Magellans at the Movies

AAAAAAAAAHHHHH! Ahem. Excuse me, I was just having a frightening dream in which Gordon Ramsey kept viciously criticizing my cooking and then I looked down and realized I was trying to feed him a miniature version of myself. Now, you may hear that and think the problem is rooted in psychology, or perhaps an undigested bit of beef, but in point of fact you only reveal your own ignorance with such ridiculous hypotheses, for the truth is that I was astral projecting into a world of ghosts and ghouls, a strange realm in which the spirits of dead rip off Freddy Krueger, whistle for some reason, and listen to scratchy old phonographs. I am of course referring to the terrifying netherworld of The Further first appearing in Insidious, a 2010 horror film directed by James Wan. This dread-filled drama of deadly demons and darth maul lookalikes earned a decent reception from critics and a massive chunk of change at the box office, ensuring they’ll keep making the things for the rest of human history, but will the Magellans at the Movies happily tiptoe through the tulips of fear in the garden of skillful thrills? Or will the movie succumb to the coma of weak scares, tearfully attended to by the mourning mother of excessive reliance on horror tropes? I could tell you the answer, but why not go Further and listen to the episode yourself?

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Word of advice if you’re in a horror movie: never relocate. Even if your house is a dilapidated, rat-infested ruin I can all but guarantee that it’s preferable to whatever murder site, former Indian burial ground, or creepy hotel you’re considering for your next residence. If you’re not convinced, just ask the new folks on the block in Sinister, a 2012 horror flick directed by Scott Derrickson. This spook-tacular saga of snuff films and Babylonian boogiemen was a moderate success with critics and a bash at the box office, and has since enjoyed a cultural staying power extended by its cult following and scientific assessment as the scariest movie of all time. But will Sinister overcome the writer’s block of Nathan and Elliot skepticism and dismember their reservations with the axe of gripping, terrifying drama? Or will the movie’s face be shredded off by the lawn mower of tiresome jump scares and threadbare scripts? You don’t need to sacrifice your soul to Bughuul for the answers, you just need to play the episode!

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It may seem strange now, but there was a time when advanced life on Mars was a serious scientific contention. Supposed canals on the red planet's surface filled the imaginations of academics and entertainers alike with exotic alien societies, incredible technologies, and of course, lots and lots and lots of Martian hotties eager for the company of big, strapping Earthmen. That's how we came to have a crop of Mars fiction in the late 1800s to early 1900s, one of the more successful being Edgar Rice Burroughs' A Princess of Mars, a 1912 book adapted one hundred years later into the 2012 film John Carter under the direction of Andrew Stanton. This ambitious would-be trilogy opener is most well-known for one thing: failure. Thanks to a massive budget, limited marketing campaign, and lukewarm reception, John Carter lost as much as two hundred million dollars and ended or set back multiple careers by the time the damage was assessed. But have time and distance elevated the movie like a mighty leap in the weak gravity of nostalgia? Or do the oceans of fun and adventure remain desiccated by the scorching heat of boredom and convoluted worldbuilding? By Issus, start the episode to find out!

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Privacy can be hard to come by these days. Whether it’s nosy neighbors, intrusive family members, or the ever present eye of avaricious corporations gobbling up your personal data so they can charge you more for watermelons, the obstacles preventing modern man from a moment to himself are numerous and ubiquitous. Still, it could always be worse, after all the televisions could be watching us, right? Oh, wait. Well, anyways, things still haven’t gone full 1984 quite yet, as you can see when you watch, well, 1984, released in, wouldn’t ya know it, 1984 and directed by Michael Radford from the book by George Orwell. This bleak, brutal portrait of unrestrained totalitarianism may not be as famous as its source material, but it still contained enough rich imagery and strong acting to earn a fair few plaudits for itself. But will Nathan and Elliot find in it refuge from the insidious non-entertainment of Goldstein and his ilk? Or will they find the movie guilty of filmcrime and condemn it to room 101? Big brother may be watching you, but he’s listening to Magellans at the Movies, and you should be too!

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Arguments. Some people have them just constantly, and always at such a volume as to include everyone within a two mile radius in the dispute, whether they like it or not. The bellicose characters of A Streetcar Named Desire, a 1951 drama directed by Elia Kazan and based on the play by Tennessee Williams, have lots of disagreements, but the frequency with which they altercate has done nothing to repel generations of critics and audiences. Indeed, this tale of madness and mendacity in the American south has only increased its popularity since its already-rapturous release, but will the movie’s street car be judged desirable by Magellans at the Movies? Or will it be dragged to the asylum of overwrought performances and absurd melodrama in the straitjacket of datedness? You won’t need to rely on the kindness of strangers to find out, you can trust your favorite film reviewing duo to tell you all about it!

