LOL Sober

If you want to subscribe to LOL Sober, hit the purple button below. I’m mostly publishing free pieces right now, but paid subscribers do have access to monthly premium pieces—such as THIS comedy special about my 10 favorite addiction/sobriety jokes!

I heard someone once call her character defects “Gremlins,” and she said that the Gremlins were already there before she started drinking, then they multiplied and got bigger and scarier once they got wet.

In case you’re not familiar, that was basically the plot of the famous movie franchise, “Gremlins.” If Gizmo got wet, he’d multiply into other Gremlins, which were all more mischievous than him.

I don’t know if the analogy completely works. But in my head, it makes total sense. I have heard people say before that they were cruising along in life and then drinking became a problem. I guess that’s possible. But it’s not my experience. Drinking and drugging were a reaction to some bad behaviors and attitudes—let’s call them Gremlins for the sake of this exercise—that existed before I ever picked up a vodka bottle. Alcohol and drugs often made those issues worse, and that included multiplying my Gremlins into either bigger or new Gremlins.

I’ll give you one small example. I think I always had the urge to exaggerate or fib from time to time, even as a little kid. I couldn’t just catch a fish or win a wrestling match; it had to be dramatic and incredible. I’d win a wrestling match 5-0 and then tell somebody it was 10-0. I needed you to be impressed by the largest possible amount.

But that small Gremlin morphed into flat-out lying in my drinking and drugging days. I had to lie to keep the whole charade going, and the lying eventually turned into scams. I’d return items to stores for money, lie about credit card charges, inappropriate use of my corporate credit card, just about anything.

What’s especially tricky once you get sober is that for me, at first, I was still the same guy, just without the drugs and alcohol. So all those behavior Gremlins were still a part of me, so I still hadn’t grown enough as a person to, say, feel bad about using my corporate credit card for personal use sometimes.

So that is a long and winding way to come back to the Gremlin example. Which is to say that part one of sobriety was to stop drinking, which meant halting the addition of new Gremlins in my life. But part two was eliminating the Gremlins that already existed. If you remember the movies, the Gremlins were obviously eventually eliminated. But in sobriety, it takes a little longer than a couple of movie run times, and sometimes the Gremlins don’t disappear, they just get a little smaller.

But I’d say overall I am pretty happy about my Gremlin supply right now!

This newsletter is a place of joy and laughter about the deadly serious business of sobriety. So, as I will often do, let me close with a joke:

As the speaker droned on past the thirty-minute mark and showed no sign of winding up, the room steadily began to empty.

With only one listener left, the bore finally snapped out of it and told the loner, "I'm very grateful that there's at least one soul open and willing enough to listen to my message."

"Listen?!" snapped the other. "I'm the next speaker."

(Credit: Grapevine, by W.A. of Tulsa, Oklahoma, February 2008)

Please spread the word to a sober friend! Find me on Substack… or Twitter… or Facebook… or Instagram… or YouTube. And introducing my web site, LOLsober.com.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit nelsonh.substack.com/subscribe

If you want to subscribe to LOL Sober, hit the purple button below. I’m mostly publishing free pieces right now, but paid subscribers do have access to monthly premium pieces—such as THIS comedy special about my 10 favorite addiction/sobriety jokes!

I went to a meeting the other day where a guy talked about remembering going to his first meeting, and it really made me laugh. He said he’d never met a sober person until then, that he was about 30 years old and as far as he knew, he didn’t have any friends or family members who were recovering alcoholics or drug addicts. The whole thing was new to him.

So his first experience at a meeting was his first experience around sober people of any kind, and he said it blew his mind. I laughed because I really identified. I don’t recall ever having a conversation with another actual sober human being about sobriety before I went to rehab.

I found this guy’s share hilarious because the way he spoke about this new, mysterious collection of people was as if he had stumbled onto an island where all the Bigfoots lived. He marveled at the way they all seemed happy and organized, and they all seemed to care about the genuine good of everybody involved, especially newcomers.

I had the same experience. I liked my first few meetings but my head was spinning. I always thought that sober meant sober—quiet, dull, boring, broken down. That’s not what I saw. I saw people who were more loving and more happy than I ever could have imagined. And if I’m being honest, I gravitated more toward the hellraiser part of the sober crowd, the people who were model citizens now but you could smell the trouble on them from years past. Those people lived with an exuberance and brashness that I really identified with. They were living today, and only today, and that was so cool to see.

