Mindset Mastery with Deirdre Maguire

Do you say yes and regret it straight away? This week on Mindset Mastery Monday, Deirdre and Frank talk about the tiny two-letter word so many of us find almost impossible to say: no.

As always, the conversation goes in all sorts of directions. At its heart is a simple question: how do you answer honestly without upsetting anyone?

Deirdre’s story

Deirdre shares a moment from a family funeral. She hadn’t had a drink in a whole year and was proud of it. Then the “Ah, you will. Go on, you will” started, and in the end she said okay. Inside she was screaming no. Outside she was smiling and saying yes. It’s that “you can’t not” feeling so many of us know: you can’t not go, you can’t not help, you can’t not have one.

“Inside I was screaming no. Outside I was saying yes. That’s the cost of a yes you don’t mean.”

Why it’s the small yeses that wear us down

It’s rarely the big decisions that leave us drained. It’s the small yeses that pile up: the extra job at work, the lift you didn’t have time to give, the committee you never wanted to join. Add them together and you end up tired, stretched and quietly resentful, and then you feel guilty for feeling resentful.

“Every yes you give is a no to something else. Make sure it’s not a no to you.”

Why no feels so hard

We’re wired for belonging. Long ago, being part of the group kept us alive, so a part of our brain can still treat disappointing someone almost like a threat. That tightening in your stomach before you say no isn’t weakness. It’s your brain trying to keep you safe and keep you liked. But the people who truly matter don’t need you to be exhausted to prove you care.

“A kind no is better than a resentful yes.”

The tool: Pause. Check. Choose.

A simple three-step tool you can use at work, at home or on the phone in the car park.

• Pause. Don’t answer straight away. The automatic yes is a habit, and the pause breaks it. Simply say, “Let me come back to you on that.”

• Check. Ask yourself: Do I have the time? Do I have the energy? Does this matter to me, or am I just afraid of letting someone down?

• Choose. You have three good options: a full yes, given freely and gladly; a kind no (“Thanks for thinking of me, but I can’t take that on right now”); or “not that, but this” (“I can’t do Saturday, but I could give you an hour on Tuesday”).

“You’re not being selfish. You’re being honest.”

What it sounds like in real life

• At work. When another project lands on your desk: “I’m happy to help. If I take this on, which of my other priorities should move?”

• The grandparent. When minding the grandchildren has gone from a treat to five days a week: “I love having them. I can do two days, but five is too much for me now.”

• The one everybody leans on. “I’ve done it the last few times. Would somebody else like to take it this year?”

Three things to remember

1. You don’t need a long excuse. A short, kind answer is enough. The more you explain, the more room there is to argue.

2. Buy yourself time. “Let me come back to you” is your best friend.

3. Start small. Practise on something low-stakes before the big conversations.

And if you still feel guilty, that’s normal. The guilt is just the old habit wearing off, and it gets easier every time.

This week’s challenge

The next time somebody asks you for something, don’t answer straight away. Say, “Let me come back to you on that.” Then Pause, Check, Choose. Just once. Notice how it feels to give an answer that’s truly yours.

To take away

“The people who matter will respect an honest no far more than a yes you don’t mean.” (Frank)

“Your yes is precious, so give it where it counts. And when you say no with kindness, you’re not letting anyone down. You’re keeping a promise to yourself.” (Deirdre)

Want to go further?

If you recognise yourself as the one who always says yes, Deirdre can help you find your freedom. Visit deirdremaguire.com to find out more.

This is my first Mindset Mastery Monday back since I travelled to Hawaii to be with my dear friend Jeff.

And Jeff has now died.

Coming home has made the reality of that hit me in a completely different way.

I went halfway around the world to be there with him, and I'm enormously grateful that I did.

But now I'm home.

And I'm learning how to be in the world without Jeff in it.

There have been moments of enormous sadness. And there have also been moments of enormous gratitude.

And that's what I want to talk about this morning.

Because I've realised something:

I am grieving because Jeff is gone.
 And I am grateful because Jeff was here.

Both are true. I don't have to choose one.

There's a beautiful expression in Irish:

Tá brón orm.

