Bob and Miles get hijacked by Nanny and the professor this week; chaos ensues.

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Hey, Miles, why don’t you
out that wallet of yours? All right. Again, again with the sound. Geez. I can’t. I cannot do this podcast with these stupid things, man. I cannot. Welcome to the Stag Show. Miles, how are you doing tonight? I’m doing really good, Bob. How are you doing? Yeah, I know. You’ve got one hand in your pocket and the other hand’s making a peace sign. Yeah, I’ve been told. That’s what you’ve been told. Miles has been waiting for this because this is the big reveal here. I just got back from Alaska. And my arms are tired. Yeah, I’m cold and I’m wet. And you swam. Yeah. And Miles has been waiting to hear about this now for over a week. So you’ve been teasing me with these pictures of you jumping out of the water on the pictures. So I wasn’t, I didn’t want to tell you at all. Yeah. And my wife ruined it because unlike me, I guess she’s a more social person. And so she posted it on Facebook. She’s like, we’re in Alaska. Yeah.
i know your wife reads her stuff, I think. and yes so cat was out of the bag. I wanted to wait till i got back, because i just told you i was leaving. I didn’t tell you where i was going, what i was doing. You had actually told me a while back. Yeah, you did actually no because well i told you a while back, I think, that we were thinking about. Because it got canceled one time. So we were supposed to go and then we didn’t go. And then this time that I went was like out of the blue a little bit. Because you know why I went this time? You’re supposed to say why. Come on, Miles. Keep up your end of the bit here. Well, I’ll tell you why. I think you lost your audio now. Because I got a deal. I got such a deal. Will is going to have no interest in this whatsoever. I’m listening. What are you talking about? It’s way for it to get funny. I’m like, come on, man.
Douglas, on the other hand, is the demographic of where I was at. Because I was on a cruise ship with a bunch of old people in Alaska. Will will be like… I’m 42. I’m 43. I’m not young. I’m 42, just not in base 10. Oh, okay. Well… I’m always 42. Or 41. There’s not a person in the world that doesn’t want to be black for the mere reason that Will is the same age as Douglas. There you go. What the fuck? You just got to get your bases right. Yeah. Cocoa butter. Cocoa butter. Did you say cocoa butter? You don’t look the same age as me. I can’t. I’m sorry. So I went to Alaska on a cruise and I knew that there’s going to be a lot of old people. Yeah. I mean, that’s given. Right. But my wife and I got this thing where we want to get around to all 50 states. And, you know, two of the harder ones to get to are Hawaii and Alaska. We’ve been to Hawaii a couple of years ago. Right. And opportunity came up a deal like no other. And so we’re going to Alaska. Yeah.
And so, yeah. So we went. And it was crazy. I won’t recommend it to anyone if you don’t like flying or being on a boat for an extended period of time. Did you like the old people? Doug? Did you like the old people or not? No. I really don’t like people much at all. That’s why I’m a cartoonist. I’m kind of, I’m insulted now that you didn’t like old people, you know? Well, these aren’t the nice old people. These are the old people that are like, where’s my free drinks and where’s my free food? You know, and they’ll run you down. We’re not going to get anything free on this podcast. I’m giving you free exposure, Douglas. Douglas Moody, everyone. I’m just asking for a friend. What’s that?
There are no hookers on this boat. Oh, it’s probably loaded with hookers, Will, to be honest with you. I don’t have no idea. Oh, okay. If you don’t mind to have a 75-year-old hooker, I think you’d be all set. Miles, on one hand there, would be like, let me at it. I want to know. I’d be okay with that. I want to know, you’ve been swimming with a lot of old farts here recently. Were you just preparing yourself to be around with old fuckers? It was a conditioning, and you’re correct. I got my coupons. I’m like, that’s what I heard. They need coupons. I got them. Well, it’s all inclusive, right? So everywhere you go, if you walk up to the bar, you get a drink. If you go to a food place, you get food. You just say, hey, it’s me. Give me some food. Give me a drink.
pinching ass. Yeah, and they go, oh, Mr. LeMond, of course. I should have recognized you. There you go. We thought we saw you breaching the water outside, and we didn’t know you were inside. Don’t you have a show to do here in about 10 minutes? Where they calling you, Shamu? Show up. Wheel of misfortune. That’s a cell plug, but it’s going down. Oh, yeah. So back to this cruise. So you’re saying they ain’t had no young hoes over there? No. No young what? Young hoes, like 21 and up. I did not. There was very few people. You didn’t do no research. I get what you’re saying. Yeah, younger. I mean, there was like kids. And then there was old people. Oh, man. We got to try something. Was Bill Belichick on it or?
