the universe works through a process of magic and i'm not sure if you felt that when you were in mania i think the word manic could be changed to magic and even though it's magic it's not really that magical what I really mean is that the universe works in a way that's beyond our logical ego minds capacity to see and we have thought processes and then we have science that uses thought to think about the universe and and try and see how it works by the scientific method and that's somewhat helpful but at the same time that doesn't mean that the universe works based on science it just means that using the scientific method there's going to be scientific discoveries about the universe but that doesn't mean that that's how the universe works it doesn't work the way our mind logically works we see it that way because that's how our mind works based on logic but that's not necessarily how it is and to me we come across that in the state of mania would wow the world works in incredible ways but we don't see it that way on a daily basis so it's not really that magical it's magic only in that it's something that we don't understand how it works obviously we don't and we probably never will the universe once showed me that I'll never understand how it works and this was probably the weirdest experience I ever had in so-called psychosis was I went to the hospital and I tried to get in the hospital and they turned me away and I came back to my place and that was blood on a red pepper in my place and I was like what the hell and then I said like what the hell to my mom just no no she acts weird when that happens I don't know what oh it's not that weird I'm like this is massed and so I ended up in the psych ward a couple days later and then when I got home a couple days after that I went to my parents house and they were watching a show on those kids that bleed out of their eyes and then they were my parents were just like oh whatever and they were saying how no one ever saw it start it was only people saw the blood coming out of their eyes so they weren't they were thinking it could have been put there like if they didn't see it actually start then well that doesn't prove like it could be a hoax right that's what they were saying on the show and I said to my parents I said no the reason why we don't see it start is because the universe is saying you're never gonna figure me out you're never going to figure me out like try to figure out why kids are bleeding from their eyes and and you don't see it start just like there's blood on a red pepper in my place and I'm like universe with the hell come on why are you doing that and so the universe can do anything it can probably create a whole ya wouldn't even say it but it's just really messed up and so I said okay universe I'm not going to try and figure you out I'm just gonna go about my business and you can do whatever you want but that's the thing the universe as soon as we at one step closer to figuring it out it's just going to create something weirder for us to be baffled by because it doesn't work the way that we think that it does it only consistently seems to work the way we think it does because that's the way we think it works so that's what we're going to see and then these anomalies happen that people see anomalies and then people experience anomalies in mania and psychosis and then they come back and they're said oh you were just mentally ill it's like no maybe there's something else to see it's just most people can't see it and I that's another thing with the embodying nematic trades is that I feel like by being that way we're going to an uncovered that world that's there within us all for us all to be our best shiny wonderful beautiful selves and that's the thing too is that utilizing mania as a platform a sort of transformative tool to become one's best self is a little strange and I'm just talking about it a lot to get it out of my system and maybe talk enough that I'll convince myself that I really think this but it's not actually that some people take this transformation process and and they call it spiritual and and it I feel like it is spiritual I feel spiritual because it doesn't feel logical if it could feel magical it could feel wondrous it could feel like a state of awe all of these different states and characteristics and traits of the manic state are not logical ego states because one's ego is scrambled and suspended so thus it feels spiritual in my mind it's actually a lot of it is just turnham our normal state of being and to me it's really a state of learning all the time if you can imagine you were a child again and how you were always learning like every day you're learning so much without thinking Oh today I learned this this and this you were just learning you were learning how to walk you were learning how to crawl you're learning how to jump now imagine if that process never stopped and I feel it stopped mostly when we entered formal education because we're said sit in a chair and look at this book and learn this what I'm saying to learn instead of randomly synchronistic lee through one's environment and experiences and relationships learning now if that never stopped it was never stopped at the age of five or six or seven what kind of human beings would we be to me a person like my experience of mania it's almost like going back to that version of me as if I never stop learning but being reconnected to that is like I feel like I'm a child again i feel like i'm free i feel like i can see i feel like i can explore and learn and be creative and play and dance and and not be so self-critical and the self critic is the ego that's in the way of that experience so i don't know if i go to that place where that's where I would be if I never stop learning or if I'm just sort of transferred back into that state of sort of being an adult child being like a child learning again but as an adult but to me it feels like there's this huge gap that's like 20 year gap from when I stopped learning at the age of 52 when I went into that state at the age of 29 so there's this huge gap and and it feels so foreign and it feels so new and it feels so magical and spiritual and wonderful because I haven't been in that state for 25 years but if I never exited that state if my growth and my learning was never stunted would I feel like it was a different place what I feel like it was so would it feel spiritual or what I just feel like I'm a human being learning I don't know if it would feel spiritual to me like the club like spirituality is almost a concept that