Loving BDSM

In episode 63, Kayla Lords and John Brownstone discuss the things that happen, what you can expect, and some of the fun you can have at BDSM dungeons and play parties.

In this episode:

* Save five percent on John Brownstone’s new favorite lube: The Butters with code “kayla”

* How to find a dungeon or play party

* How to get into one

* All dungeons and parties are a little different but they have a few things in common.

* Dungeons and parties have their own rules.

* Dungeon monitors enforce the rules.

* There are a few common protocols to be aware of when you go.

* You’ll see people from every walk of life and every state of dress.

* You don’t have to play in public.

* You can always just watch or go to socialize.

Links from the Show:

The Butters (use code kayla and save!)

Read my review for The Butters

What to Expect at the BDSM Dungeon When You’re New

Playing in Public (Scene Magazine)

What You Can Expect and Who You’ll Meet at a Party (Submissive Guide)

7 Ways You Can Play at the Dungeon (Fetish)

An Insider’s Look at the Mysterious World of BDSM Dungeons (Kinkly)

 

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Kayla Lords and John Brownstone discuss boundaries and limits in episode 62 of the Loving BDSM podcast.

In this episode:

Save 10 percent on the HUM vibe with coupon code: kaylalords

What are limits and boundaries?

Is there a difference?

Hard limit vs. soft limit.

Hard limits can be anything. Twitter friend mentioned tickling as a limit for her. Whatever it is, must be respected.

Soft limits often come from a place of lack of knowledge

Use checklist to learn your limits and discover what you both like (or don’t like)

Talk about what you think your limits are in the beginning of a relationship but update as you go along.

As you get used to your partner or learn more about what you like and don’t like, your limits change.

When trying something new, start slowly. Exercise patience.

How you handle a new experience will color your feelings about that boundary or limit forever. Take it slow. Communicate, communicate, communicate.

Every aspect of BDSM has a boundary or a limit for you, even if you haven’t discovered it yet.

Links from the Show:

MeetHum.com Use coupon code “kaylalords” and save 10 percent!

I Wanted Him to Watch (review for the Hum)

Using Checklist to Figure Out Your Kinky Limits

Subscribe to the Loving BDSM newsletter for a free checklist

Checklist on Latches

Become a patron on Patreon

Support the show

Postcard Project

Subscribe on YouTube

Follow us on Instagram

Follow us Twitter

Message or friend us on Fetlife

Contact us!

Listen to the show:

iTunes

Google Play

Spotify

Your favorite podcast app!

Kayla Lords and John Brownstone discuss boundaries and limits in episode 62 of the Loving BDSM podcast.

In this episode:

Save 10 percent on the HUM vibe with coupon code: kaylalords

What are limits and boundaries?

Is there a difference?

Hard limit vs. soft limit.

Hard limits can be anything. Twitter friend mentioned tickling as a limit for her. Whatever it is, must be respected.

Soft limits often come from a place of lack of knowledge

Use checklist to learn your limits and discover what you both like (or don’t like)

Talk about what you think your limits are in the beginning of a relationship but update as you go along.

As you get used to your partner or learn more about what you like and don’t like, your limits change.

When trying something new, start slowly. Exercise patience.

How you handle a new experience will color your feelings about that boundary or limit forever. Take it slow. Communicate, communicate, communicate.

Every aspect of BDSM has a boundary or a limit for you, even if you haven’t discovered it yet.

Links from the Show:

MeetHum.com Use coupon code “kaylalords” and save 10 percent!

I Wanted Him to Watch (review for the Hum)

Using Checklist to Figure Out Your Kinky Limits

Subscribe to the Loving BDSM newsletter for a free checklist

Checklist on Latches

Become a patron on Patreon

Support the show

Postcard Project

Subscribe on YouTube

Follow us on Instagram

Follow us Twitter

Message or friend us on Fetlife

Contact us!

Listen to the show:

iTunes

Google Play

Spotify

Your favorite podcast app!

Kayla Lords and John Brownstone discuss sadism and masochism in a D/s relationship in episode 61 of the Loving BDSM podcast.

In this episode:

John Brownstone is having a sale on his (very vanilla) Etsy shop – The Wood Dom!

S & M is separate from D/s – you can be one, but not the other.

Not every kinkster is into pain.