No, because his wife was younger, right? He didn’t bring his girl. He wasn’t there with his girlfriend. There probably was a smattering of young people on the boat, but not a lot. It was a lot of old people and a lot of old people who probably needed to be with an attendant. I like that. My wife says I should be. So I don’t know. Maybe I don’t know. Yeah. I mean, I’m a cartoon. I think Douglas is doing his Adobe character thing with this Mr. Stevenson skin on over there. So that way he looks a little older than he is. But no, it was. But it was still fun. I’ll tell you that it was still kind of fun. It just was a little difficult sometimes, you know, when the passageways were full because of the slow-moving vehicles and, you know, the parade of scooters that were going down the hallway. And, I mean, I saw Miles’ future in the hover round on the cruise ship. Hey, screw you, man.
Were there any trapezes in the bedroom or anything like that? Not in the one that I had. Maybe you can order that as an add-on. I’m not sure. I thought I was hoping. It’s very small. Anybody been on a cruise ship? Any of you here? No, I was on a ship, but that was in the 1800s with my family. Oh, my God. That’s going back, yeah. Well, history as well. A little history lesson there. Well, everything’s very small, right? They keep it all tight. Basically, we had a bed and you could barely walk on either side of the bed. That was how wide the room was. I didn’t pay for this, obviously. It was a very good deal. That’s good. If you and your wife are in the bed every time, that sounds good to me. Well, hey.
And the bathrooms are real tiny too. They have these tiny little bathrooms that basically the bathroom is not even this. And Miles has been to my house. The whole bathroom is no bigger than my shower. Wow. Okay. Which is, I got a large shower here, but that’s everything. That’s toilet, you know, sink, shower, the works. It’s actually smaller than that. Wow. No kidding. I told my wife, I said, because you step into the, The shower that was on the cruise ship was like the shower that Miles used to have in his basement. He may still have it. I don’t know. I still have it. No, you used to. Basically, you step into it and you’re rubbing up against the walls. I mean, that’s how tiny his shower is. It’s small. I told my wife they needed to have like a rotisserie, you know, like a rotating thing where you just step on it and then they spray water and let you spin around. I see.
That’ll be more effective, you know what I mean? Is your wife very buxom? Does she have a problem? That’s a bit of a personal question, Doug. I’ve only met you here about two months ago. I mean, you’re talking about going in the bathroom with your wife. I mean, what can I say? We couldn’t both be in the bathroom. I think that’s part of the plan here. Let’s talk about her cake. That eliminates Bill and Douglas’ need for whores and double it up in the shower. Does she have cake? Yeah. Yeah. No, but no, it’s very tight and tiny, you know. Maybe, but I couldn’t understand her and I wasn’t going to bend down to listen to her on the scooter. I like the scooter idea. You like the scooters? Okay. Yeah, I do. I do.
I don’t have a scooter yet. I didn’t realize we opened up the perv room tonight with you guys. I asked a real question. I’m sorry. I mean, we’re asking what’s on our mind, really. Yeah, okay. It was a lot of fun. We got to see Alaska, right? The funny thing is probably one of the best things that I took away was we start in a town called Whittier. Whittier, Alaska. And Whittier, Alaska is known for the fact that everybody lives in one big building. There’s a big building. It looks like a hotel looking thing. Literally, everybody lives there. It’s like apartments. That’s where you get on the boat because it’s an old harbor. I thought, this is the coolest thing. What are you doing, Will? It sounds like a perfect plan for an orgy. I’m like, everybody in one building. I don’t know. Miles, did you send this guy notes or something? What about
Was there any reverse cowgirl in the ship at all, Bob? Could you talk about that? I thought Whittier was kind of the coolest thing. And we got on the boat and then you go, you know, trucking on down the coastline. Where’s the church at? How about that? They didn’t have a church on the boat. I did not participate. I could have gone to Bible study, but I did not. How long was it? It was a week. It was a week, yeah. Well, six days, I guess. Six days, yeah. Wow. There you go. I’ll just take your questions. What’s the next thing that’s popping into your dirty little minds? You ever try the Rusty Trombone? That was like a light bulb went off there for a second. Yeah. I think I got him. Give me a second. He said the Rusty Trombone. I know that’s nasty. The Dirty Sanchez? Was there any of the Dirty Sanchez?
