Magellans at the Movies

Arguments. Some people have them just constantly, and always at such a volume as to include everyone within a two mile radius in the dispute, whether they like it or not. The bellicose characters of A Streetcar Named Desire, a 1951 drama directed by Elia Kazan and based on the play by Tennessee Williams, have lots of disagreements, but the frequency with which they altercate has done nothing to repel generations of critics and audiences. Indeed, this tale of madness and mendacity in the American south has only increased its popularity since its already-rapturous release, but will the movie’s street car be judged desirable by Magellans at the Movies? Or will it be dragged to the asylum of overwrought performances and absurd melodrama in the straitjacket of datedness? You won’t need to rely on the kindness of strangers to find out, you can trust your favorite film reviewing duo to tell you all about it!

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Video games. One of the most ubiquitous and profitable mediums of entertainment in the world right now and the core personality trait of the most annoying person you know, video games represent a relatively new frontier in popular culture, which may be why so many of the most popular games, even from the form's inception, have tied their appeal to movies. The allure of inhabiting a world much like those which exist in your favorite movies gives developers a built-in selling point, hence franchises like Resident Evil, a series of survival horror action games drawing heavily from the classics of 70s and 80s horror flicks, which has now gone full ouroboros thanks to Zach Cregger's 2026 film Resident Evil, a movie based on games inspired by movies. Resident Evil has so far proved to be a hit with fans and critics alike thanks to its slick directing and inventive monstrosities, but will it successfully manage the resources of fear, humor, and action in a YouTube worthy run through a Resi game played on the silver screen? Or will Cregger and co. brick their save wasting time and bullets on meaningless threats and force themselves into a humiliating restart? Grab some herbs and ink and keep your eyes on the road as Magellans at the Movies embarks on a terrifying review to find out!

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Did you ever get the feeling you were being . . . watched? That a thousand eyes behind a thousand cameras were tracking your every move, broadcasting your life to unknown observers for unknown purposes? It's not that you live in the rapacious surveillance state that is modern America; you must be starring in The Truman Show! This voyeuristic dramedy from director Peter Weir released in 1998 and captured the imaginations of critics and audiences alike with its prescient vision of celebrity obsession and the unending search for authenticity in a performative world. But will the movie achieve self-awareness amid a crowd of extras and reunite with the long-lost love of quality entertainment, or will the film's journey to a positive review be insurmountably obstructed by a series of improbable setbacks? Get aware on the air with Magellans at the Movies as we find out on today's brand new episode!

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Superheroes. In comic books they’re cool, colorful men and women dispensing righteous justice to an eclectic cast of goofy supervillains. Yet, what would the paragons of costumed courage look like if translated from page to reality? What kind of personality would it take to theme oneself after cowboys or whatever and hit the streets to beat up dognappers? These are the questions posed by Watchmen, an acclaimed, beloved graphic novel by [REDACTED], Dave Gibbons, and John Higgins. Long considered the pinnacle of comics, this violent, satirical examination of the strange thought process behind masked vigilantism came into the sights of Hollywood in 2009 when it was adapted by Zack Snyder and friends for the silver screen. This lengthy, bloody flick contains all the Snyderisms you know and . . . well that you know. I’m talking slow motion, desaturated colors, and moody stares into the middle distance, a combination that was received decently by critics and more warmly by audiences. But will the movie make a triumphant return from retirement and save the afternoon from boredom, or will Nathan and Elliot grow disillusioned and retreat to Mars in the hopes of finding diversion elsewhere? Who listens to the podcast? You do, hopefully, so let’s start the episode!

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Space, basketball, and cartoons. Is there any more beloved combination in the grand halls of the cinematic medium? Everyone has their own personal favorites of the astronomical animated alley-oop genre, but few would argue that the tradition’s most notorious example came to us in the 1996 classic Space Jam, directed by Joe Pytka and based on Looney Tunes, and also a commercial? The idea’s inception is unimportant, what does matter is that this mashup of NBA legend Michael Jordan and animation legend Bugs Bunny and his cohort is, as far as unvarnished commercials pretending to be movies go, well liked by a certain population. If I sound like I’m being dismissive, then you’re very perceptive, but my opinions don’t matter one whit compared to the analyses of Nathan and Elliot Magalhães, who in today’s new episode will be reviewing all the cartoon and live action lunacy in this basketball bonanza. But will the movie dodge the enslaving aliens of dated jokes and nail a three pointer of hilarious, family-friendly fun? Or is it nothing but a desperate man digging in a golf course for quality it can never attain? Lace up your Air Jordans and don’t forget the carrots, let’s get started, folks!