We usually translate it as “I am sorry.” But literally it is closer to:

“Sadness is on me.”

And I love that distinction. Because it doesn't say: I AM sadness.

It says sadness is upon me. It's something I'm experiencing.

And if something is upon me, it can move. It can change. It can lift.

That doesn't mean forgetting the person. It doesn't mean the love disappears.

The feeling is not the whole of who I am.

One of the great lessons from Anthony de Mello is learning to observe what we're experiencing without turning the experience into our identity.

Instead of “I am devastated,” we can begin to notice: “There is devastation here.”

Instead of “I'm broken,” we might say: “I'm experiencing heartbreak.”

That's not just playing with words. It's creating a little space between you and the emotion you're experiencing.

Because emotions move. Grief moves. It comes in waves.

Sometimes you can be laughing and then, seemingly from nowhere, you're crying. A photograph. A song. A place. A memory. And suddenly the sadness is back.

That doesn't mean you're going backwards. It means you loved someone.

We're often uncomfortable around grief. We want to make someone feel better.

We say: “Stay strong.” “Keep yourself busy.” “They wouldn't want you to be sad.”

But grief isn't a problem that needs to be solved.

When it hurts, let it hurt.

Feel it. Don't build a house there. But don't run from it either.

There's another idea I've been thinking deeply about since coming home:

The lowest point can become a doorway to your highest self.

We don't always understand the value of darkness while we're in it. But sometimes it is in the absence of light that we discover how to become the light.

The human mind naturally seeks comfort. But growth often asks something different of us.

Life contains contrast:

Darkness and light.
 Sorrow and joy.
 Breaking and rebuilding.
 Grief and gratitude.

We don't become whole by experiencing only the emotions we like.

Wholeness means allowing ourselves to experience all of being human without abandoning ourselves in the difficult moments.

You can miss someone desperately and smile at a wonderful memory.

You can cry because someone is gone and feel incredibly lucky that your lives crossed at all.

You can wish things had been different and be profoundly grateful for what actually was.

That's not denial. That's not forced positivity. That's emotional wholeness.

Most of us believe certainty will make us feel safe.

We replay conversations,

check our phones,

worry about the people we love

and mentally rehearse every possible outcome.

But worrying does not give us certainty. It makes us suffer before anything has even happened.

We don’t need to trust that everything will always go our way.

We need to trust that we can meet whatever happens and take the next step.

Three examples

1. The unanswered message: You send a message, receive no reply and immediately assume something is wrong.

2. The people you love: You worry about a child or grandchild and try to solve a future problem before it has even happened.

 3. The uncertain outcome: You are waiting for medical results, news about money or a decision at work—and your mind jumps straight to the worst conclusion. Catastrophising!

The Science .

1.We're all wired to try and survive .

2.The brain does this by predict and protect,

3. Yet the very nature of life is uncertainty,

That’s the paradox, the conflict.

Life is uncertain, but as a human being, we're always trying to find certainty, and that creates suffering.

So if you’re preoccupied trying to figure it out Its understandable but not serviceable.

So we have to practice trusting

EVEN THOUGH we don't know what the future looks like if I trust I will handle it then my today / my now will have a better quality .

The teaching — TRUST in the palm of your hand!

· T — Tomorrow: I cannot predict or control tomorrow.

· R — Release: Release the need to know everything now.

· U — Uncertainty: Uncertainty is a natural part of life.

· S — Self-trust: I can handle whatever comes.

· T — Trust life: Life has my back. I will figure it out.

Five fingers. Five letters. TRUST is always in the palm of your hand.

What you can do

· Notice when your mind has raced into the future.

· Hold up one hand and slowly spell

· T-R-U-S-T.

· Take whatever practical action is available today.

· Release the part you cannot control.

· Say: “I don’t need to know everything now. I trust myself to handle the next step.”

Central message

What you repeatedly focus on, rehearse and emotionally engage with becomes easier for your brain to notice and repeat.

The brain's 'algorithm'

· Your brain works a little like a social-media algorithm: what you repeatedly engage with, it becomes more likely to show you again.

· Practise annoyance and your mind becomes quicker at finding annoyance.

