Me and We

It's not always time to do "the work."

In their last episode of the podcast, Bonnie and Mallika explore some of the ways they get off the suffering ride, WITHOUT doing a ton of emotional work. 

What we really want is to feel happier, more satisfied and have more fun! 

This framework helps to build the skills to get you more of that in your life. And, once you've integrated these, you don't need to spend so much energy or time working them; the self-organization that comes from this work make fun and satisfaction for accessable more often and more easily. 

Tune in to this last episode to hear the update about what next. 

Bonnie's book is available in paperback!
"Me And We: Finding Your Voice and Influencing Relational Interactions"

Find out more about our work:
Bonnie's Website: bonniemacbride.com
Mallika's Website: rootedrelationships.com

Thank you to Jessica Carson Chen for the use of her music.
Listen On Spotify

Thank you to Positron Productions for producing and editing the content. 

Navigating Political Climate and Emotional Challenges
Mallika and Bonnie discussed the challenges of navigating the current political climate in the United States. They explored how to manage emotions and make choices that lead to less suffering and more influence. Mallika shared her experiences with a family email chain, where she felt disconnected and struggled with the desire to participate in discussions about political issues. She expressed a desire for a deeper layer of conversation, focusing on curiosity and understanding. Bonnie guided Mallika through the process of observing the system without judgment, acknowledging emotions while maintaining a neutral stance. They also touched on the importance of separating values from actions and the potential for feeling disconnected from others in the political climate.

Finding Balance and Expression in Context
Bonnie and Mallika discussed the importance of finding balance and expression in different contexts. They talked about the need to acknowledge and accept similarities, rather than constantly focusing on differences. The conversation centered around the idea of finding the right balance between expressing oneself and avoiding escalation or compliance.

Navigating Political Outrage and Anxiety
Mallika and Bonnie acknowledged that people often get caught up in outrage and lose sight of their own enjoyment, leading to a desire to change the context or the people in power. When people feel their preferred party is in power, there is still a lot of outrage directed at other citizens who don't agree with them. How can we handle this widespread outrage and anxiety?

Compartmentalizing and choosing the level of context one wants to work with in a particular moment is one way to manage our emotional suffering. Mallika asked for strategies to break the compulsion to be in an outrage state, and Bonnie suggested using tools like comparing current context to past ones, and finding relief in moments of relief.

Self-Awareness and Activism Challenges
Bonnie and Mallika discussed the importance of self-awareness and tracking one's own thought processes. They emphasized the need to check in and assess one's own experiences, rather than just reacting to situations. They also touched on the challenges of being an activist and the need to recognize the power of others who may not be as committed to taking action. The conversation ended with a reflection on the potential influence one can have on others by recognizing and addressing their own limitations.

Managing Emotions and Reactions Effectively
In the end, Bonnie and Mallika explored the idea of rehearsing different responses to an email thread, acknowledging the potential for retaliation and the importance of pacing oneself. Could one redirect the conversation to a more positive direction, while being prepared for potential backlash? 

How are you working with your own experiences, to get out of suffering, regarding the current political climate?

Send us your questions, or just your own story! We'd love to share it on the podcast in a future episode.

email [email protected]

Bonnie's book is available in paperback!
"Me And We: Finding Your Voice and Influencing Relational Interactions"

Find out more about our work:
Bonnie's Website: bonniemacbride.com
Mallika's Website: rootedrelationships.com

Thank you to Jessica Carson Chen for the use of her music.
Listen On Spotify

Thank you to Positron Productions for producing and editing the content. 

This episode marks part 1 of the culmination of "Season One" as we reflect on the heart of personal growth work, reviewing the building blocks and discussing upcoming shifts. Join us as we explore two guiding stances—the heart and the warrior—and discover how these frameworks can inspire resilience and deeper connections in your everyday life.

Episode Highlights

• Defining the Heart Stance  
  • The heart as a place of openness, receptivity, and gratitude 💖  
  • Actively orienting to give and receive gifts in relationships  
  • Navigating life's barriers to sustaining openness  
• Exploring the Warrior Stance  
  • The warrior as a protector, using its shield for boundaries and sword to redirect energy ⚔️  
  • Key attributes of the warrior stance: Relentlessness, Righteousness, and Ruthlessness  
  • Balancing strength with heart to approach challenges skillfully  
• Integrating Both Stances  
  • Learning how to toggle between heart and warrior modes in life’s challenges  
  • Moving toward their unity for a more whole, balanced self  
• Building Blocks for Growth  
  • Review of foundational blocks, such as Seeing Systems, Perfect The Way We Are, Accessing Emotions, and Embracing Trauma 🌳  
  • How the heart and warrior stances connect with these building blocks to foster greater resilience  
• Personal Reflections and Stories  
  • Bonnie and Mallika share real-life moments of practicing heart and warrior skills in relationships, parenting, and even funny moments (like being mad at the wind!)  

