Introduction
“A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.” — Irina Dunn, 1970
I heard about the movement of decentering men on TikTok. With zero expectations, I decided to try it out for a month. It was October 2025. I was sick of dating apps and about to publish my second book. I’d been single for three years, but this was something different. I’m here to tell you everything about it and share all the reasons why I’m never going back.
I wrote this article to give us, women, a blueprint for how to be the main character in our own lives. Our mothers and grandmothers couldn’t teach us this; they depended on men (financially) to survive, and had to center them accordingly. This article is not about hating men; it’s about unlearning the ways that the patriarchy has trained us to prioritize making men happy. This pressure comes just as much from the women in our lives (aunties, influencers, our mother), as from men. After all, it was my mother who let my brother get away with never doing the dishes after dinner.
Starting this process for the first time scared me. I was worried that if I stopped trying to date men, I was giving up on my dream of becoming a mother. Yet as I began to decenter men, I realized that my idea of motherhood was purely a fantasy. Facing the reality of motherhood, those statistics scared me much more. In this article, I will cover everything I’ve learned from the internet, economists, and my own experience, so that you can decide whether decentering men and trying it for a month to start is right for you. Let’s begin!
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What does it mean to decenter men?
Decentering men means focusing on our own needs, desires, and dreams rather than prioritizing men’s feelings or validation. We believe our needs matter just as much as a man’s needs. We take our dream jobs, move to our dream city, and live fully without waiting to be “chosen.” If we do want a relationship, we believe the right man will support us in being our fullest selves. We are complete without a man, marriage, or motherhood, and our life choices, careers, and bank accounts reflect that. We respect other women’s decisions without judging them harshly either way.
In our lives, we can decenter men in big ways, such as by staying single forever, or small ways, such as following feminist creators on Instagram over trad wives. We seek content that promotes our right to choose, not content about women being controlled or subservient to husbands. It’s okay to want marriage and babies, but decentering men helps us see our people-pleasing tendencies and assess whether we’re getting a good deal. We only give what we are able and willing to give.
Why did I start decentering men?
I started decentering men just before I turned 31; the same age my mum was when she gave birth to me and became financially dependent on my dad forever. I had been living independently, yet, like many women, I felt that constant, sneaky, underlying pressure to “find a man” so I could have babies one day. The “manxiety” haunted me from coffee shops to house parties to bars (all the meet-cute spots). I’d built an amazing life for myself, and was about to birth my second book into the world. Yet, deep down, I believed I wasn’t enough without the stamp of some dude’s approval. I listened to Raye, wondering what the hell was taking my husband so long to find me. I had swiped through a million men (probably) in my dating app “career.” But as my thumbs ached, I considered a new possibility:
“What if I just…gave up? Well, not forever. Maybe I can just give up trying to find a partner for a month and see what happens.”
So that’s what I did.
How to Decenter Men while in a Relationship
Negotiate a Better Deal
“I can’t mop the floor with my uterus.” — Professor Corinne Low, Having It All
For women in a heterosexual relationship, centering your man can have devastating consequences. Of course, it’s okay to care about your man, but you still need to take your own feelings and needs just as seriously as his.
In her book Having It All, Dr. Corinne Low, professor of Economics at The Wharton School, points out that while women have gained economic and job equality since the 1970s, men have not faced similar pressure to take on household and childcare chores equitably. This leaves many heterosexual women with two full-time jobs: their day job and housework (plus childcare). The reality is shocking: “Women in heterosexual marriages who are the primary breadwinners do almost twice as much cooking and cleaning as their male spouses” (Low, 2025). Gay and lesbian couples do not face the same inequities in the home, by the way. It’s gender-based b******t.
Low challenges us to ask ourselves, “Am I getting a good deal?” Essentially, in your relationship, are your needs prioritized as much as your male partner’s? This could mean advancing your career, getting enough leisure and sleep, balancing household chores, protecting your happiness and wellbeing, managing commute time, and maintaining social support. The list goes on, and Professor Low wants to make sure you are not just happy, but ideally optimizing your personal utility on what matters most to you. She suggests you plan time in your schedule for leisure, whatever brings you the most long-term joy and fulfillment. Is it a massage? Brunch with the gals?
