Managing My Grief

MMG4 Types of Grief: Normal Grief

When exploring normal grief many take it from their own perspective, when in all actuality, it’s about asking does the person’s reaction make sense with their context…. We live in a quick fix it type of world and unfortunately, that many times carries over into grief. Grief isn’t something to be fixed, it’s something to experience. Its not right or wrong, it just is. It’s a natural experience after loss.

That’s an excerpter from the show. Today, we’ll  be discussing Normal Grief, and, here’s the intro.

Intro

I’m glad you chose to join me for this discussion on Normal Grief. 

Did you know that there are 15 types of grief? 

Death alone is challenging to grieve, but there are other losses that occur after losing companionship, such as changes in family roles, financial changes, and loss of dreams of what could be. Keep in mind that the type of grief we’ll be discussing isn’t “good” or “bad,” it’s a mere way for you to identify what you are experiencing. When you understand what you are experiencing, it can be used as a grounding place and it can bring normalcy to the experience, which in itself is gratifying and beneficial. 

Normal Grief  is defined as the ability to move towards acceptance of loss. The initially intensity of emotions such as pain, sadness, loneliness, anger, guilt, and yearning  gradually decreases. People who experience normal grief are able to function in their daily activities such as maintaining healthy eating habits, taking showers, meeting work goals, taking care of family, paying bills, and other life responsibilities. 

While preparing for the show I came across an insightful question regarding normal and abnormal grief. The questions comes from Whatsyourgrief.com. 

Which of the following grief related behaviors is abnormal?

A.  A father who visits his son’s grave every morning
 B. A widower who continues to wear his wedding ring 5 years after his wife’s death
 C. A woman who refuses to part with her deceased mother’s belongings
 D. A  woman who avoids the restaurant where she met her deceased husband
 E. A man who experiences intensely emotional days two years after his daughter’s death
 F.  None of the above – you have no idea what’s normal for anyone else in their grief.

If you guessed (F), congratulations you get 100%

This particular article goes on to explain that humans naturally categorize things, resulting in us trying to place things in a nice and neat box. When something doesn’t fit into the box we created, we consider that behavior or situation to be abnormal. Grief isn’t simple enough to put into a box, now combine that complexity with each human being’s uniqueness in perspective, experiences, personality, genetics, and culture. 

Lets look at an example to try to understand how complex grief can be. Chris is a 22 yo who’s mother died a couple months before he graduated from college. Graduation comes and he was able to have 2 weeks between graduation and his first day of work at his new job. He decided to go home where his father and younger brother still live. When he walks into the house for the first time, he sees a picture that his mother and him took the night of his Senior Prom. Chris feels intense distress has thoughts that he can’t survive without her and breaks down and cries. The 2 weeks go by quickly. As he leaves the house to start his adult life, he sees the picture again. This time, he feels a closeness to his mother, has thoughts that she will always be with him and sheds a few tears. The object didn’t change. Chris had the similar outward reactions of tearfulness. The thing that changes was his internal reaction, grief, his thoughts and emotions. Even in normal grief, things can be unpredictable at times because “your relationship with certain thoughts, objects

MMG3 Types of Grief: Anticipatory Grief

In this particular study done in Sweden, they revealed that 4 out of 10 widows reported that “the pre-loss period was more stressful than the post-loss.” That’s an excerpter from the show. Today, we’ll  be discussing Anticipatory Grief and, here’s the intro.

Intro

I’m glad you chose to join me for this discussion on Anticipatory Grief. 

Did you know that there are 15 types of grief? 

Death alone is challenging to grieve, but there are other losses that occur after losing companionship, such as changes in family roles, financial changes, and loss of dreams of what could be. Keep in mind that the type of grief we’ll be discussing isn’t “good” or “bad,” it’s a mere way for you to identify what you are experiencing. When you understand what you are experiencing, it can be used as a grounding place and it can bring normalcy to the experience, which in itself is gratifying and beneficial. 

Anticipatory Grief or what some call Preparatory Grief occurs before death. This type of grief is common to experience when someone finds out that a loved one or they themselves will eventually die, usually related to a chronic illness or a surgery gone wrong.