Takeaways for Listeners  

• Learn how to cultivate an open heart without losing strength and boundaries. 
• Gain tools to approach personal challenges and deepen emotional intelligence.  
• Discover the importance of integrating both heart and warrior energies in relationships.  

Call to Action  

Inspired to explore these practices in your own life? Share your thoughts with us in in an email or a review of the show!  

Bonnie's book is available in paperback!
"Me And We: Finding Your Voice and Influencing Relational Interactions"

Find out more about our work:
Bonnie's Website: bonniemacbride.com
Mallika's Website: rootedrelationships.com

Thank you to Jessica Carson Chen for the use of her music.
Listen On Spotify

Thank you to Positron Productions for producing and editing the content. 

In Part 2 of their discussion on the 9 Building Blocks, Mallika and Bonnie dive into Blocks 5-9, exploring key skills for personal and relational growth.

Topics Discussed:

• Building Block 5: Energy – Mallika and Bonnie explore the importance of recognizing different energy states in relationships and how using the "Me & We" skills can help improve mutual understanding and acceptance, especially when partners are in different energy states.
• Willing, Wanting, and Committing – They dive into the concept of willing, wanting, and committing as different levels of energy and action, and how this understanding helped Mallika shift her approach during a challenging moment with her husband, leading to a more aligned and less stressful response.
• Building Block 6: Shame – Bonnie and Mallika discuss the various defenses we use to protect against shame and the impact of conflation errors (as discussed in Episode #20). They emphasize the importance of recognizing these errors to navigate shame more effectively in personal and relational interactions.
• Building Block 7: Receiving a Protest – They explore how understanding the first six building blocks is essential for receiving protests in relationships. The ability to handle protests effectively is key to deepening interpersonal work and strengthening bonds.
• Building Block 8: Independent Self – Mallika highlights the importance of the "3 C’s" (Compassion, Claiming, Curiosity) for developing an independent self that can self-organize. They discuss the value of emotional intelligence, taking space to regroup, and using the React-Remove-Regroup-Rehearse-Redo (Repair) cycle for healing and repair in relationships.
• Building Block 9: Claiming Truth – Mallika and Bonnie dive into the concept of claiming truth and self-authority, especially for "Truth Seekers." They emphasize the importance of warrior energy and heart in personal growth, and the need to assess resources, energy, and needs accurately. They also discuss the power of holding people accountable to their values for transformative change.

This episode emphasizes the importance of pausing to explore dilemmas, cultivating emotional intelligence, and recognizing progress, effort, and impact in relationships.

Bonnie's book is available in paperback!
"Me And We: Finding Your Voice and Influencing Relational Interactions"

Find out more about our work:
Bonnie's Website: bonniemacbride.com
Mallika's Website: rootedrelationships.com

Thank you to Jessica Carson Chen for the use of her music.
Listen On Spotify

Thank you to Positron Productions for producing and editing the content. 

Skill Application with "A Complete Unknown" 

Episode Summary:

Join us as we explore the fascinating dynamics and nuanced relationships portrayed in the Bob Dylan biopic. Using the "me" and "we" framework, we examine Dylan's orientation to his independent self and how it shaped his interactions with others throughout the film. From his creative brilliance to the tensions with Sylvie and with Joan, we explore how the character of Dylan navigated connections while following his inner compass.

We also explore pivotal moments, such as Joan’s attempt at a collaborative approach during a concert and how Seeger’s wife helped diffuse a climactic conflict. This discussion also speculates on alternative ways characters could have approached Dylan using experimental tools like "willing, wanting, committing" or "boxing into our dilemma" to foster more productive dialogues, or at least to have a little more satisfaction in the moment.

Key Points Discussed:

1. "Me" vs. "We" Framework  

   Dylan’s interactions often demonstrate a "me-focused" approach, prioritizing his creative needs over relational dynamics. Not that it's wrong! While he formed meaningful bonds (e.g., with Woody), many other relationships were influenced by his self-driven nature.

1. Dylan’s Independent Self  

   Dylan’s strength lay in his unwavering commitment to his artistic vision, even when it clashed with external expectations and relationships. He confidently carved his path, climatically exemplified in the movie by his transition to electric guitar at the 1965 folk festival.

1. Joan’s Strategy – Collaboration & Growth  

   Joan’s character adapted over time, finding ways to compete with Dylan while standing her ground. Her ability to respect Dylan’s artistry yet advocate for her own approach is a testament to navigating relationships with strong-willed individuals.

