Dr. Andrew Weil’s 4-7-8 breath helps you get to sleep more easily and assists in the management of anxiety. Learn how to do it.

 

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This episode is inspired by Thich Nhat Hanh’s advice for managing anger. He recommends that you embrace your anger as you would a tiny, crying baby and offer it your compassion and understanding. You should say to it, “There, there, my little anger. I see you. I notice how much you suffer. It’s okay. I’m here for you. I will take care of you.”

I know to some people this advice sounds silly, but it’s actually both beautiful and wise - which is not surprising given it’s source.

When you’re angry, you’re suffering. You might realize you’re suffering. You may, for example, dislike the physical manifestations of anger, wish for the anger to go away, or even chastise yourself for feeling the way you do. On the flip side, you may relish your anger, using it to fuel a sense of self-satisfaction and self-righteousness that convinces you you’re superior to those with whom you’re angry.

Either way, though, you’re suffering. You’re experiencing unhealthy physical effects such as raised blood pressure and tense muscles. You feel not just the unpleasantness of anger but of secondary negative emotions such as sadness, disgust, and fear. And your anger erects a wall between you and others, especially when it makes you feel sanctimonious. It causes you to abandon compassion in favour of bolstering your sense of being right. 

When you’re unable to feel compassion for those who anger you, you’re unable to see things from their perspective, unable to listen to their concerns, and unable to work with them to create meaningful change. You can only work against them. Most of the time, this kind of us-against-them action doesn’t bear helpful or healthy results. When you work against someone, they typically become defensive and continue to work against you, and you get nowhere.

And, of course, sometimes you might allow our anger to progress to actions that cause others to suffer. In this case, you further damage your relationships, and perhaps cause yourself guilt and remorse, too.

When you notice yourself becoming angry, you need to take care of the anger right away to limit the amount of suffering it causes to both you and others. Notice what I just said. You need to take care of your anger. That is, you need to offer it compassion and understanding.

You are allowed to feel angry. It’s okay that you experience anger. Remember, though, anger is suffering. When you’re suffering, you should do something to help yourself.

Thich Nhat’s Hanh’s recommendation to view anger like a helpless baby puts you in the perspective of a caring parent who will do everything they can to help. First, you notice the anger. Next, you accept it. That means, you allow the anger to be present in you without acting on it, without judging yourself for having it, and without wishing it away. You just let it be.

You can even sit with it in meditation, putting all your awareness on the sensations that anger causes in your body. Perhaps you can notice tension, a quick heartbeat, shaky muscles, or other ways in which the body is affected. Observe them, and allow them to be present.

Also notice, if your anger incites secondary emotions. Perhaps you feel disgusted with yourself. Maybe you feel helpless to manage the anger. Or, you might even feel pleased with yourself or justified in the way you’re reacting to others whom you judge to be bad or wrong. Notice these emotions and reactions without judging them. Just allow them to be present.

You can remind yourself that anger doesn’t have to be a problem. That even though you’re feeling bad right now, you’re okay. You can just sit with the anger and feel compassion toward yourself.

And, yes, you can talk to yourself - out loud or silently, it doesn’t matter.

Sound meditation is a lovely alternative to breath meditation. Learn how to attend to sounds both internal and external to your body.

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Today, we’re going to explore the role of mindfulness in pain management.

I feel it’s important to properly frame this discussion right from the start. I’m about to tell you that pain and suffering are two distinct phenomena, and that it is possible to experience pain without suffering. I want to be clear, though: In no way am I suggesting that your pain is all in your head, or that mindfulness practice will cure your pain. I am not trivializing the pain you may be experiencing, either. Pain can be significant and debilitating. It can cause you to be unable to fully engage with life, and it can be burdensome not just to those who experience it, but to their friends and family members, too.

So, what am I attempting to do in this episode? I want to show you how mindfulness practice can help you handle pain, and I’m going to use some personal examples to illustrate my points. My examples may not measure up to your own experience, but they’re meant as illustrations, not comparisons. The only way to determine whether mindfulness will be helpful to you is to try it for yourself.

