Here’s a snippet of what i wouldve told him (if i didn’t wanna tell him the topic is too cliche and he should re-write the entire thing 😭): There’s a decent foundation here, but we need to amp up the depth and specificity to make your essay truly pop. Your story about overcoming challenges in bowling is inspiring, but it comes off a bit generic and lacks that personal zing that would make it memorable. We want more of YOU in there—focus more on your personal growth and the specific moments that really shaped who you are. Flow-wise, you’re on the right track with a generally chronological order. However, some transitions feel abrupt. For instance, the jump from JV to Varsity needs more backstory. Like, why did you decide to go for Varsity even though you didn’t train over the summer? Adding more context and reflection here will help the essay flow smoother and give us more insight into your thought process. Your hook needs work, ngl. Starting with 'Throughout middle school, I was always the last picked for any team' kinda drags and feels cliché. Switch it up with something vivid or surprising, maybe recall a specific moment of failure or a turning point in your bowling journey. This will grab the reader’s attention way more effectively.