Listen up, my shrewd and cunning listeners! We’ve called you here today because we’re planning a big job and we need your particular set of skills. That’s right, we’ve got a major score lined up: a brand new series called “This Looks Like a Good Place for a Stickup”, a series about heist movies and nothing but heist movies! Movies with cunning plans and brilliant operators where nothing can go wrong . . . can it? Our first target is a movie starring Sir Alec Guinness (if you search your memories, you may remember that he was in a couple of little, forgotten science fiction movies in the 70’s and 80’s. Pretty obscure; you probably haven’t heard of them) as Henry “Dutch” Holland, a man with a plan to steal a million pounds worth of gold from a British bank. Now, we need some very specialized operatives for this. Who among you is a qualified pastry chef? Great, you’re in. Now, we need an expert in low-impact glass blowing. Perfect, you’re in! We also need someone who knows everything there is to know about 16th Century Latvian folktales. Beautiful, you’re in! And of course, and this is essential, we need someone who knows how to easily dispose of the body of an unwanted pony. Good, good . . . this is going to go off without a hitch. Lend an ear and see if it does!

Poll question: who is your favorite cinematic criminal? Leave a comment or skulk over to our hotline at 617-398-7266 and leave a fiendish voicemail.

Heheheheheh! So you see we have come to the end of our series “Cuz I Wanna (and You’re Gonna Like It)”! But you may think you have won because we are now at the end but you must listen to me now and hear what I say because your kung fu is not strong enough to make it to the end of this series! No, it isn’t! Hahahahahaha, that is very amusing to me! You may think of kung fu movies as being like the works of the Shaw Brothers but their kung fu is weak and not strong but ours is stronger! Hahahaha! You better pay attention! Yeah! Listen to my inexplicable Australian accent as I explain your inevitable defeat! I say again, your kung fu is weak! The kung fu of Stephen Chow is much stronger! Hah! You know that the truth is inevitable and is your destiny! Or perhaps the destiny of your Master! Heh heh heh, your kung fu is so weak that you cannot possibly understand my brilliantly translated words ohhh? The Max and Mike School will conquer you! You are foolish to think that is not so! Hahaha! Come, listen to the strength of our words and see if you can face “Kung Fu Hustle” with the very best of us! Hahahaha, the idea makes me laugh very much! Ha!

Poll question: what is the best example of a cinematic mix of violence and comedy, and should they mix at all? Leave us a comment or call our pratfall hotline and leave a brutally hilarious voicemail at 617-398-7266

Cats. What do we know about them? We know that naming them is a difficult matter. We know that they are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose. We know that T.S. Eliot was fond of them and Andrew Lloyd Weber found a way to turn that fondness into obsession (and the movie turned them into a nightmare). We know that a cat is an angel that poops in a box. But now, thanks to this week’s entry in our series “Cuz I Wanna (and You’re Gonna Like It)”, we know that they don’t dance. Ever. . . or do they? Spoiler alert: in this film they do, in a manner suspiciously reminiscent of Gene Kelly. Yes, enjoy the wacky hi-jinks as the cats Danny and Sawyer hoof (or claw) their way into your hearts. We learn that elephants can play the piano and penguins can tap-dance (without being voiced by Elijah Wood, even!). Is this lesser-known, somewhat . . . less than successful Warner Brothers animated movie a hidden gem? An unsung classic? A dull surprise? Give a listen and *hack* *hork* *hack* . . . sorry, hairball . . . and find out!

Poll question: who is your favorite cartoon animal?

Ok, most cunning and perceptive listeners, Max and Mike desperately need your help this week. Yes, through exhaustive research (following YouTube threads) and careful observation (watching Nicholas Cage movies), we’ve uncovered an ancient conspiracy involving the fate of the Necco wafer factory! Necco wafers: essential both as dry, chalky candy treats and makeshift poker chips. Yes, wake up, sheeple! You’ve been lied to! This is big, folks; it involves the Illuminati, the Rosicrucians, the Knights of Pythias, the Order of Free Gardeners, and That Weird Guy Bob Who Hangs Out Down By the Stop and Shop. Oh, this is a big one, folks, way bigger than the trivial nonsense in this week’s movie about a secret being printed on the back of the Declaration of Independence and Nick Cage trying to steal it! Pah! We’re finally going to reveal why Necco wafers were crushed back in 2003, vanishing from the earth . . . excuse me? Hah? Oh. They just moved the factory to Revere, Massachusetts? And they’re still making Necco wafers? Ok . . . well, this is awkward. Ummm . . . hey, have you noticed that “Necco” is an anagram for “Ocean” . . . if you turn one of the c’s into an a . . .? Hoo boy . . . well, uh, maybe just give a listen to our talk about a slightly less absurd conspiracy theory movie which raises the question: do you buy Jon Voight as Nick Cage’s father?

Poll question: What’s your favorite “treasure hunt” movie?

All right, maggots! Listen up and listen good! Your mamas are not hear to take care of you now! You are in Max, Mike; Movies, here at Camp “Cuz I Wanna (and You’re Gonna Like It)” and the only way out is over a heap of dead-and-watched movies! We are your Drill Podcasters and we are here to make sure that you make it through this week’s movie, one “1941,” directed by General Steven Spielberg, alive and with most of your sense of humor intact. You WILL watch this movie. You WILL NOT look away. You WILL recognize alums from “Saturday Night Live,” “Second City TV,” and “Animal House” in this movie! You WILL present your ribs for tickling and your knees for slapping! You WILL NOT wonder if the week after the attack on Pearl Harbor is an appropriate subject for comedy! No point in waiting for anyone to wipe your bottoms, you trash pandas! Join us aaaaaaand . . . WAIT FOR IT!!!! give a listen!

