“If you want to be a great parent, you need to be an amazing spouse”  ~Mike and Alicia Hernon Often romance is associated with shallow, fleeting feelings, but really, the romance that we share without spouses is a powerful example to our children of the exclusive intimate relationship that only spouses are to enjoy.   A kiss in the kitchen or an embrace in front of your children is not only to make them say, “Dad! Mom!  Ewww!” but it is to show them the way they are called to love.  It is this intimate exclusive love that is the foundation of the family, and the best place for children to grow is within the shadow of the love of their parents.  So it is essential that we continue to pursue our spouses and learn how to love them intimately.  This is a task that should take our whole lives!  And just to make it interesting (or difficult depending on your perspective!) men and women have different needs when it comes to intimacy and we need to be pursued in different ways.  

MFP 206: Why Romance is Essential

Parenting is not a clean-cut, simple process for those who like to follow the rules. Family life is messy and unpredictable, but it is the greatest adventure you will ever have. We are Mike and Alicia Hernon, parents of 10 children ranging from 10 to 27 and we would like to invite you into some of the conversations we have had with each other about marriage, parenting, and Catholic family life. Our hope is that our conversation sparks a dialogue between you and your spouse that leads to greater unity and intentional Christian parenting in your home. Listen in to our podcast and start the conversation as we seek to lead our families to heaven. 

Visit us at https:///www/MessyFamilyProject.org for resources, guides, links and show notes.

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Summary In this next part of our series on tech, we talk about the specific challenges that tech use brings to boys and girls.  Just as men and women have different gifts, they also deal with different temptations in their tech use.  Because of this, parents must be proactive in teaching boundaries to their children so they can use tech with freedom when they leave your house and enter the world of adulthood. During this conversation, we give you some principles that you will need to discuss with your spouse to make a tech policy of your own. Every family must have some boundaries, because if you don’t define them, then the reality is that Big Tech will be calling the shots in your house. Their goal is to control your kids and they have the means to do it.     Key Takeaways   Because of the genius of men to create and subdue the world they are more tempted to be addicted to video games.  Because of women’s gift of relationships they are more tempted to be absorbed in social media.     Parents must know the symptoms of addiction and immediately respond if they believe their child has an addiction.  Their child’s future success in life depends on it.    The best filter is a well-formed child who knows how to respond to toxic online content.    You must teach and model healthy tech use for your kids - nothing is private, have a healthy skepticism of any online content, and learn good manners.       Couple Discussion Questions   Are we aware of the symptoms of tech addiction?  Are any of our children in danger of this addiction?  If so, what are we going to do about it?    Do we have a written tech policy?  Plan a time to discuss with your spouse and create one.     What is our plan for social media use for our children?     Resources   The Messy Family Guide to Technology - https://messyfamilyproject.org/guide/screens-your-child/    

MPF 285: Tech Traps for Boys and Girls

The destructive effects of video games are not on boys' cognitive abilities or their reaction times, but on their motivation and their connectedness with the real world. ~Dr. Leonard Sax Technology can be a blessing or a curse. It can be used for great good and yet it can expose people to grave evil. Helping our children learn how to responsibly navigate the use of technology, especially social media, is one of the immense parenting challenges of our age.  In this podcast, we look at the unique challenges that technology presents to parents and why parents must meet this challenge head-on!  We talk about how to discern your tech use as a family and why just locking down every device is simply not enough.  Like most areas of parenting, we need to first train ourselves and then take the time to train our children.   KEY TAKEAWAYS:   Don’t be naive. Stay on top of what your kids are watching and what they are engaging with.  It is our responsibility to prepare and guide them.    Discern your tech use as a person and as a family. Walk them through the seven keys to empower them to make good choices because tech is a powerful gift of God and should be used for good.   Seven keys the church gives us to guide us in using technology    Does it communicate a balanced worldview?   How is the creator's attitude oriented towards the subject?   Does it dignify the human person?   Does it speak the Truth?   Is it inspirational?   Is it done with skill?    Is it motivated by experience?    Train your children to use it as they grow. Like driving a car, prepare them to use it as they mature and are old enough to use it wisely and virtuously     COUPLE DISCUSSION   In what ways have we been blessed by media and technolgy?  How has it helped us?    How can we discern our media use as a family?     If our goal is to form our children to become adults who can make good media choices, how and when can we give our children appropriate freedom?  What does that look like for our kids today?      Resources:  Infinite Bandwidth: Encountering Christ in the Media. By Dr. Eugene Gan https://www.afterbabel.com/p/algorithms-hijacked-my-generation  https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamapediatrics/article-abstract/2799042    https://www.mayoclinichealthsystem.org/hometown-health/speaking-of-health/are-video-games-and-screens-another-addiction    https://www.theatlantic.com/technology/archive/2024/03/teen-childhood-smartphone-use-mental-health-effects/677722/?gift=9xPqLPcwLfFbf_nnCRecvKJ-3gklcv6nZX-Hliug6W4&utm;_source=copy-link&utm;_medium=social&utm;_campaign=share   https://ifstudies.org/blog/is-your-son-addicted-to-video-games  

MFP 284: Is Your Child Addicted to Screens?