That’s why one of the best suggestions I ever heard was to just hang out with sober people for a bit. Sure, going to 90 meetings in 90 days can be very important. But going out to breakfast with five sober dudes might just be the kick in the ass that a new guy needs, too. I’ve been out on quite a few very raucous breakfasts with sober guys, and every time it reminded me that I had found my people—the sober Sasquatch people!

This newsletter is a place of joy and laughter about the deadly serious business of sobriety. So, as I will often do, let me close with a joke:

A DRUNK CAME ACROSS a magazine article about the horrors of liver disease and other damage that drinking can do to one's body. He found what he read frightening, so he told his drinking buddies that he'd had enough.

"That's it!" he said. "After today, no more reading."

(Credit: Grapevine, by John K. of Sanford, NC, February 2008)

Please spread the word to a sober friend! Find me on Substack… or Twitter… or Facebook… or Instagram… or YouTube. And introducing my web site, LOLsober.com.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit nelsonh.substack.com/subscribe

If you want to subscribe to LOL Sober, hit the purple button below. I’m mostly publishing free pieces right now, but paid subscribers do have access to monthly premium pieces—such as THIS comedy special about my 10 favorite addiction/sobriety jokes!

I was at a business meeting recently for one of my favorite meetings, and I brought up a proposal to change the format. The meeting goes around the room in a circle, and it’s always been a small enough meeting that everybody gets a chance to share.

Well, the meeting has gotten bigger. We’ve gone from 10-15 people every week to 20-25 people, with no timer, so it has gotten close to the point where somebody might not get a chance to share and have no opportunity to raise their hand and say they really needed a turn to speak.

So my suggestion was to go around the room for the first 45 minutes, then go to a show of hands among people who haven’t gotten a chance. There were about 10 people at the business meeting, and the other nine all voted against the idea. Their point was that nobody had not gotten a chance to share, so why fix what isn’t broke? I laughed about it and said, “OK, well, I guess my proposal just ate a huge s**t sandwich,” and we all chuckled at an epic business meeting defeat.

I wouldn’t have been able to laugh about that in the past, and if I had, it wouldn’t have been authentic. I guess I’ve grown up a bit?

I’ve shared about this before, but I have always taken meetings very seriously. They saved my life, and I think I’m super smart, so I end up coming to believe I know how meetings should go. I remember having 30 days sober and raising my hand about making changes to my home group. I never liked that they had a timer and also a rule about no swearing. So I brought it up at the business meeting, and had absolutely zero support.

I remember leaving that day with my tail between my legs. I definitely took it too personal. I hadn’t really learned at that point that group conscience is what is best for the group, and it is about the most democratic process you could ever get involved with.

In the 15 years since then, I have had a slew of ideas about how a meeting should run, and almost every one ended badly. I even had a suggestion of adding a strong statement outlining why cross talk was bad, and people voted it in. Then I felt bad about it, because I saw some people who came to the meeting and got wide eyes of concern when they listened to the chairperson read that strong statement. It sounded a little off-putting, to be honest.

I was really glad that when I lost that recent vote at a business meeting that I responded with a shoulder shrug. I think it showed my growth about being just another bozo on the bus when it comes to how meetings operate. Then again, I just said, “I lost a recent vote,” which makes it still sound like I was viewing it as me winning or losing. Oh well, baby steps toward improvement, right?

This newsletter is a place of joy and laughter about the deadly serious business of sobriety. So, as I will often do, let me close with a joke:

A MAN SAT IN FRONT of his home, contemplating his future. He had just gotten a divorce, lost his children, been fired from his job, and now faced eviction. He noticed a case of beer bottles in his trash and walked up to it.

He took out an empty bottle and smashed it, swearing, "You are why I don't have a wife!" He threw a second bottle: "You are why I don't have my children!" And a third: "You are why I lost my job!"

But then he discovered a fourth bottle, still sealed and full of beer. He took it, tucked it into his pocket, and said, "Stand aside, my friend--I know you were not involved."

(Credit: Grapevine, February 2008)

Please spread the word to a sober friend! Find me on Substack… or Twitter… or Facebook… or Instagram… or YouTube. And introducing my web site, LOLsober.com.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit nelsonh.substack.com/subscribe

If you want to subscribe to LOL Sober, hit the purple button below. I’m mostly publishing free pieces right now, but paid subscribers do have access to monthly premium pieces—such as THIS comedy special about my 10 favorite addiction/sobriety jokes!