One of you can be into it and not the other and still make it work

A non-masochist sub may consider it part of their submission, another way to make a Dominant happy; a non-sadist may try it out to make a submissive happy or fill a need

You can “outsource” S&M if one of you is into it and the other isn’t – find someone you like and trust who can top or bottom for you to fulfill that need, a play partner

Common myths:

Only one type of S&M play – the extreme stuff

Masochists/subs are supposed to be quiet all the time – LOL

S & M is very serious business – yes, it is because of safety issues but there’s room for fun and laughter, too

Sadists are mean and masochists are extreme

S&M isn’t always about sharp pain – it can be about torture and fear in a variety of forms:

Edged/forced orgasms

Mind fucks

Teasing

Humiliation play

Tickling

Sensation play

Impact play

S&M can cause pain in one of three ways: physical, mental, or emotional (or a combination) – another reason to play very safe and use safewords and give aftercare

Dom Space – hyper focused on submissive and the scene

Sub Space – high on feel good chemicals

Links from the show:

The Wood Dom – John Brownstone’s Etsy shop – use code WOODDOM for 20 percent off $25 purchase (November 2016 only!)

Try These Kinky Forced Orgasm Scenarios (Kinkly)

You Don’t Have to Like All Kinds of Pain to Call Yourself a Masochist (Kinkly)

Spankings (podcast episode)

Become a patron on Patreon

Support the show

Postcard Project

Subscribe on YouTube

Follow us on Instagram

Follow us Twitter

Message or friend us on Fetlife

Contact us!

Listen to the show:

iTunes

Google Play

Spotify

Your favorite podcast app!

Kayla Lords and John Brownstone discuss sadism and masochism in a D/s relationship in episode 61 of the Loving BDSM podcast.

In this episode:

John Brownstone is having a sale on his (very vanilla) Etsy shop – The Wood Dom!

S & M is separate from D/s – you can be one, but not the other.

Not every kinkster is into pain.

One of you can be into it and not the other and still make it work

A non-masochist sub may consider it part of their submission, another way to make a Dominant happy; a non-sadist may try it out to make a submissive happy or fill a need

You can “outsource” S&M if one of you is into it and the other isn’t – find someone you like and trust who can top or bottom for you to fulfill that need, a play partner

Common myths:

Only one type of S&M play – the extreme stuff

Masochists/subs are supposed to be quiet all the time – LOL

S & M is very serious business – yes, it is because of safety issues but there’s room for fun and laughter, too

Sadists are mean and masochists are extreme

S&M isn’t always about sharp pain – it can be about torture and fear in a variety of forms:

Edged/forced orgasms

Mind fucks

Teasing

Humiliation play

Tickling

Sensation play

Impact play

S&M can cause pain in one of three ways: physical, mental, or emotional (or a combination) – another reason to play very safe and use safewords and give aftercare

Dom Space – hyper focused on submissive and the scene

Sub Space – high on feel good chemicals

Links from the show:

The Wood Dom – John Brownstone’s Etsy shop – use code WOODDOM for 20 percent off $25 purchase (November 2016 only!)

Try These Kinky Forced Orgasm Scenarios (Kinkly)

You Don’t Have to Like All Kinds of Pain to Call Yourself a Masochist (Kinkly)

Spankings (podcast episode)

Become a patron on Patreon

Support the show

Postcard Project

Subscribe on YouTube

Follow us on Instagram

Follow us Twitter

Message or friend us on Fetlife

Contact us!

Listen to the show:

iTunes

Google Play

Spotify

Your favorite podcast app!

In episode 60, Kayla Lords discusses the myths and lies submissives believe about themselves, especially after a break-up.

In this episode:

* Our spanking videos are now available through my website via a paid membership if you don’t want to use Patreon!

* John Brownstone had to take a week off to work with his wood. Ha!

* This week’s topic comes straight from the multiple messages and emails submissives send me when their heart is broken.

* I empathize completely with their feelings because I remember feeling the same way. Unfortunately, most of it isn’t true.

* The lies and myths submissives believe about themselves include:

* Being too much.

* Being too needy.

* Not enough.

* Maybe I’m not cut out for this.

* Maybe I’m unloveable.

* I’m a bother.

* I ask too much.

* Submissives assume the blame when a relationship fails, telling themselves if they’d been a better submissive, it could have lasted.

* In reality, it’s often no one’s fault, and more likely you and your partner weren’t compatible. Or you found a bad one and it’s a good thing they’re gone. (Yes, it’s hard to believe this when your heart is broken.)

* Many submissives will do “anything” to get the relationship back instead of allowing themselves to heal and move on.