To test this, Low suggests asking yourself: if you got a job opportunity in a different city that would give you a 50% pay increase, but it required your partner to take a 20% pay cut, how would you decide whether to move? A woman decentering men would advocate for moving. Or if one of your kids is sick, how do you decide who stays home? Decentering means demanding a balanced household.
Please, whatever you do, don’t give up your apartment that’s a 15-minute commute to your work because your male partner is quitting his job and going on a “find-himself” sabbatical. Don’t get spun up in his chaos. And if you find yourself wondering whether to prioritize your career or your husband’s, Low encourages us to imagine that the gender roles were flipped. Would he ever give up his apartment for your sabbatical?
If your male partner remains useless around the home, and you’re sick of your job, commute, and living situation,
“It might be time to renegotiate the deal.” (Low, 2025)
Send this to a friend whose partner needs to do more chores 👀
How to Decenter Men while Single
* Pick your starting time frame.
I recommend giving it a month to see how it goes. You can always extend if you’re enjoying it.
* Prioritize yourself and your close friends.
Delete the apps and stop dating. Decentering men means not trying to find a partner at all. For example, I stopped flirting with the random guys at parties, hoping they’d sleep with me. Instead, I’d catch up with the person I came with and deepen my female friendship. If a man talks to you at a bar, that’s fine, as is getting introduced by friends. But you’re not putting yourself out there. You can still prioritize platonic friendships with men, the gays, and the theys.
You can also dress in a way that doesn’t revolve around the male gaze, because you no longer give a f**k. Wear what makes you feel happy, exuberant, comfortable, and loving your life. Try to disentangle what you think you should wear to please men versus what you actually want to wear. It’s a thornier topic that I’ve written about before, but it’s worth paying attention to.
* Prioritize your schedule and your needs.
In a life where your needs matter, prioritize your gym classes, sleep schedule, mental health, self-love, and prep time for work meetings. This is easier said than done, because if your life has been anything like mine, you may struggle to identify your needs. Growing up as the eldest of four children, I rarely owned anything that was just mine, and I internalized that my needs didn’t matter. Three years of therapy and two years of regular ACA meetings, a 12-step program for Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families, have helped me learn to identify my needs and believe they matter (and that’s improved my self-esteem).
Decentering men is about respecting your own time, energy, and space, not bending over backwards and screwing up your night of sleep for someone who probably sucks and won’t commit. Noticing our feelings is crucial; they alert us when our needs are being compromised or boundaries are crossed.
Try to do regular feelings check-ins: “What am I feeling right now?” You can and should be feeling multiple things at any given time. Use a feelings wheel to identify your emotions in the moment, or even do a needs check-in: “What do I need right now?” I could write a whole other article about this, but if you’re interested in learning more, I recommend reading The Loving Parent Guidebook. The book will teach you how to be your own loving parent, including things like:
“An inner loving parent can remind us that we don’t need to strive. We are already enough.”
* Talk about anything else.
The world is a wild and wonderful place. You could talk about getting that bag, your dream holiday to Alaska, world domination plans, or perfecting your lemon cake recipe. Personal growth comes in many forms. Instead, you’re ruminating again about your inconsistent, alcoholic, man-child situationship. Your friends are probably bored of hearing about this walking piece of trash, but they’re just too nice to tell you!
When I was younger, I used to like getting all excited with my female friends about whoever in high school we were trying to kiss. Now I’m just sick of it. I have left women’s groups and avoided people hung up on literal losers. Do yourself a favor: notice what percentage of your time you spend talking about men. Then…stop talking about them and talk about anything else instead. It’s more interesting, and your friends will thank you for it later. Trust me!
* Meet the humans in front of us.
Many of us were raised to put men on a pedestal. For example, if I met a hot guy, I’d give him tons of attention and make him feel as comfortable as possible, while building a fantasy that he’d solve my not-enoughness. Decentering men means seeing them as the flawed humans they are. Fantasies be gone. This means chatting briefly with a hot guy, thinking nothing of it, and moving on without letting him disrupt your foundation.