Douglas, you weren’t expecting this to happen tonight, were you? Well, I’m hoping to hear more about these 70-year-old women, but, you know, what can I do? I didn’t like taking it to the peephole or anything, if that’s what you’re talking about, Douglas. Were these 70-year-old women, like, natural, or did they have, like, breast implants and BBLs? Like, what are you talking about? I wasn’t even paying attention, Will. That was not my… He was. Your wife isn’t here. You don’t have to lie to us. Yeah, come on. Honestly, I tried to avoid as many people as possible because it’s really hard for me to go out and be in environments like this, so I was dodging everybody. So you didn’t see no double D titties nowhere the whole time? I’m sure there was. Just his own…
Were there any above the knees? That’s what I want to know. There was a lot of lap boobs going on. That’s for sure. That definitely is the case. My wife’s not here. She’s with the grandkids in England. That’s why you can get away with this. When you get old, just send them away to the grandkids. You know, that’s what you do when you get old. You send your wife away to the grandkids, and then you can come on shows like this and talk with a 20-year-old. How old are you? How old am I? How old do I look? What’s that? As an animated cat, I would say maybe you’re 40. Yeah, I’m the same age as Will. 43. How old are you, Will? Cocoa butter. We’ll go with that.
Well, my wife and I are both 69. Oh, shit. How does that work? Well, I told her we’re both 69. And I said to her, that sounds pretty erotic. And she said, why? And I said, well, think about how 69s form, the numbers. So she said, well, that’s three times 23. So I guess you want to have a threesome with a 23-year-old. I said, well, no. A little math humor going on here. Yeah, I didn’t really think of that. I didn’t want to knock that out, but I said no. So she said, what did it mean? What’s it mean? And she didn’t really know. So I said, it’s like a sexual position. And she said, did we ever do it? And I said, well, yeah, we did. And she said, when? I said, remember that time you had six glasses of wine at a wedding and you woke up the next day and couldn’t remember anything?
That’s the night we did it. She drank six glasses and they woke up at nine. That’s my goal. The secret to our marriage is that I know the amount of wine it takes to make her amorous without being passed out. I think that’s the secret to being married. That’s the key thing of your relationship, the tipping point, when you know how much wine you’re in. Look at this Cosby over here. You see? No, no, no. I don’t have to put drugs in a drink. No, no. My wife likes to drink. I’m actually a non-alcoholic, so I let her do all the drinking. So you’re a predator. That’s what you’re telling us. That’s exactly right. That’s right. Would you like another glass? We don’t need the big bottle. This small bottle puts her right away. I don’t spend any more than I have to. She just needs some wine, that’s all. We just need the three-buck chuck and the one-liter three-buck chuck is all I need. She drinks beer too, but she drinks wine mostly. Yeah.
You haven’t gone on a cruise yet, Douglas? I get seasick. I get seasick. Oh, no. These boats are so smooth. You won’t even hardly know it. Wow. Big boat. I get that. Also, my wife’s ferry cost a full week. Oh, in the shower. Yeah, that might be a problem. When we both get in the shower together and have sex, she thinks it’s too crowded. Yeah. I’m not sure. You know. I’m just saying that that’s kind of what she says, you know. She says it’s too crowded. Yeah. Probably because you and her in the pool, boy, somebody’s got to leave. Well, that could be, you know, I’m trying to get the, the maid, you know, I got to learn Spanish. Okay. Spanish maid. Yeah. Gordo. Do you have anything to say to the Spanish man? Gordo. Gordo. Gordo. I heard there’s like $1,000 in their country. Just give it to them. This is the kind of person that never knows English until she wants to ask for money or something. And all of a sudden, she’s perfect English. Oh, my goodness.
Oh, I don’t think anything. Oh, no, no. I give her money. She goes, oh, can you make change in quarters? I’m like, where did this come from? Give me a bucket right there. Goodness. There it is. That’s the way that they are. I just hope that ice doesn’t show up in my house. That’s all. I heard we get a reward. It’s a rumor on the internet. I don’t know. I don’t know if I would go for that. I don’t know if it’s worth it. I think it’s definitely worth it. They said something like $250 per and then my job full of immigrants. I’m like, man, I could be real and quit comedy in one day. There you go. I’m coming back with my first social break about it. But I’m like, yeah, guys. We’re all immigrants if we go back enough. Yeah. So are you retired, Douglas? No. My God, no. I got to work my head off every day. You know, I work in a coal mine. Actually, that’s not true. Okay. So guess what I am. Say, what do you think I am? You still work? Yep. A Walmart greeter.