The other point I want to make up front is that you should not use mindfulness as a substitute for medical care. If you experience pain, seek medical attention to determine the underlying causes and explore treatment options, then use mindfulness as part of a pain management plan.

Okay, that’s the caveats taken care of. Let’s talk about mindful pain management.

Pain typically involves two types of adversity. First there is the pain itself. Second is the suffering that we inadvertently heap on top of the pain. Feelings of throbbing, stabbing, burning, stinging, etc. are the raw sensations of pain. They range from mild to excruciating, but they’re always unpleasant. Typically, though, we add suffering to the mix in the form of our reactions to the pain. These reactions are wide ranging and include such things as worrying about whether the pain signifies a life-threatening condition, wallowing in self-pity, feeling discouraged about the future, disengaging from activities and people, denying the causes of the pain, or feeling depressed, bitter, angry, and so much more. The reactions cause suffering, and sometimes exacerbate pain, too, because they cause the body to tense up.

Pain and the suffering caused by our reactions to pain don’t have to run together. Let me give you an example. I have chronic foot pain that is sometimes reasonably strong and can inhibit my ability to walk. It took a long time to get a diagnosis, because my doctor was focused only on treating the pain. After a couple of years, I finally convinced him to do some testing and discovered that I’ve got several sprained ligaments in both feet. The doctor told me they won’t heal, but again offered my pain relief, which I again refused. 

He’s quite confused about my “stubbornness” when it comes to pain relief, but I tried to explain to him that much as I don’t enjoy experiencing pain, it isn’t causing me to suffer and no pain relief is necessary. It’s not that I’m trying to be stoic or ignore the pain, but through the application of mindfulness, I am able to experience the pain and let go of any suffering it might otherwise cause me, and mindfulness is helping me make peace with the fact that some days, I cannot go for a walk.

To be clear, I am not suggesting that you should forgo medication or other pain relief methods. If my foot pain gets worse, I will likely take my doctor up on the offer of meds. I’m simply saying that my mindfulness practice has allowed me to handle my current level of pain without the need ...

 

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I’m frequently asked whether it’s okay to teach mindfulness to children and, if so, how to go about it. My answer: Yes, fostering mindfulness in your kids is a fantastic idea! Mindfulness is a coping skill that builds resilience. Everyone, young and old, can benefit from the practice, and the earlier you learn it, the better.

Science backs me up, although it’s important to note that research in this area is in its infancy and most findings need to be replicated. In their review of the current state of research, Greenberg and Harris (1) wrote, “Interventions that nurture mindfulness in children and youth may be a feasible and effective method of building resilience in universal populations and in the treatment of disorders in clinical populations.” The studies they reviewed found benefits such as improved attention span, reduced behavioural problems, reduced anxiety, and better grades and attendance among other things.

How to teach children to be mindful

Be aware that younger children won’t have the attention span necessary to sit in meditation. For preschool children, the American Academy of Pediatrics suggests a few minutes of mindfulness activities per day (2). For children in grade school, they recommend 3 – 10 minutes twice per day, and for teens, 5 to 45 minutes per day. Not only does the Academy encourage parents to do mindfulness exercises with their children, it also recommends that teachers incorporate mindfulness into their lesson plans.

As you introduce mindfulness activities, be mindful of your own attitude. If you invite children to play mindfulness games, you’ll get more interest and cooperation than if you force their participation. Don’t be discouraged if they walk away from an activity or refuse to do it. Try again another day, or try a different activity. And, don’t strive for specific results. Remember, mindfulness practice evolves over time – for adults as well as children. Focusing on any kind of goal is contrary to the practice of meeting whatever comes up in the present with openness and without judgement.

