I learnt so much interviewing Dr Shaun Delaney, a clinical psychologist, who works principally with men going through separation and divorce. The interview blends practical solutions, particularly the benefits of counselling, with deep emotional insights that are so helpful when someone is going through a separation. If you are a man looking to better understand your own experience of separation and divorce, look no further. If you are the ex-partner of a man, parent, friend or have any interest in understanding a man’s experience of separation and divorce, push play now. Just to let you know, this interview does not focus on the many tragic stories of male family violence that occur and can peak during separation, there are sadly too many of those stories readily available. It’s about a different type of journey entirely. Some of what Dr Delaney shared:

• The intention when researching and writing his DPsych was to help men and families going through separation and divorce.
• Discussed 2 types of arguments: Ones which lead to adaption, problem-solving and renegotiation as compared to arguments which keep a couple in high tension, perpetuate bad communication, distrust and drifting apart over time. Renegotiation is crucial to successful relationships and to really connect with someone you need to recognise and accept change. You cannot expect things to stay the same over time, to do so can be a precursor to separation.
• Discussed 3 main reasons for break-ups which can be broadly defined as negative behaviours, external behaviours and emotional reasons. Always a degree of ambivalence when separation – except, usually, in more serious situations.
• Discussed 3 main processes that people go through when separating – making the separation process less threatening; developing a new independent identity and devaluing the existing relationship.
• Overemphasising the negatives in a relationship and ignoring the positives makes it easier to justify the decision to separate as does devaluing your partner and the relationship. These processes serve to reduce feelings of guilt, shame or responsibility which allows someone to shift part of the responsibility of the separation to the other person. All this makes it easier to disconnect from commitment.

Shaun’s DPsych has 7 themes but we only had time to discuss 3 of them! One of Shaun’s themes was men’s adaption to separation which has 5 elements:

• emotional disentanglement,
• anger,
• psychological health,
• financial adaption,
• grief and loss.

We delved into men’s experience of grief and loss. We talked about nature of grief for men e.g. loss of close friend and confidant, loss of future plans and expectations; a lack of acknowledgement from others can create even more difficulties; men’s grief can make others uncomfortable. The expectations on how men are “supposed to” grieve is evolving but many men still withdraw and try to manage the experience on their own. We touched upon the frustration that many of the men in his study felt when engaging with the family law system. Shaun shared how he helps his client’s going through separation in his work as a psychologist in Melbourne - a really valuable framework. One of the practical suggestions he makes is to make sure you connect with all the things you love when going through this difficult time. And I should let you know that Shaun’s research featured heterosexual men but I hope to enlarge the focus of my podcast in future episodes. I’d love to hear from you at [email protected] if you know of any other podcasts that feature intelligent insights into men’s emotional experience of separation. If you would like to connect with Dr Shaun Delaney he can be contacted at the Moving Mindsets clinic in Melbourne, Australia or at [email protected]