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Cars go vroom, explosions go boom. Such is the organizational motto, founding principle, and indeed core appeal of The Fast and the Furious, a wildly successful series of car crime movies which gradually devolved into Marvel without explicitly acknowledged superpowers. From a little movie about street racing and high speed heists based on a Vibe article to not so little movies about saving the world from a wide selection of vague macguffins, our central gang of lovable stereotypes have driven, flown, and fought across ELEVEN FREAKING MOVIES to the delight of audiences everywhere. It’s not international criminal masterminds they have to contend with now, though, nor declining box office performances, or even Vin Diesel and the Rock’s inability to play well with others. No, in their latest challenge Dom Toretto and his family must contend with the high standards and acerbic wit of Magellans at the Movies! You heard right, ladies and gentlemen, for our next special episode F&F know-nothings Nathan and Elliot have sacrificed their time and sanity to watch every mainline entry in this high octane saga, and they even watched the spinoff because they just like you that much. But will they be taken in by all the guns and the fighting and the shots of women’s behinds, or will they decide to spend what quarter miles they have left in their lives on other, better series? Hit the NOS and fasten your seatbelts, it’s gonna be a bumpy ride!

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Why do I have to tell you who Spider-Man is? Have you seriously never heard of him, even if you haven’t seen this movie? I have better things to do than explain the deal with one of the most popular characters in all of fiction, or the details of one of his most iconic and recognizable screen outings. You want to know more? Look it up. I’m going to bed.

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Hair. Where? Here, there, and everywhere! What am I jabbering about? Why Rapunzel, of course, the heroine with uncommonly blessed follicles most famously seen on screen in Tangled, a 2010 animated adventure directed by Nathan Greno and Byron Howard, based on the fairy tale by . . . you know that’s actually somewhat complicated so let’s just say the Brothers Grimm. It’s a Disney princess movie, folks, and that means bright colors, songs of questionable necessity, and animals who, if they can’t talk, are still clearly sapient. Just because Tangled fits snugly within the Disney tradition doesn’t mean that it’s not good, however, and indeed many people over the years have described it as very good, even beloved. But will our hosts send off a thousand lantern salute in honor of an animated classic, or will the film turn withered and gray beneath their unforgiving eyes? Warm up your singing voice and let’s get braiding!

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Neighbors. Whether they’re polka dancing in the apartment above yours or inexplicably mowing the lawn at five in the morning, the people living over, under, and around us can be difficult. And yet of the many irritating scenarios you’ve no doubt experienced with them, I don’t think any neighbors have posed a greater challenge to Jesus’ most famous rule than the next-door extraterrestrials of District 9, a 2009 science fiction film directed by Neill Blomkamp. This brainy, grimy genre mashup imagined first contact as less of an existential and more of a humanitarian (alienarian?) crisis. It was a refreshingly original concept, executed with enough gritty style to make an overnight star of its freshman director, but will the film and our hosts overcome their differences and embark on a budding cross-species friendship, or will Nathan and Elliot flee like aliens from a ghetto in search of entertainment elsewhere? Strap in and avoid suspicious extraterrestrial canisters if at all possible as we find out!

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There’s no business like show business. Actually, I think there’s at least a couple businesses in which clueless narcissists and incompetent money men make fools of themselves both privately and professionally for the viewing pleasure of the masses, but perhaps none in environs so strenuous as Hollywood. Yes, the men and women behind the movies have to kill themselves in cutthroat work so contentious you might even say it’s . . . murder. At least that’s the case for the characters of The Player, a 1992 film directed by Robert Altman and based on the book by Michael Tolkin (no relation). This part noir, part comedy, part satirical sendup of what goes on behind the behind the scenes of moviemaking was a critical hit and awards darling thanks to its slick production and frequent celebrity cameos which haven’t aged poorly in any way whatsoever, and now aims for the most prestigious of awards: a kind word from Magellans at the Movies. But will the movie land a cushy, five picture contract in the hearts of our hosts, or will it receive nothing but a vague gesture towards a followup sometime in the next six months? If you don’t want to find out, keep it to yourself!

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