Episode Fifteen — Part V (Chapters three to seven) -- Final Episode!

After they move Shute, Helena and Max have an ethical discussion about kidnapping, medical malpractice, and branding. The media conference is more like a circus, as the media isn't exactly on its best behavior. And then Rob gets to watch while the Ghosts have their revenge. In the end, they all live, happily, and ever after. Though Nick still has something to say through his lovely Titania3000.

An excerpt from Dr. Tundra and Helena's discussion of branding:

"Seriously. You like scotch, right? So say you buy a cer-tain brand and we know that there's this other brand that is just as good, but less expensive. We can help you find that other brand," Helena said

"Hmm. Single malt kind of defies the brand concept, I think," Max replied.

"No, not at all. In fact, single malt is a great example of the power of the brand. We all know that Glenfiddich is a good scotch, but there are lots of other single malts that are better. But everyone knows Glenfiddich — even people who don't like single malt scotch — because of the strength of its brand. It's not just the actual product, it's about the feelings you have for the product. And that's because they were branding their scotch before people even knew what branding was."

"So what is Gargantuan's brand?"

"That's the problem I have with Shute."

"That's your problem? Not the fact that he's just messed with Nick's DNA?" Max said. He looked at Shute contemptuously, and for a moment Helena thought he might kick the partially conscious man.

"Well, that too, but he's not building the Gargantuan brand."

"You've helped kidnap him because of branding?"

"Oh, no, I have other reasons too, but that is my corporate reason for doing so."

Episode Fourteen — Part V (Chapters one and two):Spider and Seedy finally come to the Kunfu-riffic conclusion to their kidnapping caper, learning all about Japanese sword-making, physics and why acrylic ski masks suck. In chapter two, the gang finally puts their plan into action, and they capture the King of the Gag, learning that he has some seriously lizardfish proclivities. And that two women kissing is not as hot as it first sounds.

An excerpt from the kidnapping, as Shute arrives at Helena's apartment:

"The idea was that Max and I were going to get into Helena's closet and wait for their signal. They hoped to get Shute to agree to being tied up, as part of their little three-some. If that went off without a hitch, then it should make things considerably easier.

We all had another drink together, to kill the last twenty minutes before Shute was due to arrive. No doubt he would be fashionably late. By one pm, we were all keyed up. I don't mind telling you there was an awkward psycho-sexual energy in the room, not at all dampened by another round of scotch. Honza Chodets was tasting better and better.

I was so wound up, I almost dropped my scotch, when at five-to-one, there was a knock at the door. Helena grabbed our drinks, poured them into the sink, and shooed us into her bedroom, where Max and I got into the walk-in closet. Ariadne waited in the bedroom, looking at me through the slats in Helena's closet doors.

Helena let Shute in and his eyebrows actually arched when he saw what she was wearing. "Where's Thipirous?" he asked. "I hope she's not dressed as provocatively as you Borovich, or my heart might not be able to take it.""

Episode Thirteen — Part IV (Chapters eight to twelve): Hippolyta comes up with a way for her kidnappers to get her father's codes, while giving her some hope of surviving the whole caper. Rob, Ariadne, Helena, Erma and Max cook up a plan to get Shute, and let the whole world know about what Gargantuan has done to Nick. Shute gets some great news about his ménage, and Rob discovers that he can learn about things in a new way.

An excerpt:

"As we were going over the notes again, a picture emerged of where Hippolyta was — not from good detective work, though the skeptics amongst you will say that's what it was. I just saw it. I thought I could smell the Shade of Antonia's perfume as an image of an old husk of an apartment building filled my mind.

I described it to everyone, almost like I was reading the description from a kidnapper's guide book: "The Skanky Apartments, down in the un-gentrified part of the docklands are a perfect setting for any kind of shady endeavour, but if you plan to kidnap and freakishly dismember an heiress, you couldn't ask for a nicer location. There's no people around, there's lots of ambiance, and the rooms are decorated in the original retro style. Just add fungus and decay and you have felonious magic!"

Everyone looked at me the way they did when the first saw Nick, post monkeyfication."

Episode Twelve — Part IV (Chapters five to seven): Rob explains how he escapes Gargantuan Enterprises with the incriminating data, and meets up with Ariadne. They have the talk. Meanwhile, Erma decides to rescue the now-apish Nick from the now-nymphish Helena. And in chapter seven, we learn what Gag knows about the security breach, and that the Ghost of Johnny can speak a little Latin.

An excerpt of Rob waiting at a Starbucks for his new love:

"I'll wait for you at the Den of Ubiquity," I whispered, "next door."

