What can we say about a film that has everything--love, death, a soaring score, the widest ties, a SHOCKING effort at a Jamaican accent? Plenty, as it happens! Join us!

Why would you remove a guy's face FIRST, and only then trim up his bangs??

I heard that you were feeling ill: headache, fever, and a chill. I came to help restore your pluck, because I'm the nurse who likes to spend inordinate amounts of time dissecting Ed Rooney's trauma, Ferris's own sociopathic tendencies, Charlie Sheen's louche and effortless sexiness, and whether Cameron is not the actual protagonist of this movie. Won't you join us?

In which it is revealed that what we had previously thought of as genre-defining artistry in the world of spy-based action films is really, basically, the Pilgrim's Progress on the levels of both the individual and the national soul.

And never has the phrase "This is not who we are" been more laughably, enragingly false.