Mindful15: Mindfulness | Meditation | Habit Building

 

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When the pandemic hit, my employer’s response was immediate. We were all sent home to teach our courses. For those that don’t know, I teach at a post-secondary polytechnic in Canada. I spent the final 6 weeks of the semester sitting in a kitchen chair, broadcasting lessons from my laptop. And, I was promptly hit with a bout of sciatica caused by sitting in a non-ergonomic position for hours a day, days on end. 10 months and lots of physical therapy later, and I’m still experiencing pain. Worst of all, I went from working out three days a week to being barely able to hobble around the block.

My physiotherapist says I’m at a point where I need to start strength training again and I did my first workout yesterday. And, it was awful. It was so incredibly disappointing to see how far I’d backtracked. Less than a year ago, I could do back squats with 60 pounds of weight and I could deadlift 100 pounds. Yesterday, I could barely manage 10 reps of glute bridges which is a basic bodyweight exercise with no added weights. I wanted to cry.

But I took a deep breath in and reminded myself to just “start where you are.”

Before I tell you more about starting where you are, I have a quick announcement. I’ve just launched a new course called Build a Mindfulness Habit designed to help you turn your meditation practice into a habit. And I’m really excited about it. You probably know that habit-building is my thing. It comes from my experience as a meditation teacher. I’ve observed that, for many people, making sure they practice regularly enough is the single biggest obstacle they face when learning to meditate. And, if you don’t practice regularly, you don’t get all the physical, mental, and emotional health benefits. 

The solution to this problem is simple: turn meditation into a habit. Then, when it’s time to meditate, you don’t hesitate, you don’t have any decisions to make, and you don’t fight with yourself over whether to meditate or not. You just do it. Automatically. Effortlessly. So, the new course walks you through building a meditation habit, step by step. And, along the way, you’ll learn to manage the other common obstacles to practice: boredom, restlessness, busy mind and much more. For details, pop over to mindful15.com. You’ll see the courses link at the top of the page.

Alright, so there I am, ready to cry over my poor physical fitness when I reminded myself “start where you are”. 

Starting where you are involves:

Mindfully acknowledging the current state of affairs

Accepting that this is the reality of the present moment

Reminding yourself that you can manage this. You can tolerate it, you can work with it, and you can get through it.

And, starting with the first step that you can manage to take.

Start where you are is an attitude, one that’s simple yet powerful. Wherever you are right now is your starting point. Take stock mindfully of what’s really happening right now, and figure out the next logical step to move yourself in the direction of your goal.

For me, this is profound, because this attitude helps keep me in a mindful state, one that allows me to let go of self-pity, grief, anger, frustration and worry about the future and take meaningful steps to help myself.

I could sit and cry over the state of my physical fitness. I could wallow in self-pity and focus on how bad I feel. I could spend time blaming myself for not being smarter than to sit on a kitchen chair to work, or I could blame my employer for not buying me a better chair. I could whine about how awful the pandemic is. I could worry about whether I’ll ever be able to get back to the gym.

 

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When you transition to silent meditation, you may notice a resurgence of problems that you’d dealt with successfully in guided meditation. It’s also possible that new difficulties spring up. Don’t be concerned. Dealing with difficulties is a part of the learning process.

Here are a few common problems and some strategies for handling them:

I don’t know how to start a sitting session

It’s good practice to begin by checking your posture. There are two reasons for doing this: 1) good posture help you sit still and stay alert, and 2) checking your posture brings your attention to your body. Your body is always in the present moment. Checking posture means putting your mind where your body is. It helps you settle in.

To settle in further, you might like to take two or three long, slow breaths in. As you exhale, allow your body to relax and settle into the posture. Don’t forget to allow your breath to return to normal. Aim to let your breath be completely natural. Let it be long, or short, or in-between - whatever it feels like being at the time. 

Then, just bring your attention to your breath. It doesn’t matter what spot in the body you settle on. You can focus on the breath in your nostrils, throat, chest, solar plexus, abdomen, etc. Just choose one place and put your full attention there.

