January 04, 2021

May Christians With Same-Sex Attraction Have Non-Sexual Romantic Relationships?

9 minutes

Pastor J.D. talks about why the definitions of friendship and marriage are vital to understanding the Bible’s intent for relationships.

A glimpse inside this episode:

I’ve heard more and more people propose some sort of committed, same-sex, non-sexual romantic friendships for those who want to uphold the Christian sexual ethic.

This, they say, avoids the supposed loneliness of singleness while upholding biblical standards of sexual behavior.

Sam Allberry has written on this question and is, I think, very helpful on the topic. He writes:

Friendship is different than marriage

Marriage and friendship are not just two versions of the same type of love; they’re very different. Friendship is not just a less-intense version of marriage. So, you can’t just take the sex out of a romantic relationship and call it a friendship.

Marriage by definition and necessity must be exclusive. It is covenantal. If it isn’t exclusive, its very essence is violated. This isn’t the case with friendship. Friendship doesn’t require exclusivity. My friendship with even my closest friend isn’t threatened by the growth of a similar friendship with someone else.

Friendship isn’t exclusive

Friendship often flourishes precisely because it isn’t meant to be exclusive. So when we try to turn it into something exclusive, which is certainly the case when we conceive of it in romantic terms, we’re actually turning from friendship to something else. It becomes quasi-marital.

C. S. Lewis wrote:

In each of my friends there is something that only some other friend can fully bring out. By myself I am not large enough to call the whole man into activity; I want other lights than my own to show all his facets . . . . Hence true friendship is the least jealous of loves. (The Four Loves)

That it might be non-sexual is beside the point: The moment it becomes romantic, we’re confusing two different categories of relationship, attempting to pursue friendship in a framework designed ultimately for something covenantal. The result (marriage without benefits?) becomes an unstable compound—something that will struggle to remain non-physical, or else won’t remain romantic and exclusive. Something will likely give.

But we can’t think that keeping things firmly in the category of friendship relegates the same-sex-attracted people to a life without intimacy. Scripture shows us that such friendships don’t need exclusivity or improper physicality in order to become genuine and deep. Jesus testifies to this in how he describes his disciples as his friends (John 15:15): They know what is really going on in his heart. That’s real, deep, meaningful friendship.

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By J.D. Greear

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