I belong to Anytime Fitness, and my gym does a pretty cool thing every week. The manager has a group of adults from a facility for men living with cognitive disabilities come in and clean up around the gym.

I always see the guys cleaning, and they bust their asses. So does their chaperone. They really take the job seriously and it’s such a cool thing to see.

I had the idea recently to let them know that they are appreciated. I bought a thank you card and a $25 Starbucks gift card and gave it to them earlier this week. You should have seen their faces. They just absolutely lit up—both guys from the facility, as well as the guy who brings them (I’ll call him Dave). I told them all that the people at the gym really appreciate all three of them.

Dave came over to me twice and said how much my gift had meant to him and the guys. I gotta admit, I felt great. I felt like I had done a nice thing that got several compliments and was much appreciated, and I loved it.

I also will admit that I really enjoy that kind of thing, and that I have to keep an eye on that. It’s definitely a high, though it might be the most acceptable way to try to boost your mood. I had to step back and think about my motive. Was it to do a nice thing for someone? Or was it to do a nice thing and get a nice pat on the back while doing it?

Hmm, I think the answer is the second one. I think I really, genuinely wanted that crew to know that they are doing a great job. But I also think I would have been really bummed out if Dave had said, “Thanks,” and just walked away.

That’s the part the situation that is a little bothersome. My sober program has taught me that expectations are very tricky, because they are absolutely a part of the human experience but also something to keep an eye on. Who among us doesn’t give someone a birthday gift and then not get agitated if that person doesn’t bother getting you one? I guess in an ideal world, I only ever do things that are the right thing to do regardless of any benefit to myself. But… geez, come on.

I’m not going to beat myself up about catching myself looking forward to a positive response to an act of generosity. I would take that on my tombstone, for sure. I just need to make sure that a) I am spiritually fit enough to be ok with getting a response that isn’t up to my standards and b) that I am trying to give out $25 gift cards all day to make myself feel worthwhile—that doesn’t really seem sustainable, does it?

Looking back, I think I’m fine with the way things went. I think if the reaction to my gift had been more subdued, I would have moved on with my day and still felt good about it. I’ve done things like that in the past and not dwelled on the feedback being a giant parade. But… who doesn’t love a big parade in their honor?

This newsletter is a place of joy and laughter about the deadly serious business of sobriety. So, as I will often do, let me close with a joke:

"I was so sick when I was new, at one point I asked another guy in my home group if I could copy his Fourth Step."

(Credit: Grapevine, by Michael K. of Haverhill, Massachusetts)

Please spread the word to a sober friend! Find me on Substack… or Twitter… or Facebook… or Instagram… or YouTube. And introducing my web site, LOLsober.com.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit nelsonh.substack.com/subscribe

If you want to subscribe to LOL Sober, hit the purple button below. I’m mostly publishing free pieces right now, but paid subscribers do have access to monthly premium pieces—such as THIS comedy special about my 10 favorite addiction/sobriety jokes!

I’ve been going to lots of meetings recently where a clipboard is passed around and people can sign up to speak at other meetings or at rehabs. I’ve consistently signed up for those opportunities over the years but recently I have just been handing the clipboard to the person beside me.

But I started to feel guilty, because speaking is a part of doing service and staying sober. I don’t think I could stay sober without doing service work, which I define as chairing meetings, being a treasurer or GSR for a meeting, being a greeter at meetings, sponsoring people and yes, telling your story at meetings.

So why didn’t I ever sign up for the past year or two? I told myself it was humility, that other people should get a chance to speak, that I’ve done it before and don’t want to try to be the center of attention (trying to be the center of attention has always been a bit of an issue for me).

Was that true? Sort of, yes. But sort of, no. I think maybe I just have gotten comfortable retreating to the back and disguising it as humility. But retreating from service work isn’t humility; it’s laziness. And I think my overall percentages were probably about 50 percent laziness and 50 percent humility.

But a month ago, I decided to sign up to speak at a meeting on Saturday, May 18. And then a friend asked me to speak on Thursday, May 16, so it was basically a speaking tour for me last week. I of course had that feeling early in the week where I considered trying to come up with an excuse to get out of both commitments. But I went through with both of them, and it was awesome.

