try to lead a family through the consequences of a hard year, this one was written for you. Carl gets honest about shame, consistency, and the moments his own kids have caught him still mirroring their pain. Laura speaks directly to the fear underneath your child's reactions: they didn't just lose trust in you, they lost trust in life itself.

Stay for the metaphors that will outlast the episode (the garden, the ice block, the leaking roof) and the reminder that you are not behind. You are right on time.

Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/

Follow Laura at: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/

Supported by Wonder Project

https://www.amazon.com/gp/video/offers/ref=atv_3p_amz_c_CDvZ9m_1_1?benefitId=wonderprojectus

CHAPTERS:

0:00 Intro

0:58 Welcome to Lights On

1:00 The Listener's Email

2:51 The Family's Story

4:24 Why This Episode Matters

5:11 Reframing the Question

7:07 How Kids Process Betrayal

8:00 Children Heal on Their Own Timeline

10:13 The 5 Principles

11:01 Resetting Expectations

13:08 Principle 1: Don't Mirror Your Kids

18:07 The Garden Mindset

20:03 When Shame Tries to Win

21:34 They Lost Trust in Life

24:17 Leading When They're Not Okay

25:00 One Day at a Time

29:03 Answer Pain with Patience

30:28 Your Calm Heals Them

31:58 Show the Repair

34:04 Holding the Line with Grace

35:20 Keep Encouraging Therapy

36:44 Principle 2: Anger Isn't Their Final Form

38:35 Principle 3: You Can't Rush Trust

40:06 Do It Because You're Healthy

40:58 Control Your Consistency, Not Them

41:19 Principle 4: Lead by Example

43:10 Kids Notice Everything

44:25 Let Them See the Repair

45:03 Repair in Front of Them

46:47 Principle 5: Heat, Not Pressure

48:00 Creating Safety Over Time

49:20 Don't Give Up

49:54 Outro & Sponsors

See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

If you or someone you love is trapped in addiction and you've run out of answers, call Hope Is Alive at 1-844-3-HOPE-NOW or visit hopeisalive.net

In this honest and hope-filled episode of Lights On, Carl Lentz sits down with Lance Lang — pastor's kid turned 50-pill-a-day addict turned founder of Hope Is Alive — for a conversation that will change the way you see addiction forever. Lance breaks down the moment he hit rock bottom, why addiction doesn't care about your last name, your bank account, or your upbringing, and how one full confession in his uncle's office on April 6th, 2011 became the first day of the rest of his life. Carl and Lance dismantle the stigma that rehab is for people who've lost everything, explain why explanations are not excuses but tools, and make the case that sobriety is not a surrender — it's a superpower. From the lie that you're too busy to get help, to the three things every family member of an addict needs to hear, to why the cost of not going is always greater than the cost of going, this episode is a lifeline for anyone who's been waiting for a sign. Whether you're the one struggling in silence, the spouse who's tried everything, or the parent sitting in a pew next to someone who's carrying the same secret you are — this is your moment.

Drawing from 23 years of marriage and their own journey through betrayal, rebuilding, and recovery, Carl and Laura created Lights On to bring light to the areas of life where we need it most.

If this episode gave you hope or you're ready to take the next step, don't wait. Call Hope Is Alive at 1-844-3-HOPE-NOW or visit hopeisalive.net

Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/

Follow Lance at: hopeisalive.net

Hope Is Alive: hopeisalive.net

Supported by God Behind Bars - https://godbehindbars.com

Supported by Plana - https://plana.org/

CHAPTERS:

0:00 - Welcome to Lights On

1:56 - Lance Lang: Pastor's Kid, Drug Addict, Founder

3:56 - Addiction Doesn't Discriminate

8:39 - Rock Bottom: 50 Pills a Day

9:55 - The First Full Confession

10:27 - 90 Days That Changed Everything

13:53 - God Behind Bars Partnership

16:00 - What People Get Wrong About Addiction

21:05 - Explanations Are Not Excuses

23:18 - Remove the Stigma From Rehab

25:29 - Hope Is Alive: Recovery Done Differently

31:01 - Finding Hope: Support Groups for Families

33:15 - You're Not Alone. It's Not Your Fault. There Is Hope.

