This solo episode of Sonitotum with Matthew Wayne Selznick is also a Scribtotum article, because it’s all about big things, big changes for the podcast, and big questions writers, authors, and all creators must ask themselves now and then.
Mainly: Are you doing what really matters in your creative life?
This episode was recorded on September 13, 2024. What follows is adapted and condensed from the transcript.
Time and Money
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, assessing, researching and reading and thinking and researching some to get a good handle on the state of me… and that’s led me to some decisions.
For episode 106 of my podcast, Sonitotum with Matthew Wayne Selznick, I was toying the addressing the challenges of time and money for most authors, indie or traditional.
Usually, services are available where expertise and time are lacking… but those services, while (usually) fairly priced by service providers (like myself), are often outside of the budget of many authors.
I quickly remembered that’s a universal not restricted to the creative space: when it comes to things that make your life easier or bring you closer to your goals, you can either pay with time, or with money.
Thinking about it dovetailed with, and was soon overtaken by, how much thought I’d been giving to another aspect of time: how much we have left.
Consideration given to time is relative to where you are in your life.
When we’re young, there’s more time and less money, generally.
As we get older, ideally, there’s more money… but without question, rich or poor, there is less time.
A Mostly Arbitrary Calculation of Time
Every time I turn around, someone I know, or a creator that I respect — and sometimes that’s the same person — has died.
I’m 57 years old this year. I have, based on actuarial data, maybe thirty years left on this planet if I’m lucky. There’s no telling how much of that time will be spent in good mental and physical health.
I have some clues. My maternal line, for which I have the most information, tends toward longevity (into their late seventies and early eighties) despite chronic illnesses.
Me? I have some arthritis in my hands. I have hypertension, which I’ve tried and failed to reverse with lifestyle changes; I’ll have to resort to medicine soon. I have never smoked. I’m a healthy weight. All told, I’m in pretty good health, so if my direct ancestors lived as long as they did under a mountain of medical issues, it’s not unreasonable to assume I’ll make it at least into my eighties.
Stil, that time goes quickly. Especially the end time, because the older you get, even in the best of circumstances, the less you can do.
A Very Systematic Calculation of Money
Financially, I’m in about as bad a state as I’ve been since my twenties, although the reasons aren’t the same as they were in the late eighties and into the nineties. Back then, it was to do with minimum wage jobs, poor choices, and living a “rock and roll” lifestyle (don’t get too excited; that pretty much just means sacrificing stability and wealth for attempts at art).
Thanks to some medical issues (everyone is on the mend) and client contraction, 2024 has been rough, and most of my attention, most of my energy, most of my effort, has been dedicated to treading water as I circle the drain, leaving very little time and energy for creative work.
Energy Crisis
Still, the drive to do creative work persists, but there’s a dearth of energy, both at the beginning of the day (no sleep!) and the end (worked too hard!), from which to draw.
You see, there’s one other thing that’s been going on this year. We’ve got an elderly cat who is relatively healthy except for some thyroid issues for which we have a pill… but Biggie is getting senile. He often wakes up scared, confused, and hungry in the middle of the night, yowling at the top of his lungs. A four AM feeding will calm him down, but he needs his food put right in front of his face and won’t eat unless a human sits there with him.
The result? All year, I’ve been running a sleep deficit that’s more and more dangerous the longer it goes on.
That’s the situation, and while one way or another it’s not going to be permanent, it’s not going to end anytime soon.
Faced with that, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about how I should dedicate my very limited time and, especially, energy.
The One Thing
The one thing I really want, and need, is to have the time and energy and opportunity for the deep focus intrinsic to creative work.
By which I mean: To be able to focus, uninterrupted, on long thoughts. For me, creating fiction requires that. Long stretches of time for what the author and professor Cal Newport calls “deep work.”
I read Newport’s Deep Work recently, leading me to quip on Threads that the experience was like being a fish flopping around in the desert watching a television with a picture of the ocean playing on it. So many things in that book described what I wanted; needed. Perfect situations; best possible circumstances… while knowing I’m in no position to reach them.
Similarly, I read Atomic Habits by James Clear, which is full of evidence and science and research-based information and practices on positive habit formation with the goal of focusing more and accomplishing more.
You could read those two books back-to-back; they complement each other well.
In both books, I saw a version of myself that I had been. A version of myself I have been aspiring to, and for various reasons of environment and circumstance I have not been able to reacquire.
