Michelle AKA Essex Bird "6 minutes on the Costa de

Michelle Johnstone  0:00  Hola Funky Media listeners, how's your week been?  Hi, it's me Essex with your weekly news and insanity from the Costa del Sol. Let me tell you we've had all sorts of shenanigans happening this week. Firstly, before I get started, I'm happy to say the temps have dropped a little along with the humidity since Saturday. It's still hot, but it's bearable and at the moment we have a bit of a breeze going,  which is fabulous. Thank the God´s for that because it's been like Hell's fireplace here, even the Spanish are complaining about it. Lots and lots of tourists, lots and lots of traffic, noise, laughter and lots of little red people, can you say that ? is it politically correct? mincing about in the evenings. Everything seems so normal, well, other than the mask parts but as summer has finally begun on the coast and gotten into full swing, the season here is nearly over. The kids will go back to school, "hallelujah", did I really say that ? and life will resume on the coast. So, with September rolling in, that's almost three quarters of this year over. Where did that go?  Before you know it, it will be Halloween and then Christmas will be thrust upon us, whether we like it or not, or will it?  More on that later...... 

Things are going well in southern Spain. We're just plodding along, COVID numbers are still very low, hospitals and ICU´s are under no real pressure here so, everyone I speak to says they feel very safe here. In fact, even the tourists are saying they feel safer here than at home. I'm not a Brexpat trying to kick the UK. I'm just purely stating facts, so,  remind me again why we are still on the amber list. We've had a few incidents this week on the coast, other than watching people go around the roundabouts the wrong way which has happened a couple times this week and landed a couple of people in some pretty near misses.   Some reckless Belgian idiot with a Ferrari was caught driving on the AP7 toll motorway at 240 kilometres per hour. The police finally caught up with him in Torremolinos. God knows how unless they were in Lear jets and his excuse..... he was running late for his flight from Malaga, which he missed anyway because he was detained and now he's about to face dangerous road safety charges. Well, that worked out well for him, didn't it?  Before I leave the topic of toll roads, let me explain. We have two main roads here, one is the A7 Mediterranean coast road, which most people take and the second is the AP7, which is the toll road with less junctions. Both roads, go all the way down to Gibraltar and beyond and everything leads off of those two main roads but it's disgusting how they double the toll tariffs and the parking fees here during the summer months to money grab from unsuspecting tourists.   Us residents, we aren't too happy about it either, when it's half the price the rest of the year-round. Needless to say, very few people take the toll roads, which makes the coast road traffic that much heavier, especially in the summer, if they had any sense, they'd make all the HGV and delivery vehicles, use the toll roads for free and that would ease up the congestion of traffic and cut down on pollution but no, that's too obvious and definitely not lucrative enough. While we're still here on the A7 coast road. (are we here on the A7 coast road ?) We've had a young guy, unfortunately, a British holidaymaker, perish in Puerto Banus after trying to cross the extremely busy dual carriageway at two o'clock in the morning. Unfortunately, it sounds like another one of those stories where there's too much vodka and not enough common sense. 

Nando's. Nando's my favourite chicken of all time, and I've heard they've had to close 50 stores in the UK as they've run out chicken, as well as KFC. Now we can add chickens to our ever-growing list of missing foods like Scotch eggs. Mind you, we've had our own chicken catastrophe here. It seems 40,000 chickens have been killed in a fire at a poultry farm this week in the province of Cuenca.  Could it be some mass chickens suicide pack so they don't all end up basted in hot sauce?  Sorry to any vegans listening, that probably wasn't funny. By total coincidence, this is the second fire to happen at a chicken farm in this particular village. The last one was back in 2017, but no chickens were harmed I'm glad to report.                                                              

According to friends here. We have no McDonald's milkshake shortages at all. So, if anyone out there would like to trade me a Scotch Egg for Maccy D's milkshake,  please inbox me.   