Older children and teens may be able to practice meditation. As always, I recommend starting slowly. Our Meditation Action Plan (which you get free when you sign up for our newsletter), outlines a step-by-step program that begins with just three mindful breaths every day and helps the practitioner create a meditation habit. A child or teenager may not want to read the entire e-book, but you can use the step-by-step plan to coach them to create a practice. 

Some mindfulness activities for children of all ages!

These activities are suitable for young children, but you might like to try them yourself! I personally use all but the balloon breathing myself.

Finger counting

This activity is described fully in Episode 86 which you can find at https://www.mindful15.com/finger. Basically, have the child use the right index finger to trace the outline of the fingers on the left hand as she breathes. As she inhales, she traces up from the outside base of the little finger to the tip of the little finger. As she exhales, she traced down to the inside base of the little finger. Inhale, trace up to the tip of the ring finger. Exhale, trace down to the base of the ring finger, and so on until she reaches the outside of the thumb. That may be enough for a small child. Older children can continue by reversing the trace, moving up from the base to the top of the thumb. You can coach your child to use this method whenever they feel upset or anxious to focus and calm their breathing. Don’t be concerned if they time the tracing incorrectly.

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Wouldn’t it be great to be fearless, to be able to face anything life throws at you? Let me tell you what beloved meditation master Chogyam Trungpa  taught about becoming fearless.

In his book, Shambhala: The Sacred Path of the Warrior, Trungpa wrote, “In order to experience fearlessness, it is necessary to experience fear.” In other words, fearlessness requires becoming mindful of the fear itself. When you fail to acknowledge your fear, he says, you experience cowardice.

What are we so afraid of? Unknowns, really. We feel we’re inadequate to deal with the world around us. We can’t predict the future, don’t know what’s coming next, and we’re scared that whatever comes up will overwhelm our ability to cope.

Most of us move in the opposite direction of facing our fears. We try to shield ourselves. We use alcohol or drugs, do yoga or self-hypnosis, play video games or watch TV, and so on. We engage in restless activity that keeps us busy enough that we don’t notice our fear. We pretend it’s not there so we don’t have to deal with it. When anxiety does come up, we rush to make it go away, in many cases using the same methods we tried to keep it at bay in the first place.

Fearlessness, says Trungpa, requires exposing yourself to feelings of fear, relaxing into them, acknowledging them, and allowing their presence. When you do this, you become aware of your own vulnerability and you begin to notice that underlying your fear is sadness, perhaps a profound sadness. If you can acknowledge the vulnerability and sadness, if you can sit with them and allow them to simply be present in your life, you experience a tenderness of heart that allows you to make peace with fear.

Trungpa said the word fearlessness is not a descriptive word. If you’re fearless, you don’t experience less fear, you move beyond fear. You recognize that it is possible to experience fear and anxiety and still be okay. The fear doesn’t drive you and there’s no need to go to great lengths to avoid or cure fear. You learn that you are not inadequate. You can face the world and you are strong enough to handle fear, you can even thrive in the face of fear.

He also explained how opening yourself up to fear and anxiety helps you connect with others. We all face unknowns, we all to some degree feel anxious about our ability to deal with the future. When you allow yourself to be vulnerable, you can notice other people’s struggles with fear. You can experience more empathy and compassion and build stronger relationships.

Making peace with fear involves applying mindfulness. When you experience anxiety, take some time to just sit with it. Notice what you do when you’re fearful. How you act, how you speak. And notice how anxiety feels in the body. Where it’s located, what sensations arise and how they change moment to moment. Become incredibly curious about your fear and notice it in detail. Notice what feelings and emotions come up. Notice how they fold into one another and change over time. 

As you do this, you might have to remind yourself that you’re okay, that you can tolerate these negative feelings. They’re just feelings. Try to relax into them, even if just a little bit. Let them know that it’s okay for them to be present with you.

