Michelle Johnstone  0:01  Hola Funky Media listeners, my oh my what a week it's been. Hey, it's Essex here, bringing you up to speed on this week's news and insanity from the Costa del Sol and beyond. Have I mentioned yet that it's hot ? Actually, it is way beyond hot, it's more like melting and humidity is through the roof. We've been living through an immense heatwave this week.  We were warned but that doesn't make it any easier with the temperatures in the 40s and beyond. It's hard to turn off the air conditioning and leave the house. To be fair, it's hard to get motivated. When you get in your car during the day and your temp gauge is reading 48 degrees, it takes your breath and energy away. I think I've drank enough water to fill the Suez Canal this week. The experts warn us to keep hydrated and not spend too much time in the sun, which amazes me when I see the tourists on the beach for the entire day, probably because the sand is so hot, their stranded on their own beach towels until it cools down. You can't walk on the beach during the day, the temperature on the sand can peel the skin right of your feet. Another effect from this extremely hot weather, is it has brought a plague of jellyfish to our shores because of the warm temps in the Mediterranean. So, swimming in the sea is to be negotiated, you have to have your wits about you. No one wants to fall prey to a Portuguese Man of War. Now is the time of year when you're out at night, and you start to see little red glowing bodies everywhere. I don't get how people can sit in that heat  all day roasting themselves. It's like a mass human beach barbecue. It is insanely hot here. I know I moved here for the climate but my God this week has been something else. You know, it's hot, when your eyebrows start leaking into your eyes. Despite the heat, we carry on. I've had a visitor with me this week so I've been trying my best to play hostess and travel guide but it is hard to walk about in this.  Still is lovely to see friends.  It's chock a block with tourists here, I've noticed a lot of Americans on the coast this year and I find that a bit strange as we aren't allowed to travel to the US, but yet they can travel here. I'll have a glass of double standards please barman !!            Restaurants and bars are at a capacity and this month is all about making reservations so you're not disappointed and you just won't get in. Great for the hostelry industry, trying to earn back some of those hard earned euros, which is badly needed and good luck to them after the 18 months or so, we've had.                                                            We had an earthquake here this week measuring 4.6 on the Richter scale, which I believe was centred somewhere around the Grenada region. Although I must admit, I didn't feel the earth move but a lot of people down the coast from me did. I've experienced a fair few of these after living in California for 15 years and I can tell you it's pretty scary when the ground starts to shake because there is never a warning and you never know how long it will go on for or how strong it will be.   Then you're on the aftershock alert for a few days afterwards as well as tsunami warnings. Fortunately no one was hurt and no major damage has been reported.

Well, it's another of the many bank holidays here in Spain today. Today is the Assumption of the Virgin Mary. Assumption day commemorates the belief that when Mary the mother of Jesus died, her body was assumed into heaven to be reunited with her soul, instead of going through the natural process of physical decay upon death. Strange how we're always taught never to assume. Now, I don't know if this correlates to the British tourists we have here at the moment, but it seems there is now a  ´Marmite´ crisis looming. So, this is how it´s going to be huh ?   First the Scotch eggs disappear. Now it's the holiest of spreads ´Marmite´.   It took me three shops to find the sacred jar. I'm tempted to email Boris my shopping list. Do you think he could help ? 

Talking of our illustrious Prime Minister, I see he is recalling parliament, due to the escalating events in Afghanistan, which of course is awful. They're having an emergency meeting, which was announced on the News Sunday. Now, forgive me but emergency to me means like, right now, yet they're pencilling it in for Wednesday, and I have to think, what about the people who have to get out now ?  People who have helped our troops as translators etc, who now find their lives in danger. Can they wait ?  I do hope there's a plan in place for these people. I have more sympathy for these persecuted individuals than the hundreds of economic migrants, making their way across the most dangerous shipping lane, known as the English Channel. Where are all these people going to go ?  Close to 10,000 illegal immigrants crossed the Channel just this year alone so far and with favourable weather, I suspect there'll be a lot more. Where are the women and children ?  These people have no identifying papers, yet the majority of them seem to be young men in their 20s and 30s getting off these Dingies in their Nikes with their iPhones and scuttling up off the beach to who knows where or what danger they impose.  The others are being ferried in by the RNLI, that instead of being patrolling the channel saving lives of sailors and swimmers alike are now being used as a taxi service to stop these people killing themselves in those treacherous waters and bringing them to the British shores.  Once they're there, they're given clothes, cash, taken to hotels up and down the country until they're processed, which can take forever. By which time, they've disappeared into cities and towns across the UK. Now, I am all for human rights and some of you are going to hate when I say, How long can this go on ? and how many more can the UK afford ?  Yes, yes we know about human rights, but the costs to the British taxpayer is huge. Not to mention the strain on public services, like the NHS. On top of this, there's money being paid out because of the pandemic, the Brexit divorce payment. Did they plant money trees in the gardens of Westminster ?  Personally I think Westminster needs a good sweeping out, starting with Priti Patel who talks the talk but that's about it. But let's not worry about these things because we need to concentrate on whether our four year olds are in the right body. Can someone tell me why we are sexualizing our children ?   Am I the only one who thinks that the government is now inserting themselves into people's lives, unnecessarily ?  I sent my kids to school to learn maths, how to write, geography science and history, although that seems to be being tampered with now as well.                                    Ladles and Jelly Spoons. (sorry, just doing my bit for political correctness)  welcome to the WOKE world of 2021. Can't wait to see what's in store for 2022 !

A quarter pound of beef, fresh leaves and 15 live giant land snails. No, this is not a recipe but something confiscated from an airline passengers luggage earlier this month by US Customs and Border Protection.   They announced the discovery saying that the snails are capable of causing rare forms of meningitis in humans. Now, I don't know about you guys but before I go away, I always ask my husband if he's pack the snails.  What on earth ?  I know that some of the Brits come here, armed with tea bags and baked beans like we´re some kind of third world country but this is ridiculous. The passenger who brought the giant land snails, also known as banana rasp snails was travelling from Nigeria. She initially only declared that she had brought dried beef with her but later added the snails to her declaration form. She must have been wrestling with herself on board thinking, shall I declare them or shall I just keep schtum ?  Can you imagine disembarking your plane and the custom official says to you "Do you have anything to declare"?  Well, actually, just my pet snails. I'm staying at a snail friendly hotel. They found three ziplock plastic bags that had live snails inside, along with fresh leaves. Well, I guess they've got to eat. Obviously the USDA has taken control of the snails and said on it´s website that it is one of the most damaging snails in the world. It can grow up to about eight inches in length and five inches in diameter, about the size of an adult's fist. Why oh why do people pack things like this for a trip ?  Unless she couldn't bear to be parted from them. I remember when I lived in America. I would always try and get my pork sausages through customs but snails, that's a whole different thing. Dear oh dear, oh dear we are living in a crazy world !                           Well, that brings this week's moments from the Costa del Sol to a close. I'm off to put my head in the freezer for relief. Until next week, have a fab one, stay safe and as always, from me,  Michelle, Hasta Luego from the Costa del Sol

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