Back to Christmas. We're now hearing that Iceland and other supermarkets will be short of stock for Christmas and that's not just in the UK but Iceland in Spain as well. I bet all the turkeys out there are clutching their pearls.   What exactly we're going to be short of no one really knows yet, but you can bet it will probably be the pigs in blankets or the parsnips. That´s the only time of year we eat those. I would imagine that the Christmas crackers will come from China, so I doubt there'll be a shortage of those.   Who knows? maybe inside of a cracker this year instead of a paper hat, you'll get a mask. We'll just have to keep our eye on it so we don't create a Christmas buying panic. How long can you freeze a turkey for anyway?                                                                                      

Also, in this week's news, a local paper ran a poll on whether little people should be allowed to bullfight and what did the general public think?   Should people with dwarfism be allowed to bullfight? Well, just over 41% of people think that they should be allowed, and shouldn't be banned from doing it. Well, here's my opinion for nothing. I think you should all be banned. I don't care if you´re short or tall, you have no right to torture God's creature for sport. Geez!  What is wrong with you people?  We´re now debating whether people who have dwarfism. That's a hard word to say,  have the right to kill Bulls because they're looked upon as clowns. Personally, I hope you get the approval and attention you're looking for, and that TORRO tosses you around the ring like a rag doll. I'm with the Bulls on this one.   All this madness going on in the world, and I got to worry whether it's politically correct to let a short person bullfight.  Sheesh!

Man, oh man, I saw the "Extinction Repulsion" people on the news the other night, well, that's why I call them.   I go along with the climate change stuff but these people are nuts.   Bringing a city like London to a standstill,  glueing themselves to things. Is that normal behaviour?  I wonder what sort of glue they use and how much you need to glue yourself to something. Their only agenda, being to disrupt the Capitol and all the poor innocent people caught up in their madness. I cannot believe they turned the water red in Queen Victoria's fountain outside Buckingham Palace.  Where is the respect?  Where were the police?   Who's running the place?   The authorities knew it was going to happen and seem to do nothing. I got to say watching it on the news here in Spain was a shock. These idiots are doing nothing for their cause. I heard one of them actually private jetted in, especially for the occasion, not watching his carbon footprints, then I take it.  You know China is the biggest polluter in the world. Why don't they all travel over there and picket their streets and bring them to a standstill? I wonder how far they'd get?  

Last week I told you about a young girl who got paid 20,000 pounds for a puffed-up Dorito chip. Well guess what, this week, a young lad, found the biggest Salt and Vinegar Hula Hoop. It was eight times the usual length and only just fitted in the packet.          

26-year-old Sam's discovery trump's the previous world record, a 3.7-inch hoop found in May. It's breaking news here folks !!   The offshore wind farm planner said, "The find was amongst his biggest achievements". Oh yeah, I´d chalk that up to one life-changing experience. He said, "It´s up there in the top 10 along with buying a house and a car. You're pulling my leg, right?   He's been worried about breaking it so he's keeping it safe in his packet, in a utility room. Oh, bless him. I once had a pet rock that I knitted a blanket for. He also saw the article online that someone had got paid 20,000 pounds for the puffed up Dorito they'd found, but he's not planning on selling it. It's too sentimental. What's on God's green earth is sentimental about a Hula Hoop?              

More ´mental´ than ´senti´ if you ask me. He says he'll probably keep it forever, and hand it down through the family. Isn't that one will reading you'd love to be at?  Bit of a bummer coming out of there with a giant hula hoop that he probably could have sold for silly money during these crazy times we're living in. I'll bet anything he posted it somewhere on social media.   Not to upset you man, Sam sorry but musician Stuart Hampton 31 from Darnhill in Greater Manchester auctioned a three-inch Hula Hoop for 712, pounds in 2014. Who knows what yours is worth in today's current chip market. 

Right, I'm off to open all the crisp packets in the house, although I have more chance of finding a 20 foot long Churro.   PS. I am loving Eric Clapton's new single,  "This Has Got To Stop".   It just about sums it all up. God bless everyone, have a fab week, I'll be back next week with more news from the coast. Until then, be kind to each other, you never know who's harbouring a puffed up Dorito.   Stay safe and as always from me Michelle,  Hasta Luego from the Costa del Sol.