The ACA problem spoke to me: “[We] became addicted to excitement in all our affairs, preferring constant upset to workable relationships.” I’d get hooked on men who responded to texts inconsistently, mistaking anxiety for butterflies. Instead, as we decenter men, we can focus on one ACA promise: “We will choose to love people who can love and be responsible for themselves.” This means matching a guy’s energy. Don’t change your schedule for the guy who never confirmed date plans. Match the inconsistent texter’s energy by responding inconsistently because you’re busy with better things to do. Don’t reorganize your schedule for a guy who would never do the same for you. Notice when they don’t respond to your message. That signals their level of interest and respect for your time. Set boundaries with them and stick to them. I’m a fan of blocking people to get them out of my psyche. Decentering is our chance to reclaim energy that should never have been given to these men in the first place.
* Build financial independence
“Women are brought up to think that a man is a financial strategy. You get married, and that’s it. And that is fatal, utterly fatal.” — Cindy Gallop, Design Matters Podcast.
According to Amanda Holden in How to Be a Rich Old Lady, there are levels of financial independence: “not solely relying on a man or partner for money,” and “not needing to rely on a job for money” I.e., you have enough money invested to live off the interest those investments generate. The second level is much harder to achieve, but once your 401(k) and savings generate enough income to live on, you can retire.
Financial independence is more important for us than ever. Why? Because “[marriage] is offering less value to people than it once did,” where marriage is defined as “a contract to protect women who specialize in home production” (Low, 2025). Back in the day, when we were housewives and weren’t allowed to hold high-paying jobs, we had to rely on men financially to keep us alive. Now, with our own financial resources, we have the freedom to leave whatever living situation or relationship we no longer want to be in. And remember, even if you love your career, “Do not let anyone convince you that fulfillment, passion, or caring is a substitute for money” (Low, 2025). We still need to be paid for what we are doing.
I briefly lost all my freedom and became financially dependent on my then-boyfriend at the beginning of the pandemic. I wanted to leave the situation, but without my own money, I got stuck and had to endure hell until I signed another job contract. It was not fun, and I don’t wish that experience on my worst enemy. I now live by Amanda Holden’s motto: “[Each] of us has two jobs: the job we do, and the job of marketing ourselves to make as much money as possible while doing it” (Holden, 2026). Or as Cindy Gallop puts it,
“Be determined to make...an absolute goddamn f*****g s**t ton of money.”
* Face the true costs.
“Men want children like how children want puppies” — The women of Reddit
I’ve always said I wanted children, but these four months gave me time to face the reality of motherhood. Ignoring the cost of raising a child, it’s estimated that “[women] lose half a million dollars in lifetime earnings, on average, just by becoming mothers” (Holden, 2026). So I’ll be poorer and not able to sleep in on Sundays? I realized that my life as a single woman is pretty amazing, and I need to think long and hard about whether I am willing to give this up.
Patriarchal inequalities extend far beyond cleaning your male partner’s stubble out of the sink. For example, “daughters take on far more caregiving than sons, with deeply uneven emotional, physical, and financial costs,” and “women over fifty who are forced out of work to care for aging relatives lose an estimated $324,000 in wages and retirement savings” (Holden, 2026). Facing these realities, it appears we may have to decenter our brothers just as much as our romantic partners.
Our culture has taught us that we must find a man to “save” us, but the facts show us we’re the ones saving them. Living with a man creates massive emotional and physical labor for us. One woman on Reddit swore she would never live with a male partner again; her last three partners only increased her housework while eating all her food. That makes me mad just thinking about it! Low gives an example of a married woman who can’t get two seconds of peace, while her husband swims a couple of times a week. One finding that fascinates me is “Divorced mothers sleep more than married ones” (Low, 2025).
Men benefit from women taking care of them and others disproportionately, which is why decentering men may even be good for our health. The deal that I’d most likely get as a mother freaking sucks, and looking at the facts, being childless at 50 looks pretty great. I haven’t given up on wanting children; I just think either outcome could be great for me. In fact, I looked up the definition of “spinster” and learned that it means a woman who is too old to get married, who historically spun yarn. She looks pretty peaceful, doesn’t she? I’ll have what she’s having.