· Replay resentment and your mind becomes more alert for further evidence that you have been wronged.

· In simple terms: what you practise, you strengthen.

Three brain systems involved

· Salience network - decides what matters and deserves your attention.

· Default mode network - repeats familiar stories about you, your life and other people.

· Reward system - learns which experiences feel significant and are worth seeking or repeating.

· When anger is repeatedly rehearsed, the brain gets the message: This matters. Remember it. Look for more of it.

An important distinction

· Anger is not wrong. It can carry useful information and show us that a boundary has been crossed.

· The difficulty begins when we repeatedly replay the anger long after the original moment has passed.

· The answer is not fake positivity, denying your feelings or forcing gratitude.

The three-minute reset

· Set a timer for one minute.

· Name things you already have in your life that you genuinely appreciate.

· Say why you appreciate each one.

· Pause briefly and allow yourself to feel the appreciation.

· Repeat for three one-minute rounds - three minutes in total.

Why the feeling matters

· This is not about mechanically reciting a gratitude list.

· The pause allows your mind and body to register the good experience.

· You are teaching your brain: This matters too. Remember this. Look for more of this.

· Over time, your mind can become better at noticing what is good, supportive and working - not only what is wrong.

Have you ever wondered why everyone agrees that “someone should do something”—yet nothing ever changes? 

The Problem

• Everyone sees the problem, but everyone waits for somebody else. 
• We complain privately instead of communicating openly. 
• The most dependable person ends up carrying everything. 
• Exhaustion eventually becomes frustration or resentment. 
• Personal development can become personal blame: “I should cope better.” 

Practical Examples

Grandparents and childcare

• Occasional help gradually becomes expected. 
• School collections, holidays and last-minute requests. 
• Grandparents love their family but feel exhausted or taken for granted. 
• Afraid to set limits in case they appear selfish. 
• No blame: parents may also face work and childcare pressures. 
• “I don’t want to help” is different from “I cannot continue helping in this way.” 
• Love is not measured by how exhausted you are. 

Caring for ageing parents

• One family member becomes the main carer. 
• Shopping, appointments, prescriptions, bills and constant telephone calls. 
• They feel guilty despite already doing everything they reasonably can. 
• Other relatives say, “Let me know if you need anything,” without taking ownership. 
• You can love someone deeply and still find caring exhausting. 
• Responsibility asks: “What can I reasonably do?” 
• Guilt demands: “Why can’t I do everything?” 

Workplace example

• Several people are overwhelmed but each thinks they are personally failing. 
• Everyone works longer and tries to become more resilient. 
• The real problem may be an unmanageable workload or poor system. 
• When everyone has the same struggle, it may be a shared problem—not several personal failures. 

The Three-Step Solution

See It

• What have we accepted as normal? 
• What is no longer working? 

Say It

• Begin a calm, honest conversation. 
• Explain the problem without blaming or attacking. 

Share It

• Agree on one practical next step. 
• Give someone clear ownership of a responsibility. 
• Move from ME to WE. 

Weekly Challenge for this week 

• Identify one arrangement that is no longer working. 
• Begin one honest conversation. 
• Ask someone to share one practical responsibility. 

Closing Quote

“A strong family is not one where one person carries everything. 

It is one where nobody has to carry everything ”

What do you think creates genuine confidence?

·    A. Being naturally outgoing?

·    B. Knowing everything will work out?

·    C. Taking action and discovering you can handle what happens?

*Confidence isn’t the absence of fear. 

It is self-trust in the presence of fear.*

THE PROBLEM = THE CONFIDENCE TRAP

1.We wait to feel confident, ready or certain before acting.

2.Because we don’t act, we create no new evidence.

3.Without evidence, confidence cannot grow.

Ask: What if the experience is what makes us ready?

1.Action creates  evidence.

2.Evidence creates self trust.

3.Self trust creates momentum.

THE FLEADH — PROOF IN ACTION

Belfast hosted the Fleadh last week for the first time.

People didn’t necessarily feel confident before arriving. 

Participation created connection. Connection created confidence.

Now Belfast can carry that confidence and momentum forward.

HOW MOMENTUM GROWS

One small action → evidence → self-trust → easier next action → momentum

Every action says: “I showed up. I tried. I handled it.”