If you experience clinical anxiety or if your fear arises from a traumatic experience, you may need some help to apply mindfulness to feelings of anxiety. A mental health practitioner familiar with mindfulness practice can help coach you through this exercise and give you the support you need to face overwhelming emotions. Please,

 

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My first meditation teachers were Zen practitioners who taught me to focus on sensations of breathing as felt in my abdomen. When I trained as a meditation teacher, I was coached to put my attention on the breath at the very tip of the nostrils, the place where the air first touches the body during an inhalation. In some traditions, teachers don’t give any instruction at all in terms of where in the body to sense the breath.

And, there’s more. Some teachers assert that you should gradually alter the breath as you sit so that the in-breath and out-breath are the same length. Others suggest the out-breath should be longer than the in-breath, and others still tell you not to alter the breath in any way.

Buddhist teacher, Thanissaro Bhikkhu says he was encouraged by his teachers to play with the breath. He offers an interesting guided meditation in which he coaches you to notice body sensations as breathe in an out of different quadrants of the abdomen and chest. 

I’ve also tried a form of somatic meditation where I imagined the in-breath coming directly into the lower dan t’ian, which traditional Chinese medicine suggests is an important energy center located in the middle of the abdomen. In that practice, the out-breath was disregarded completely. And currently, I’m reading Shambhala: The Sacred Path of the Warrior by Chogyam Trungpa. He suggests you should put full focus on the outbreath, allowing yourself to diffuse and dissolve with it. Then, the in-breath should happen naturally, all by itself, allowing you to focus on the uprightness of your sitting posture.

So many strategies! Which one is the right one? None of them and all of them.

Zenmaster Thich Nhat Hanh taught me that all meditation is meditation on something. There is always an object of meditation. The truth is, the object doesn’t matter all that much. You could meditate on something you see such as a flower, a flickering candle, or a mandala. You could meditate on something you hear such as a mantra you repeat silently to yourself, or the sounds in your environment. You can meditate on pain, or discomfort, or other body sensations. Or, on emotions, feelings, or thoughts. And, there are forms of meditation, such as open awareness, in which the focus changes regularly depending on what arises in the present moment.

So, if all of these meditation objects are viable, that means that any form of breathing can also become a meditation object. The question remains, though, which one should you choose?

My guided meditations always coach you to “Find a place in the body where you can comfortably and easily notice the sensations of breathing.” I believe this is a good strategy for beginners and something you can continue doing forever. If you choose a strategy that’s easy and comfortable, you’ll find it easier to meditate and you’ll see benefits faster.

The only benefit to choosing a difficult strategy is that it can present a helpful challenge if you’re willing to be persistent and patient. If you stick with something difficult, you may eventually build skills at a deeper level. If the challenge is too strong, however, you may give up and then you’ll be no further ahead. What I’m saying is, leave the challenging stuff for times when you feel you’re up for it.

There’s also some benefit to changing things up periodically or playing with your breath in the way suggested by Thanissaro Bhikkhu. Doing this periodically gives you different perspectives which afford an opportunity to learn new things about yourself.

There are two cautions, though:

* Don’t change things up too often. When you flit from one strategy to another, you don’t ever stick with one thing long enough to fully explore it.

 

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We’re going to delve into some science today. I want to share with you Dr. Antonio Damasio’s Somatic Markers Hypothesis which explains how emotions guide our behaviour. And, why would I do such a thing? Because there’s a punchline to this story and I’ll give it to you right now: Mindfulness provides a mechanism for untangling the link between emotion and behavior. It can help us make healthy changes to the way we react to the world.

Somatic markers are body sensations that become associated with emotions. The rapid heartbeat that arises with anxiety is a somatic marker as is the feeling of hot, flushed cheeks that pops up when you’re embarrassed. Dr. Damasio has shown that such somatic markers have a strong influence on our decision making.

Most of us believe we’re logical decision makers, but science shows us that our decisions are often driven by emotions, sometimes consciously, but often unconsciously. When fast, rationale decisions are required, we must quickly assess the incentive value of the various choices. We use both our cognitive and emotional processes to make this assessment, but when situations are complex or choices conflict, cognition can get overloaded, leaving emotions to guide the decisions.