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Michelle Johnstone  0:00  Hola Funky Media listeners, well, another week ticks by and it's filled with more heat and humidity. I feel like I'm in the Masai Mara, all we're missing is the wildlife, that is unless you count some of the tourists of the younger variety,  if you know I mean, the Stags and the Hens. The ones who feel the need to drink the Costa del Sol dry.  Oh the  dramas !   Anyway, let's hope things cool down a bit by next week so we can all breathe again. Well with the high temps brings the craziness, and it's all going off here. Firefighters had to rescue a man from a high voltage electricity pylon. I read this and thought, what the heck ?? ..... Yep, some 27 year old, idiot, climbed up a bloody great electricity pylon. Only God knows why and emergency services were called out as he was spotted, making a fuss and calling for help. Maybe he just couldn't get a signal on his mobile who knows, in my experience, it was probably Vodafone. The reason for him climbing is unknown, but Endesa were asked to cut the high voltage supply to the cables, until this numpty could be lowered to the ground. Then they took him to hospital after the incident, obviously, to be checked over.   The newspaper here didn't specify whether he was of Spanish or other origin, or if he may be just identified as a fruit loop. Andalucia has been moved down a level, we're now at level two from level three, whatever that means this week. All I know is I have to cover my face on public transport, or in a shop. Well it's best for the general public rarely that way I can't scare anybody,  especially first thing in the morning. Other than that, life is pretty normal here.   Everyone is out and about, bars and restaurants are booming at the moment, so life is normalish.   Numbers are really low here which is brilliant and so some of the restrictions are being lifted and we're doing it gradually. Yet, we still remain on Britain's Amber list and yet, the infection rate is much higher in the UK. I'm still trying to figure that one out, Boris. The way I see it, you're bringing in immigrants from all over the world with no information or vaccine certificates but if I want to fly to the UK to visit my family or friends, I still have to jump through hoops with COVID passports and lateral flow or PCR tests and of course, let's not forget day two or is it day five, like any of us can keep up with any of this. Is this fair ?  

Also this week in the news, another two earthquakes reportedly rocked the Grenada province, one measuring 4.5 the other 3.1. on the Richter scale and that was about 11:30 last Thursday night. It was felt by quite a few people in the Malaga province, and some structural damage was reported this particular time. I think I might have felt a slight rumble but that could have been my husband's stomach. Anyway, if you remember, I told you about an earthquake last week too. So, this is a little worrying, it would seem we have a bit of seismic activity happening here in the south of Spain. 

A mother and son, who spent the day at Luton Airport after EasyJet, they refused to let him fly because their lateral flow test had expired by 15 minutes.  15 minutes !!          They were due to travel to Croatia but now they've lost a day of their holiday and the money spent on their COVID tests, then they had to shell out for a new flight, an overnight hotel, and more tests before they could continue the next day. Is this right ?   Is that logical ?  Am I the only one that thinks this is downright ridiculous ?   If their tests were a day old,  I could understand it a bit more but 15 minutes.  Really ??  Some flipping jobs worth down at Luton Airport, just sucking the joy out of some poor lady and her son, who are trying to get away for a bit of a break.                                               I do hope Boris and Dominic Raab, the Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs enjoyed their holidays. I understand Raab was busy living it up on the island of Crete, no problems with their lateral flow test then I'm gathering, while all hell breaks loose in Afghanistan.  The scenes of people desperate to get out of a country, not to mention the British and American passport holders who can't even make it through the pandemonium to even make it through the crowds to the airport. What a nightmare, this is turning out to be and to think they had 18 months to plan this evacuation. Makes you wonder what they do all day at taxpayers expense. There was no need for this insanity. They had plenty of time to draw up an evacuation plan. Instead it's turned into a desperate situation that has to be sorted out by the August 31st deadline. Good luck with that. I'm hearing enough woes of holidaymakers returning to the UK, through the airports from their summer holidays at the moment, God help the refugees. 

Now Doritos, Doritos have paid a teenager out 15,000 pounds for a rare puffed out Nacho chip,  What ??........ Apparently the snack giant Doritos paid a 13 year old girl 15,000 pounds for a rare puffed up version of one of their crisps. You got to be kidding me. Rylee Stuart 13,  said "she was surprised".... I bet she was, when the company contacted her with a $20,000, that's about 14,600 pounds, offer for a puffy Dorito. Thank goodness she didn't eat it, I would have been sick, literally.  The Gold Coast teen uploaded a video of the unusual corn snack. Can you guess where ?  On Tic Tok of course and it soon went viral. She put a caption on the video and shared it with her 11,600 followers, and it read. "I found a puffed Dorito, is this valuable, or should I just eat it, tell me please" ?  She then gets interviewed on Australia's Nine News. Rylee said, "I was about to eat it but I thought I better save it for later".  Good job, too because that would have been more expensive than eating Beluga Caviar..... a Dorito chip, who'd have thought 15,000 pounds ?  We can only hope it arrived safely in the mail or by courier.  I wonder how they collected it and what they plan to do with it now. Still, I bet Rylee is one happy girl. 