 Now we have Momentum! Now we are on a roll! 

THE THREE-STEP SOLUTION

Keep it simple • Make it practical • Take the next step

1.     STOP WAITING TO FEEL COMPLETELY READY

Nervousness may simply mean this is new, this matters, I am growing.

Replace: “Do I feel confident enough?”

With: “Is this important enough to take one step?

2. KEEP ONE SMALL PROMISE TO YOURSELF

1.  Make the call. Send the email. Walk for 15 minutes. Work for 20 minutes.

2.  Each time you follow through, you teach your mind: “I can rely on myself.”

Every promise you keep strengthens your relationship with yourself.

3. RECOGNISE THE EVIDENCE—THEN BUILD ON IT

Don’t dismiss success as luck or ‘nothing.’

Ask: What did this prove about me?

Ask: What would I do today if I trusted myself just 10% more?

Take the next action while the evidence is still fresh.

 Freedom CHALLENGE — NEXT 24 HOURS

Choose ONE small, specific action.

Complete it within 24 hours.

Record the evidence: “I showed up. I acted. I handled it.”

CLOSING 

“Confidence begins with one step. Momentum begins when you choose to take another.”

The familiar problem

We hear—and sometimes repeat—phrases like:

· I’m too old to start again.

· I’m past all that now.

· People my age don’t do things like that.

· I’d look ridiculous.

· It’s too late for me.

We gradually exclude ourselves from our own lives.

The Teaching Age—or attitude?

Age is real. Our bodies change.

Not about denial

Attitude asks a different question:

am I adapting—or am I disappearing?

Am I making a wise choice, or am I using my age to avoid living?

“I’m at a certain stage of life,” as though life has been divided into sections—

Every stage is life!

3 attitude shifts that keep us alive

1. Keep doing things for the first time

A class, learn something, go somewhere different, make a new friend or say yes to an invitation. A first experience tells your mind: “My life is still expanding.”

2. Stop rehearsing your age

Notice “At my age…” as a reason to shrink. Replace it with: “What might be possible for me at this age?”

What if you are finally experienced enough, wise enough and free enough.

3. Stay interested in life

Ask questions. Meet people. Make plans. Laugh. Learn. Contribute. Put something in the diary that you are looking forward to. The goal isn’t to pretend to be younger. The goal is to remain fully alive.

Ask yourself:

“If my age wasn’t allowed to make this decision, what would I choose?”

Then do one small thing that makes you feel alive:

· Wear the outfit.

· Make the phone call.

· Book the class or plan the trip.

· Put on the music.

· Say yes to the invitation.

· Begin again.

Not to prove anything—but to remind yourself that you are still here and your life is still happening.

My Closing Quote

Getting older is not evidence that life is leaving us. It is evidence that we have been given more life.

Whatever stage you are at, don’t stand outside your own life waiting for a better part to begin. This is life. It is precious, and it is happening now. How you meet it, value it and live it is up to you.

We Were Never Meant to Walk Alone

One of the greatest lessons I brought home from walking the Camino wasn’t about the miles or even reaching Santiago. It was about people.

There were 29 women on our Camino. Most of us had never met before. We came from different backgrounds, different careers, different stages of life.

Yet within just one week, we had become a genuine community.

Not because we all agreed on everything.

Not because we had known each other for years.

But because we chose to walk together.

We encouraged one another. We waited for one another. We celebrated one another. We laughed together, cried together and quietly carried each other through the tougher moments.

It made me realise something profound.

We often think community is something we have to find.

The Camino taught me that community is something we create.

Every day we have a choice.

Will I walk past people, or will I notice them?

Will I criticise, or will I encourage?

Will I think only about myself, or will I ask, “How can I make someone else’s day a little easier?”

On the Camino, nobody was interested in job titles or status.

People asked, “How are your feet?”

“Are you okay?”

“Do you need anything?”

For a little while, strangers became villagers.

And I think that’s a lesson our world needs right now.

If 29 women who had never met before could become a caring, supportive community in just seven days, imagine what could happen in our families, workplaces, churches and neighbourhoods if each of us decided to become that kind of person.