My mind won’t calm down

Thoughts are not a problem. They are a part of the meditation practice. I’ve said this many times before and I will say it many more, because this is the problem that most troubles beginners - and it isn’t really a problem.

You are sitting in meditation to notice what arises in the present moment. Thoughts will come up. Meditation is not about getting rid of your thoughts. It is about noticing them as they come up and about allowing them to fade without judging them or getting engaged in them.

But, sometimes, you will get engaged in them. And that’s okay, too. Whenever you notice that you’re thinking, simply let go of the thought, and return your attention to the breath.

Do this with the utmost patience and kindness toward yourself. This is the way to train yourself to keep returning to the breath. If you berate yourself or judge yourself for having thoughts, you set up an adversarial relationship between you and your mind. It won’t help. It will hurt. Be kind to yourself, after all, you’ve done nothing wrong.

But, you don’t understand, my mind NEVER stops 

Oh, I do understand. I’ve been meditating for many years and I still have days of monkey mind. You can imagine why it’s called monkey mind, right? Those monkeys are crazy!

Whether your mind is generating just a few thoughts or a whole carnival of thoughts, just keep returning patiently to the breath.

You can also try counting your breaths. As you breathe in, count silently, “one.” As you breathe out, count “one.” As you breathe in, count “two.” As you breathe out, count “two.” Keep counting until you reach “ten.” Then start over again at “one.” 

If you lose count, just patiently start over at “one.” The goal here is not to keep count, so losing count isn’t a problem. The goal is to use the counting to help you focus your attention. Once you feel your mind has settled, you can stop counting - or, you can count for the entire meditation period.

I don’t feel as relaxed as I did with guided meditation

Guided meditations can be very relaxing, but relaxation is not the purpose of meditation. If you’ve been zoning out during guided meditation, you might find yourself longing for that lovely blissed out feeling during silent sitting. It may or may not come. And, every day will be different.

 

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As a mindfulness teacher, I love leading guided meditations, and many Mindful15 listeners come to my podcast and website because they, too, enjoy the guided meditations. But today, I am on a mission to convince you to meditate silently.

In my experience, a large percentage of people who try meditation do so, because they’re looking for stress relief. And the first practice that many encounter is guided meditation. For stressed people, guided meditation can be a godsend. When you find a teacher whose voice soothes you, guided meditation can be incredibly calming and relaxing.

But, I have to tell you guided meditations are limited in what they can teach you about mindfulness.

Mindfulness is not a synonym for relaxation, and the sense of calm you can generate using a guided meditation isn’t a necessary element of meditation practice. Mindfulness is the practice of awareness without judgement.

To be mindful is to be clearly and objectively aware of what’s going on in the present moment and clearly and objectively aware of your mind’s reactions to what’s going on. It is only when you bring awareness to what’s going on in your mind that you can learn to let go of habitual reactions and meet the reality of life head on. 

The problem with guided meditations is you can’t be fully aware of what’s going on in your environment and in your mind if your attention is focused on the speaker who is guiding the meditation. Guided meditations are, for the most part, nothing more than relaxation exercises.

So, what’s wrong with relaxation exercises? Nothing! Relaxation is a vital promoter of mental, physical and emotional health, and if guided meditation helps you relax, that’s fabulous. Keep doing it! I do. 

But why stop there. If you enjoy the benefits of relaxation practice, you should know that mindfulness practice has even more to offer. It, too, promotes mental, emotional, and physical health. And it does this by teaching you a new way to relate to your own mind. The first step is to learn to practice awareness of the present moment.

And to become fully aware, you need to be silent and observe. It’s a very simple practice, and in a moment, we’ll try it together. You should know, however, that although the practice is simple, it’s not easy. There are a lot of things that can come up to challenge you, and it takes time and patient practice to build the skill required to deal with them. That’s why we created Mindful15 - to provide the guidance you need to learn to practice mindfulness effectively.

The entire Podcast and the entire Membership Site are devoted to this, but next week’s episode in particular will feature advice on managing the most common challenges experienced when first attempting silent meditation.