Now, we all love a bit of bacon and eggs in the morning on all sides of the globe, but a restaurant in Weston-Super-Mare is offering the massive 20 pound Breakfast Challenge, which aparently only three people have beaten so far. Imagine sitting down to....      Wait for it .......four pieces of toast, four fried pieces of bread, six pieces of bacon, six sausages, six fried eggs, six hashbrowns, four black puddings, two portions of bubble and squeak, mushrooms, beans and two grilled tomatoes. Oh my god !  I'm exhausted just reading that never mind eating it.  Treats Cafe in Weston-Super-Mare, hungry hopefuls take on the big breakfast challenge for 19.75, which only three people, as I said have successfully completed so far. Now they say breakfast is the food of champions but this must be Heart Attack City. The dish is served with a timer too and those who polish off this mammoth breakfast in 60 minutes, get their meal for free and a photo in the Hall of Fame and I think a defibrillator. I´ll have to check on the last bit. Wow ! and just when we're all being encouraged to keep healthy and fit and eat well, I guess the fit bit, would have been your teeth and reflux with all that chewing and swallowing.      Well it's my time for a siesta now because it's the Spanish way of life. Can someone please turn the heating down before we all roast.  Until next week, have a good time, stay safe and as always from me, Michelle, Hasta Luego from the Costa del Sol.

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Michelle Johnstone  0:01  Hola Funky Media listeners, my oh my what a week it's been. Hey, it's Essex here, bringing you up to speed on this week's news and insanity from the Costa del Sol and beyond. Have I mentioned yet that it's hot ? Actually, it is way beyond hot, it's more like melting and humidity is through the roof. We've been living through an immense heatwave this week.  We were warned but that doesn't make it any easier with the temperatures in the 40s and beyond. It's hard to turn off the air conditioning and leave the house. To be fair, it's hard to get motivated. When you get in your car during the day and your temp gauge is reading 48 degrees, it takes your breath and energy away. I think I've drank enough water to fill the Suez Canal this week. The experts warn us to keep hydrated and not spend too much time in the sun, which amazes me when I see the tourists on the beach for the entire day, probably because the sand is so hot, their stranded on their own beach towels until it cools down. You can't walk on the beach during the day, the temperature on the sand can peel the skin right of your feet. Another effect from this extremely hot weather, is it has brought a plague of jellyfish to our shores because of the warm temps in the Mediterranean. So, swimming in the sea is to be negotiated, you have to have your wits about you. No one wants to fall prey to a Portuguese Man of War. Now is the time of year when you're out at night, and you start to see little red glowing bodies everywhere. I don't get how people can sit in that heat  all day roasting themselves. It's like a mass human beach barbecue. It is insanely hot here. I know I moved here for the climate but my God this week has been something else. You know, it's hot, when your eyebrows start leaking into your eyes. Despite the heat, we carry on. I've had a visitor with me this week so I've been trying my best to play hostess and travel guide but it is hard to walk about in this.  Still is lovely to see friends.  It's chock a block with tourists here, I've noticed a lot of Americans on the coast this year and I find that a bit strange as we aren't allowed to travel to the US, but yet they can travel here. I'll have a glass of double standards please barman !!            Restaurants and bars are at a capacity and this month is all about making reservations so you're not disappointed and you just won't get in. Great for the hostelry industry, trying to earn back some of those hard earned euros, which is badly needed and good luck to them after the 18 months or so, we've had.                                                            We had an earthquake here this week measuring 4.6 on the Richter scale, which I believe was centred somewhere around the Grenada region. Although I must admit, I didn't feel the earth move but a lot of people down the coast from me did. I've experienced a fair few of these after living in California for 15 years and I can tell you it's pretty scary when the ground starts to shake because there is never a warning and you never know how long it will go on for or how strong it will be.   Then you're on the aftershock alert for a few days afterwards as well as tsunami warnings. Fortunately no one was hurt and no major damage has been reported.

