Messy Family Podcast : Catholic Conversations on Marriage and Family

“Guided and strengthened by God’s grace, husband and wife advance their own perfection… and contribute jointly to the glory of God” ~ Gaudium et Spes

You should never marry someone with the idea that you can change them, but we do need to help our spouses become the best version of themselves.  We all should have a vision, a belief that our spouse can be amazing and then work with them for their good.  In this podcast, we hear the inspiring story of Dan and Brenda - a couple from two different families, faith backgrounds, and life philosophies. Though they were different, they were able to learn from each other and build an incredible life together by the grace of God.  Through their story, we were able to draw out lessons that all of us can learn from.  

Show me your checkbook and your datebook and I will show you what you value

So much of what we talk about on this podcast really hits home when it comes to how we spend our time.  Family dinner, date nights, prayer time, even mass comes down to making time to do it.  Four things determine how we run our lives and our family - talent, money, energy and time. Every one has different amounts of energy and talent and money, but we all have the same amount of time!  How we use it is what matters.  In this podcast we discuss how to evaluate the activities in our home and what we need to prioritize.  This is a re-release of the podcast “Busyness” originally aired in the summer of 2017. 

• Where in our life are we too busy?  Where do we need to make time for what is really important? 

• Where do we need better routines in our home to bring peace?  

“Genuine humility never disturbs the soul.  Rather it is accompanied by peace, joy and calm” St. Theresa of Avila

What is the biggest problem in Catholic marriages?  Although we appreciate good communication tools, marriage insights, and mentors - at the end of the day the biggest problem is simply a lack of holiness.  One essential tool in our quest for holiness is learning how to ask for forgiveness.  When we have conflict in our home, we all need to ask ourselves the question - what could I have done differently?  When we take ownership in this way, we can repent to God and then ask forgiveness of our spouse or children in order to repair that relationship.  Often we will focus only on our sins and try to amend our lives, but in addition to those good things, we also need to seek to reconcile the relationship and ask for forgiveness.  

• When there is conflict in the home, we always need to ask ourselves how have I contributed to this situation and what could I have done differently? 

• Taking extreme ownership means that you don’t make excuses, but instead recognize that the past does not have power over you any more.  You always have a choice.

• When you are aware of your weakness, you are more open to asking for forgiveness and growing in holiness

• Asking forgiveness also repairs the rupture in the relationship that happens as a result of our actions.

• When you ask forgiveness and make your heart pure through Confession, then you are able to more clearly see God.  “The pure in heart shall see God” Matt 5:8

• A daily examen should include asking for forgiveness of family members we have sinned against.  

• Reflect on your marriage and children and ask God to show you areas in which you need to change.  Go to your spouse and children and ask their forgiveness. 

• When can we do a daily examen in our household?  How can we incorporate regular asking of forgiveness?

References:

Dealing with Failure podcast:  MPF 140 

Forgiveness MP 060 

Forgiveness and Transformation MFP 165

Romans 12

Matthew 18:21-35

Guide to Parenthood:  Forgiveness in the Family

In this special Q&A episode, we dive into some of the most heartfelt questions from our listeners. From the complex question of whether to expand the family to grappling with grief, boundaries in marriage, and integrating elderly parents into a household, these issues strike at the core of family life. We also tackle how to balance the call to evangelize in a world that often conflicts with our values—especially when raising children in today’s cultural climate. Join us as we explore these tough topics with compassion, real-life insights, and guidance for finding peace, strength, and unity in family life amidst life’s many challenges.

Couple Discussion Questions

• Expanding the Family: How do we each feel about the possibility of having more children, and what are our hopes or concerns? How can we respect and support each other’s feelings in this decision?

• Emotional Connection and Boundaries: Are there areas where we hold back in sharing our emotions? How can we create a safe space to be vulnerable and open with each other?

• Navigating Grief and Hard Times: How have we supported each other through past challenges, and what can we learn from those experiences to better support each other now?

• Integrating Family Generations: If we needed to bring an elderly family member into our home, what expectations and boundaries would help create harmony for everyone?

• Raising Kids with Faith in a Secular Culture: What are our biggest concerns about raising children in today’s world, and how do we feel called to engage with those who have different values while protecting our family’s faith?