Its extremely challenging because the person is in an in between place. On one hand wanting to embrace hope that the person will live, while on the other hand trying to cope with the idea of losing the person, all while trying to enjoy the time they have left with the person. 

Since anticipatory grief is rarely discussed, people experiencing it often feel isolated. If they were to express their grief, many times people aren’t supportive or don’t accept the person’s pain because the person who is sick is still living.

Think about the partner who finds out their spouse has stage 4 cancer and only have a few months to live. What are some things that partner is told? “How’s your spouse doing?” or “It’s great that you get to spend that last few months together.” Here’s a common one, “It’s unfortunately the doctors found out too late. I’ll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.” 

While all these comments sounds supportive and empathetic, in reality, they are superficial and non-supportive to the person experiencing the grief. 

True empathetic comments will go something like this, “Wow, I can’t imagine what it’s like to have to watch a spouse slowly die. How are you handling it?” or “This whole situation is tough and I’m sure its hard to handle this alone. If you ever want to talk or have someone to sit with, let me know.” Or “This has to be painful for you. How are you dealing with your upcoming loss?”

Do you hear the difference between the set of comments? One doesn’t truly acknowledge the spouse and the second set sees that spouse for where they are and what they are experiencing. In our fast paced  self-centered world, many deliberately choose the first set because it elicits a precise and non-deeply emotional response, resulting in the person commenting feeling as if they supported, but in reality dismissed the grief that the person is experiencing. Yes, it will take time to sit and listen or to sit in silence with someone, but if you truly want to support the person, you have to see the person for where they are mentally and emotionally. 

There was a Swedish study done with widows who’s relatives were dying from cancer. The study used the Anticipatory Grief Scale which was created in 1991 that uses the Likert Scale. In this case the scale was 1-5. One meaning Strongly Disagree and 5 meaning Strongly Agree. The widows filled out this self-assessment questionnaire based on what they were currently experiencing . Questions ranges in topics from daydreaming about how things use to be before the diagnose, to feelings, reactions, and future thoughts. In this particular study done in Sweden, they revealed that 4 out of 10 widows re

Many people who minimize their experience with loss because people who they are close to didn’t validate their experience. Loss is a part of life, so naturally, grief is a part of life. If someone you know minimizes your experience with loss, whether it’s loss of a job, death of a partner, or leaving college, remind yourself that this is your experience. Not theirs, so they aren’t always going to understand.

That’s an excerpter from the show. Today, we’ll  be discussing Events that Cause Grief. And, here’s the intro.

Intro

I’m glad you chose to join me for this discussion on Events that Cause Grief.

When you hear someone is grieving, what’s the first thing you think? If you thought something along the lines of someone must of died, you’re with the majority. Although death is definitely a leading cause for someone to experience grief, there are other events that happen in life that can lead to grieving. 

As I was preparing for the show and looking over these definitions, I was reminded and touched by how deeply the pain of being deprived can be. How you want something back so badly, but are unable to attain that thing again. To never be able to experience something the way it was once experienced and only have memories or items to remind you of that experience. It’s understandable why grief is so challenging to live with and why some deliberately choose to push down their grief instead of acknowledging it. The pain can be overwhelming to even think about for some.  After listening to the show, if you feel overwhelmed or down, remember to do something healthy to lift your spirits. I’ll share a few ideas at the end as well. 

In a previous show discussed what grief. To listen, go to the Defining Grief, Mourning, and Bereavement Show. For now, I’ll give an overview. Grief is basically the inward distress one has after experiencing a loss. 

Loss and lose have many definitions in the Webster’s Dictionary. Some of which include, to miss from one’s possession; to suffer deprivation of; to part with especially in an unforeseen or accidental manner; the harm resulting from separation; a decrease in amount, magnitude, or degree, and several more definitions. 

So how does this relate to identifying events that lead to grief? It’s all about one’s internal reaction. Two people can have the same experience, but based on genetics, perspective, experiences, and many more factors, the two individuals will have completely different reactions. 

Take for example one who experiences a divorce. Divorce is a common cause for grief. While one person who is getting a divorce may feel elated, another person may feel deprived, heartbroken, and distressed, resulting in them experiencing grief. While listening to this list, understand that not everyone who has these experiences will also experience grief.