The thing about speaking is that even if you aren’t a great speaker, or have a strange journey, or don’t have a higher power, there is probably someone in the crowd that will benefit from hearing your message. I truly believe that. I have listened to people who say they hate recovery, that they’re only doing it so they don’t get fired from work, that they think sober people are a pain in the ass… and I’ve seen people nod along because they’re on a similar journey and it helps them. Did it help me? No, it did not. But sobriety is about building a community for yourself, and I don’t have to want to be a part of every community.

The other thing that I was reminded of is that speaking is also good for me. It makes me be accountable for my program. I can’t really get up there and say I haven’t been at a meeting for a year but here I am with my fantastic recovery story!

So I spoke, and I found it very rewarding. I’m proud of my recovery journey, and people generally respond to my overall main message, which is that sobriety is so much more fun and exciting than I ever thought it would be. I probably used the phrase, “We are not a glum lot” 50 times this week.

I’m not going to b******t, though. Is speaking at a big meeting and having everybody clap and laugh a bit of an ego boost? For sure. But who doesn’t like a little ego boost?

This newsletter is a place of joy and laughter about the deadly serious business of sobriety. So, as I will often do, let me close with a joke:

"There are just two things an alcoholic doesn't like—the way things are, and change."

(Credit: Grapevine, March 2008, by Anonymous)

Please spread the word to a sober friend! Find me on Substack… or Twitter… or Facebook… or Instagram… or YouTube. And introducing my web site, LOLsober.com.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit nelsonh.substack.com/subscribe

If you want to subscribe to LOL Sober, hit the purple button below. I’m mostly publishing free pieces right now, but paid subscribers do have access to monthly premium pieces—such as THIS comedy special about my 10 favorite addiction/sobriety jokes!

I think most who know me would say that I am a pretty easygoing person who tends to get along with most people. And when push comes to shove, I usually don’t do any shoving. I’ve gotten much better over the years at a staple of recovery: exercising restraint of pen and tongue.

However, I also am guilty of an ugly side of navigating conflict as an agreeable person—copping a resentment later. Or, as is often the case, copping many resentments.

I’ll give you a good fictional example. If I want to get Chinese food some night, and two of my kids want Mexican instead, and my wife and other daughter want pizza, I usually end up saying, “OK, how about that pizza place that also makes tacos and quesadillas?” (That’s a real thing in the town I live in, by the way.) I put aside my wants in favor of the entire crew.

Then I eat delicious pizza and move on… but later that night, I will be mulling the day’s events and a seed will sprout up for a tiny little resentment.

“Hey, why didn’t anybody factor in what I wanted tonight?”

Then the seed starts to grow.

“Nobody ever really incorporates what I want for dinner. Actually, nobody ever incorporates anything I want into anything. My kids are bad about that, but my wife didn’t say anything, either.”

And it goes on and on and on until it’s 10 pm and I am silently irate about dinner from earlier in the day. Then I go to bed and wake up with that resentment still sitting in there. I often will throw in a little hot sauce on top of that resentment by starting to think about anger toward myself, that I need to stand up for myself more, that I need to insist upon what I want and need more in the future, that I need to stop being such a weak person.

That all adds up to a disaster. All of a sudden, I am this agreeable, salt of the earth person who’s actually boiling underneath the surface, and it’s only a matter of time until I boil over. You see it often out there in the world: the quiet, smiling person who blows a gasket and does something stupid.

Luckily I don’t have too many of those moments any more because sobriety taught me how insidious silent anger can be, and also what to do about it.

What is there to do about it? Working a good Fourth and Fifth Step. Write out the resentment, what it affects inside you and what your role in it is.

It helps me to put it on paper, and it helps me even more to walk through it with another sober person. There’s something concrete about writing it out, and then there is something bonding when you share it with someone else. I also like the accountability of recognizing your role in a resentment and figuring out a solution with another sober person—there’s a part of me that finds that solution to be my responsibility after that, and it is shared with someone I respect. I tend to respond well when I make a commitment with someone else—I feel like I need to hold up my end of the bargain.

With a situation like the restaurant example, my role often is to be agreeable but to also make sure I am voicing my opinion in a healthy, productive way. I often will say something like, “OK, let’s get the Mexican food and a pizza. But I’d really appreciate that next time we get the Chinese food since I am compromising on tonight’s meal. Is that a deal?”

People usually nod, and it works out the next time. And if it doesn’t, I know that that’s okay, too.