“We can only see our spouse clearly when we look at Jesus first.” - Dan Lawson   Summary In this podcast, we tackle some hard issues in marriage.  What makes couples believe that they need to get divorced?  Why is it essential for couples to have a vision for their individual lives and for their marriage?  What is the pattern in successful marriages that we can emulate?  We even talk about what to say to a person who tells you they are getting a divorce - a very difficult and sensitive topic, but one that we have to discuss.  Dan Lawson is a Catholic therapist who takes a solution-focused approach with his clients, as opposed to “problem-focused” approach.  This means that instead of looking only at what is going wrong in a relationship, he asks questions and guides clients to look at what is going right.  This hopeful approach helps spouses to encounter their own goodness which is where you need to start to create a pattern of mutual admiration, one of the hallmarks of a successful marriage.  Listen into this essential conversation!    Key Takeaways   Divorce is a sin against hope.  It says “I can’t change.  They can’t change.”     The goal of life is not the perfect marriage, the goal is holiness. We need to start first by looking at Jesus and pursuing holiness in our own lives.  Then our marriage can improve.    It is essential that each of us look first at what we are doing right in our marriages and in our lives.  When we can see and affirm that, then we can do more of that and “starve” out the negativity.   Every person needs to ask themselves the question, “Who do I want to be at the end of my life?”  We need to have a vision for our lives and live that way in our marriages.   Establishing a pattern of admiration and trust is key to building a life-long, life-giving marriage. Most spouses struggle to communicate their needs and their feelings.      Couple Discussion Questions   What is my vision for my life?  Who do I want to be at the end of my life?    How has my spouse loved me this year?  What are some of our greatest accomplishments together?   “The goal of life is not the perfect marriage, the goal is holiness”  What are my thoughts on this?    

MPF 283: Marriage, Divorce, and Hope

It’s easier to be patient after we come to realize how patient our Heavenly Father is with us.   Why is it so hard for parents to be patient with their children?  People who thought they were good and normal adults find themselves tearing their hair out over the things done by a child half their size and a fraction of their age!  One thing we tell parents over and over is that parenting is supposed to change you.  It is supposed to form you.  It is supposed to be challenging, so if you are struggling, that is OK!  But we do have some tips for you and some stories that we hope will help change your perspective on growing in this essential virtue for moms and dads.     Key Takeaways:   If you are impatient with your children you are normal!  Lean in and allow yourself to be changed as you grow in virtue   Children need adults to slow down and give them time to do things by themselves   Parenting takes alot of time!  Lessons need to be taught over and over.  There is no magic bullet.  Parenting is a marathon, not a sprint.   We can learn to be patient by first realizing how patient God is with us.  We are disobedient, messy kids but our Father teaches us the same lessons over and over     Couple Discussion:    How would you rate your patience on a scale of 1-10?  How would you rate your spouse?  Discuss this.     What lessons in your life has God had to teach you over and over?  How has God been patient with you?    Which one of your children do you find it most difficult to be patient with and why?  Which of your children to you find it easiest to be patient with?  How can you learn from this?    

MFP 282: These People are Driving Me Crazy! Growing in Patience

“I now am taking this kinswoman of mine, not because of lust, but with sincerity.  Grant that she and I may find mercy and that we may grow old together.” Tobit 8:7   Summary Physical intimacy between spouses is a topic that is difficult to talk about, but one that is absolutely essential in Catholic circles.  You see, Satan’s plan is for people to have as much sex as possible BEFORE they are married and as little sex as possible AFTER they are married!  These lies and confusion need to be addressed in a way that is respectful but also practical for married couples.  In this podcast, we welcome Ellen Holloway of Vines in Full Bloom, a ministry dedicated to helping women and couples experience a joyful, satisfying sexual relationship within marriage. We discuss sexual pleasure, the different ways that men and women handle stress, the relationship between sex and prayer, the difference between “anticipatory” and “escalatory” foreplay,  and what to do when your libido is completely gone.  There is a wealth of valuable information for husbands and wives to hear and then discuss with each other.  Listen in and join the conversation!    Key Takeaways   Part of foreplay is being aware of your spouse throughout the day and letting them know you are thinking of them.    Being joyful in marriage means you have a willingness to build intimacy through unity with your spouse.     If you have no desire for sex at all at the moment, ask yourself, “What AM I willing to do?”   No one should accept zero libido as a lifestyle. That is not normal.    There are many similarities between how we view prayer and how we view sexual relations with our spouse.  We should be continually learning in both.    Our Heavenly Father made sexual relations to be pleasurable because He loves us and wants us to be happy.  Sometimes we don’t accept how overly generous our Father is!      Couple Discussion Questions   Take 5-10 min daily for a week to discuss sex with each other.     How often do we discuss our sex life?  What is holding us back from having this conversation?    Do I believe sex is a sacred gift from God? Why or why not?       Resources Charting Toward Intimacy podcast www.vinesinfullbloom.com Physical Intimacy download from MFP website. https://messyfamilyproject.org/guide/physical-intimacy/

MFP 206: Why Romance is Essential

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