Well, it's another of the many bank holidays here in Spain today. Today is the Assumption of the Virgin Mary. Assumption day commemorates the belief that when Mary the mother of Jesus died, her body was assumed into heaven to be reunited with her soul, instead of going through the natural process of physical decay upon death. Strange how we're always taught never to assume. Now, I don't know if this correlates to the British tourists we have here at the moment, but it seems there is now a  ´Marmite´ crisis looming. So, this is how it´s going to be huh ?   First the Scotch eggs disappear. Now it's the holiest of spreads ´Marmite´.   It took me three shops to find the sacred jar. I'm tempted to email Boris my shopping list. Do you think he could help ? 

Talking of our illustrious Prime Minister, I see he is recalling parliament, due to the escalating events in Afghanistan, which of course is awful. They're having an emergency meeting, which was announced on the News Sunday. Now, forgive me but emergency to me means like, right now, yet they're pencilling it in for Wednesday, and I have to think, what about the people who have to get out now ?  People who have helped our troops as translators etc, who now find their lives in danger. Can they wait ?  I do hope there's a plan in place for these people. I have more sympathy for these persecuted individuals than the hundreds of economic migrants, making their way across the most dangerous shipping lane, known as the English Channel. Where are all these people going to go ?  Close to 10,000 illegal immigrants crossed the Channel just this year alone so far and with favourable weather, I suspect there'll be a lot more. Where are the women and children ?  These people have no identifying papers, yet the majority of them seem to be young men in their 20s and 30s getting off these Dingies in their Nikes with their iPhones and scuttling up off the beach to who knows where or what danger they impose.  The others are being ferried in by the RNLI, that instead of being patrolling the channel saving lives of sailors and swimmers alike are now being used as a taxi service to stop these people killing themselves in those treacherous waters and bringing them to the British shores.  Once they're there, they're given clothes, cash, taken to hotels up and down the country until they're processed, which can take forever. By which time, they've disappeared into cities and towns across the UK. Now, I am all for human rights and some of you are going to hate when I say, How long can this go on ? and how many more can the UK afford ?  Yes, yes we know about human rights, but the costs to the British taxpayer is huge. Not to mention the strain on public services, like the NHS. On top of this, there's money being paid out because of the pandemic, the Brexit divorce payment. Did they plant money trees in the gardens of Westminster ?  Personally I think Westminster needs a good sweeping out, starting with Priti Patel who talks the talk but that's about it. But let's not worry about these things because we need to concentrate on whether our four year olds are in the right body. Can someone tell me why we are sexualizing our children ?   Am I the only one who thinks that the government is now inserting themselves into people's lives, unnecessarily ?  I sent my kids to school to learn maths, how to write, geography science and history, although that seems to be being tampered with now as well.                                    Ladles and Jelly Spoons. (sorry, just doing my bit for political correctness)  welcome to the WOKE world of 2021. Can't wait to see what's in store for 2022 !

A quarter pound of beef, fresh leaves and 15 live giant land snails. No, this is not a recipe but something confiscated from an airline passengers luggage earlier this month by US Customs and Border Protection.   They announced the discovery saying that the snails are capable of causing rare forms of meningitis in humans. Now, I don't know about you guys but before I go away, I always ask my husband if he's pack the snails.  What on earth ?  I know that some of the Brits come here, armed with tea bags and baked beans like we´re some kind of third world country but this is ridiculous. The passenger who brought the giant land snails, also known as banana rasp snails was travelling from Nigeria. She initially only declared that she had brought dried beef with her but later added the snails to her declaration form. She must have been wrestling with herself on board thinking, shall I declare them or shall I just keep schtum ?  Can you imagine disembarking your plane and the custom official says to you "Do you have anything to declare"?  Well, actually, just my pet snails. I'm staying at a snail friendly hotel. They found three ziplock plastic bags that had live snails inside, along with fresh leaves. Well, I guess they've got to eat. Obviously the USDA has taken control of the snails and said on it´s website that it is one of the most damaging snails in the world. It can grow up to about eight inches in length and five inches in diameter, about the size of an adult's fist. Why oh why do people pack things like this for a trip ?  Unless she couldn't bear to be parted from them. I remember when I lived in America. I would always try and get my pork sausages through customs but snails, that's a whole different thing. Dear oh dear, oh dear we are living in a crazy world !                           Well, that brings this week's moments from the Costa del Sol to a close. I'm off to put my head in the freezer for relief. Until next week, have a fab one, stay safe and as always, from me,  Michelle, Hasta Luego from the Costa del Sol