And, one last thing. You don’t have to fully switch to silent meditation. There’s nothing wrong with using including both silent and guided meditations in your practice. I do.

Join me now for silent meditation 

For a 5-minute silent meditation, forward podcast or video above to 4:00. The sitting period begins and ends with the sound of a mindfulness bell.

Up next 

How to manage difficulties that can pop up when learning silent meditation.

 

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Do you use meditation apps? I do, but there is a significant downside to relying on apps to learn mindfulness and meditation. Don’t worry. I’m not going to tell you to stop using your app, but I am going to explain why it’s important to supplement with other forms of education.

Mindfulness and meditation apps provide quick, easy access to guided meditations and offer hundreds of guided meditation options. And, of course, they’re portable, so you have access to recordings wherever and whenever you want provided you keep your phone battery charged!

Some apps also allow you to track the length and frequency of meditation sessions, which may help you meditate more often and for longer, both of which are beneficial.

Preliminary research shows that app users experience reduced mind-wandering, lowering of perceived stress, fewer symptoms of depression, more positive emotions, and less aggression. 

But…

Research on mindfulness is in its infancy. There are very few studies and each one tends to focus on a specific meditation app, which means its findings may not be generalizable to other apps. Furthermore measures of effectiveness are typically self-reports as opposed to objective measures and it is not clear that the factors on which participants are asked to rate themselves accurately represent elements of mindfulness and meditation that are learned through training with a qualified teacher. This means we do not yet know just how effective mindfulness apps are, or how they compare to traditional mindfulness training.

Perhaps the biggest limitation of mindfulness apps is they typically don’t offer lessons in how to meditate or practice mindfulness. They merely guide you through meditation. Guided meditations have limited usefulness, as Dr. James Cartriene notes in his Harvard Health Blog post entitled Mindfulness Apps: How Well do They Work? He writes, “It’s hard to notice what’s going on inside or around you if you’re distracted by someone speaking, even if it is soothing speech, and some reviews of these apps point this out. Research also indicates that the self-directed, silent form of mindfulness practice is more effective than externally guided exercises. Being talked through a breathing exercise is actually a form of relaxation training (learning to release tension from the body), which also has value, but is different from mindfulness training.” I agree with him.

Your app may offer a guided meditation to help you relax when anxious, but it won’t teach you how to be mindful of anxiety by acknowledging it and mindfully facing it head on. Apps don’t teach you how to actively manage difficult emotions, or how to bring mindfulness into your daily life. They cannot coach you through rough spots in your personal practice and they cannot offer support other than helping you track your meditation sessions.

It’s also incredibly easy to record a guided meditation and some of the people who produce meditations are not qualified to teach mindfulness. And of course, you need to be a careful consumer, because not all guided meditations are based on mindfulness practice. There are all sorts of practices that people label as meditation and if you are uneducated in mindfulness, it can be difficult to know whether what you’re listening to is a legitimate mindfulness practice.

Now, I can hear you saying,  “Don’t you offer guided meditations, Monica?

 

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Let’s talk about stress. Research shows that stress levels are on the rise. Penn State researchers, for example, report that stress levels for people in all age groups are significantly higher than they were in the ‘90s. This begs the question, “How do I effectively manage stress.” Well, people attempt to manage their stress in all sorts of ways. Today, I’m going to rate stress management techniques and explain why they are or are not effective.

To make this discussion manageable, I’m going to loosely group stress management tactics before I rate each group’s effectiveness. Some of the strategies can be placed in multiple categories, but I’ll simplify by listing them only once. Here they are, listed from least effective to most effective.

Avoidance 

This involves pretending you’re not feeling stressed. It’s a suppression of emotions in the hope that ignoring them will make them go away. Some people convince themselves that admitting to feelings of anxiety, worry, fatigue, etc. amounts to being weak and ineffective. But, we all experience feelings, and we all sometimes have strong or even overwhelming feelings. That doesn’t make us weak. It makes us human.

