Mr. Andrews and I had started dating exactly one month before the 9/11 anniversary and one of the first 10 photos he ever sent me was him in his station’s parking lot, surrounded by a group of kindergarteners (who seemed far too excited to play with gloves and have their blood pressure checked), who came with baked goods, drawings, and thank you cards to thank first responders for their service on 9/11 and every day. Despite my ovaries wanting to explode seeing this, it hit me like a semi-truck…

‘He would have to go if there was another mass casualty in NYC…’

I felt sick.

I felt angry.

I felt devastated.

I felt anxious.

I felt like I should call off the relationship because how the hell could I be a first responder girlfriend?!

And then I was hit with something else…

I felt proud.

That was now my man, and the person who was quickly becoming my best friend. A hero. My hero. I got to know my hero. How many people can say that?

And that man cares. About the city he grew up in. The city he services. The uniform he wears. The lives he saves.

And he cares about me. I know that now. The relationship ended, not the compassion. It’s just quiet now.

Except on my Instagram. Where I posted a picture of Mr. Andrews, and stating I was proud and grateful. And yes, that I missed him.

So, today, here is an open letter to anyone who has ever asked why I usd to champion him for “doing his job—it’s his job” and anyone who sits back and thinks, “bitch, he dumped you—you look crazy still talking about him”.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit livefromthebreakuproom.substack.com/subscribe

Anything can happen...

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit livefromthebreakuproom.substack.com/subscribe

The city never sleeps and neither do I... The love of a city returned to the sender.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit livefromthebreakuproom.substack.com/subscribe

You looked pretty wearing the love I gave you.

And I fell in love with that image of it—with the illusion that something so visually perfect must also be emotionally right.

… when I saw that picture of you from March 16th, something shifted in a way I didn’t expect. I recognized you, but it wasn’t immediate. Everything about you was recognizable. But ... You were no longer pretty for me to look at.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit livefromthebreakuproom.substack.com/subscribe

I once told Mr. Andrews that I wished I could have been there when he graduated the EMT Academy. He reassured me it’s “not like I was missing anything”, or somebody else had taken that place because he “didn’t haveanyone in the audience” for him. And I cried. Because I was so proud of him. Especially knowing his story. How could no one want to sit there and applaud him? I wished so badly I could go back in time and be there. I told him I would have been the proudest girlfriend, just like if I could have been there today, I would be the proudest girlfriend. But now, I am just the proudest stranger in any room he walks in. And that doesn’t sound right... Because I’m not a stranger, am I, Andrews? I was your best friend.

And then we went no contact. Until today. Because it’s Medal Day.

Mr. Andrews, I hold no expectation of an answer from you—don’t expect to see your name on my phone. I just… Wanted you to know.

“Thought of you for Medal Day today. I hope you’ve been okay.”

Stay safe.

You still own a rented space in my heart and head I expect you to make it home to at the end of each day—even if that doesn’t mean ever being in my bed again.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit livefromthebreakuproom.substack.com/subscribe

Your hands knew how to hold lives, but not us.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit livefromthebreakuproom.substack.com/subscribe

It's been three months since you broke up with me, and to say I've had no desire for intimacy would be putting it lightly.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit livefromthebreakuproom.substack.com/subscribe

Even if we’re not dating, even if we never have a family of our own, you’re still very intertwined in my life and everything I know. You may not be present in my life every day, but as long as I’m alive, I know you’re never fully going to go away. And I’m trying to learn to let that feel okay.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit livefromthebreakuproom.substack.com/subscribe

I don’t know what to say. The universes works in mysterious ways. More than half I’ll never understand…

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit asquill.substack.com/subscribe

Do you know what it’s like to start falling in love with yourself, your potential, and life because of the encouragement of the person you love—to be the healthiest version of yourself in years!

And then have the person you trusted and changed for tell you you’re mere existence is now too much for them?

Well, I do.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit livefromthebreakuproom.substack.com/subscribe