Where do the somatic markers come in? They can directly drive decisions. Imagine that you once gave a presentation that made you very anxious. Your heart began to race and your palms got sweaty. Without even thinking about it, your body learned to associate a fast heart rate and sweaty palms with anxiety. These body sensations and emotions are somatic markers. In the future, whenever any of these somatic markers pop up, that is whenever your heart begins to beat faster or your palms get sweaty, you will evoke a sense of anxiety and your decisions will quickly slant heavily toward the avoidance of anxiety – whether you’re conscious of this or not.

What makes this process even more powerful is that the somatic markers don’t even need to be present for us to act on them. Dr. Damasio has shown that just imagining the somatic markers can cause us to unconsciously act.

This is an adaptive process. It helps us avoid dangerous or hurtful things quickly, without having to take the time for conscious cognitive deliberation. Unfortunately, though, these quick decisions are not always appropriate or helpful. If your somatic markers strongly drive you to avoid anything that makes you slightly anxious, you may end up avoiding situations that are not particularly dangerous and you’ll have a difficult time overcoming that anxiety, because you’ll always be driven to avoid it. The fear of public speaking is a great example of this.

Clearly, we don’t want to completely subvert the influence of somatic markers on our decision making, but there are situations where it would be incredibly helpful to do so. Here, mindfulness can help. Mindfulness of the body is the practice of becoming aware of body sensations. When you’re aware of body sensations, you can begin to consciously notice somatic markers as they arise. You can see that they’re the markers that lead to behaviours you want to change, behaviours like avoiding public speaking, for example. When you can see the markers, you get a chance to respond to them in a different way.

First, however, you need to uncouple the body sensation from the emotion. If you can notice your heart beat getting faster, you can tell yourself, “It’s just my heart beating faster. I don’t have to do anything about it.” This can take a little courage, but if you can allow yourself to be fully present with the somatic marker without trying to act on it, you will see that it’s not a permanent, implacable thing. With practice, you’ll see that you’re able to handle it,

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Do you tend to drop meditation practice whenever life gets hectic? You’re not alone.

You might know I have a day job as a post-secondary instructor. One of my classes is Mindfulness at Work where, as part of their 15 weeks of coursework, undergraduate students follow my habit-building plan to create a daily meditation habit. (By the way, if you want the plan, just sign up for the Mindful15 Newsletter or become a member of Mindful15.)

The students start with three mindful breaths every day and by the end of the semester, they’re up to 15 minutes of meditation daily. But, there’s a hurdle that often gets in their way. By about week 10, the stress of assignment deadlines and final exams ramps up. At this point, about half of the students report that they’ve stopped meditating, but they “plan to start again after final exams.” The problem is, they will likely struggle to get started again and may well be so discouraged as to drop out of practice altogether.

Why do we drop meditation the minute we’re stressed? In a study of habits and stress, researchers David Neal, Wendy Wood, and Aimee Drolet showed that, in stressful times, we have less willpower and consequently fall back on our strong habits, be they bad behaviours or good ones.

This suggests, if you’re dropping meditation, it’s because meditation isn’t yet a strong habit for you – or that you have other coping habits that are stronger than meditation. That makes sense for my students. Although most of them find it easy enough to follow the habit-building plan, they’ll only have been meditating for 9 weeks or so by time the stressful season rolls around. Their meditation habit isn’t strong enough by that point to be a fallback for them. And, if they’ve always done other things to cope, maybe eating or drinking or sleeping, they’ll fall back on those habits, instead.

But, you say, it only takes 21 days to create a habit, right? Wrong. This myth arose from a misinterpretation of Dr. Maxell Maltz’s research on self-image. Dr. Maltz was a plastic surgeon who noticed that it took his patients about 21 days to get used to their new face after surgery. Maltz wrote that “it requires a minimum of about 21 days for an old mental image to dissolve and a new one to jell,” which really says nothing about habit formation at all.