Ignoring feelings is problematic, because they don’t necessarily go away when you deny their existence. In fact, over time, they can build up and cause even more distress. Furthermore, even when we refuse to acknowledge them, feelings can cause tension in the body and in the mind that can manifest in harmful ways, such as lashing out at other people.

Overall, avoidance is the least effective strategy.

Masking

Masking involves medicating your stress reaction, typically with alcohol, drugs, or nicotine (which is a drug that can provide temporary feelings of pleasure and improved concentration). Medicating doesn’t deal directly with feelings, so it doesn’t reduce or eliminate the stress. Instead, it temporarily induces relaxation, euphoria, or other mental states that feel better than the stressful feelings. There are two problems with this. First, the effects of medication are temporary, so the feelings are likely to return. Second, medicating can have adverse effects such as addiction and poor physical health. It’s true that some drugs are less harmful than others, but even they only provide a temporary reprieve.

Overall, medicating is only temporarily effective and isn’t a good choice, because of potentially serious negative consequences.

Distracting Yourself

Distraction might be the single most commonly used form of stress management. It involves doing something else, typically something we experience as pleasant, in an effort to take our attention away from the stress. So many activities can be used as distractions: Surfing Youtube, social media or the web in general; watching TV; playing video games; listening to music; partying, shopping; gambling; eating; working, and a host of other things.

There is an upside and a downside to these kinds of activities. Pleasant activities are necessary. They generate happiness and help bring balance to our lives. But, when we habitually use pleasant activities as our primary method for coping with stress, we cross over to the downside.

Distraction provides only temporary relief, and some distracting activities such as emotional eating and gambling can have harmful consequences. In fact, any activity you habitually turn to for stress relief can get out of control. Someone who spends excessive amounts of time watching TV or gaming, for example, can suffer if these distractions prevent them from completing other necessary activities of daily living such as socializing, eating, or bathing.

Overall,

 

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Experts are telling us that Covid-19 will continue to challenge us for at least another year. Vaccines will eventually give us relief, but it is going to take several months for everyone to be vaccinated. Meanwhile, we’ll still need to wear our masks and keep our distance, people will continue to get sick and many will die. There will also be continued suffering from loss of loved ones as well as economic hardship and stressful work and childcare conditions. I don’t say any of this to depress you. I say it, because the best way to cope with the challenges of this pandemic are to face them head on - and I want to explain how mindfulness can help us do just that.

Several weeks ago, I shared a poem with Mindful15 Members during our Weekly Meditation Practice. And, to those members, I apologize for the repeat content, but this poem is highly relevant to our current topic. It’s called The Little Duck and it was written by Donald Babcock and  published in the New Yorker magazine in 1947.

Now we are ready to look at something pretty special. It is a duck riding the ocean a hundred feet beyond the surf.

No, it isn’t a gull. A gull always has a raucous touch about him.

This is some sort of duck, and he cuddles in the swells. He isn’t cold, and he is thinking things over.

There is a big heaving in the Atlantic, And he is part of it.

He looks a bit like a mandarin, or the Lord Buddha meditating under the Bo tree. But he has hardly enough above the eyes to be a philosopher.

He has poise, however, which is what philosophers must have. He can rest while the Atlantic heaves, because he rests in the Atlantic.

Probably he doesn’t know how large the ocean is. And neither do you. But he realizes it.

And what does he do, I ask you. He sits down in it. He reposes in the immediate as if it were infinity—which it is.

That is religion, and the duck has it. He has made himself a part of the boundless, by easing himself into it just where it touches him.

 

The imagery in this poem aptly depicts how we can use mindfulness to manage difficulties of all sorts. Like the duck, when challenges arise, we sit down in them. We accept our situation by simply acknowledging the reality of it. This doesn’t mean we enjoy it, like it, agree with it, or allow it to continue without doing what is reasonable to change it. It means we acknowledge its existence, we let go of our reactions to it, and we become at ease with it.

The duck doesn’t sit in the roiling ocean thinking “oh no, that wave it so large, what if it swamps me,” or “it’s not fair,” or “when is this ever going to end, I can’t stand it anymore.” The duck just settles in and rides the waves.