“It’s important that we remember to talk ‘to’ our kids, not ‘at’ them” - Mark Hart

Parents are rightly concerned today about the influence of the culture on their teens.  As much as we would like to put our kids in a teflon bubble to shield them from the false fake culture of the world, it is just not possible!  What do our kids need from us to prepare them for life?  Join us in this podcast for a conversation with Mark Hart of Lifeteen - a speaker, author, and parent himself of teens and adult children.  Mark gives us some great insights (and laughs!) on how to talk to your kids, what they are REALLY looking for, and what not to be afraid of.   We were blessed in this conversation and we are thrilled to be able to share it with you! 

• Keeping teens in a “teflon” bubble and trying to shield them from the world their whole lives doesn’t work.  We need to teach them and get them ready.

• Kids need space to ask questions and have conversations with their parents without feeling judged.  Pushing back is a natural part of maturation. 

• Teens demand authenticity!  They challenge us to be real and that is good for us and for the Church. 

• Talk “to” your kids, not “at” them. 

• Significant conversations with our teens allow our lives to re-echo across the generations.  Take time for conversations.  

• For parents, the 20 minutes you spend focused on your child and not on yourself is as spiritually beneficial as a Holy Hour! 

• Parents should be less concerned with WHAT your child knows and more concerned about WHO is teaching them and where they are getting their information from

• God entrusted these souls to you for a season. They will not be living under your roof forever. 

• See your child as a whole person.  You need to spend time with them and really “see” them.  

• A successful home has three altars: the dinner table to share life and food, the coffee table to gather with family and friends for ideas and fun, and the marriage bed that forms the foundation of the family. 

• Parents often think of themselves as a hose that ideas and prayer comes through, but we need to be like a fountain - filled up so much in ourselves that we spill over onto our spouse, children, and everyone around us. 

• Do we take time to have significant conversations with our kids?  How can we do this more? 

• Looking at the maturity of our children, are we protecting them too  much?  Not enough? 

• How are we doing in using the “three altars” of our home?  Are all three of them places that are giving life to our family? 

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It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop than in a mansion with a quarrelsome wife.  Proverbs 25:24

All of us do things that annoy our spouse.  Occasionally, we do things that hurt our spouse and vice versa.  How do we communicate about these situations?  Is it effective to tell them what they have done wrong?  Is that what the scriptures tell us to do?  In this episode, we discuss what it means to take “extreme ownership” of our own actions and emotions before trying to “fix” your spouse.  We believe that the key to a strong marriage is finding how you can support each other on the road to heaven - and that means having the humility to see your own weaknesses first and embracing them.  Once you have sought forgiveness and healed the relationship, then a conversation about how things could have gone differently can be more productive.  Listen in to hear how you can move more intentionally towards unity through communication and forgiveness. 

• Couples need to take the principles of “gentle parenting” and apply them to each other!  Skills like expressing empathy, giving guidance, and articulating feelings are all needed in marriage. 

• When you correct someone, you put yourself above them. This is appropriate in a parent/child relationship, or even a boss/employee relationship, but really not in marriage where you have two equals.

• We can help our spouses to be self-reflective about situations by asking questions that can help them think about what they wanted the outcome to be and what actually happened. 

• What can I do better to help you in areas that you want to grow in?  

• Who is challenging me?  Who do I look to as an example, as a mentor to progress in holiness? 

• How can my spouse help me?

“You can learn many things from toddlers! For example, how much patience you actually have.” 

-Anonymous

One blessing of having ten kids is that we have matured and learned enough about kids to appreciate the toddler years of children #9 and 10 much more than those years with children #1 and 2. Our advice to parents of toddlers is to start by enjoying them! It’s hard to do when they are destroying your house and embarrassing you in public, but with a few strategies and consistency on your part, you can begin to see that this little bundle of creative energy has been amazingly designed by the Divine Creator. It’s all part of His plan to get this child to adulthood and independence, and to get you to heaven!

• All children need to be delighted in, but especially the young child!  Take time to relax and enjoy them.  

• Toddlers challenge us to begin saying “yes” to them and their needs and “no” to our own desires.  This is the great vocation of parenting! 

• Giving choices is good, but don’t burden them by giving them too many choices. 

• When they are having a tantrum, the question you should ask yourself is “what is the need here?”  and then choose to respond NOT react.  Through your calmness you are teaching them that you are in charge and they are not.

• Routine and stability are key!  When they have a natural flow to their day that is predictable they can tend to be more peaceful. 

• What are our natural responses to our toddlers?  What do we think about that? 