Just kidding. I have to do the whole thing all over again because I am super pissed about getting Chinese food…

This newsletter is a place of joy and laughter about the deadly serious business of sobriety. So, as I will often do, let me close with a joke:

A retired Army officer answered his front door to some neighbor ladies, who'd begun a campaign to end drinking in their small town.

"When did you have your last drink?" they asked.

"1945," he said.

"That's great!" the ladies said. "So, you are a teetotaler now?"

"I wouldn't call it that, exactly," he said, looking at his military watch.

"It's only 2015 now."

(Credit: Grapevine, by Anonymous, March 2008)

Please spread the word to a sober friend! Find me on Substack… or Twitter… or Facebook… or Instagram… or YouTube. And introducing my web site, LOLsober.com.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit nelsonh.substack.com/subscribe

If you want to subscribe to LOL Sober, hit the purple button below. I’m mostly publishing free pieces right now, but paid subscribers do have access to monthly premium pieces—such as THIS comedy special about my 10 favorite addiction/sobriety jokes!

I went to a meeting last night where I pulled in and I saw the entire group gathered on the front steps and in the parking lot of the church. “Uh-oh,” I thought. “Somebody must have forgotten the key to the church.”

I immediately tried to figure out if anybody had seen me, so that I could possibly sneak out of there and tell myself, “Hey, I tried to get to a meeting but the church was locked.” Plus, you expect me to chase sobriety by standing or sitting on the ground? Are you kidding?

I decided to pull in and walk over, though. I was glad I did. We had the meeting outside (the guy with the key didn’t show up). It’s a meeting that reads from the book As Bills Sees It but we only had one copy. So the chairperson didn’t have a script to read from and we didn’t have books. But she picked out three readings and read them, then people took turns sharing.

As I stood there, I couldn’t help but marvel at the spirit of recovery. I was thrown off when I first got there that we weren’t in the basement like we always were. But like sober people always do, we tried to chase recovery the same way we chased booze. Trust me, if I had shown up at the bar back in the day and they had all the bottles sitting out front because the bar was locked, I wouldn’t have tried to slink my way out of the parking lot. I’d have laid on the ground to drink. I have to be willing to do that with sobriety, too.

So that’s what we did. We had a great meeting outside, with bugs flying around, some people standing and some people sitting, no books, cars coming into and out of the parking lot. It was a beautiful chaotic hour of spirituality in a parking lot setting.

It was a good reminder that sobriety can happen anywhere. During the pandemic, I remember some panic that first week when all of my in-person meetings closed up. What was I doing to do?

Then Zoom meetings came along. As far as I can remember, I had never even heard of Zoom before, and then all of a sudden, it was my lifeline to stay sober. That parking lot experience reminded me that whether I move, or the world shuts down, or I am bed-ridden, or church keys disappear, recovery will be happening somewhere. I just need to go find it.

This newsletter is a place of joy and laughter about the deadly serious business of sobriety. So, as I will often do, let me close with a joke:

A middle-aged fellow lamented that, although he'd been in AA for several months, he was still living in a sober group house and riding a girl's bike to meetings. An old-timer replied, "I truly believe that if you don't drink, work the Steps, and carry the message, in no time at all you'll be riding a boy's bike."

(Credit: Grapevine, March 2008, by Kay K. of Redondo Beach, California)

Please spread the word to a sober friend! Find me on Substack… or Twitter… or Facebook… or Instagram… or YouTube. And introducing my web site, LOLsober.com.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit nelsonh.substack.com/subscribe

If you want to subscribe to LOL Sober, hit the purple button below. I’m mostly publishing free pieces right now, but paid subscribers do have access to monthly premium pieces—such as THIS comedy special about my 10 favorite addiction/sobriety jokes!

Most people accept the notion that resentment is the No. 1 offender for alcoholics, that it destroys more people trying to get sober than anything else. Recovery literature often references that quote, and I wholeheartedly agree with it.

I didn’t use to. I thought maybe the answer was divorce, or a sudden death, or a specific terrible event that could rock your sobriety. But I do think that resentment is actually responsible for more relapses and struggles to get sober than anything else. And of all the difficult events I have experienced, the resentment that can spring up associated with that event was the most dangerous part of it.

But I was at a meeting the other day when the chairperson introduced a topic, and somebody said, “I believe that resentment is the No. 1 offender, and I think today’s topic is the No. 2 offender.”