You, too, can ride the Covid wave. It does you no good to ignore the pandemic, because doing so increases your risk. It also does no good to get lost in fear and worry, constantly ruminating about awful things that might happen. They might happen; they might not. Worry is absolutely useless. Worse yet, let worry consume you and it can paralyze you, keep you from taking action to help yourself.

What’s most effective is to acknowledge the reality of the situation: There is a chance that you or your loved ones could get sick, and a chance that you could inadvertently infect other people. In the face of this reality, if you apply mindfulness and compassion, your actions are clear: You follow current guidelines laid out by experts. As of the recording of this podcast, experts recommend you stay home as much as you are able to, you wear a mask when outside the home,

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You’re listening to the Mindful15 Podcast, Episode 162, with Monica Tomm. Mindful15 features 15-minute practical lessons in meditation and mindfulness, because we believe mindfulness is for everyone!

One of my most frequently-asked questions is “How long and how often should I meditate?” But there’s a problem hidden in the phrasing of this question, and I’m going to address that before I get on to discussing optimal length and frequency of meditation sessions.And, is there such a thing as too much meditation? I’ll address that, too.

“How long should I meditate” sounds like a pretty simple question, but phrasing is everything. I’d prefer you ask whether there’s an optimal length or frequency for meditation. Why? Because the word “should” is problematic. If I give you a number, if I say you should aim for xx minutes per day, or xx number of days per week, I create a potential problem. What if you can’t or don’t live up to the schedule I set for you? You might well conclude that you’re not doing enough or not doing it right and that kind of thinking can be so discouraging as to cause you to give up on meditation altogether. I have an entire episode devoted to the problems of should.

Okay, so now that I’ve hopefully convinced you to stop shoulding yourself, let’s get on with the topic at hand. 

At Mindful15, we recommend 15 minutes of meditation per day. After all, we’re called Mindful15 for a reason! 15 minutes is enough for you to notice significant benefits. 

But, maybe you’re not able to sit that long. That’s okay. Even five minutes a day can be beneficial. And, no, I am not placating you. I really mean that! 

What’s most important is to do what you can. Perhaps, after practicing for 5 minutes a day, you’ll build enough skill and notice enough benefit to motivate you to do 7 minutes a day, and then over time to move to 10 minutes and so on. Of course, you may be thinking “it’s not a matter of skill. I just don’t have the time.” Then I have an episode especially for you. It’s called Oh yes, you do have time to meditate which debunks the myth of not enough time.

While sitting 15 minutes a day is a solid practice, sitting longer has advantages. The longer you sit, the quieter your mind becomes. There’s no specific prescription for how long, though. You can experiment and see what works for you. Some people like to do two or three short sessions per day. Others prefer one longer session, maybe 30 to 60 minutes. Our Mindful15 Weekly Meditation Practice typically includes a 30-minute guided meditation and sometimes more than one meditation in the hour-long practice.

What I want you to take away from this discussion is that you should do what you can manage to do, and be satisfied that you’re doing something healthy for yourself. Over time, if you want to, you can expand your practice. That’s it.

Now, you’ll notice that there’s a theme running through this discussion. Whether you do five minutes or an hour, I recommend you meditate every day. Again, there’s no rule that says you have to do this, but there are two good reasons for my recommendation.

First, the more regular your practice, the more likely you are to benefit from it. Please remember the goal of meditation practice: To build your mindfulness skills so that you’re able to bring them out of meditation and into your daily life. Ultimately, you want to practice mindfulness all the time. Daily sitting practice helps to remind you to do this.

Second, the hardest part of establishing a meditation practice is remembering to meditate! That’s why I strongly recommend creating a meditation habit. When something is habitual, it takes no effort to remember to do it.

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Meditation practice is not an end in itself. We don’t meditate just to meditate. We practice meditation to build mindfulness skills so we can apply them to every activity in our daily lives. The goal is to live mindfully all the time. Granted, it’s an ambitious goal, but that’s why we never stop practicing. Today, we’re going to explore how breath meditation can be applied to all our activities.