I liked the chain's coffee, though I'm not a connoisseur. I'm not sure you need four or five of them within a one-block radius, no matter how addicted to their brand of caffeine you might be. Perhaps it is the marvellous decor that people can't get enough of — too bad you can only sit in one at a time, though I suppose if they put webcams in each store you could "enjoy" them all at once.

The barista was fetching, there was no doubt, even if I was already smitten with Ariadne. Now, you must remember, I had not been in a "relationship" for some time, and I was yet to get into that mindset. I noticed her making the coffee right away. Perhaps it was her overwhelming competence — she only had to hear a customer ask for a double-milk-latte-half-caf-mocha-frappa-dappa-doolay once, and she had the order — but I think it was her distracted, yet annoyed smile that did it for me. It could have been her voluptuous figure, of which I could only see the top half. Perhaps it was the man-juice flowing in my veins. So, I had no reservations about sitting there, sipping my Kenyan High-land Roast Orgasm, or whatever it was called, while Ariadne finished her shift.

She arrived in time to rescue our budding romance from my fickle male nature. When she walked in, looking as dignified as any upright hominid can in a polyester uniform adorned with the Consume-It! logo; I forgot all about the angry barista."

Episode Eleven — Part Four (Chapters three and four): Helena and Rob plot the down-throw of the King of the Gag, deciding to move on both the Oberon project, and on whatever Gargantuan was doing to Nick. They realize too late that Nick is already getting his third treatment, which is creating the final changes to his DNA. Helena meets him for one more coffee break in the lobby, while Rob gets to work on his sabotage. Meanwhile, Spider and Seedy try to figure out, with their kidnapping victim's help, how to get something out of Shute.

Excerpt from chapter three, while Helena and Rob plot their coup:

I laughed again. It was easy to forget that Hot Helena was also really funny. She could definitely do much better than Shute, but she hadn't been trying. From what I could tell, Helena had spent the last ten years working really hard.

"So, I have a couple of things to ask," I said.

"Why don't you let me start? I've learned a little bit about what Nick's doing here."

"Really?"

"Yes," she said. "I'm supposed to have dinner with the guy who's running the program Nick is in tonight, so I'll have details, but he's altering DNA. They've already done it to other animals."

"You mean, like, in vitro animals. Cloning?"

"No. Live animals. The Letch seemed proud of that. They're changing the DNA of live animals. They've already done their work with lower animals, and they're starting on humans."

"Holy shit."

"I think that's what's happening to Nick," Helena said.

"What are they doing?"

"That I don't know. Fucking with his DNA. The Letch said something about wanting to upgrade chimps, so from that, my guess is that they're regressing their human subjects."

"Regressing?"

"Did you ever watch Star Trek?"

"Uh, yeah."

"Remember the one where Riker turns into a caveman and Worf starts spraying poison all over the crew as they also deevolve?"

"Oh Helena. The Next Generation?"

"Yeah," she said. "What? The middle seasons were good!"

"A hottie who watches Star Trek. Even The Next Generation. How did I not date you?"

"You never asked, bonehead. And that ship has sailed, so don't get any ideas."

Part Four (Chapters one and two): Determined to save Ariadne and Nick, Rob goes to Gargantuan the next day, but he is unable to get past the (potty-mouthed) guard at the elevator. Meanwhile, Shute springs a hell of a question on Helena, but allows her to talk to Larry the Letch, who is the lead researcher turning Nick into a monkey.

An excerpt from chapter one, as Rob tries to visit Helena, and is prevented by the security guard:

"That's not a valid ID, sir," he said. His voice had a little more of an edge to it now, as though he was saying to me, "I may be a security guard, but I'm not an idiot." I didn't think he was an idiot. Really. I would never assume that about someone just because of their job. "What is your business on the upper floors, sir."

He kept saying "sir" like it was some kind of insult, I mean, I'm sure he was saying "sir" but the subtext was all different. Actually, what I heard was different. So while he said, "What is your business on the upper floors, sir," what I heard was, "What is your business on the upper floors, you lying sack of shit."

It kind of threw me.

Win a copy of Marvellous Hairy, or a role in my next novel. Contest runs until Oct. 16th, 2009: details here.Episode Nine — Part Three (Chapters four to eight): This slightly shorter episode is all about being shaken down, stood up, and freaked out. In chapter four, Seedy and Spider put their kidnapping plan in to action, causing Hippolyta to be both amused and terrified. Ariadne stands up Shute, and we discover that he's even colder than we thought. Erma isn't exactly stood up by Nick, but she sure is worried about him, as she should be. We end with another update to Nick's journal, in his Titania3000.