• What are our toddlers emotional outbursts like?  What triggers them?  How can we respond? 

• What is our normal routine for our children?   Is this working for them?  

• What do we do with our toddlers at mass?  Is this is a good plan?

Notes:

• The Absorbent Mind (Montessori book)
• Articles on toddlers from Focus on the Family (Christian website)

Welcome His Heart:  https://welcomehisheart.com/

MFP 165: Forgiveness Brings Freedom and Transformation

Videos - Evangelizing Your Kids and Forgiveness in the Family https://messyfamilyproject.org/course/pizza-and-parenting/watch/

• Parents must be very intentional about evangelizing their children and bringing them into a relationship with Christ.

• Marriage is a sacrament of service to the world.  Our marriages are not just for us, they are an office of service. 

• Every mother and father is to act as “priests of the home” and take up the spiritual authority God has given them for the sake of their children. 

• Forgiveness is key to restoring relationships that have been broken and can teach children powerful lessons on relationships. 

• In order to transform your family you will need to start with these three things - create habits to support your goals, make Jesus the king of your home, and build community to support your family. 

• How are we leading together in the home?  Have we taken up that call to spiritual leadership? 

• What is my understanding of forgiveness?  How can we live this out better within our home and our relationships? 

• How is our marriage serving others?  How are we giving from the well of our sacrament? 

• What are 2 resolutions that we can make today to start living a transformed family life?

“You and your spouse are a team that GOD wants together!” - Art and LaraineBennett

The first step in creating a dynamic family is to know the people who are in it!  That starts with knowing yourself, then your spouse, and then your children.  One of the tools that we love using for this knowledge is the classic four temperaments - choleric, sanguine, melancholic, and phlegmatic. The leading Catholic authors on the temperaments are Art and Laraine Bennett, authors of the book The Temperament God Gave You and many other great resources!  In this conversation we pepper them with questions about what the temperaments are, why knowing the temperaments are important, and how they can change your parenting. This podcast is FULL of great tips and resources of parents of any age.  Listen in!

• Temperaments are only ONE aspect of our personality.  Many things make each one of us unique. 

• Temperaments are part of the wisdom of the ancients, but they also have been extensively studied in modern psychology

• Your temperament is the way you REACT.  Knowing our temperament helps us to learn how to RESPOND to others in love.  

• As a parent, knowing our children’s temperaments helps because we can teach them how to mature by focusing on their strengths and helping them process their weaknesses. 

• When we react we will fly, fight, or freeze.  Learning the “art of the pause” will help us respond in love and get out of “reaction mode”.   

• You and your spouse can help each other by knowing your gifts and giving each other alternatives to handling difficult situations.

• Take the quiz at https://temperamentquiz.com and link your account with your spouse.  

• Observe your children this week.  During a date night, talk about the temperament of each child and how you can encourage their strengths. 

• What are our gifts as a couple?  How can we better use them for the good of our children?

Your authority in the family does not come from perfection, it comes as a grace from your parenthood.

There are two kinds of families - those that are frantic and those that are fruitful.  As Catholics we have an incredible grace to be fruitful families, but often our families don’t look much different than the secular, frantic families around us!  How can we live family life differently? There are so many different parenting philosophies out there.  Which ones should Catholics follow?  In this podcast, we give an overview of The Catholic Parenting Course - a guide for parents who want to have a roadmap for raising their families to be in the world, but not of the world.  The two parts of this podcast are how to parent like God the Father and then the secret weapon of the Catholic family (our regular listeners can guess what that is!).   Listen in! 

Book:  Abba’s Heart

Podcast:  MFP096 and 097, Elements of a Family Culture and Building a Family Culture

• To parent like God the Father, we need to start by conforming our hearts to His.

• Unity within your marriage needs to flow out and encompass everyone, all of your children giving them purpose and belonging.

• More than anything else, our children need us to delight in them. 

• Forming the hearts of our children is our sacred task.  Our goal should be to hand over the locus of control from us as parents to them.

• When lived intentionally, the culture within your home can be a powerful weapon against secular forces arrayed against us. 

• Do we see our Heavenly Father as delighting in us?  Why or why not? 

• On a continuum from isolation to oneness, where are we now?  How unified are we in our home? 

• What does it mean to delight in our children?  What does that look like for each of us, realizing that we will do this differently? 

• What are the values that our family culture is communicating to our children?