* The grieving process takes as long as it takes. Don’t try to rush it or feel bad if you think it’s taking “too long.”

* Don’t try to be something you’re not to hold onto a relationship.

* Drink wine, eat too much, do whatever you need to do to grieve, but then pick yourself back up. You can do it.

* Let the failed relationships go and learn from your mistakes – it’s the only way to find the right partner.

* If you keep going through the same heartbreak over and over again, make sure you’re not choosing the same type of partner every time. Remember, insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting a different result.

* You are not broken, too much, or not enough. And yes, you deserve a lasting, loving D/s relationship.

Links from the show:

D/s Breakups (podcast episode)

Become a patron on Patreon

Support the show

Postcard Project

Subscribe on YouTube

Follow us on Instagram

Follow us Twitter

Message or friend us on Fetlife

Contact us!

Listen to the show:

iTunes

Google Play

Spotify

Your favorite podcast app!

In episode 60, Kayla Lords discusses the myths and lies submissives believe about themselves, especially after a break-up.

In this episode:

* Our spanking videos are now available through my website via a paid membership if you don’t want to use Patreon!

* John Brownstone had to take a week off to work with his wood. Ha!

* This week’s topic comes straight from the multiple messages and emails submissives send me when their heart is broken.

* I empathize completely with their feelings because I remember feeling the same way. Unfortunately, most of it isn’t true.

* The lies and myths submissives believe about themselves include:

* Being too much.

* Being too needy.

* Not enough.

* Maybe I’m not cut out for this.

* Maybe I’m unloveable.

* I’m a bother.

* I ask too much.

* Submissives assume the blame when a relationship fails, telling themselves if they’d been a better submissive, it could have lasted.

* In reality, it’s often no one’s fault, and more likely you and your partner weren’t compatible. Or you found a bad one and it’s a good thing they’re gone. (Yes, it’s hard to believe this when your heart is broken.)

* Many submissives will do “anything” to get the relationship back instead of allowing themselves to heal and move on.

* The grieving process takes as long as it takes. Don’t try to rush it or feel bad if you think it’s taking “too long.”

* Don’t try to be something you’re not to hold onto a relationship.

* Drink wine, eat too much, do whatever you need to do to grieve, but then pick yourself back up. You can do it.

* Let the failed relationships go and learn from your mistakes – it’s the only way to find the right partner.

* If you keep going through the same heartbreak over and over again, make sure you’re not choosing the same type of partner every time. Remember, insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting a different result.

* You are not broken, too much, or not enough. And yes, you deserve a lasting, loving D/s relationship.

Links from the show:

D/s Breakups (podcast episode)

Become a patron on Patreon

Support the show

Postcard Project

Subscribe on YouTube

Follow us on Instagram

Follow us Twitter

Message or friend us on Fetlife

Contact us!

Listen to the show:

iTunes

Google Play

Spotify

Your favorite podcast app!

Kayla Lords and John Brownstone discuss spankings in episode 59. There’s much more to it than a hand and an ass.

In this episode:

* Become our kinky patron at the $5 and up level, and you can watch John Brownstone spank my ass!

* There are different types of spankings: fun, funishment, punishment, and therapeutic.

* Spankings are typically ass and hand, but they can also be toys and other parts of your body: tits, pussy, cock, and even face (which is really a smack instead of a spank).

* You don’t have to be a sadist and a masochist to get something from spankings or to use them in your D/s relationship. It’s also okay and “normal” if you don’t enjoy spankings and don’t make them part of your dynamic. There’s no rule that says you have to be into spankings.

* Therapy spankings are my personal favorite because they release tension from my body between the impact and the pain.

* Be mindful of whether the therapy spanking works (it won’t always). You may have deeper issues to deal with than a spanking can cure – I know I did.

* Funishment is the playful teasing of “being bad” and getting the spanking you both want.

* Punishment (as discussed in episode 58) is awful and painful, and that’s the point.

* Submissives can ask for a spanking (within the confines of their particular dynamic) but be prepared to be denied or be surprised by what you get. We don’t always get what we’re asking for.

* For Dominants who enjoy them, spankings can be good for you, too. Spankings can be your own way to release tension or feed off the energy of your submissive.

* Always play safely and practice if you’re new to an activity. Yes, even if that means you spank a pillow to get the feel of it before you spank your partner.

* Toys can be used in spanking: floggers, paddles, canes, crops, belts, wooden spoons, brushes, you name it.

