How Often Should We Actually Be Having Sex?

Honestly? We get asked this all the time. And everyone wants a number.

“Once a week? Twice? Three times? What’s the magic answer here, Chris?”

But the truth is, there isn’t a magic number.

We’ve been married long enough to know that life changes. Babies, toddlers, teenagers, stress, work, health stuff, hormones, you name it. Some seasons are easier than others. And sometimes you’re thinking, “Sex sounds amazing,” and other times you’re thinking, “Can I just go to bed?”

What matters more than a number is connection. Do we feel loved? Pursued? Wanted? Are we making intimacy a priority?

And we’ve had to learn that Chris and I don’t always experience intimacy the same way. Sometimes I need the emotional connection first, and Chris is like, “We had a conversation. I feel connected. Let’s go!”

But we’re both after the same thing: feeling close to each other.

So instead of comparing our marriage to some random statistic, we need to actually talk to each other. What feels realistic in this season? What helps you feel loved? How can we stay connected?

Because we’re not trying to hit some magic number. We’re trying to have a healthy, fun, connected marriage, and honestly, that’s way more important than checking a box.

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I feel like we’ve all gotten marriage advice at some point and just assumed, “Well, I guess that’s what you’re supposed to do.” But some of the advice we hear all the time… might actually be making things harder.

In this video, we are talking through some of those really common marriage “rules” and asking, “Okay, but does this actually work?”

And I’ll tell you, there are a few in here that might make you go, “Wait… you’re saying THAT is bad advice?”

So come hang out with us, because we’re going to challenge a few things, probably ruffle some feathers, and hopefully give you a better way to think about love and marriage.

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Let’s be honest... sometimes date nights can start looking a lot like sitting on the couch, scrolling Netflix forever, and calling it a night.

So we asked AI to plan three summer dates that felt like us, but also pushed us a little outside our comfort zone. And honestly, it did a pretty good job. Some dates were definitely better than others, but what I loved most was that they all got us out of our usual routine.

The biggest takeaway for me? It wasn't that AI planned the perfect date. It just gave us a reason to try something new together. And sometimes that's exactly what you need to make date night feel fun again.

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Okay, real talk... if you've been married for, like, five minutes, you already know love doesn't magically make everything easy. We got to a point where we were basically really good roommates. We loved each other, but we just weren't getting each other anymore. Then we started reading a few marriage books, and honestly? They were total game changers. They helped us understand how differently we think, communicate without driving each other crazy, and actually feel connected again. These are the books I recommend to everyone because they genuinely changed our marriage, and I really think they can help yours too.

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Books:

For Women Only: https://www.amazon.com/-/es/dp/1601424442?linkCode=ssc&tag=nos09-20&creativeASIN=1601424442&asc_item-id=amzn1.ideas.3BOP40YT2KPLZ&ref_=aip_sf_list_spv_ofs_mixed_d_asin

For Men Only: https://www.amazon.com/-/es/dp/1601424450?linkCode=ssc&tag=nos09-20&creativeASIN=1601424450&asc_item-id=amzn1.ideas.3BOP40YT2KPLZ&ref_=aip_sf_list_spv_ofs_mixed_d_asin

Men Are Like Waffles--Women Are Like Spaghetti: Understanding and Delighting in Your Differences: https://www.amazon.com/-/es/dp/0736968881?linkCode=ssc&tag=nos09-20&creativeASIN=0736968881&asc_item-id=amzn1.ideas.3BOP40YT2KPLZ&ref_=aip_sf_list_spv_ofs_mixed_d_asin

His Needs, Her Needs: https://www.amazon.com/-/es/dp/0800740998?linkCode=ssc&tag=nos09-20&creativeASIN=0800740998&asc_item-id=amzn1.ideas.3BOP40YT2KPLZ&ref_=aip_sf_list_spv_ofs_mixed_d_asin

Sex Begins in the Kitchen: Creating Intimacy to Make Your Marriage Sizzle: https://www.amazon.com/-/es/dp/0800731174?linkCode=ssc&tag=nos09-20&creativeASIN=0800731174&asc_item-id=amzn1.ideas.3BOP40YT2KPLZ&ref_=aip_sf_list_spv_ofs_mixed_d_asin

7 Things He'll Never Tell You: . . . But You Need to Know : https://www.amazon.com/-/es/dp/1414312091?linkCode=ssc&tag=nos09-20&creativeASIN=1414312091&asc_item-id=amzn1.ideas.3BOP40YT2KPLZ&ref_=aip_sf_list_spv_ofs_mixed_d_asin

The Power of a Praying Husband: https://www.amazon.com/-/es/dp/0736957588?linkCode=ssc&tag=nos09-20&creativeASIN=0736957588&asc_item-id=amzn1.ideas.3BOP40YT2KPLZ&ref_=aip_sf_list_spv_ofs_mixed_d_asin

The Power of a Praying Wife:

Praying for Your Husband from Head to Toe: https://www.amazon.com/-/es/dp/B00DK8Q35A?linkCode=ssc&tag=nos09-20&creativeASIN=B00DK8Q35A&asc_item-id=amzn1.ideas.3BOP40YT2KPLZ&ref_=aip_sf_list_spv_ofs_mixed_d_asin

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work:

The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages: https://www.amazon.com/-/es/dp/1601421214?linkCode=ssc&tag=nos09-20&creativeASIN=1601421214&asc_item-id=amzn1.ideas.3BOP40YT2KPLZ&ref_=aip_sf_list_spv_ofs_mixed_d_asin

Cherish: The One Word That Changes Everything for Your Marriage https://www.amazon.com/-/es/dp/B01N4DCA61?linkCode=ssc&tag=nos09-20&creativeASIN=B01N4DCA61&asc_item-id=amzn1.ideas.3BOP40YT2KPLZ&ref_=aip_sf_list_spv_ofs_mixed_d_asin

Happy Wives Club https://www.amazon.com/-/es/dp/1400205042?linkCode=ssc&tag=nos09-20&creativeASIN=1400205042&asc_item-id=amzn1.ideas.3BOP40YT2KPLZ&ref_=aip_sf_list_spv_ofs_mixed_d_asin The power of a praying wife: https://amzn.to/4z4QOPM
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: https://amzn.to/4cch4O5

Coffee we're drinking: https://amzn.to/4e3P6Wn

Christian marriages often fall into the same destructive patterns as non-Christian marriages because, even though believers have faith, the Holy Spirit, and God's guidance, they are still human. People bring their past experiences, hurts, insecurities, fears, and selfish tendencies into marriage, which can lead to conflict, misunderstandings, and unhealthy relational patterns despite their love for God and desire to follow Him..

Using relationship research, there are four destructive patterns that commonly damage marriages: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.

Ultimately, a healthy Christian marriage is not about finding a perfect partner but about becoming a more Christlike person. Through forgiveness, humility, self-reflection, and reliance on God’s strength, couples can break destructive patterns and build relationships marked by grace, mutual respect, commitment, and sacrificial love. The goal is not perfection but steady growth, creating a marriage that reflects God’s love and provides hope, security, and support for both partners.

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Many women are drawn not to perfection, but to qualities that create trust, connection, and emotional safety. Being a good listener, showing strength without being controlling, demonstrating confidence without arrogance, and maintaining a caring, emotionally engaged presence are often seen as highly attractive traits. A shared sense of humor also plays an important role, helping couples stay connected and navigate challenges together. Ultimately, attraction is less about appearance or grand gestures and more about feeling understood, respected, supported, and able to grow together through life's ups and downs.

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What Men Really Find Attractive in Women (It’s Not What You Think): https://youtu.be/sJcG9PjNH4U

Many men are attracted to qualities that go beyond physical appearance, including confidence, authenticity, competence, kindness, and emotional warmth. Women who are comfortable with themselves, genuine in their personality, capable of handling responsibilities, and thoughtful in the way they care for others are often viewed as especially attractive.

Physical attraction is important, such as being flirtatious, intelligent, natural in appearance, or smelling good. Spirituality and shared values are also highlighted as important factors, with wisdom, faith, and personal growth contributing to stronger and deeper relationships.

Overall, lasting attraction is based more on character, trust, authenticity, and a meaningful connection than on mere appearance.

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Most couples don’t grow apart because of one major problem, but because of small, repeated habits over time that slowly become irritating. These everyday frustrations—like messiness, noise, forgetfulness, distractions, and communication habits—can build tension in a relationship if not addressed.

The key is learning which issues are worth addressing and which are better to overlook. Minor annoyances often require patience and perspective, while more serious concerns should be communicated calmly without criticism or control. Healthy relationships improve when partners express needs clearly, focus on how behaviors affect each other, and avoid turning small habits into ongoing conflict.

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Marriage requires intentional effort and growth, not just relying on what comes naturally. People often enter relationships without realizing their own selfish tendencies, the significant differences between partners, and the importance of clear communication instead of assumptions.

Strong relationships are built by learning to be selfless, understanding each other’s emotional and physical needs, and openly expressing expectations. Practical boundaries—like maintaining privacy in conflicts and seeking wise guidance when needed—also help protect the relationship.

Spiritual connection, such as supporting each other through prayer, can deepen intimacy and shift perspective during challenges. Ultimately, lasting marriages are strengthened over time through commitment, effort, and the willingness to work through difficulties together rather than giving up too quickly.

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Romance in a relationship doesn’t usually disappear on purpose—it fades due to busyness and lack of intentional effort, causing couples to drift into feeling like roommates. Rebuilding that connection doesn’t require drastic changes, but small, consistent actions: thoughtful gestures, regular appreciation, distraction-free conversations, physical affection, shared fun, and intentional intimacy. Even with challenges like kids or busy schedules, prioritizing each other and communicating openly can restore closeness. Overall, strong relationships thrive when both people are intentional about nurturing connection, rather than letting life run on autopilot.

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