Marjorie Ingall and Susan McCarthy are co-authors of the book Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, The Case for Good Apologies, where they draw on a deep well of research in psychology, sociology, law, and medicine to explain why a good apology is hard to find and why it doesn't have to be. They also have a website called SorryWatch, where they track bad apologies and occasionally good apologies as well.

In their book, Susan and Marjorie have identified the good, bad, and ugly ways we say I'm sorry for that thing I did or said or didn't do or didn't say.

We like to distinguish between corporate politician celebrity apologies that are made not to truly be apologetic but to salvage your brand. You know that bad stilted corporate apology. You know there's also the sort of influencer celebrity Instagram notes apology which or you know in general like little video apology from a famous person where they don't wear their makeup so you know they're serious. They're often holding a small fluffy dog. They always start with, "Hey guys, I just wanted to talk to you myself." And then it comes into this litany of self-justification. Good apologies tend to make things vanish from the forefront of the public mind. One of the things that fascinated me doing research for this book, I came across the Zeigarnik effect, which suggests that you remember uncompleted actions better than completed actions.

The authors argue that apologies are essential for repairing relationships and restoring trust. They also provide a six-step process for giving a good apology.

A good apology puts the other person's feelings front and center.

1. Say "I'm sorry" or "I apologize." Not "I wanted to apologize for"

or "I regret." SAY THE WORDS. (We can talk about why those specific

formulations are the right ones later, but we bet most people can

guess.)

2. Say what you're sorry FOR. Name the thing. Not "the situation" or

"what happened."

3. Show you understand why it was bad/wrong/a cause of pain.

4. If you need to offer some explanation, BE CAREFUL; don't let

explanation become excuse. (This is the hardest step for me, btw.)

5. Explain what you're doing to ensure it never happens again.

6. Make reparations, if that's possible.

6.5 = LISTEN. People want to be heard. Let them talk. Let them

discuss why they're upset. It's .5 because you don't SAY or DO

anything except bear witness. (And indeed, you shouldn't interject

when you're letting them have their say.)

About the Sorrywatchers (from their website)

Susan McCarthy

Susan is the author of Becoming a Tiger: How Baby Animals Learn to Live in the Wild (HarperCollins) and co-author with Jeffrey Moussaieff Masson of When Elephants Weep: The Emotional Lives of Animals (Delacorte). A modest person, she seldom mentions that the latter book was an international bestseller.

Publications she’s written for include Discover, Guardian.co.uk, Outside, Parade, Salon, Smithsonian, and Wired. McCarthy wrote a piece for Salon on apologies (“How to Say You’re Sorry: A Refresher Course”) which has been lastingly popular, and which has encouraged her to think more about the matter.