Poll question: what’s your favorite Steven Spielberg movie and why? Leave a comment or contact our hotline at 617-398-7266 and leave us a voicemail.

(sung to the tune of “Beach Baby” by The Beach Boys)

Do you remember back in old Aruk?

When the priest Rip Torn started running amok.

What happened to the king’s unborn son?

A witch stuffed him in a cow and away she run!

Beastmaster, Beastmaster, find you some pants

And go questing with tigers and ferrets.

Also a bird, with no name that I heard, and some bat folks.

Beastmaster, Beastmaster, twirlin’ your sword,

Gonna make out with sweet Tanya Roberts.

You’ve got John Amos and no one else famous to help you.

Yes, we’re rockin’ through the hits in this, our extended series “Cuz I Wanna (And You’re Gonna Like It!)! This week we’ve got a real . . . classic? With 1982’s “Beastmaster,” which brings us a largely unclothed and finely burnished Marc Singer, an underused Rip Torn, and some very badly dyed animals, some of which get names while others toil in obscurity. Join us for this legendary cheese-fest which spawned sequels and a tv series, which we’re SURE you all remember. Keep a close watch on your ferrets and give a listen!

Poll question: what is your favorite fantasy movie and why? Leave a comment or use our mystical hotline and leave a voicemail at 617-398-7266.

Welcome all you punks and punkettes, to this week’s entry in “Cuz I Wanna (and You’re Gonna Like It)”! This week, we are both rocking and/or rolling! Yes! We will rock out with our socks out! Anarchy within reasonable limits! Oo! We’re discussing perhaps the greatest movie ever to star both The Ramones and Clint Howard! Woo! Down with the establishment! We’re somewhat miffed at multiple authority figures! Hey, Mike! Watch me punk out! I’m going to set this glass on the table . . . WITHOUT a coaster! I’m out of control! You can’t stop me; don’t even try! Gamble Grimble Hey! Woo again! See, I’m making sure that this picture is hanging CROOKED! Oh god, I’ve become more animal than man! C’mon, let’s slam-dance! Yes . . . OW! Ow, ow, ow, my shoulder, ow, ow my hip! Ow ow OH NO! I’ve overturned the potpourri dish! Oh lord, all societal norms are collapsing! I’m feeling the urge to use harsh language to politely criticize the architects our current political structure! It’s too late for me! Run! Listen to our episode and save yourselves! Punk rock for a reasonable length of time!

Poll question: what band or musician who hasn’t made a movie would you like to see in a non-concert movie?

Howdy, I say, howdy, y’all! What’s all this here nonsense with all y’all goin’ gaga for this chicken-come-lately Benoit Blanc? Why, he’s, I say, he’s just poachin’ my act! Everyone knows that Foghorn Leghorn is the original Southern-Friend flat-claw. Blanc? Why, that boy’s about as sharp as a bowling ball! He’s so dumb, he thinks a pigpen is somethin’ to write with! Why, I say, why are these here fellas, Max and Mike, goin’ on about this fella in their “Cuz I Wanna (and You’re Gonna Like It”) series? I say, they’re as mixed up as a feather in a whirlwind! I ask you! These boys got more nerve than a bum tooth! Where, I say, where’s my movie?! I could solve anything that over-dressed, I say over-dressed hayseed could! So, you all give a listen, I say, give a listen and let these two dumb clucks know how you feel about this rampant injustice against my avian person. Nice boys but about as sharp as a sack full of wet mice.

Poll question: who is your favorite made-for-film detective? Leave a comment or call our hot tip hotline at 617-398-7266 and leave a voicemail!

Hah hah! Stand back, musketeers! They shall sample MY blade! En garde! Touché! Café au lait! Yes, we have a swashbuckling classic this week in our “Cuz I Wanna (and You’re Gonna Like It)” series, “The Scarlet Pimpernel”! And what a swashbuckler this is! Sword fights! Daring midnight chases! Desperate fist-fights . . . pardon? Oh. There’s NONE of that here? No musketeers? No “my blade”? Just disguises, cunning plans and . . . fashion tips? Really? . . . . huh. Well . . . this IS a famous swashbuckler movie, right? With Leslie Howard and Merle Oberon? Well . . . sink me! What sort of action movie is this? Hah? One of the antecedents for Batman? Seriously? Well, let’s talk about it then! Tie your cravats properly and give a listen!

Poll question: who is your favorite swashbuckler? Leave a comment or swing on a chandelier over to our hotline at 617-398-7266.

Duuuude! Welcome to, like, our series . . . ummmm, wait, I know this . . . “Cuz I Wanna (and You’re Gonna Like It!)” here at Max . . . Mike . . . something something . . . Sorry, dudes, I’m totally wacked out on this new Andromeda Strain kush. It’s like totally out of this world or something, right? I mean, it feels like my blood is turning to powder right inside me! So far out! Ok, yeah, it’s dissolving my vinyl couch but whatever, man, a couch is just a THING, right? I do NOT get why all these narcs in jumpsuits are freaking out about it, dude. I mean, they’re totally trying to bogart my stash and give it monkeys or something. Wait, did I already say that? Whatever, dudes, just get lifted on our totally mellow podcast today. So enjoy some Strain, or maybe some Squeeze and check us out. Peace!

Poll question: What is the most accurate-feeling s-f movie you’ve seen? Leave a comment or call our futuristic hotline at 617-398-7266.