Mindset Mastery with Deirdre Maguire

For today’s topic I want to discuss the inner vs outer world.

The tension between the inner self and outer self is common in today’s society with the likes of social media etc.

Each of us is tugged in multiple directions every day and our actions and behaviors do not always align with our core values as a result.

However, becoming aware of your inner self and how it balances with your outer self is the foundation for good mental, physical, and spiritual health.

This is why it is an important aspect to consider when working on a good balance in your life.

The Outer Self

Occasionally, it proves beneficial to present a different outer self to the world than what we experience on the inside. Most of us evaluate the pros and cons of revealing our true emotions depending on each situation.

Our outer self is the image we present to the world, and we usually strive to shape it positively. However, issues arise when this becomes habitual, overshadowing our genuine feelings.

The outer self is primarily concerned with the material things, like appearance (e.g., hair, clothes, accessories) as well as the groups we belong to, the partner we have or the personas we portray on social media etc. Or maybe we shy away completely, without the necessary social interactions.

This external world can be demanding, often leaving little time for you to consider whether what is taking place on the outside of your life matches what you ultimately desire on the inside. 

The Inner Self 

The inner self is what can't be seen: our feelings, values, beliefs, personality, thoughts, emotions, intuition, fantasies, spirituality, desires, and purpose.

A strong inner self means that you cope well with your emotions, are self-aware, have clarity and a good sense of your values, and feel you have a purpose in life. It also means that you are able to remain calm and resilient in the face of adversity from the outer world.

Conflict Between The Inner and Outer Self

Problems begin when the inner self and outer self are out of balance.

In its simplest terms: you think one thing but do anotherOften, this conflict arises due to spending too little time considering your inner self.

How much of the time are you "running on empty," just struggling to get through the demands of the day, without considering whether your actions and behaviors are in line with your inner self?

The conflict between the two selves can result in stress, which makes you more vulnerable to illness. Your daily functioning may also be affected. You may feel successful on the outside but empty on the inside.

A classic example of conflict between the inner and outer self can be seen in a person who works in a high-stress corporate job, wearing a facade of confidence and ambition in the workplace (outer self) while secretly harboring a desire to pursue a more creative and fulfilling career in the arts (inner self).

This individual may struggle with the tension between societal expectations and their own authentic aspirations, leading to inner turmoil and a constant battle between what they present to the world and what they truly yearn for on the inside.

Another example of conflict between the inner and outer self is a person who outwardly maintains a happy and confident persona in their social life, often seen as the life of the party, but internally battles with depression and loneliness.

This individual may feel pressured to keep up the appearance of cheerfulness, concealing their true emotions and vulnerabilities from friends and family due to fear of stigma or rejection. This conflict between the outer persona of happiness and the inner struggles with mental health can lead to a profound sense of isolation and inner turmoil.

As the current air traffic control situation causes ongoing delays - I am prompted to offer some support when faced with an unexpected challenge that is out of our control, such as this.

There are many decisions that you must make throughout the course of a day. Whether you're deciding what clothes to wear, which activities to do, or which people to see, life consists of constant decision-making at pretty much every moment.

Although you can make choices and plans for life, no one can ever be prepared for the unexpected. When these unexpected situations add up, it’s easy to become overly anxious and feel as if your life is out of control.

In life, there are many things out of our control.

Some things are easier to deal with, like a flat tyre or your child forgetting their lunch. But there are those out-of-control situations in life that loom so large they overwhelm you. These situations may last for months or even years, such as losing a job, the end of a relationship or an ongoing injury.

How do you cope with the stress of these out-of-control situations?

Feeling like you have no control when a situation is affecting your life in such a profound way can be really difficult to cope with.

When these situations build, it can take you to a breaking point and ultimately have a huge impact on your overall health and wellbeing.

But before you get to that point, you have to find a way to let go.

You have to accept that this is happening, or has happened, and that there will be a future beyond this, as long as you're still alive.

It's an easy thing to say, particularly in hindsight.

But logically, if you think about it, this is the only way to move on and give yourself a chance at being happy.

We can't always see the woods for the trees, which is absolutely understandable.

But how much of your mental stability you invest in trying to control a situation you can't control is up to you.

So really, when you think about it, there is something that you can control here.

You can control how much you let this situation control you.

Like I say to my clients -

“The Solution To Every Problem Is The Same,

How Can I Look At This Differently?”

We don't get to control every aspect of life.

Indeed, some could put forth a very good argument that we don't control anything really.

But we can control how much we let something affect us.

The mind is very powerful and it takes a lifetime to learn to tame it. This is part of our personal growth journey.

Are you feeling good, ready for the week ahead?

Or maybe you’re feeling overwhelmed/anxious with a huge to-do list this week. Then you’ve got to apply for that course, so that you can set up that business idea, in order to earn a higher income and have a better life?! Don’t forget you want to travel the world, meet a partner and start a family too !

