Adult Parent Adult Child Destructive Patterns
Welcome everyone and pull up a seat at the table. It’s Lunchtime in Rome. Tonight’s episode 255 is titled “Nothing’s Wrong vs Hooked.” This is our 2nd episode discussing Parent/Adult Children conflict. This one centers on miscommunication and manipulation. Hopefully this doesn’t apply to you or someone you love.
Pull up a seat at the table and join us!
* Description
* A classic way of drawing attention to unmet needs without being vulnerable is the “Nothing’s Wrong” game
* One person (typically parent) uses facial expressions, noises, etc to draw attention
* When asked about it they reply that nothing is wrong
* This creates further questions from the asker
* The Hooked (question asker) can become angry over time
* The NW can feel neglected or angry when the questions stop
* Results
* Anger mounts
* Communication is being manipulated rather than honest
* The Hooked becomes frustrated, blows up and/or begins to avoid altogether
* Example
* 1st example
* Parent - Phone call w/ no message
* Child - What did you need dad?
* Parent - Nothing, it doesn’t matter anyhow
* Child - what doesn’t matter, is everything ok?
* Parent - You know I’ll be fine
* Child - Fine about what? What’s going on?
* Example 2
* Me: Joe, cut the grass
* Joe: It’s on my list
* Me: Cuts the grass
* Joe: Are you mad?
* Me: No (just disappointed)
* Joe: (Feels guilty and sulks away)
* Why do they do it?
* Nothing Wrong
The “Nothing’s Wrong” person continues to play to gain attention and have the other person “pry” from them important facts, issues, or needs. This is much less risky than asking to talk or sharing needs vulnerably. This player also remains in control of the situation since the
game is played on his/her terms.
* Hooked
The “Hooked” player often benefits from this game in being insensitive or irresponsible until the partner begins this game. This player can always plead innocent that he/she
didn’t know anything was wrong!
* Underlying Issues
* Unmet needs
* Nothings wrong person -may have any number of needs: attention, support, appreciation, empathy, etc.
* “Hooked” often lacks awareness of his/her own need and thus can be “oblivious” to the other’s needs.
* Unhealed Hurts
* Nothings wrong - may have considerable fear about vulnerably sharing needs, as well as hurt from previous games.
* Hooked - may have considerable anger from previous games
* Faulty thinking (destructive patterns) - “Nothings Wrong” may “personalize” everyday occurrences and “magnify” their importance. “Hooked” may tend to “minimize” his/her own emotional needs and thus everyone else’s as well.
* Unhealed childhood hurts
* Nothings wrong - may have missed someone being sensitive to hurts and needs and taking initiative to ask about them—thus the game.
* Hooked - likewise may have missed out on sensitive “giving” to meet needs and thus ignores them or waits for “dramatic” cries for help.
* To disengage
A. “Nothing’s Wrong” can disengage in the following way:
1. Think through what your real need is.
Examples: chores, rides, phone calls, help with the grandkids (if the other way around), financial help, technological assistance
2. Choose the right time to express your need.
Examples: privately; in person if possible, phone if not, not text.
3. Lovingly express your need.
Be kind, thinking of their needs, be clear, be honest
4. The Game is Over!
B. “ Hooked” can disengage in the following way:
1. Share the truth in love—when you first notice the game begin.
Example: “By your tone and/or actions, I can tell that something is going on.”
2. Express your support and availability
Example: “When you’re ready to talk, let me know—I’d sure like to support you in whatever is troubling you.”
3. Listen attentively/respond lovingly.
Example: Undivided attention; eye contact; empathy; comfort; reassurance.
4. The Game is Over!
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