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Michelle Johnstone  0:01  Hola Funky Media listeners and greetings from a very hot and humid Costa del Sol.     Hi, of course, it's me Essex with another round of what's going on here, there and everywhere. Seems tourism has definitely taken off. People and traffic are everywhere, which is a good thing. I'm not complaining as we need the people here spending their hard-earned euros. The weather here is absolutely sweltering and we've been warned that temps could rise into the 40s within the next couple of weeks........... Deep joy.            I must admit, I understand why people living here go back to the UK for July and August. It is way too hot to do anything but as summer was late starting for us this year, I suspect September isn't going to be too comfortable either but we shall see.              So, life is resuming on the Costa del Sol, I've even noticed it´s much harder to get seated in some restaurants and therefore the best thing to do is make a reservation. Traffic is heavy and parking well, don't even get me started on the parking here. This is something we haven't seen in a while. In the coastal resort of La Cala de Mijas, a lovely little beach town. Some restaurants have extended their terrace space into the actual parking spaces. So, if it wasn't hard enough to park there before, due to the lack of spaces in the summer, now it's nigh on impossible. I understand that the cafes and restaurants are touting for more business and goodness knows they need the extra bucks but there are other businesses there and us locals need to use them and now you can't get parked for love nor money. The Junta de Andalucia have announced another new COVID measure but this time affecting nightlife in the region.  From Thursday, the 5th of August, customers going into nightclubs and disco bars will be required to show a COVID certificate or a negative PCR or antigen test result first. This was announced this Monday by the president of the Junta,  Juanmar Moreno on his Twitter account.        errr.....Like we're all on Twitter !!  I live here and I didn't even know Juanmar Mareno had a Twitter account.  The legality of the measure is not entirely clear. We'll have to see what happens is the last lot of rules and regs that were enforced during our initial lockdown are now being thrown out of court as they're not legally binding.

The theatre is opening back up in Fuengirola,  the Salon Varietes was built back in 1925 and it actually ran as a theatre until 1956 when it was turned into a cinema. It then showed films in Spanish but once a week, they would show films in English, which was a wonderful treat for the Expat´s back in those days. Now, the Salon Varietes has been there many years. It opened its doors again for the first time on June 14th, 1985 as the theatre and on the bill was one Bernard Stanley Bilk, better known as ´Acker Bilk´.   Now there is a bit of history for you. I wonder if you wrote that famous piece. ´Strangers on the Shore´ here in Spain. They put on a number of really good shows throughout the year in English and it's good to see them resuming back into a normal life, if you can call this a normal life. The salon offers a variety of choice of productions. They have musicals, dramas, reviews, comedies and farce and it makes it a unique cultural centre for foreign visitors and residents alike. So if you find yourself in Fuengirola on holiday, I recommend you go see a show there. I'll be waiting until after the holiday season to be venturing up to Fuengirola, which is about 15 to 20 minutes from my house but once again, it's that parking issue. 

Now apparently, there was a mutiny incident on an EasyJet flight from Gatwick to Malaga this week, when it was turned back from the runway.   Two passengers accused of being unruly by staff for taking their shoes off........... Is that it ??  I've seen much worse than that. They were then asked to put them back on which is standard procedure for takeoff, so they say.   Seems the two passengers got a bit ´hissy´ with the staff and so armed police were brought on.  Armed police ??  That seems a bit drastic. Their luggage was removed and their passports confiscated for disobedient behaviour. I didn't know you could get your passport taken off you for disobedient behaviour but their fellow passengers came to their defence and staged a mutiny.   Their fellow travellers advised them to stay on board and explain to the armed forces or police how they the crew had excessively over acted. The captain then announced the flight crew would be replaced before heading out to Malaga. Oooooh, I bet they got telling off !!   Not only that, but what did it cost them in losing their flight slot? Not the way you want to start your holidays but they got here in the end. Sounds like a palaver over nothing really but this is the world we now find ourselves living in, where everyone is offended by something and mountains are made out of molehills. 