40:21 - Plana Partnership

41:02 - Sobriety Is Your Superpower

43:49 - Recovery Is Not Just Sobriety — It's Identity

46:23 - Try the Drug Called Hope

47:54 - How to Call Hope Is Alive Right Now

49:25 - A Word to the Addict Listening

See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Want to submit questions? Email us at [email protected]

In this episode of Lights On, Carl and Laura answer three listener questions that keep circling the same uncomfortable truth: good intentions are not the same as real work. And the people you love can feel the difference.

The first question comes from a couple on the other side of a hard season. They are doing well, on the same page, and they want to know what easy, non-heavy things actually help a marriage reconnect. Carl and Laura break down the Treasure Walk, a simple but intentional 20 minute practice that changed the way they communicate. The rule is straightforward. The other person is the treasure chest. Your only job is to find out what is in there. They also get into why fun is not optional during rebuilding seasons, why pickleball almost ended their marriage, and what it actually means to make your relationship a stated priority versus a real one.

The second question comes from a man who fought hard to save his marriage after his wife had an affair with someone in their own spiritual community. They divorced. She remarried. He is now engaged to someone incredible. And he is still carrying the weight of what he lost. His fiancee is asking whether he is fully healed. His honest answer is that he does not know. Carl walks him through what he calls the position switch, the difference between grieving what you cannot change and investing in what is right in front of you. Grief is a signal, not a home. And what you stop feeding will eventually stop running your life.

The third question is the one the whole episode builds toward. A woman who was betrayed and abused. She left, moved countries, committed to two full years of consistent therapy work and has seen real transformation in herself. Her husband followed. His effort has been on and off, starting and stopping therapy depending on his mood or who he is around. Now there is pressure to reconcile and move back in together, and she is being asked to treat his inconsistent effort as equivalent to hers. Carl is direct: the betrayer does not get to drive the car of the new chapter. He then reads, for the first time since receiving it, the letter his therapist wrote him after five years of showing up every single Tuesday night for two and a half hours. What consistency actually looks like in the long run. What it costs. And what it builds that nothing else can.

This episode is for anyone who has confused presence with progress, or mistaken tears and intentions for evidence.

Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/

Follow Laura at: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/

Supported by Wonder Project

https://www.amazon.com/gp/video/offers/ref=atv_3p_amz_c_CDvZ9m_1_1?benefitId=wonderprojectus

See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

If you're a man trapped in a cycle of pornography and shame, email us at [email protected]

In this raw and practical episode of Lights On, Carl Lentz brings back Blaine Bartell for a conversation built for the man who has tried everything and still can't break free. Blaine, founder of House of Resurrection and a man who lost everything to 23 years of sexual addiction, breaks down the exact system that keeps men stuck: the addiction cycle of trigger, crave, cave, and payoff. But more importantly, he reveals the freedom cycle that saved his life and can save yours. Carl and Blaine dismantle the myth that willpower and accountability partners are enough, explain why advocacy and brotherhood heal what policing never could, and give you a step by step playbook you can start today. From the Swiss cheese method of stacking recovery layers to why you don't stop something by stopping something, this episode is a lifeline for any man ready to fight a broken system with a better one. Whether you struggle in silence, love someone who does, or pastor men who will never tell you the truth, this is your blueprint for building a life with nothing to hide.

Drawing from 23 years of marriage and their own journey through betrayal, rebuilding, and recovery, Carl and Laura created Lights On to bring light to the areas of life where we need it most.

Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/

Follow Blaine at: https://blainebartell.com/

House of Resurrection: https://houseofres.life

Supported by God Behind Bars - https://godbehindbars.com

Supported by Plana - https://plana.org/

See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Want to submit questions? Email us at [email protected]

In this raw episode of Lights On, Carl and Laura dive into the difficult questions surrounding marital betrayal, emotional boundaries, and the road to healing. Should you tell your children about your marital struggles? Why do women cheat, and is the husband ever to blame? What actually defines an emotional affair, and how do you escape the "validation trap" before it destroys everything?

Drawing from their own journey through public betrayal and 23 years of marriage, Carl and Laura explore why "image protection" is often the greatest enemy of true healing. They challenge the societal narratives that make some affairs seem "understandable" while others are "predatory," and they expose the uncomfortable truth about why men and women often seek intimacy outside their marriage.