I’ve written many posts describing daily mindfulness practices: Mindful hand washing, tea drinking, reading, and more. Here are the links

* Have You Ever Really Washed Your Hands?

* Put Your Full Attention on Your Tea

* Reading with Your Full Attention

* No More Waiting in Line

* Doing Things You Hate to Do

* Daily Mindfulness Activities for the Workplace

* Consider Your Environmental Impact

But one of our listeners made me realize I’ve never clearly explained how breath meditation translates to daily mindfulness.They asked a whole suite of important questions about how to manage unwanted thoughts that pop up during the course of the day. Should we let go of the thoughts and focus on the breath? Or should we go back to what we were doing when the thought came up? And, what if the thoughts are disturbing or accompanied by strong emotions? Should we try to let go of them, or should we turn toward them and focus on them?

These are great questions and I want to send a huge thank-you to the listener who sent them to me. Now, let’s get to some answers.

During mindfulness meditation, you focus your attention on the breath. Your breath is the object of your meditation. And, it’s chosen for good reason. The breath is a metaphor for life. It is always cycling, always changing, never the same from moment to moment. It’s also a reliable object. It’s with you wherever you are, whatever you’re doing. I like to coach people to think of the breath as home base, a safe place to retreat to when you need a break. No matter what’s happening, you can always come home and take mindful breath.

But, the breath isn’t the only possible meditation object. Other meditation traditions have you focus on sounds, objects such as candles or drawings, or body sensations other than those caused by the breath. The truth is, you can focus your attention on any object, be it internal or external. The key isn’t the object you choose, but the practice of focusing, and returning your focus to the chosen object whenever you notice it’s wandered. You’ve likely heard me say that this returning of the focus is meditation, it is mindfulness.

This means that daily mindfulness is about focusing on whatever you choose to focus on. If you are reading, you should focus on reading. If you are listening, focus on listening. If you are showering, focus on showering. Basically, do one thing at a time, and place your full attention there.

Of course, when practicing mindfulness, you are also monitoring your internal state of mind. You may be focusing on reading, for example,

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We’re wrapping up the Mindful Communication Series today with a discussion of how to apply NVC to listening. Recall, NVC stands for Non-Violent Communication - a name its creator didn’t like very much. He said he’d prefer a name that describes what the method is instead of what it is not, but the name has stuck.

Last week, we applied NVC to speaking. If you missed it, just go to mindful15.com/nvc.

Let’s begin with a little review of NVC. When we are not in touch with our own needs and feelings, they can get all tangled up and confused resulting in communication that is unclear and ineffective. NVC is a practice that helps you tune in to your needs and feelings and detangle them. It helps you bring mindfulness to your speech. Once you’re clear on what you need and how you feel about that, you can effectively express your needs in an open, honest way.

When listening, NVC coaches you to remember the speaker may not be able to clearly express themselves, because they, too, confuse feelings and needs. They cannot clearly express what they don’t notice about themselves. So, when you listen you need to be a bit of a detective. Search for the four elements of NVC in what you’re hearing and, if you don’t hear them, ask for more information or clarification. NVC’s founder, Marshall Rosenberg calls this empathic listening, because you’re attempting to apply empathy so you can truly understand the speaker.

Recall, the four elements of NVC are:

An objective account of what the speaker observed. Remember, when we report observations, we tend to exaggerate or apply judgment. As a listener, you can ask questions to clarify what the speaker actually observed instead of their opinions about what they observed. In a few minutes, I’ll give you some tips on asking questions effectively.

What the speaker feels about what they’ve observed. This may come through in words, tone of voice, or body language. It can be easy to misunderstand someone’s feelings, though, so it can be helpful to get clarification. 

What needs the speaker has that caused them to feel the way they do. This is the element that most of us find difficult. We often speak from an emotional place before we’ve even stopped to consider what we need. Again, you can ask questions to reveal needs.

The concrete response the speaker wants. The key here is to ensure you are very clear on this point, that’s it is not vague in any way.