* Be mindful of red marks, bruises, and broken skin. Discuss what’s acceptable to you both before you add spanking. Some people are okay with welts and bruises but not cuts and blood.

Links from the show:

Smack! Three Thrilling Types of Spankings – Kinkly.com

More Than One Way to Spank an Ass – Fetish.com

Discipline, Punishment, and Consequences (podcast #58)

Paddles by John Brownstone

Follow Kayla on Twitter

Become a patron on Patreon

Support the show

Postcard Project

Subscribe on YouTube

Follow us on Instagram

Follow us Twitter

Message or friend us on Fetlife

Contact us!

Kayla Lords and John Brownstone discuss spankings in episode 59. There’s much more to it than a hand and an ass.

In this episode:

* Become our kinky patron at the $5 and up level, and you can watch John Brownstone spank my ass!

* There are different types of spankings: fun, funishment, punishment, and therapeutic.

* Spankings are typically ass and hand, but they can also be toys and other parts of your body: tits, pussy, cock, and even face (which is really a smack instead of a spank).

* You don’t have to be a sadist and a masochist to get something from spankings or to use them in your D/s relationship. It’s also okay and “normal” if you don’t enjoy spankings and don’t make them part of your dynamic. There’s no rule that says you have to be into spankings.

* Therapy spankings are my personal favorite because they release tension from my body between the impact and the pain.

* Be mindful of whether the therapy spanking works (it won’t always). You may have deeper issues to deal with than a spanking can cure – I know I did.

* Funishment is the playful teasing of “being bad” and getting the spanking you both want.

* Punishment (as discussed in episode 58) is awful and painful, and that’s the point.

* Submissives can ask for a spanking (within the confines of their particular dynamic) but be prepared to be denied or be surprised by what you get. We don’t always get what we’re asking for.

* For Dominants who enjoy them, spankings can be good for you, too. Spankings can be your own way to release tension or feed off the energy of your submissive.

* Always play safely and practice if you’re new to an activity. Yes, even if that means you spank a pillow to get the feel of it before you spank your partner.

* Toys can be used in spanking: floggers, paddles, canes, crops, belts, wooden spoons, brushes, you name it.

* Be mindful of red marks, bruises, and broken skin. Discuss what’s acceptable to you both before you add spanking. Some people are okay with welts and bruises but not cuts and blood.

Links from the show:

Smack! Three Thrilling Types of Spankings – Kinkly.com

More Than One Way to Spank an Ass – Fetish.com

Discipline, Punishment, and Consequences (podcast #58)

Paddles by John Brownstone

Follow Kayla on Twitter

Become a patron on Patreon

Support the show

Postcard Project

Subscribe on YouTube

Follow us on Instagram

Follow us Twitter

Message or friend us on Fetlife

Contact us!

Hosted by Kayla Lords and John Brownstone, episode 58 of the Loving BDSM podcast focuses on discipline, punishment, and consequences for submissives in D/s relationships.

In this episode:

* Buy my books and help send me to Eroticon!

* Two sides of discipline: the discipline to do what you’re told as a submissive and being disciplined when you don’t do what you’re told.

* Funishment is a playful type of “punishment.” Use it or don’t, but don’t let it take the place of simply asking for what you want.

* Punishments are meant to suck for the submissive. It should be something that deters future bad behavior.

* As a submissive, the first real test of your submission is the first time you’re told No.

* Punishments should be negotiated during the beginning of a relationship. They should not be sprung on a submissive as a surprise. 

* Submissives must consent to a punishment. If you feel the need to withdraw your consent prior to punishment, there may underlying issues that need to be dealt with.

* Punishment and consequence aren’t quite the same thing. Punishment is the act. Consequence is the outcome, and isn’t always an act of punishment.

* After a punishment, the incident is over. Ongoing punishment or anger is not okay or healthy for a relationship. Deal with the issue and your feelings around the incident and move on.

* Punishment should not be given in anger. Dominants need to admit their feelings and then wait until you’re calm enough to punish.

* Dominants have to follow through. If you say that there will be a punishment for certain behaviors, you must follow through.

Links from the show:

Buy Kayla’s Books!

The Responsibilities of a Dominant and a Submissive (podcast episode)

Training a Submissive in a D/s Relationship (podcast episode)

Become a patron on Patreon

Support the show

Postcard Project

Subscribe on YouTube

Follow us on Instagram

Follow us Twitter

Message or friend us on Fetlife

Contact us!

Listen to the show:

iTunes

Google Play

Spotify

Your favorite podcast app!