This has been, for me, a terrible year for new fiction.
I did write and release the novelette “Reggie vs. Kaiju Storm Dragon Squidbat,” and it’s funny, sometimes I forget I accomplished that.
But I have not made much progress on Shadow of the Outsider, my next novel. That second book of the Outsider trilogy, which is part of the larger Shaper’s World storyworld… that’s my main thing right now, or it should be.
The Energy / Focus / Creativity Equation
But fiction is hard. Fiction requires, for me, good long stretches of uninterrupted focus.
Uninterrupted time to focus requires opportunity.
And opportunity has a literal cost.
The time I spend working on fiction is deducted from time, and energy from billable client hours I know will contribute to paying the bills.
The Podcasting Problem
Sonitotum with Matthew Wayne Selznick takes considerable time and energy, if comparably little money.
The interview episodes take especially long.
The raw recording takes an hour and a half speaking to the guest, plus another ten to twenty minutes on the rest of the recording. It takes another 16 hours, give or take, to edit and produce the episode, and then edit and refine the transcript, research and write the show notes, create the thumbnail and feature image, edit and render the video version, upload that video, create the YouTube version, upload the audio edition, and get it all out there in the world.
For solo episodes, it could be a lot less because I don’t have to edit two different people and balance their voices and make it all sound as good as possible.
Recently, I found the very idea of working on the podcast exhausts me just thinking about it… which makes me not want to do it… which of course delays it.
Even the most recent solo episode. I kept thinking about it, and then finally, late, I carved out the time to do it.
Carving the time has to coincide with opportunity, as well. I’m very rarely alone in the house, and when I’m not, it’s very difficult to get uninterrupted, undisturbed time to do something like stand in front of a microphone for 45 minutes or so.
I keep putting off doing the work required to publish a new episode of Sonitotum.
And here’s the other thing about allocating that time, finding that time, allocating that time, sacrificing other things for that time:
I like having the podcast as a venue through which to speak to you.
I’ve realized it is not the best use of my time, or even very healthy for me.
Maintaining the commitment to put out an episode of Sonitotum every two weeks, especially considering every other episode is a highly labor-intensive interview episode, is literally more work than it’s worth.
The show has less than four dozen subscribers. Closer to three dozen subscribers.
That’s a tiny, tiny audience.
I’m grateful for those rarefied few, especially the patron members of our Multiversalist community. I’m grateful for the people who are listening.
But, given all the things I want to do, all the things that have long-term and short-term value for me in terms of emotional gratification, creative gratification, and yes, financial gratification… the podcast does not register. It’s not a blip on that particular radar.
It’s been a challenge to face the reality it’s not worth the commitment.
I love the thirty-odd subscribers and other listeners, but my sense of obligation is it is misaligned with the value of the show.
Editing, producing, and managing podcasts is one of services I offer. It’s hard for me to not think I should be drinking the Kool-Aid I make.
Finally, October 15th, 2024 is the 20th anniversary of my very first podcast episode. Shouldn’t I have a consistent podcast to celebrate when that date comes around?
Most of this year I’ve been brainstorming how I might observe that anniversary.
But as the months passed, and common sense and reality became more evident and spoke louder than my sense of obligation… I realized I really don’t care about the anniversary.
Sure, it’s a feather in my cap. It’s certainly given me cause to reflect.
Observing the anniversary as something that’s actually important or that matters now, beyond the creative and professional bragging rights?
It is not worth the time that it would take from other creative endeavors I feel much stronger about.
The Podcasting Solution
Things that are, at least for now, out of my control, are not going anywhere or changing any time soon. I’m in a maintain ground, not gain ground, state.
So, I need to make changes and adjustments to reflect what my life is like now, and to honor what I want to do with my life and what I want my life to mean over the next 30 years.
I don’t want the burden of misaligned obligation, or to feel guilty when I don’t meet that obligation, I currently associate with Sonitotum with Matthew Wayne Selznick.
That said, it doesn’t mean I’m no longer doing Sonitotum.
What it does mean is I can’t, and I won’t, commit to a particular schedule or promise anything having to do with Sonitotum.
This is a hard decision, but I am making it for the good of my own creative, and mental, and emotional, and physical health.
It’s been a few days since I recorded that decision, in episode 106. At the time, I felt my chest tighten and my stomach go sideways… a time-and-distance-separated version of codependence I have with my listeners and patron members.