An excerpt from his journal:

Friends are so lovely. You feel safer around them. I like their smells, even the disgusting ones. You know they're safe, not like the strange smells outside. The scary smells of all those throngs of people walking and laughing and hurting one another in the world. So many of them. I am so itchy. My body seems to be covered in tiny dark hairs, darker than normal.

I need to work on the opus, but is gettttting ssso hard to type. It'ssss like IIIII can'tttt ccccontroll the pressssurreee with my fingerssssss.

Itch.

Scratch.

I could rrrrreally goooo forrrr a bananananananan smoo-oo-oothy —

Episode Eight — Part Three (Chapter four): In this episode we gather for a nice evening out, with Rob, Nick and Max. The good news is that Rob happens to run into Ariadne at the pub. The bad news is that Max drops acid, gets "the Sauce" and has a meaningful experience with a cactus. Oh, and Nick is pretty weird too. But Rob is definitely falling for Ariadne.

An excerpt:

Meanwhile Max came out of his bedroom, dressed in some running shorts and a singlet. His green eyes looked scary, the pupils tiny despite the duskiness of the room. Nick calmed down again, and Max poured himself a scotch. He sat down, and immediately said, "Holy shit. Look at the fucking cactus!"

"What about the cactus?" I asked.

"I mean, look at it. How can you miss it?"

Nick sensed Max's fascination, and he started staring at it too. It was like they weren't there, and Ariadne and I started talking.

"Do they do this often?"

"Hardly ever. Nick especially. I have to say, I'm really surprised. Tundra is a freak. He probably does this more than he should, but I'm not usually with him when he does, so I couldn't tell you how frequently."

"It's nice that you look out for your friends."

"Ah, I'll tease them mercilessly tomorrow. And for the foreseeable future."

"Yeah, but you know." She slid closer to me on the couch.

Episode Seven — Part Three (chapters one to three): This episode is all about intimate conversations: a megalomaniac talks with his ghost, and we learn what's going to happen to Nick. The monkey-man discovers the lure of the banana, and so does Helena, VP, Marketing, Gargantuan Enterprises. And in chapter three, the VP learns that her boss, the Megalomaniac and CEO of Gargantuan Enterprises (not his actual title) might be crazy and yes, is planning to launch a weather-controlling satellite.

An excerpt from chapter two. Nick has run into Helena at the Gargantuan Enterprises building, and they have a coffee together:

They managed to get the same table where Helena and I had sat before, and talked for a while about the weather. Midway through his coffee, Nick got up and went back to the counter where he bought a banana. The thought of it had been haunting him since he had ordered his cappuccino.

"So what study are you participating in?"

"Hmm. Not allowed to talk about it. There's a helmet involved and everything," Nick said, and then pointed to his banana. "Would you like to taste this? It's incredible. It tastes like no other banana I've ever had in my life, I mean —" he took another bite, and chewed, his eyes rolling back into his head with pleasure. "I mean, this is fucking fabulous," Nick exclaimed. "Sorry," he smiled, a winning grin, "I didn't mean to hog it all. Here, have a bite."

He offered the banana to Helena, and she was extremely conscious of his hand holding it as her lips surrounded the pale flesh of the fruit. Her face flushed, and she took a bite, self-consciously. It tasted like a banana, but the accompanying rush of blood to her face, and other regions, gave it an extra zest.

"Mmm," she said.

"Yeah!" Nick finished the fruit, and got up to buy another one.

In Episode Six (Part II – The Human Ideal – chapters six to nine), we witness two separate cab rides — one in which Rob is lectured by the cabbie on the importance of love, and another in which we can see love beginning between Nick and Erma. Rob finally arrives at his destination, St. Dymphna's Hospital, where Dr. Tundra works, and where Rob plays a special prank on the maniac psych doc/chemical Magellan. In chapter nine, we return to Nick's journal, and his thoughts on the day, writing, and new-found love.

Another excerpt from Nick's journal (chapter nine):

"A wise man once wrote: "Love looks not with the eyes but with the mind." And thank the stars that it be so, for I could see that her eyes saw not my pudgy middle, but my middle eye, the flashing knowledge that I have of the subconscious world and true art. I saw, it as though by lightning. Strobes and flickers of a shape that lashes out at me with tendrils of love and pain — a deep sea creature with arms both toxic and tender.

A great day, and even better for all that it was a lizard-day, normally so mundane and about my basic needs. But those have been met. Seedy paid the full price, the agreed price, and the physiology lab paid more than they agreed, and now there is time to do nothing but write. Oh, that and visit the glass penis for my next spinal injection."