For the third and final week of our mini-series on Christian sexuality, we get the inside scoop from Hayley Thoen on her “backwards” journey to find faithful sexuality. We know Hayley from her role in the recent Netflix series, Marriage or Mortgage (episode 7), where she and her then fiancé, Andrew, are vocal about their choice to live separately in order to keep from having sex until they’re married. So, to be on a show where you either get to choose a dream home or dream wedding, you’d think the choice to hurry up and get married would be pretty easy, right? 

Well, no spoilers here, so go watch the show or listen to this episode to see what they picked.

What you won’t find on the show though is the crazy and courageous journey Hayley and Andrew took to arrive at their choice for abstinence until marriage. While the show suggests they had been waiting for marriage from the start of their relationship, Hayley tells us quite a different story.  

Their timeline goes like this:

February 2016 – they meet
August 2016 – they move in together
October 2018 – they get engaged
August 2019 - they come to faith, are baptized, stop having sex, and Andrew moves out
Fall 2019 – they film the show 

So, what sparked their hard turn away from casual sex in their relationship and their tough decision to stop sleeping and living together? When the couple got engaged, they sat down and picked a wedding date. But it was the next question they asked that day changed their lives forever.

“We had no idea who we could ask to marry us.” With neither of them being part of a church, they began visiting different ones around Nashville in hopes of finding a church home and someone to officiate the wedding. What they found was an entirely new understanding of faith, of God’s design for sex and marriage, and deep, life-changing relationships with Jesus that neither of them had experienced before.

I couldn’t love Hayley and her story more. She is honest about wanting to choose what was logistically easiest, and honestly “logical,” over what she knew the Bible says about sex. She encourages women who might be feeling like they want to hold off from sex with a partner but are afraid having that conversation could compromise the relationship. And she’s so real with us about how sexual temptation is a struggle too big for any of us to handle on our own without the grace of God and without community.

When I asked Hayley if, today, she’d say their choice to hit pause physically and start, what she called, “actually dating again” during their engagement was the right choice, she gave a quick “absolutely!” Not only did their decision strengthen their faith as individuals and as a couple, she also attributes the emotional depth and trust and communication they gained over their year and a half of celibacy to taking sex off the table.

“I think we were using sex to cover up [all our other issues],” she said. “Once that was off the table, that’s when we really began to grow.”

This girl is honest, courageous, and so generous to share her story and encourage anyone in a place of sexual struggle or guilt or questions. And she’s emphatic – she’s here for you if you need her:

DM Hayley @hayleythoen !

Join her at Zeal Church in Nashville