A Walmart creator. Wow, thank you. That’s probably above my position, but that’s okay. Oh, okay. CEO of a healthcare company. Oh, no. You don’t see any bodyguards by me, so no. We don’t know. There’s a brick wall behind you. Well, that could be. No, I don’t have any security guards. I’m a professor. Oh, professor. Okay. Oh, that’s it. That’s why I just say you can still do that. You can still do that at this age. Oh, yeah, whenever you’re older. Yeah. There’s a lot of young professors who are like, I wish he wouldn’t. I wish he would just move on so that I can get a job. Nobody gets a tenure job until Doug Moody moves his ass out of the position. That’s exactly right, baby. That tenure, that’s a good thing to have, by the way. You hold him back, young professor. Doug Moody, you better watch out. I mean, it’s going to be, you know.
It’s going to get like Thunderdome there on campus pretty soon. These people don’t move on. You know what I’m saying? I know. I know. But we have some openings. Oh, you have some openings. Don’t worry about it. There’s a couple of openings for the janitorial services. That’s what I’m talking about. Is that what you mean? At the cafeteria. There’s a couple of spots I think they’re looking to fill. Yeah. No, we have to work our way up. Bob, you have to work your way to the camp start. What are you, a comics professor? What? Economics professor? No, computer science. Oh, computer science. Oh, no wonder he’s so interested in what the cat was all about. Yeah, no way. I’ll tell you, Bob, you’re pretty smart. You should be like a detective or something, you know? Damn! You really are. That’s pretty clever, you know? Smart-ass prof. It’d be like, you can turn your paper in late, or you strict. Like,
We don’t have any papers. We have computer programs. We don’t do that. We do AI. I was going to say, you don’t need it anymore. Your obsolete AI is coming in. You don’t even need the programmers. You just type it in. You go, make me a program that will clean my house. It doesn’t do it really the right way. You can’t really do that. It’s always the right way. You only get 80-90%. Then you have to read it and figure it out anyway. You could have probably written Yeah. We’ll see. I mean, I don’t have to worry about that because, you know. Anyway, Doug, did I tell you? Two decades, you know. You ever see a glacier? What’s that? Ever see a glacier? I have. Oh, really? Which glacier did you see? When I ask my wife to have sex, it’s like a glacier. Oh, Christ. Now he’s moving the sex jokes in there. Well.
A couple of slow-moving cold white things. Are you talking about my wife still? I thought you were going to get off that. I’m sorry. I want to talk about Glacier. I thought you were talking about my wife. I’m sorry. Slow-moving wife. Glacier wife. Is she frigid or something? Yeah, kind of. I think so. We have sex every February 29th. Oh, that’s fantastic. That’s what we do. It still adds up over time. I’m sure you can write a computer program to trick her into… Thinking that every day is the 29th. Probably. Probably. Leap year. You can hack the calendar. Yeah, it’s called leap year. So I think it’s leap year because of that date, you know, for me. Okay. Yeah, but we have a special, like, communication about, like, the name for sex. Like, we use football terms. So I call it the Hail Mary, you know. Is your wife’s name Mary? And she calls it, no, no.
Like Hail Mary football pass. And she also used football terms. She calls it second in inches. We both have a football term. You still scored. Oh, there you go. I know. That’s true. That’s true. She keeps trying to score safety, I think. But that’s, you know. That means you owe her. Oh, shit. Yeah, I’ll tell you. Bob’s had a few false starts. Yeah. Yeah, it’s really hard, you know. Rotate. I know food. Yeah, we went to a sex therapist, you know. Oh, really? Was that called the referee? No, to help you with your sex life. Oh, okay. So she said that We should do more of the missionary position. So I came home the next night. She’s banging on our priest. So I said, you know. And then the therapist said to me that, you know, maybe you should try some oral sex, you know, to get her excited. We tried that. And the therapist said, what happened? I said, oh, she started to choke.
So anyway. Was she licking herself? She started to choke because it wasn’t oral sex on her. It was oral sex on me. That was the idea. Oh, okay. Follow that one. Sorry about that one. I was a little getting late here, Bob. In the throat. That’s for sure. But luckily it was covered by insurance, like Obamacare covers sexual therapy. Apparently Michelle pushed pretty hard to get Barack to include that in there. Really? Yeah, that’s the rumor. You better have that in there, Barack. We need that. It’s even on Medicare. Oh, really? Chapter X. Oh, so do you have, you know, you get the little blue pill? Oh, no. I don’t take any pills. I’m against pills, you know. Miles takes it, so he’s not as old as you. Viagra, something like that? Yeah. Really? He likes to use it while he’s watching television. Yeah. Well, that’s true. You got to practice when you’re alone, I know. Well, old episodes of Three’s Company really get him going. Really? Hey, whatever. I don’t know.