1. Seeger and Alternate Approaches  

   We reflect on how Seeger might have bridged the gap with Dylan by "boxing him into a dilemma" or experimenting with collaborative goals instead of pushing his own agenda.

1. Relational Influence at Climactic Moments  

   A critical scene depicting Seeger’s wife intervening during an intense moment highlights the significance of grounding actions in values and mutual respect, fostering clarity amidst conflict. And demonstrates how a developed system of a dyad can be easier to work in that the larger systems we want to influence.

Why This Episode is a Must-Listen:

• Gain insights into the "me" and "we" relationship framework.  
• Learn what makes Dylan’s artistic brilliance so compelling—and challenging to connect with.  
• Explore the importance of experimenting with relational dynamics when collaborating with visionary individuals.  
• Reflect on how values and accountability can transform interpersonal and systemic tensions.

Listen now to uncover Dylan’s layered world and how his singular focus influenced those around him.

Bonnie's book is available in paperback!
"Me And We: Finding Your Voice and Influencing Relational Interactions"

Find out more about our work:
Bonnie's Website: bonniemacbride.com
Mallika's Website: rootedrelationships.com

Thank you to Jessica Carson Chen for the use of her music.
Listen On Spotify

Thank you to Positron Productions for producing and editing the content. 

Bonnie and Mallika explore understanding these two skills through definitions and real-life applications.

EPIM = Effort, Progress, Impact, Merit

REN = Resources, Energy, Needs

We can use these skills as part of our data gathering as we are doing this work. We can use these frames on ourselves, but also in witnessing our partner or others who are doing their work, or who have been putting in effort and making progress. 

Effort - this work takes effort! 

Progress - see our progress, so we get some satisfaction (cause it doesn't come overnight)

Impact - observing the impact of our effort and progress, on  ourselves and especially on other people (rewarding because we want to make a difference)

Merit - the impact that can shift/influence a context means . . . we've gotten go at something; claiming that we have some merit. We have developed more of a resource/skill/strength in ourselves, that is available to use again and again. 

We also explore in this episode the frames of Resources, Energy and Needs.

This skill helps us work with the system and use the what is available in that given context. 

Resources - we each have areas of strength, capacity and skills that we build. We are born with some and develop some. 

Energy - what do we have energy for? where does our energy move towards? How does our energy compare to other's?

Needs - our needs are unique to each of us, moment to moment, but also, some of us have more needs than others. 

Bonnie's book is available in paperback!
"Me And We: Finding Your Voice and Influencing Relational Interactions"

Find out more about our work:
Bonnie's Website: bonniemacbride.com
Mallika's Website: rootedrelationships.com

Thank you to Jessica Carson Chen for the use of her music.
Listen On Spotify

Thank you to Positron Productions for producing and editing the content. 

Claiming something means we own it, even if it might not be true. The power in knowing "truth" helps us  assert to ourselves internally (and possible to other's). We can develop a trust in ourselves when we have the ability to "claim truth," even if we are not in a position of authority. With the goal of less suffering, and getting back on the horse, it can be so helpful to develop trust and confidence in oneself to see the truth.

With this step, we really shift off "right" and "wrong" dynamic, to looking and listening for truth and skills . . . COMPARING. Sorting and comparing parts of ourselves or looking at differences between us with others. Claiming helps us not collapse into shame, but hold that ability to see the differences as useful.

- who has what resources

- who sees things differently than we do (and holding it as wisdom) 

- who's stuff/distortion is showing up - is this my shame/defenses or yours?

Mallika shares about her own comparing in her marriage. How she used to compare and suffer around the differences. Mallika made a shift, to claiming and self-authority. Mallika shares how she uses comparing now, her husbands skills and her own different skills, to lead their "we" to use all the skills and truth everyone brings to the table.  

Bonnie shares the skills that she sees in her partner, and that she really may never catch up to his skill level in those areas. She claims a knowing within her marriage that allows her to experiment within that "we."  She sees how their resources are difference, where their energy is and what needs they have. 

Resources, Energy, Needs - When we pay attention to these key differences, we can compare and compete together. And we can see what we need to attend to? AKA seeing truth, claiming authority and getting common goals done. 

Mallika shares here that her husband is good at seeing who's stuff belongs to who. Comparing without out shame. He is good at seeing who's got resources and energy. And she has learned from him and grown in her own ability in this department. 

Bonnie points out how Mallika's husband might be tracking more of the independent self/needs and Mallika herself may be paying more attention to the dependent self/needs. Mallika may have more energy for listening for, and responding to, needs. 

How do we own where we are while also working towards living our values? 

How do we let go of the "right/wrong" and move towards seeing truth, claiming and look towards the future?