Sound familiar?

We all want and need to set ourselves goals of course. We as humans have things to do and responsibilities to take care of. A huge part of our being is to grow and evolve - but by embracing present moment awareness and concentrating on one single task at a time, we will enhance our focus, minimise the overwhelm and strengthen the connection between effort and outcome.

We’ve all heard about the power of now. The brilliant spiritual teacher Ram Dass famously said “be here now” 50 years ago. Yet most of us don’t truly understand the gift of presence. We live in a fast-paced, technology-filled world with numerous distractions at our fingertips. Smartphones, iPads and Netflix constantly trigger us to ignore the moments in front of us – this moment right here and right now. The stresses of work-life balance and emotional struggles like depression and anxiety can make us want to retreat into a make-believe world.

It takes strength and focus to be able to feel the gift of presence in your life.

But when you realise that your presence is the greatest gift – not only for your friends and family, but for yourself – you gain the power to shape your life experience. Every time you make the decision to have a clear mind and an open heart, you’re embracing the true meaning of the gift of presence.

The gift of presence meaning is defined by more than physical presence. We can all think of times when we were “there” physically, but our minds were elsewhere. True presence means that you are deeply, mentally invested in the situation at hand. You are experiencing the entire moment: the temperature, the sounds, the smells and the sights. You are deeply engaged with the people around you or with your activity – and that doesn’t include watching TV or playing on your phone.

Your presence is the greatest gift you can give to your loved ones – not flowers or toys. When it comes to your partner, your family and your loved ones, you need to be here now. Love and connection are two of our highest human needs, and the gift of presence is the only thing that can truly fulfill them.

Your presence is the greatest gift, because this very second is the only thing that’s real.

The future is imaginary; it hasn’t happened yet. The past is a memory, and memories are just emotions.

Give yourself the gift of presence, and learn to fully experience life instead of just remembering it or comparing it to someone else online.

Real presence is how you keep the spark alive in a relationship. It’s how you show support to your partner. It’s how you build healthy, lasting relationships with your children. A child might not remember what they got each year for Christmas but they will remember the fun traditions, the laughter or the times they felt so loved.

Life is full of distractions, and this is by no means an easy task but the more present you can become, the more peaceful and fulfilled your life will be.

Yesterday I was having a chat with a family member who had said something in a group that she wished she hadn’t, a silly mistake – and it was eating her up ! You know that feeling ?!

We’ve all felt it: That sinking feeling in the pit of our stomachs when we make a mistake. When we let someone down or when we don’t uphold the commitments we’ve made. It’s called guilt – and if you’re overcome by this powerful emotion, you’re overdue for a lesson on how to stop feeling guilty.

A little guilt can actually be good; It regulates our behaviour, keeping us in line with what we feel is acceptable and the person we want to be.

 WHY do we feel guilty?

The reasons people feel guilty (and the amount of guilt they feel) vary widely from person to person.

Generally, we feel guilty when we break the ‘rules’ – either the rules of society or our own personal code of ethics. For one person, that could mean breaking plans with a friend at the last minute. For another, it could mean stealing, cheating or worse.

The amount of guilt we feel is likely based on both “nature” (genetics) and “nurture” (the way we were raised). No matter how much guilt you feel or the reasons why, understanding how to stop feeling guilty begins with a set of actions you can take starting today.

We are all human and we will make mistakes. We’re far from perfect, but most of us don’t need to go through life feeling burdened by guilt.

Here’s how to overcome guilt and start practicing acceptance of yourself and others.

STEP 1. REFLECT AND ACKNOWLEDGE

Begin by acknowledging the feeling of guilt and its source. Reflect on the specific actions or decisions that led to this emotion. Understanding the root cause is crucial in addressing and resolving the guilt.

STEP 2. ASSESS INTENT VS. IMPACT

Evaluate whether your actions were genuinely intentional or if they were a result of circumstances beyond your control. Sometimes, guilt stems from unintended consequences, and recognising this distinction can provide perspective.

STEP 3. TAKE RESPONSIBILITY

If your actions indeed led to harm or transgression, taking responsibility is key. Apologise and make amends where possible. By doing so, you demonstrate accountability and a willingness to rectify the situation.

STEP 4. LEARN AND GROW

Transform guilt into a learning opportunity. Consider the lessons you can derive from the experience. This shift in perspective can help you make better decisions in the future and foster personal growth.

STEP 5. PRACTICE SELF-COMPASSION

Treat yourself with the same kindness and empathy you would offer to a friend. Remember that everyone makes mistakes, and harbouring guilt excessively can be counterproductive. Instead, focus on self-improvement and the positive actions you can take moving forward.

By following these steps, you can work towards releasing the grip of guilt and fostering a healthier emotional state. Remember that progress may take time, so be patient and persistent in your efforts.

“Guilt can either hold you back from growing, or it can show you what you need to shift in your life.”

Have a great week ?