A total of 40,000 Coronavirus antigen self kit,  test kits have been sold in Malaga pharmacies in their first week on sale to the public and they're forecasting that the number of this is likely to increase.  They´re retailing at the moment and I've seen them there for about eight euros a test. So I suppose that's for like if you want to get into nightclubs, etc, etc, you can use those.  Ummmm makes a change for the Sombreros and Castanets that people use to take home from here as mementos but I guess times have changed and so must we.  I just want to add, they cannot be used for travel. You have the official COVID test, which is definitely pricier but not as pricey as in the UK. At least travel is becoming a little bit more accessible and a little less complicated. Although I'm still unsure of the actual travel rules for expats at this moment, returning home as a visit, and the rules seem to change constantly. If it would help if Boris would quit moving the goalposts I'm really not sure after entering the UK with the negative tests and two jabs, what I'm required to do next.  Is it still day 2,  day 5 or day 8 ??        So many confused travellers with so many different opinions is hard to know for sure. I think I'll wait for Christmas time to come and visit my loved ones when maybe a concrete plan would have been drawn up. To be honest, I was trying to get a break to the Balearic Islands but even those rules are a little confusing and that's essentially travelling from Spain to Spain. October I´m due to travel to Portugal, which we'll have to wait and see what that entails. When did holiday travel becomes such a pain in the neck. Remember, when going on holiday used to be fun. Now it's fraught with do's and don'ts, regulations, rules and tests. It's made the fun family vacation something to be navigated like a minefield, my how things change in a couple of years. 

Business entrepreneurs are popping up all over the place the beginning of this pandemic and now, these are some really odd times and I'm thinking ´I am in the wrong business´. According to a newspaper article this week, there is a woman who once was a travel agent. I used to be a travel agent I worked for Thomson holidays, who is now making $4200 a month from selling her Trump's online and I'm not talking about Donald J here. Emma Martin, age 48 has been recording her flatulence since 1999 hmmm......and now she charges $4.99 a month from people to view her content. This takes working from home to a whole new level. Don't you think? You can't help but ask why? What has society become that we now need to watch and pay for this sort of thing on the internet? We´d make a fortune in our house, between my husband, our dog and myself, we could rack it up. The former travel agent follows a diet specially designed to help her perform better at her smelly job. She said she is lots of salad, asparagus and avocados. She also eats a lot of Mexican food. One of our favourites is coleslaw and baked beans mixed together. Hmmm, sounds delicious girl !!  What fine cuisine for a hot summer night. The mother of two ensures that she records videos of herself passing gas only when our family members aren't around. She said her husband knows but he's not into farts at all. No one else in her family knows. I don't think they would approve, but I'm a grown woman. If my old man thought I could make money doing that, he would force-feed me coleslaw and beans. This is insanity. Emma uses the ´Onlyfans´ website to sell her videos and produces custom made videos for her more dedicated followers. She charges $7 per minute for custom made videos. That's the same website used by Kerry Katona and a lot of other ´so called´ celebrities to get their bits out for sale. Well, it's helped Kerry out of her bankruptcy. Thank goodness no one has invented smellivision yet, can you imagine? And she's not the only one. There are ladies on there selling their worn underwear too. Well, it sounds like the go-to website for that special and unique gift. We're only weeks away from Christmas decorations coming out, right? Before you know it. It will be time to drag the tree out again. So maybe it's time to get a little early Christmas shopping happening.                                 I'll leave you with that thought while I go off and see what else I can record, maybe somebody would like to hear or watch me cut my toenails. Until next week's madness. Keep your fabulous comments coming,  they do make me chuckle.   I'm off to the pool to cool my head after all this insanity. I hope you have a fab week. Stay safe and as always for me Michelle,  Hasta Luego from the Costa del Sol