How to ask questions

With NVC, you need to be an active listener. You need to ensure that you fully understand the speaker’s observations, feelings, needs, and requests. You have two tools at your disposal: questioning and paraphrasing. Questions can be used to clarify what you don’t understand and to search for further information. It’s critical, though, that your questions come from a non-judgmental place. Your goal must be to empathize, to understand.

What I’m saying here is that, as you listen, you need to be mindful of your own motivations, thoughts, and feelings. There are plenty of behaviours that can disrupt mindful listening. If you listen because you want to interrogate, advise, console, educate, one-up the other person, placate them, patronize them, tell your own stories, explain, correct, or blame, you are not listening to understand. 

You know, that list is so important, I’m going to repeat it. The things you should NOT be doing while practicing empathic listening are:

Interrogating

Advising

Consoling

Educating

One-upping the other person

Placating them

patronizing them

telling your own stories

Explaining

Correcting

Blaming

Personally,

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Welcome to part 3 in our mindful communication series. We’ve already explored how to ensure your speech is kind and helpful and how to listen compassionately. If you missed those episodes you can catch the speech episode at mindful15.com/communication and the listening episode at mindful15.com/listen. 

Today, I’m going to introduce you to Non-Violent Communication also known as NVC, a method created by Marshall Rosenberg. We’ll focus on how to apply NVC to speaking and in the next episode, we’ll apply it to listening.

Before we get to NVC, I have an announcement to make. Starting today, the Mindful15 Podcast will return to a weekly publication schedule. Why? Because you asked for it. We moved to a bi-weekly schedule a few months ago, because I needed some time to create more content for our membership site in the hope of generating enough income to cover expenses. Right now, I pay most of Mindful15’s expenses out of pocket and that’s not sustainable. I didn’t want to ask for donations. I wanted you to get  more for your money, so I created the membership site. But, the income still doesn’t cover expenses, so I am going to add a donation button at mindful15.com. If you like the podcast and are willing to support us, you now have two options. Become a member. There are two membership levels, one at $3 per month and another at $9 per month, or shoot us a few bucks through the donation button. Or, do neither of these, that’s okay too. Rest assured, the Mindful15 Podcast will always be available for free because we really do believe that mindfulness is for everyone!

Marshall Rosenberg didn’t refer to NVC as a mindfulness practice, but I do. Rosenberg wrote, “NVC guides us in reframing how we express ourselves and hear others. Instead of habitual, automatic reactions, our words become conscious responses based firmly on awareness of what we are perceiving, feeling, and wanting. We are led to express ourselves with honesty and clarity, while simultaneously paying others a respectful and empathic attention.” Sounds a lot like mindfulness to me.

The basic premise of NVC is that every time we communicate with someone it’s because we have a need we want fulfilled. Having another person understand what we’re saying isn’t enough. What we really want is to have that person agree to respond in a way that meets our needs. 

The problem is that, much of the time, we’re not skilled at identifying our feelings, and we’re not fully aware of what we need. Even when we know what we need, we don’t necessarily know how to communicate it clearly in a way that doesn’t evoke an automatic emotional reaction in the other person, a reaction that prevents them from meeting our needs. NVC provides a strategy for speaking directly, openly, and honestly in a way that improves the chances of having needs met.

Rosenberg says there are four elements to a successful communication. The first element is to express the objective things we observe that affect our well-being. The trick is to articulate this information without adding in our own judgements and evaluations. 

For example, imagine I see Mike’s dirty dishes on the counter instead of in the dishwasher. If I say to him, “Mike, could you please be considerate and put your dishes in the dishwasher,” I’ve moved way beyond observation by sneaking in an implied judgement: Mike is inconsiderate. Likewise, if I say, “Mike, I’ve told you a million times, put your dirty dishes in the dishwasher!,” my exaggeration also implies judgement. 

NVC coaches me to simply report what I observed, “Mike, I noticed you left your dirty dishes on the counter this afternoon.” That’s it. Why is it necessary to avoid exaggeration, judgement,