Bonnie's book is available in paperback!
"Me And We: Finding Your Voice and Influencing Relational Interactions"

Find out more about our work:
Bonnie's Website: bonniemacbride.com
Mallika's Website: rootedrelationships.com

Thank you to Jessica Carson Chen for the use of her music.
Listen On Spotify

Thank you to Positron Productions for producing and editing the content. 

We ARE going to get disorganized, we are going to get activated and "off the horse." 

The single most important place to reach for in our important relationships, and especially with intimate partnerships, is REPAIR.

On the podcast today, Bonnie and Mallika talk about a skill that's doable for everybody, no matter how interested you are in relational growth or healing. It's a skill that's all about action, and how to manage our reaction. 

The steps are: React, Remove, Regroup, Rehearse, Redo = Repair

And we explore the skill of "Redirect." Bonnie and Mallika talk about the ways that they didn't use to know how to use redirect full until they were only and had a more organized self that could wait/pause for the right time to repair. 

Opening The Gift

Are you able to see, receive and OPEN the gifts that are coming your way?

Mallika shares about her process of recognizing the gifts coming from her husband and from her mom. And then realizing that she wasn't really at choice to open the gifts, but does feel herself able to open them more often now. 

Bonnie actually receives a gift from Mallika live on the show. 

And sometimes we need to step through the shame wall to be able to receive those gifts. 

Bonnie shares about learning from her mom, who was Chinese, about pushing away complements and gifts, showing that we are socialized in some ways that don't serve us. 

Giving To Self

Learning to give to ourselves and receive from ourselves comes when we have, or are committed to developing, an independent self. 

At times, we wont be able to receive in a dependent way, from or with another. We really have to learn to do with for ourselves. 

We are far more powerful if we are in touch with our dependent selves. When we lead with tapping into our dependent selves, and the dependent self of the other, we can have a greater influence. 

Bonnie shares an example of her dependent self in relationship with her husband. 

Bonnie's book is available in paperback!
"Me And We: Finding Your Voice and Influencing Relational Interactions"

Find out more about our work:
Bonnie's Website: bonniemacbride.com
Mallika's Website: rootedrelationships.com

Thank you to Jessica Carson Chen for the use of her music.
Listen On Spotify

Thank you to Positron Productions for producing and editing the content. 

This episode, Bonnie and Mallika begin to look at the skills needed for building an Independent Self:

We can use the 3 Cs: Compassion (Empathy), Claiming, Curiosity

Putting on our warrior suit: Relentlessly coming back to things, Righteously fighting for integrity and our values, Ruthlessness as in not shying away because it's not ok for anyone to get hurt. 

Mallika brings up the prompt to explore the difference between a pseudo independency (that's more of a guard or defense) and the choice place that is  independent, holding onto ourselves. 

Giving = Receiving: When we have access to our dependent self, and image the dependent self of the other person, we can listen and receive more effectively. 

Holding on to self:  A Self that is able to hold our dependent self. Sometimes, to stay self-organizing, we drop the we, we get just in our me and be self-absorbed, self-focused, selfish, etc. Sometimes we drop the me, and then have to find our way back. 

Protests really give us an opportunity to develop our independent self. 

To come in BB 9 - Trust in self leads to self-authority and claiming truth!

React, Remove, Regroup, Rehearse, Redo = Repair or Redirect

Wake up! to receive and OPEN the gift that is coming our way.

Bonnie's book is available in paperback!
"Me And We: Finding Your Voice and Influencing Relational Interactions"

Find out more about our work:
Bonnie's Website: bonniemacbride.com
Mallika's Website: rootedrelationships.com

Thank you to Jessica Carson Chen for the use of her music.
Listen On Spotify

Thank you to Positron Productions for producing and editing the content. 

The heart of the creative process that allows us to grow is: receiving a protest

WE ALLLLLL are ready to 

- not like something

- complain

- need something 

AND want to say something about it. 

So, if we are able to receive a protest, we can build our confidence. And get out of the suffering that is so common in contexts with protests.  

Building blocks 8 and 9 will go into how we can organize ourselves as we get ready to receive protests. But first, we must commit to growing oneself, so we have a reason to be doing this work!

One of the goals we can have is simply "not the same old place." 

How can we find new ways to experiment with the places we go into suffering? We might not solve it or have no suffering, but when we are able to get out of a stuck place of suffering ("same old place"), then at least it's a little different/better.

Bonnie's book is available in paperback!
"Me And We: Finding Your Voice and Influencing Relational Interactions"

Find out more about our work:
Bonnie's Website: bonniemacbride.com
Mallika's Website: rootedrelationships.com

Thank you to Jessica Carson Chen for the use of her music.
Listen On Spotify

Thank you to Positron Productions for producing and editing the content.