This list was taken from GreifRecoveryMethod.com Now, let’s get to the list. 

A few events include, death of a spouse, death of a family member or friend, divorce, and marital separation. This next one I found to be very interesting, marriage. Marriage in itself can bring grief. There are other aspects to marriage that can bring grief, such as, an increase in conflict within a marriage. 

Imprisonment is another event that can lead to grief. Grief is very common amongst people who experience chronic illnesses. This part of the list includes loss of control of body, change in health of a family member, personal injury or illness.  Elizabeth Kubler Ross was a Swiss-American  Psychiatrist who wrote a book called On Death and Dying. In her book she interviewed 200 cancer patients, which is where we get the 5 stages of grief or what some may call the Kubler-Ross Model. In a future show I’ll  discuss the different stages or experiences of grief. Kubler-Ross did a superb job in showing how many people with

Transcript:

When one experience loss, they are essentially, deprived of something or someone. Although someone appears to be functioning magnificently in society, in reality, within the confines of their home, they could be mourning.

That’s an excerpt  from the show. Today, we’ll  be discussing Defining Grief, Mourning, and Bereavement. And, here’s the intro.

Intro

I’m glad you chose to join me for my first Managing My Grief Podcast Show. This discussion is on Defining Grief, Mourning, and Bereavement.

Many times we hear someone use the terms grief, mourn, and bereavement interchangeably, but do you really know what they mean? Grief, according to Webster’s Dictionary, is a “deep and poignant distress caused by or as if by bereavement.” 

While mourning’s definition is, “to feel or express grief or sorrow; to show the customary signs of grief for a death” 

They may sound similar, but they are quite different. Grief can be viewed as the internal reaction after experiencing loss, such as anger, sadness, or hurt.

And mourning is the outward expression of grief. For example, a child loses their parent. Inwardly, they may experience confusion and anger, that’s grief. Outwardly they may cry, or become more aggressive towards peers, and that is mourning.

At times you may hear people say, “They’re still mourning,” or recently someone shared with me that they haven’t mourned their father’s death yet because they have to focus on supporting their family. In a future show we’ll talk about the different reasons why someone may not mourn immediately after a loss. 

For now, I’m going to share a story with you so see if you can identify the grief and mourning. Again, grief is internal reaction and mourning is the outward expression. Keep in mind that sometimes, mourning isn’t obvious. 

Chris is a 22 year old who recently lost his mother. He continues attending classes and maintaining good grades in college. Chris continues spending time with his friend, and seems to be functioning as well as when his mother was still living. Several weeks pass, a few of his friends notice that when they go out to eat, he doesn’t eat as much, sometimes, doesn’t eat at all. His friend’s jokingly confront him and he jokes back saying, “I’m trying to lose weight.” As finals draw near, he dives more into studying and passes all of his classes. At graduation, distant relatives notice Chris’ loss in weight and make a few comments on how handsome he looks. Throughout the graduation celebration, family members tell him how proud his mom would be if she were here. He oddly looks down, says thanking, and moves away to talk with other people. 

Were you able to pick up on the grief and mourning Chris was experiencing?   The grief Chris experienced was depression. There’s a difference between sadness and depression. The initial difference is the length. Sadness typically lasts no more than 2 weeks, but if someone experiences sadness consistently for 2 or more weeks, then that experience can be classified as depression. The depression Chris was experiencing was being manifested by losing his appetite and not eating as much. His method of mourning was not eating. Now that’s not to say that he deliberately chose to lose his appetite. Losing his appetite was how the grief chose to manifest itself outwardly. Everyone experiences grief differently resulting in them mourning differently, and that’s okay, that’s what make’s us unique. 

On to bereavement. Bereavement is another term we may hear someone use. “Oh, they are in bereavement,” or  related to work, someone may say “they’re gone for bereavement.” Here in the U.S. most jobs provide a 3 day Bereavement Period for people to “deal with the death of a family member.” Which by the way, 3 days isn’t long enough to “deal” with loss, but that’s another discussion. There are some empl