So here’s my Mindset Mastery challenge for this week.

Don’t spend your time looking for your village.

Be the villager.

Smile first.

Say hello first.

Offer encouragement.

Notice the person who might otherwise feel invisible.

And before you go to bed each night, ask yourself one simple question:

“What kind of villager was I today?”

Because villages aren’t found.

They’re created—one act of kindness at a time.

Have you ever experienced a coincidence that was so extraordinary… you still can’t explain it today?

Perhaps you met exactly the right person…

Missed a flight…

Took a different road home…

Or something happened that completely changed the direction of your life.

MY TESCO STORY

A young man was scanning my shopping.

He looked outside and said,

‘It’s such a lovely day… and I’m stuck in here all day.’

‘If I could give you one piece of information that might change the way you see today… would you take it?’

‘You are exactly where you’re supposed to be.’

So I explained…

Maybe you’re not missing the sunshine.

Maybe the reason you’re here today…

As I walked back to my car…

I suddenly smiled.

But proof that supported my belief that life often gives us exactly what we need…

exactly when we need it.”

THE TEACHING

There’s a beautiful quote that says…

“Coincidence is God’s way of remaining anonymous.”

Whether you believe in God…

The Universe…

Fate…

Synchronicity…

Or simply the power of human connection…

isn’t really the point.

The point is this…

We all choose a belief system.

And whatever we believe…

our brain starts collecting evidence to support it.

If I believe life is against me…

I’ll notice problems.

If I believe life is teaching me…

I’ll notice lessons.

If I believe every challenge is helping me grow…

I’ll begin to grow.

So perhaps the better question isn’t…

“Is this belief true?”

Perhaps the better question is…

“Is this belief helping me live with greater peace andfreedom?”

THE PROBLEM People ask 

“Why is this happening to me?”

It keeps us looking backwards…

instead of forwards.

 THE SOLUTION

don’t ask,

“Why me?”

Walk yourself through these four Freedom STEPS.

S — What is this SHOWING me?

What can I see now that perhaps I couldn’t see before?

T — What is this TEACHING me?

Every experience carries a lesson…

if we’re willing to learn it.

E — How can this EMPOWER me?

How can I use this experience to become wiser…stronger…

more compassionate

P — What is this PREPARING me for?

Sometimes life develops us…

before it delivers to us.

We live in a world chasing more.

o More success.

o More followers.

o More productivity.

o More achievement.

o But are we actually happier?

o Or are we lonelier than ever?

· The Problem

· Many people are successful on paper but lonely in real life.

· We are more connected than ever through phones and social media.

· But connection online is not always real connection of the heart.

· We have convenience, but less conversation.

· We have contacts, but fewer close friends.

The Evidence
•Loneliness is now recognised as a major wellbeing issue.
•The World Health Organization has reported that around one in six people worldwide experiences loneliness.

•Poor social connection is compared  to smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day.

•Research shows people with strong relationships have around a 50% greater likelihood of long-term survival.

The Mindset Shift
•Inspired by Simon Sinek’s principle:
oIf you want a friend, be a friend.
•Instead of asking:
oWho hasn’t phoned me?
oWho forgot me?
oWho is there for me?
•Ask:
oWho can I phone?
oWho can I encourage?
oWho can I celebrate?
oWho can I serve?
Friendship as Service
•Friendship is an act of service.
•Service is love in action.
•It is not people-pleasing.
•It is not exhausting yourself.
•It is showing another human being:
oI see you.
oI hear you.
oI’m glad you’re here.
•In 12-step recovery, Step 12 is service.
•Help someone who is feeling today the way you once felt.
•When you help someone you often strengthen yourself.
•Sometimes the words you give someone else are the very words your own heart needs to hear.
Three-Step Call to Action
1. Say Hello
•Speak to someone you would normally walk past.
•Smile first.
•Start one small conversation.
2. Reach Out
•Phone or message one friend.
•Don’t wait for them to contact you.
•Let someone know you were thinking about them.
3. Serve
•Encourage one person.
•Celebrate someone’s success.
•Help someone facing something you understand.
•Ask:
oWho can I help today?