we develop because of our lack of meaning that we develop through our education system and and the current economic progress and growth and gross national product and all this stuff it could just be a concept in my mind and that experience of going into that hyper learning adult child state just might feel really foreign and so we put the story on it that it's spiritual and I'm not saying that there's no spirituality I'm just saying that if we were just always learning and we never had that happen where we had to go to school and and memorize and judge and measure and compare and like and dislike would we have ever developed the concept of spirituality would we ever have developed the concept of the ego personal self those things seem like two sides of one coin and i'm not sure if they really exist to me it could be almost like spirituality is a bit of a compensation for the lack of meaning and it might be a necessary thing given the fact that we were all educated through the formal education system so we might need that to kind of navigate as sort of a compass but to me i feel that a lot of the stuff nowadays around spirituality stuff it could almost be like adding another layer to our our ego thinking while I'm ego so I need to be mindful and spiritual and all these things and there's probably quite a bit of value in that and I've explored a lot of that but when I think about the state of mania and how it blows all of that apart temporarily it feels really spiritual and it could be a little bit of like an over compensation so going into that state could almost be like an overcompensation for all those years of not being just in that natural learning state where our brain is open and receptive and learning and able to see properly it's like a recoil so it might not necessarily be as much like how do i get my spirituality or anything like that as much as how do I learn because the thing too that I'm trying to say is that if we are always in that learning state and we're never put in a space where we stop learning and we started memorizing and would we feel so incompetent like would we feel like we need to learn like we need to consume so much from others or would we feel self sufficient in our own capacities and what would a world look like if there was just a bunch of human beings that were self-sufficient in their own capacities and and seeing and operating intelligently it's a subtle thing and I don't really know what I think about it I'm just wondering about the whole so many people selling a lot of spirituality and there's some there's some great stuff out there for sure I'm not talking like don't I'm not saying that it's bad I'm just saying that I'm wondering about the underlying desire for that and I'm wondering about how it feels spiritual and it's felt spiritual for me in the state of mania but I'm wondering about just curious about if I would have never stopped learning what I feel spiritual like would there be the concept of spirituality maybe that's what I'm getting at is just it would be so fundamental that there would be no concept for it there would be no oh this is spiritual and that's not spiritual it would just be part of the fabric of reality that would be imperceptible because it's not a concept concepts are words and I just feel like perhaps maybe spirituality is learning it seems like it's something that we're born with were born with learning we're not born with logic and we're not born with words apparently and it's interesting and I've talked about this before how some children are being born nearly immune to words or they're becoming early in their life immune to words I feel like our logic is destroying us and our words are destroying us our words divide us and then now we're having children who are being born immune to words and we're thinking why is this happening we don't look at like this over arching thing so this energy I think is the energy of learning it comes in and scrambles the ego and we can learn again and see again we can be creative and and I actually feel we were born with that energy it's not something foreign we probably have that manic energy as children we just have energy we just have learning we just have love and and that gets damp and down and then if a person goes this energy comes in and blast apart the ego and a person goes into that state it feels so good it feels like you know like if you haven't taken a shower for two months and you have a shower it's kind of feel so whole good and now if you have a shower every day it's not really going to feel that great or if you haven't eaten for a week and then you eat it's going to taste so good so my point with this whole manic energy is that it feels so good because we just haven't had it in a long time and since we were kids but I think it's actually our natural way of being and so I think over time it will get to the point where maybe we don't notice that energy again if we can embody being who we are in that natural state because it's showing us our natural state it's not showing us something foreign it's not showing something that we hate there are scary parts for sure and to me that's usually the coming back to the ego process as the ego was Rico alessa ng and forming a structure to blind you back into this regular paradigm that scary as hell it's like the equal and opposite thing right it feels once being in that really energized state for a period of time coming back is just as as energized but scary you know imagine going to heaven and coming back it's kind of like that it's it's a journey and to me to going into that state and coming back it's almost like a gift in a way and and I think that energy wants us to utilize that gift somehow by connecting with our altruism are being our best self do we don't have to wait for that energy to move towards that and by moving towards it we might break up the blocks and barriers in our ego consciousness and in our neurophysiology and our structure to actually be able to embody that and actually to the course through the lightworkers institute and they talk a lot about awakening your body and reconnecting with your body and different techniques to actually stand in your power and stand as your best self and it talks about how a lot of the traumas and crap are stored in our muscles and ourselves and by actually practicing standing and proper posture and proper gestures you will be closer to that better self so there's a whole science behind this and that that's in line with Rolfing and the lightworkers institute stuff that's to me that's a little bit part of