New research by Philiippa Lally offers evidence that it takes about 66 days for a new behaviour to become automatic, and most importantly, the exact amount of time varies widely from person to person, anywhere from 18 to 254 days in her study!

So now we understand the problem: Just when you’re stressed and need it most, you’ll drop meditation if it isn’t yet a strong enough habit. What’s to be done about that? I have a simple strategy:

Step 1: Notice what’s happening.

Realize that you’re skipping meditation because you feel too stressed or tired or hassled to do it. How do you know this is happening? You’re most likely telling yourself stories like these:

I don’t have time to meditate right now

I’ll do it tomorrow

I’ll start again whenever is over

I’ve just got to get this done, then things will be normal again

Step 2: Let yourself off the hook, but keep practicing.

The most important thing here is to keep the habit alive. You need to continue practicing every day, BUT you only need to do a teeny tiny bit of practice. My recommendation is to take three mindful breaths every day. That’s it. Do that, and then celebrate!

 

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For the past two weeks, I’ve been exploring how to bring more positivity to our lives. In week one of this three-part series, I explained that happiness is the least reliable way to feel positive, but I showed you how to boost it. If you missed it, just hop over to mindful15.com/happiness. Last week, I provided practical exercises for creating joy, which is much more stable than happiness. That episode is at mindful15.com/joy. Today, in the final series episode, I want to explain how to cultivate contentment, possibly the most enduring kind of positivity and the most overlooked.

I saw a great quote on a message board the other day. Fred Maliucci wrote “Happiness is the feeling we get when our mind has a desire met (whether acting, thinking, or dreaming). Contentment is the feeling of not having the desire to begin with.”

To be content is to be satisfied, and it’s possible to be content regardless of what’s happening, or what you have or don’t have. It’s about accepting what is going on in the present moment. Contentment is a state of balance that is not disturbed by desire for something more or different. It’s less temporary than happiness, because instead of being caused by external conditions that come and go (like losing weight, or getting a new phone), it is independent of external conditions.

Peaceful Moment of the Week: Blue Jay in Monica's Backyard

 

Interestingly, contentment promotes happiness, too. Remember, chasing after things to make you happy can cause longing, pining, a sense of dissatisfaction, and even depression and anger. That suffering goes away when you’re feeling content, and you’re left with more time to put your attention on what’s happening in the moment, which gives you more opportunity to notice things that make you happy.

Being content doesn’t mean giving up on dreams or aspirations, either. It simply means that your happiness is no longer dependent on achieving them. It’s about being at peace, not about being complacent.

Contentment also helps you distinguish between wants and needs and avoid greed. When you learn how little it takes to be truly content, you realize that many of the things and experiences you were chasing aren’t necessary. Contentment less burdensome, less time-consuming, and less expensive than endlessly pursing more – and it’s more environmentally friendly, too! It leaves you with more time, money, and energy to pursue personal growth rather than personal possessions.

Practical Ways to Cultivate Contentment

There are two fundamental strategies that help build contentment:

*       Practice living in the present moment.

Essentially, what I’m saying is, “Learn to be mindful.” Mindfulness is the practice of focusing on the present without judging it. The “not judging” part is where the benefit really kicks in. To be mindful is to focus on what’s happening right here, right now as it really is, without layering on judgements, opinions, or beliefs that cause suffering and dissatisfaction. It’s about acknowledging and accepting, which are the essence of contentment, too. (And, no, I don’t mean you need to accept things that are unacceptable like disrespect, violence, etc. For more about what acceptance really means, please check out mindful15.com/acceptance.

This practice requires regular meditation, because it is difficult to simply go out and be a mindful person. Mindfulness is actually contrary to human nature. But, consigning mindfulness to the meditation cushion isn’t enough, either. Meditation is the starting point and the essential practice for maintaining mindfulness long term...