Any guesses what he was talking about? I’ll give you 10 seconds…

OK, his answer was self-pity. He made the case that self-pity leads to resentment, which can lead to drinking. As he said it, I wasn’t sure I agreed. I started going through my head about what my No. 2 biggest tripwire I could hit in sobriety would be… and after a few minutes, I felt like self-pity was the right answer.

Think about it for a second. Think about a professional example. You think you should be promoted. You’ve felt that way for awhile but managed to stay pretty calm about it. Then Biff Dipshit from the corner cubicle gets the promotion instead of you. What happens?

For me, I think I would be pissed at first. Like, really fired up. But I think I would work through that after a few hours, and then I think the self-pity would show up. The thing that is so lethal about self-pity is how sneaky it is. When I’m mad, I know I am mad, and I know that I should shut my mouth and try to cool down. But when I am in the throes of self-pity, it is not pleasant but I am also comfortable in that brand of unpleasantness. It doesn’t feel like I am in any kind of danger when I am whining that Biff got the promotion and that my boss doesn’t understand how awesome I am and “this always happens to me” and “we need the extra money” and “this whole company always screws me.”

For me, I think that the reason it sucks to be in the self-pity zone is because it is a delusional way to explain away a difficult situation in the most self-centered manner possible. Think about complaining that the world always screws you out of stuff… how self-centered is that? Self-pity feels like you’re beating yourself up but you’re really making yourself the center of the universe and way more important than you actually are. In some ways, the most egotistical thing you can do is to climb in the pity pot and come up with all the ways people don’t understand how awesome you are.

So my answer for the No. 2 offender is self-pity. I also considered jealousy, money and pain as three things that belong in consideration. I think any kind of long-term physical or emotional pain can wear people down and make them reach for something to numb themselves out. With money and jealousy, I have heard people say that finance and romance can be incredibly stressful things to stay sober through. I think that’s true, and those three things would probably be 3-5 on my top five offender list, in some order.

Let me know what your top five would be!

This newsletter is a place of joy and laughter about the deadly serious business of sobriety. So, as I will often do, let me close with a joke:

A guy enters the local dive bar and says to his buddy, "Hey, Joe, I heard you were mugged leaving here the other night."

"Yeah, this guy pulled a gun on me and said, 'Your money or your life,'" Joe says.

"What did you do?"

"I told him I was just a drunk, and that I didn't have any money—or much of a life. He let me go!"

(Credit: Grapevine, March 2008, by Chris W. of Pembroke, Virginia)

Please spread the word to a sober friend! Find me on Substack… or Twitter… or Facebook… or Instagram… or YouTube. And introducing my web site, LOLsober.com.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit nelsonh.substack.com/subscribe

If you want to subscribe to LOL Sober, hit the purple button below. I’m mostly publishing free pieces right now, but paid subscribers do have access to monthly premium pieces—such as THIS comedy special about my 10 favorite addiction/sobriety jokes!

I heard someone speak the other day about the best way to approach a new person at a meeting. He was saying how many times he has seen people come on a little too strong, and I have seen similar situations. His suggestion was to always remember that if someone isn’t ready to get sober, you can’t talk them into it. So don’t try.

But I haven’t seen much of what he was talking about. Honestly, in my experience, I have seen 99 percent positive, appropriate handshakes and introductions after meetings. I’m talking about men talking to newcomer men, and women talking to newcomer women. I am not including any 13th step stuff that I have observed because that is an entirely different category—in my opinion, there’s no gray area with that. Don’t do it. If you see it happening, step in. I’ve seen people be overly friendly toward new members of the opposite sex, and it just shouldn’t happen. I have no business getting the contact info of a woman who has a month sober.

Ok, let me get off my high horse for a minute and get back on topic. Which is: What is the most spiritual way to approach a newcomer? Should I approach a newcomer at all? Or is it better to write your phone number down when they pass around meeting lists and leave it at that?

I have quite a bit of experience answering that question multiple ways. I used to be pretty aggressive in introducing myself to newcomers. I’d go up and say hello, ask them a little about themselves and exchange numbers. I often would get their number and call them before they ever called me.

I also had a period where I was doing that, plus also keeping tabs on seeing them at meetings or hearing from them. I’d occasionally say to a guy, “How have you been? I haven’t heard from you. Did your phone break?” It was always mild ribbing about working a good program, and nobody ever seemed bothered by it. I had one new guy who I used to constantly bust his chops about showing up at 7:10 for 7 pm meetings, and he’d always smile. He eventually said he was thankful for that because he started getting to meetings on time more often.