embodying your mania is being consciously aware of how you walk and how you talk and your posture and your gestures and and everything like that and the funny thing is that in mania I was probably naturally like that standing up straight strong confident using my voice well etc so it's already how we are but sometimes it can take a bit of work for that to break down our logic is not part of this energy our logic actually blocks this energy and of course we need a certain amount of logic and rationality but over rationalizing and and the type of logic that destroys nature for short-term gains that is not good and I actually feel like that's partly why children are not able to acquire languages because Gaia is saying holy crap we need to start making it so human beings aren't so logical because look what it's doing like Gaia will not allow us to destroy her like no matter what so I'm not really worried about that but it's sad that our children have to bear the brunt of it and the thing with the ego tues we think that we know everything about ourselves the ego is like blah blah blah blah and telling us what we know and what we know about ourselves and when that other energy comes in and blows that all the parts like you don't know anything about you and you don't know anything about the universe you don't know anything and it's such a blissful state that we don't care we're like show me what's out there show me what what's to know like and there's a lot you just look at something and you have a hundred thoughts about how it might work what it relates to innovation about it how you know the history of it where it came from you just you kind of know so much just by like taking a glance at something and that's why I can get overwhelming to is because like way too much information if there was a society designed for people knowing that when they look at something they're gonna know everything about it there would be less crap there'd be more nature there'd be less human creations and the thing is too we look at nature and just be an awe and Wonder and we wouldn't have to be like well I need a thousand movie collection you know it we would just be out there like in magic land so after I came back from map land and I i received a diagnosis I also went to psycho education classes to learn all about my my new mental illness and I listened and I paid attention and and you know with all the psycho education I never did take it to heart so it was logical information and it was good to know but I never took it to heart because the learning I received through the universe and from the universe and with the universe was way more powerful it was too powerful for them to give me some little explanation to explain it away and even though it's helpful sometimes I'm totally okay with utilizing things where they're helpful and putting things aside that don't resonate and aren't helpful so if taking a bit of something is helpful I'll take it if living in certain housing is helpful I'll go live there if getting certain training is helpful I'll do that but it doesn't mean I have to take on the story to the point where my recall memories are of the experience of mania are painted with all the explanations of mental illness to the point where I dismiss them and forget everything I learned and and also lead me to self stigmatize myself to think something's wrong with me to think I have some big problem and at times it's problematic and I've had help that was actually more problematic than helpful and I've had helped that was helpful so it's just one of those things that sometimes it's helpful and sometimes it's not and either way even if it's helpful and even if it's not helpful I always learn something I always learn something about if I could design the system I would change that and or this could be better and maybe there's no place to voice some of that right now but in time there probably will be and and so also I don't like to waste my energy getting too mad about anything that happens or too glad either because I really just want to focus on just learning and there's always there's always more to learn and it's not really personal like the extra energy process isn't a personal process it's not oh I'm so great or it's not oh this is for your personal pleasure it was a learning about how I need to be my best self for for the world and not to save the world but to be my best self in every moment that I possibly can because that is going to create the best ripple of me being here on earth and there's not much else I can do than that and so what I'm saying is if I I dwell too much on the bad stuff that happens I I'm just going to be creating bad ripples within myself that harm myself and increase the likelihood of that bad thing happening again so if I do well on the bad and I end up back in the hospital because I'm stressed dwelling in the back and then bad things accumulate and I end up back on the hospital then that bad thing could happen again whereas if I do my best to move on and it's it's hard like I'm not saying it's easy it takes it takes sort of endurance training to keep myself safe against myself to keep myself safe against the system to keep myself safe against things that happen that aren't so great in the system and and still trying to move forward and do whatever I do all I'm saying is that this is the best way to keep myself safe from myself and from the system is not dwelling on stuff that I do or the system does and i still like i was harmed by the system last hospitalization but I worked towards creating the representation agreement and the advance directive so I now feel safer and it's I'm sure it's not foolproof but it's a lot better than not having it and then if I went into some kind of extreme distress thinking to myself in the moment of extreme distress thinking I'm not going to call for help because what if that happens again and then who knows what would happen this way at least I'll think ok if I call for help they're not going to do that treatment that I did not like because I already created a plan against that and so so it's a it's a it's an interesting it's an interesting process and so when I was hospitalized recently I didn't know that I would ever think oh I need an advance directive but that crap happened and I learned I learned oh I better create this advance directive to protect myself from that and protect myself from myself because if I don't have that I don't know if I will reach out for help because I'll think help is worse than not help

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