The “Not All Men” disclaimer: I can hear you saying, “But, Tash, not all men!” There is a spectrum of weaponized male incompetence. However, I’m not very optimistic. Even my friend with a lovely, competent boyfriend, who sleeps in her own room in their apartment, has to remind him to scoop their cats’ litter box. We have not yet mastered getting men to take household chores as seriously as they take their jobs, for obvious reasons. So even if you’re not doing the chore yourself, you’re still managing the household by remembering and asking him to do it.
* Try on alternative lifestyles for size.
“Is it absolutely possible to pause and question whether marriage really is for you, whether children are for you, whether even relationships really are for you. I’m absolutely ecstatic about the fact that I’ll die alone. Fantastic!” — Cindy Gallop, Design Matters Podcast
Decentering men has empowered me to identify which parts of my lifestyle I am not willing to compromise. For example, as I turned 30, I realized that I really enjoy my life in Mexico City. However, it’s common here for people to move to the faraway suburbs once they have kids. I wondered whether this was a lifestyle switch I was willing to make. Then, I met a woman living in the suburbs with her husband and three kids at a Christmas party. She spends an hour getting her kids ready, then a 45-minute drive to get into the city. I thought to myself: Oh, hell no!
There are many hybrid and alternative lifestyles you can explore. For example, you could sleep in a separate room from your male partner, or maintain your own separate apartments. You can have a child on your own. Leading research on fatherhood from Dr. Anna Machin shows that children need father figures, but these do not need to be the biological father or from a romantic relationship. Father-figure relationships are built on interacting with the child to nurture them while also challenging them to try new things and develop independence. An uncle, family friend, or your chosen family can fill this role.
Also, have you ever been attracted to a woman? Given the inequities around housework (and not to mention, orgasms), it’s a good reminder that “The lesbian is an evidence-based decision” (Low, 2025). There’s nothing that decentered men more in my life than exploring dating women.
So, think to yourself: where do you want to live? Which city or suburb? Could you survive an hour-long daily commute, driving future kids to school? Your time and happiness matter, and a lot of that depends on who you are and your lifestyle. In the words of Annie Dillard,
“How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives.”
* Avoid excessive people pleasing. Take up space.
Growing up in London, I was raised to believe that my worth depended on how helpful and useful I could be to other people. I never realized I was automatically doing the emotional and physical labor to keep the peace and make sure men felt comfortable. This came from a real fear: the men in my family could get angry, be aggressive, and shout at me.
But times have changed. I’m an adult now. I no longer accept aggression from men, and I’ve been learning that I have inherent worth as a human being. I don’t have to be extra helpful in order to be loved. If men at a family function are sitting around drinking beer, I don’t automatically get up to help with dishes.
Believing you have a right to your own space and time is a fundamental aspect of decentering men. These moments seem tiny, but they add up to being treated as a full person. For example, one friend mentioned that she feels selfish for buying a cookie from a bakery and sitting alone at a table to eat it and read a book. This is a small but classic example of how we, as women, are trained to center men and others over ourselves constantly. As patrons of a business, we deserve to sit and read in peace.
I’m not encouraging you to be an a*****e. I’m encouraging you to tone down being overly people pleasing and taking care of others from 150% of the time, abandoning your own needs, to about 90% of the time. It’s not our job to be helpful all the time and fix everything for everyone else. Take the rest of this day to try to notice examples in your life where you are over-performing as a people-pleaser. See if you would be willing to let other people sort it out and let it go. You might be tempted to step in, but the trick here is to do nothing.
* Exercise your reproductive rights
“Reproductive capital carries economic power.” — Professor Corinne Low, Having It All
We decenter men by taking control of our reproductive health. We get to decide whether or not, and if and when we want to be pregnant, if we want to have periods, and what medications we want to put in our bodies.
I’ve had the hormonal IUD for 9 years and I love not having periods. I don’t even have tampons or pads in my house. Many women prefer their natural menstrual cycle and resent doctors for prescribing hormonal birth control pills as a band-aid for health issues. This opinion is valid. On the other hand, I am part of “the silent majority”: I’m one of the women who has been on hormonal birth control for ages, I’ve been extremely happy with the results, and I’d rather not have a period ever again.