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Video games. One of the most ubiquitous and profitable mediums of entertainment in the world right now and the core personality trait of the most annoying person you know, video games represent a relatively new frontier in popular culture, which may be why so many of the most popular games, even from the form's inception, have tied their appeal to movies. The allure of inhabiting a world much like those which exist in your favorite movies gives developers a built-in selling point, hence franchises like Resident Evil, a series of survival horror action games drawing heavily from the classics of 70s and 80s horror flicks, which has now gone full ouroboros thanks to Zach Cregger's 2026 film Resident Evil, a movie based on games inspired by movies. Resident Evil has so far proved to be a hit with fans and critics alike thanks to its slick directing and inventive monstrosities, but will it successfully manage the resources of fear, humor, and action in a YouTube worthy run through a Resi game played on the silver screen? Or will Cregger and co. brick their save wasting time and bullets on meaningless threats and force themselves into a humiliating restart? Grab some herbs and ink and keep your eyes on the road as Magellans at the Movies embarks on a terrifying review to find out!

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Did you ever get the feeling you were being . . . watched? That a thousand eyes behind a thousand cameras were tracking your every move, broadcasting your life to unknown observers for unknown purposes? It's not that you live in the rapacious surveillance state that is modern America; you must be starring in The Truman Show! This voyeuristic dramedy from director Peter Weir released in 1998 and captured the imaginations of critics and audiences alike with its prescient vision of celebrity obsession and the unending search for authenticity in a performative world. But will the movie achieve self-awareness amid a crowd of extras and reunite with the long-lost love of quality entertainment, or will the film's journey to a positive review be insurmountably obstructed by a series of improbable setbacks? Get aware on the air with Magellans at the Movies as we find out on today's brand new episode!

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Superheroes. In comic books they’re cool, colorful men and women dispensing righteous justice to an eclectic cast of goofy supervillains. Yet, what would the paragons of costumed courage look like if translated from page to reality? What kind of personality would it take to theme oneself after cowboys or whatever and hit the streets to beat up dognappers? These are the questions posed by Watchmen, an acclaimed, beloved graphic novel by [REDACTED], Dave Gibbons, and John Higgins. Long considered the pinnacle of comics, this violent, satirical examination of the strange thought process behind masked vigilantism came into the sights of Hollywood in 2009 when it was adapted by Zack Snyder and friends for the silver screen. This lengthy, bloody flick contains all the Snyderisms you know and . . . well that you know. I’m talking slow motion, desaturated colors, and moody stares into the middle distance, a combination that was received decently by critics and more warmly by audiences. But will the movie make a triumphant return from retirement and save the afternoon from boredom, or will Nathan and Elliot grow disillusioned and retreat to Mars in the hopes of finding diversion elsewhere? Who listens to the podcast? You do, hopefully, so let’s start the episode!

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Space, basketball, and cartoons. Is there any more beloved combination in the grand halls of the cinematic medium? Everyone has their own personal favorites of the astronomical animated alley-oop genre, but few would argue that the tradition’s most notorious example came to us in the 1996 classic Space Jam, directed by Joe Pytka and based on Looney Tunes, and also a commercial? The idea’s inception is unimportant, what does matter is that this mashup of NBA legend Michael Jordan and animation legend Bugs Bunny and his cohort is, as far as unvarnished commercials pretending to be movies go, well liked by a certain population. If I sound like I’m being dismissive, then you’re very perceptive, but my opinions don’t matter one whit compared to the analyses of Nathan and Elliot Magalhães, who in today’s new episode will be reviewing all the cartoon and live action lunacy in this basketball bonanza. But will the movie dodge the enslaving aliens of dated jokes and nail a three pointer of hilarious, family-friendly fun? Or is it nothing but a desperate man digging in a golf course for quality it can never attain? Lace up your Air Jordans and don’t forget the carrots, let’s get started, folks!

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Cars go vroom, explosions go boom. Such is the organizational motto, founding principle, and indeed core appeal of The Fast and the Furious, a wildly successful series of car crime movies which gradually devolved into Marvel without explicitly acknowledged superpowers. From a little movie about street racing and high speed heists based on a Vibe article to not so little movies about saving the world from a wide selection of vague macguffins, our central gang of lovable stereotypes have driven, flown, and fought across ELEVEN FREAKING MOVIES to the delight of audiences everywhere. It’s not international criminal masterminds they have to contend with now, though, nor declining box office performances, or even Vin Diesel and the Rock’s inability to play well with others. No, in their latest challenge Dom Toretto and his family must contend with the high standards and acerbic wit of Magellans at the Movies! You heard right, ladies and gentlemen, for our next special episode F&F know-nothings Nathan and Elliot have sacrificed their time and sanity to watch every mainline entry in this high octane saga, and they even watched the spinoff because they just like you that much. But will they be taken in by all the guns and the fighting and the shots of women’s behinds, or will they decide to spend what quarter miles they have left in their lives on other, better series? Hit the NOS and fasten your seatbelts, it’s gonna be a bumpy ride!

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