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This episode is a last-minute extension of the Compassion Series. I realized after the episode on extending compassion to difficult people, it might also be helpful to talk about mindfulness practices for dealing with difficult people. So, that’s the plan for today.

I'm using the term "difficult person" as a shortcut here, lumping a bunch of people under one label. A difficult person is one who creates conditions for negative emotions to arise in you. It might be someone you’re angry with, someone who annoys you, someone who upsets you, etc. It’s important to note I’m talking about those who are mildly to moderately difficult. I am not talking about abusive people or those who cause grievous harm. The strategies I’ll share today can apply to those people, too, but they’re not enough on their own. You’ll need more help with such people.

Let’s get back to the “difficult people” label for a moment, though. The danger of calling someone a difficult person is the label may stick, if even in your own mind. If you always think of them as the difficult person, it will bias your perception of them. Certainly some people are more difficult, or difficult more often than others, but most people aren't difficult all the time or in all situations. The label can lead you to limit your compassion for the other person, and that will make it harder to deal with them.

 Another issue with the label is it suggests this person is causing your problems. In reality, it's your reactions to the person that are problematic, and you have to own those. No, I'm not suggesting their behaviour is acceptable or should be discounted. I’m saying that the negative effects of their behaviour can be mitigated by the way you react to them. If you apply mindfulness, you have a better chance of dealing with them in a less negative way that harms you less.

 I’m going to continue using the term difficult people so I can communicate with you clearly, but I suggest you drop it after you listen to this podcast. Don’t start using it to label others.

 This is not the definitive guide to handling difficult people. It’s a collection of practices that might help.

 Begin with a little meditation

If you know ahead of time that you’ll be encountering a difficult person, take some time to meditate first. Even a few minutes of meditation can help you become more grounded and calm. As you end your meditation, you might also like to set an intention for dealing with the difficult person, something like, “I intend to stay calm and not react in anger,” or “I intend to listen to what the person has to say and let go of my frustration.”

Compassion meditation might also be helpful. It could allow you to generate goodwill toward difficult person, making it easier to interact with them. This tends to work only if you’re already practicing compassion meditation regularly, because it takes practice to learn to generate genuine compassion for a difficult person.

If you do use compassion meditation, you might add a step when you come to sending goodwill to the difficult person. Take a few breaths to identify and focus on at least one good or pleasing characteristic of the difficult person. Even if it’s only something small, hold on to it for a little while to help you generate positive feelings.

When you spontaneously encounter a difficult person and have no time to meditate first, the next technique will be more helpful.

 Take a tiny time out