The birth control methods that are the most effective for preventing pregnancy are the IUDs (the Copper is non-hormonal, but can make your periods heavier) and the implant. They’re more effective than condoms and pills because they’re already in your body, so you reduce all the human error (e.g., the faff of the condom slipping off). Still, it’s always best to double up on methods because human error is a real risk. You can use a fertility tracker like Kegg to identify your fertility window.
* Prepare to be called “selfish” (my favorite tip!)
Once you stop being overly helpful to everyone, it’s only a matter of time before someone calls you “selfish” for prioritizing your own needs. My mother called me selfish for asking for a guaranteed bed after traveling for 15 hours from Mexico to London. This is a small price we must pay for being reformed doormats. People won’t like that we’re asking for what’s fair and necessary, refusing to let others benefit from disrespecting our boundaries. But soon enough, they will learn to live with it.
What are the benefits of decentering men?
I didn’t realize just how much decentering men benefited me until I briefly redownloaded the dating apps in mid-January and started looking for a partner again. Suddenly, all my previous anxieties about needing to find a man quickly flared up again. So, I went back to decentering for my own health and sanity. Sometimes you don’t know how peaceful your life is until it’s disrupted.
Here are the main personal benefits I’ve gained over the last four months, aided by the work I’ve done in therapy and 12-step programs:
* More positive self-talk. I used to feel bad about myself when I saw a happy couple on the street because of abandonment issues from my childhood. Since I stopped looking for a partner, my most self-critical anxieties have melted away.
* Conversations with men that are more grounded in reality. I don’t dip into fantasy-land like I used to. I realized my fantasies were a way to deflect from the reality of my life. Decentering men has taken pressure off every interaction. I can still feel vaguely disappointed when I learn that a cute guy has a girlfriend, but I’m not bending over backwards to impress him. I find my interactions with men to be more neutral or positive overall, and not a reflection of my worth. We meet, we interact briefly, and then we move on.
* More goddamn peace and quiet. After growing up in a crazy house with three siblings and four animals at one point, my life is more peaceful now. If I need something, I pay for a man to do it, e.g., my taxes or an Uber. Thank you, capitalism, I guess.
* I am the main character in my life. As much as I love Raye’s music, I’m not waiting for my future husband to show up. I’m investing in myself now and the future I want.
What are the drawbacks?
* I haven’t had sex in four months, but this is typical for me. I published my second book during this time and had other priorities than my love life.
* Sometimes I feel more lonely, yet I usually fill this void by seeing more friends.
* I do miss intimacy. There’s only so many cuddles I can get from petting all dogs everywhere. But even then, my decreased level of general anxiety still feels like a breath of fresh air. It’s helped me decide that if I do want to bring someone into the fold of my life, they better be kind.
Conclusion
“Women are sold the concept of love is self-sacrifice. Yeah, well, it’s going to be hard, but if you love them enough, you’ll make it through…This is where we are all sold a bill of goods when it comes to love. It is not true that sex sells. It is absolutely true that love sells.” — Cindy Gallop, Style Like U
This moment is the only moment we truly have. Let’s invest in it, and not in some fake future that requires a man to complete it. Our grandmothers didn’t have bank accounts. Today we have options for financial independence and freedom they could only dream of. We can feel grateful.
I like to listen to music while cooking, but eat in silence. A couple of months ago, I was anxious. What if my hypothetical future husband likes listening to music while he eats? I should learn how to compromise now, I thought, because eventually I’d have to give up this quiet comfort.
This is ridiculous hypothetical thinking. With my therapist’s help, I realized that I deserve to enjoy my current reality without expecting it to change. These small needs might seem superficial, but they matter. We shouldn’t count down to the day when our needs get deprioritized. We shouldn’t curb our happiness today, believing that we’ll need to give up our freedom tomorrow.
Instead, trust that your future self will advocate for what matters to you; she will negotiate a good deal. No more shrinking to serve other people. Our self-worth and happiness are far too valuable to compromise.
We don’t have to decenter men forever. Start today. Try it out for a month and learn what you truly want. Good luck!
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Come back for a second date! 💜
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