Doing What Matters
My obligations are to myself, and they include staying healthy and sane, which, in turn, includes making things that truly make me happy, which means taking the ideas and the stories inside of me and getting them out of me before I die.
That’s my responsibility, and not just to myself.
I believe every writer has a responsibility to get our stories out there so that they add value to the culture.
They don’t mean anything if they’re not available to experience. There’s no opportunity for them to change lives in some small way or some large way if they don’t get written and published.
I’m not writing and publishing often enough or fast enough.
All I want to do is communicate with you in the way that is the most fulfilling and the most appropriate at the time.
Maybe it’s a story, or an article. Maybe it’s a video, a podcast episode; maybe it’s a streaming experience.
Nothing is stopping me from doing any of those things.
The trouble comes when I feel as if I must do one of those things.
One Thing That Still Nags at Me
One thing that still troubles me is how my Multiversalist member patrons will take this decision.
Patron members pledge at $5.00 per month, or more, to support my creative endeavors and be part of the Multiversalists community of readers, creators, friends, and fans.
They pay that pledge, in part, to receive uncut, unedited editions of this podcast.
That’s not going to happen as often, so I accept that some of them might go away.
As for future patrons, there’s one less reason for new people to pledge.
I wonder if I’m shooting myself in the foot.
Then I remember so long as I make good use of the mental, physical, emotional, and creative energy, and time and opportunity, that would have gone into making an episode of Sonitotum every two weeks… so long as I’m dedicated to something creative that eventually gets released into the world… well, patron members are still helping to support the same mission.
The Effort / Resources / Results Algorithm
There’s only so much time, and there’s only so much energy, and so long as we live in a capitalist society with no universal basic income and healthcare that is maybe less expensive than it once was for some of us, but still not free, and all of the obligations of the real world pull at us, we have to change the things we can in order to do the things we must.
One of the things I must do is make things.
I believe we’re doing ourselves, and others, a disservice if we put disproportional energy into creative efforts that will have less impact and effect than others.
I put way too much time into the Sonitotum with Matthew Wayne Selznick podcast relative to the value it has to the world and the value it has for me.
I recommend we all, periodically, rerun that personal life algorithm.
Make sure your output still matches what you truly want.
Make sure what you’re doing and where you’re putting your energy, serves who you want to be, not who you were, or who you think you’re supposed to be.
I Have Questions… and Suggestions
What are you doing because you think you’re supposed to, or out of some sense of obligation?
What are the things in your life that don’t serve you anymore, that aren’t serving anyone, relative to the effort you’re investing?
Now: weigh that against the things you’re not giving as much time, energy, and opportunity that would serve you more, whether emotionally or physically or mentally or financially or, ideally, all of the above.
Where are your priorities?
Are they appropriate for now?
These are the questions I’ve been asking myself.
I’d love to hear about your own process of assessment.
When was the last time you took a good, hard look at whether you’re doing things because you think you should and not because it’s good for you?
Maybe you’re going through that now.
What do you think about all this? Please scroll down and leave a comment, with my thanks.
Meanwhile…
If you’re subscribed to Sonitotum with Matthew Wayne Selznick, I recommend you stay. Or, if you’re not, I recommend you do. You can find the show anywhere you get your podcasts.
I can’t say when the next episode will be, but there will be another episode, and another one after that, and another one after that.
As always, the goal will be to share my experiences in my creative life with the aim of providing value to you, so that my experiences, my handwringing(!), might inform you, and educate you, and help you in your own creative endeavors.
That’s not going to change.
Thanks to the Patron Members of the Multiversalists Community
Thank you to Zoe Kohen-Ley, thank you to J.C. Hutchins, thank you to Jim Lewinson, thank you Amelia Bowen, thank you Ted Leonhardt, and thank you to Charles Eugene Anderson.
This episode has extra content only available for patron members of the Multiversalists community! If you're a patron member at the Bronze level or above, please log in! Click here to learn more about the benefits of membership.
Postscript: I was listening to episode 160 of the Write Now podcast, and it really kind of put me over the edge to committing to this decision. In it, host Sarah Werner describes how she was supposed to have a regular podcast schedule, and that she had done like one episode in all of 2024.
It caused her to assess why that is. A lot of it was so in sync with what I’ve been thinking about and dealing with, so I want to thank Sarah for being vulnerable and transparent about her decision. It certainly made me feel a little less alone and a little less insecure in the validity of my own decision.
This content is by Matthew Wayne Selznick and came from his website.