I don’t do that any more. It’s not because I think it is bad. I just decided over the years to introduce myself once, give them my number if they want it, and if I never hear from them, I’m fine with that. I hope they are sober however they are able to get sober, and it doesn’t have to involve me. I also decided that nobody elected me Sheriff of Sobertown, so I don’t need to goof on anybody for not getting to meetings that I am at. I mind my own business a little more.

Is that the right approach? I don’t know. That’s the real answer—I don’t know. Only our higher powers know what the best way for any single person to get sober and stay sober. I think it depends on the person and the situation—there’s definitely a vibe you need to pay attention to. If someone is hiding in the back and doesn’t share, maybe don’t circle them up and start pestering for contact info. Let them ease into it. If someone approaches me and wants my number, I feel like that is an opportunity to be a little more outspoken. I just had it happen recently and I told the guy, “I want to hear from you in the next week,” and I did. I felt like the guy really wanted to have some accountability thrown his way.

I guess my short answer to a complex question is… it’s different in every situation. I do think you’re better off being too gentle than too aggressive; I’d never want to chase somebody off. So I think I want to do what someone told me a long time ago, which is: Any time you reach your hand out, I will grab it. But if you don’t reach out your hand, I won’t come looking for it.

This newsletter is a place of joy and laughter about the deadly serious business of sobriety. So, as I will often do, let me close with a joke:

After I shared euphorically at a meeting about how my life had been transformed since I joined AA, an old-timer leaned over and whispered, "When your cup runneth over, looketh out!"

(Credit: Grapevine, April 2008, by Anonymous)

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I was at a meeting the other day when a guy shared about how intoxicating self-pity can be. He really had me nodding along, because he was making a great point about when you say things like, “Oh, just my luck…” or “That figures, I’m jinxed” you are actually being very self-centered.

He was talking about how those moments are actually incredibly selfish. If I think that I am cursed, that the universe is plotting against me, it’s no different than thinking everything should go my way. I have placed myself in the center of everything and am treating basic life on life’s terms stuff like it revolves around me.

Then he got into the idea that other people don’t really want to be around someone who is mopey and thinks they are important enough to moan and groan about every little thing that goes wrong in their life. He ended by saying, “Am I a fountain or a drain?”

I thought about that all weekend. When I am around other people, am I a source of optimism and positivity? Or do I drag people down into the gutter? I think I do both on a regular basis, and I certainly used to be nothing but a self-centered drain guy. When I was still drinking, I thought most of my problems were terrible luck, and I let you know that the world was plotting against me. Sometimes my bad luck wasn’t even true—I used to constantly use the concept of New York traffic as the reason why I was late or didn’t show up for something I committed to. It was usually just me hustling around, trying to get pills at doctors’ offices and pharmacies, and I blamed the Lincoln Tunnel for why I got to work at 12:30 pm rather than 9:30 am. I came up with insane stories about overturned trucks and cars on fire over and over again, and I remember it got to the point that my wife started saying, “Geez, I’m never driving through the Lincoln Tunnel. It’s chaos every day!” It was pretty much all b******t!

I also remember constantly joking with people that “Life sucks, and then you die.” It usually got a laugh, but geez, who the hell wants to hear that? In what context does that bring any good into the world?

When I got sober and learned the concept of humility, and that humility means that I don’t think I am the president of the world or the most cursed person in the world, I began to understand that the pity party crap is no different than the “I should run everything” stuff that goes through my head. I need to remember that I am somewhere in the middle, a worker among workers, a dad among dads, a driver among drivers. I used to worry that I was accepting mediocrity by admitting that. I’ve actually found that thought process to be incredibly freeing, though.

So just for today, I am going to try to be a fountain in the lives of others. And I will try to avoid being the “Life sucks and then you die” guy.

This newsletter is a place of joy and laughter about the deadly serious business of sobriety. So, as I will often do, let me close with a joke:

"Generally speaking, I'm not learning much when my lips are moving."

(Credit: Grapevine, April 2008, by Tiffany B. of Springfield, Massachusetts)

Please spread the word to a sober friend! Find me on Substack… or Twitter… or Facebook… or Instagram… or YouTube. And introducing my web site, LOLsober.com.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit nelsonh.substack.com/subscribe