Whether you're a betrayed spouse trying to make sense of the chaos, or a partner realizing you’ve been "lonely together" for far too long, this episode offers a roadmap back to connection. Laura opens up about the power of self-worth that isn't dependent on a spouse's validation, and Carl delivers a hard truth for anyone trying to blamesharing their way out of a broken vow: atonement must come before explanation.

From the "nose-to-nose" challenge that exposes the distance between you, to the daily affirmations that rewire your brain for confidence, to the "sliding door moments" where affairs actually begin—this episode is for any couple ready to stop protecting a fake image and start building a real legacy.

Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/

Follow Laura at: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/

Supported by God Behind Bars https://godbehindbars.com

Supported by Plana https://plana.org/

CHAPTERS:

00:00 Intro

01:15 Why Doesn't Laura Speak More?

03:08 Should We Tell Our Children About Marital Struggles?

09:56 God Behind Bars Partnership

10:29 Why Do Women Cheat?

14:15 The Brain’s Search for Control After Betrayal

20:49 The Validation Trap: Why Affairs Feel Like a Dream

23:08 Owning Your Own Validation

28:27 Affirmations: Rewiring Your Brain for Self-Worth

32:57 Atonement vs. Blamesharing

34:52 Society’s Narrative on Infidelity

37:44 Plana Partnership

38:18 Defining Emotional Affairs

41:11 The Danger of Being "Lonely Together"

46:54 How Well Do You Know Your Partner?

47:58 Closing and How to Contact Us

See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

If you're searching for peace and don't know where to start, email us at [email protected]

In this episode of Lights On, Carl Lentz sits down with longtime friend and author Tim Ross for a conversation that redefines everything you thought you knew about peace. Tim, host of The Basement podcast and author of the new book The Missing Peace, breaks down why peace is not the absence of problems but the quiet regulation of your nervous system that nothing external can shake. Carl and Tim unpack the difference between peacemaking and peacekeeping, why power without peace is chaos, and how to measure your growth by how fast you repair after getting rattled. Tim shares how childhood sexual abuse, growing up in gang territory in Englewood, California, and years of therapy led him to a revelation most people miss: you are not looking for peace, you are uncovering the peace that has been buried inside you all along. From the storm in Mark 4 to the stoning of Stephen, they hold up an ancient standard for what regulated faith actually looks like. Whether your peace is tied to your bank account, your marriage, your habits, or a substance you reach for when life gets loud, this episode will challenge you to stop chasing peace and start digging it out.

Drawing from 23 years of marriage and their own journey through betrayal, rebuilding, and recovery, Carl and Laura created Lights On to bring light to the areas of life where we need it most.

Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/

Follow Tim at: https://www.instagram.com/upsetthegram/

Pre-order The Missing Peace by Tim Ross: https://www.amazon.com/Missing-Peace-Together-Youre-Falling-ebook/dp/B0FYQRY6CR

The Basement Podcast - search "The Basement with Tim Ross" on Spotify

Supported by God Behind Bars - https://godbehindbars.com

Supported by Plana - https://plana.org/

See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Want to submit questions? Email us at [email protected]

Three listener questions. All of them about what betrayal actually does to a

person. Not just to the marriage. To the voice inside that kept saying

something is wrong.

A woman who spent years convincing herself she was the problem just found out

her husband has a gambling addiction and has been lying to her for years. Carl

and Laura break down the difference between intuition and anxiety, why

gaslighting trains you to distrust the nudge, and the three-step process for

rebuilding self-trust. Carl also delivers something every husband in recovery

needs to hear: full disclosure does not just help your wife. It restores her

confidence in herself.

A woman two years into dating a man she loves has discovered multiple lies

about his past. He is honest when confronted. Never before. Carl and Laura

explain why being honest when caught is not the same as being honest, and why

the question is never about his past. It is about his integrity under low

pressure. Because marriage does not reduce pressure. It multiplies it.

A woman three years past her husband's infidelity is still together, has done

the work, and still feels emotionally abandoned. Carl distinguishes remorse

from repair. One says I am sorry. The other says I can stay present in your

pain. Most men only know how to do one.

This episode will challenge anyone who believes that stopping the behavior

is the same thing as doing the work.

Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/

Follow Laura at: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/

See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.