It’s something you get old, you start fantasizing about having sex with Martha Stewart. Miles did that before. What? His fantasy has always been these older women. No, come on. It’s a shame. I look at the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders and I’m thinking, which one of these would be the best babysitter for my grandson versus It changes your whole perspective of things. I’m scared to take that pill because I heard it kicks in when it kicks in. What if I’m in church with that blue pill I took Saturday? Yeah, really. Now you can do about it. There you go. Hold on to your hymnal. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know. Well, you got to bring that back. I don’t know this week. I got trapped in an elevator though uh oh I was in the elevator, and everybody got out and heard this voice said real feminine voice, going down. So I said, I’m staying here she’s going down. But I guess that really wasn’t what I was thinking of the wrong thing, I guess. What do you do when you listen to Aerosmith Aerosmith
Love in an elevator. They had the whole lyric. You probably think of the Wings was Paul McCartney’s first group or something. I definitely was there. Here’s a true story. Let’s hear a true story. I was talking to my daughter’s 30. My youngest daughter’s 30. We were talking about the Chiefs playing the Green Bay Packers possibly in a Superbowl a year ago or two. Right. Okay. Yeah. Right. So I said to her, Oh, that would be good because it was the first Superbowl had those teams in it. And I remember watching the first Superbowl and she just fell off her chair. She could not believe that someone actually watched the, like you’re that old. You watch the first ever Superbowl. I said, yeah, it was 10, you know, yeah, that was true. But another kid, you may, I don’t know if you think it’s cute, but remember the, um,
Heidi game where the, the jets never hear the Heidi game. Heidi broke in. And then before the end of the, right. So my wife, I got mad. My wife is the only person that I’ve ever met. Your old girl who was waiting for Heidi. Like she was, she was glad that it happened. So I never, have you ever met any serious? I’ve never met anybody who was waiting for Heidi. Everybody always says about how they were upset about the football part, you know? Hmm. But she was 12 at the time, I think, or something around that age. And she said, I was waiting for Heidi. I was very happy that he took the stupid-ass game off. Yeah. It was taking too long. Yeah, so that was funny. We know a couple people in the football world who… Oh, really? Miles? Yeah. I have met a player from the first Super Bowl, actually. Fred Williamson. Oh, okay. Cool. Dude’s crazy. Yeah, yeah. They’re kind of crazy people, but
You know a guy named Pat Kerwin? Do you ever see or hear of him? No. He’s an announcer on Sirius XM for football. They do a football show. The other thing that’s pretty interesting is when they have those halftime shows and they have four or five ex-coaches or players or something and they talk about the game, he actually holds signs and writes signs for them to read when they’re doing that. That’s his job. He used to be a Jets assistant coach or something. But that’s kind of his job, which is kind of cool. My son went with him one day. It was kind of interesting. He went there when Dan Marino used to do it. Remember Dan Marino? Yeah. I hate Dan Marino. Foul mouth. Really a foul mouth. I hate that guy. I hate Dan Marino. Yeah. Well, I’m from Pittsburgh. What’s that? Because it means I know Dan Marino from Ace Ventura. Oh, yeah. Yeah.
So, yeah, he’s from my hometown, Pittsburgh. You know about Mechanicsburg? I stayed there for like eight months. Mechanicsburg, yeah, that’s like in the middle of Pennsylvania more. Yeah, it’s outside of Harrisburg, which I thought Pittsburgh or Philadelphia was the capital, and I came to find out when I went up there. I’m like, neither? Nope, nope, nope. It’s Harrisburg. It’s in the middle of the state. Capitals are usually in the middle of the state. Yeah, I was up there. Yeah, that’s cool. Harrisburg’s an interesting place. So anyway, where are you guys at now? Oh, I’m from Memphis, Tennessee. That’s where I’m from. Memphis, okay. The National Guard is coming in. Memphis, Tennessee. I’m from Levittown, PA. You’re not from Levittown. Is that an east side or west side? He’s a Chicago boy. He’s from Chicago. What, where?
Levittown? Is that on the east part or the west part? No, I just bullshit. It’s over by Philly, isn’t it? My cousins live over there. Oh, okay. It’s by Philly, I think. I don’t know. Let’s close down the show that Douglas has hijacked tonight. Everybody, welcome to Douglas’ show. Thank you. With his co-host, Will, Charles. There you go. Good job, Will. Good job. We’ll shut this down and then you can ask Miles all about his cousins where they put the hide-a-key. Okay. Good. All right. Well, nice meeting you all.