This week on Idiot of the Week, we bring you a lineup of contenders so jaw-droppingly ridiculous, you’ll question how humanity has made it this far.

First, we investigate how a Texas middle school managed to turn a classroom into a tattoo parlor—and not the cool kind. With one shared needle among students, it’s a truly horrifying tale of poor decisions and even worse health education.

Next, a Texas man who swallowed diamond earrings he stole earns his spot on the list with a question for the ages: “Am I going to be charged with what is in my stomach?” Spoiler alert: Yes, sir, and probably with a bonus charge for spectacular stupidity.

Then we meet the latest criminal duo vying for infamy: Mr. Clean and Ms. Dookie. We’re not saying they should quit their day jobs, but…actually, yes, they definitely should have quit while they were ahead. Or maybe just not started at all.

And finally, the world of criminal recruitment hits a new low, with wannabe masterminds placing ads on—where else?—Instagram. Because nothing screams “qualified accomplice” like a double-tap on your latest selfie.

Who will emerge victorious in this week’s battle of idiocy? Tune in to find out, and prepare to laugh, cringe, and wonder how we got here.

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