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Michelle Johnstone  0:01  Hola Funky Media listeners.......hi peeps it's me, Essex, with what's happening on the coast this week, and I've had a bit of a hectic one is I had a trip to the province of Valencia this last weekend, with my bit on the side or realistically, known as my long-suffering husband, who was playing football in a tournament in a place called Torrevieja.  Torrevieja is a province of Valencia for those of you that don't know and it's about a five and a half-hour drive from where I live in Mijas Costa. It was a long hot drive there with a couple of friends who very kindly drove us.   A few toilet and refreshment breaks as you do and we arrived safely early afternoon on Friday. It must have been about 34/36 degrees, so we checked into the hotel, got to our rooms and opened our cases to rummage through for a swimsuit, as you do.  Because the first thing on your mind is, to hell with the unpacking, I need that pool. We've all done it haveñ t we ?  A swim, some drinks, unwind and we'll go back up and unpack later and freshen up before we meet up with the rest of the team for dinner, at an Indian restaurant that had been arranged. I gotta say, it was one of the nicest rubies, or curry to those of you north of the Watford gap that I've had. The food was great. The resort was very quiet, which was a breath of fresh air from the madness on the coast here. So, I have a big shout out this week to the lads of Malaga, Walking Football Club, who were complete troopers and played four games in 38 degrees of heat and came third out of all the teams that were there. Walking football is a growing sport here. Well, they call it walking football but those guys will break it darn fast if you ask me, but they give it their all and when I say lads, what I mean is they are men in their 50s and 60s. They were ecstatic and all the wives and girlfriends or WAGS were happy for them afterwards. Of course, they were all the stories to regale afterwards but a good time was had by all, had a good few giggles also, not to mention the alcohol that we put away.                       I must admit, I didn't really watch too much of the tournament as a friend and I were busy trying to book a hot stone massage and a bit of shopping followed by coffee.    You can take the girl out of Essex but you can't take Essex out of the girl. Well done to Malaga, walking football team. It was a lovely hotel, a nice location, and a brilliant weekend. I can't wait for the next one in Portugal, in October. So, the COVID rules there seem to be a little bit more relaxed in Torrevieja Valencia, than they are here. We were only required to wear masks while inside the hotel lobby etc. Well, that's to be expected but they didn't seem to be any outside terrace rules, whereas here, we're still on a maximum of six people outside.   The numbers seem to be going up here a little but we are still under that 1000 mark, which could bring in new restrictions. Who knows, I guess we'll worry about that when and if it happens. In the meantime hospitalizations, are up slightly, and so is the ICU pressure, but that doesn't necessarily mean that that's all to do with this pandemic. People could be in ICU for a number of reasons, so it's not exactly clear. 

We are now all hoping that the UK Government will stick to its word when it says no quarantine for vaccinated Brits. It does seem a bit unfair that British people don't have to quarantine after returning from a holiday in Spain but us expats do. This means we will be able to fly over and visit loved ones we haven't seen for nearly two years. The only thing that makes me nervous is them suddenly changing the rules of the game and I'll get stuck over there. It's not such a bad thing but my life and my responsibilities, of course, are here. There is also a small matter of the cost and the amount of the COVID tests needed.  My gosh, you certainly are paying premium prices for them over there.  Someone is doing good business out of others but hopefully, things are moving in the right direction as government officials are expected to make 33 reciprocal arrangements with other countries, which hopefully will give the travel industry, a bit of a boost, and us Expats some hope of seeing the people that we love. Having said that, I've just read an article about travellers arriving into Heathrow last Saturday, where they were forced to queue for about three hours after only one official was there to check passports. Why only one official?  God only knows, the people missed connecting buses and taxis they booked.   A passenger who landed at around 7:30 pm local time complained that he didn't get through passport control until after 10:30 pm that night. I'd like to know, why one of the busiest airports in the world had only one official checking passport, that's ridiculous!  Welcome to Heathrow International Airport 2021!

Technology has really moved on in the last month Fuengirola has added drones to the beaches. They've flown over 900 missions in the last month. The Costa del Sol is the only municipality in the whole of Spain at the moment, who has these drones, and they're there to rescue swimmers, locate lost children, and to help prevent accidents.  They're also being used for surveillance in searching for missing people. This is really futuristic stuff. The drones also come equipped with loudspeakers, so they can relay a message to beachgoers or give out any warnings that people should be aware of. They also carry a life jacket and a defibrillator. Isn't that brilliant. They operate between the hours of 11 am and 8 pm and can fly for about 40 to 45 minutes at a time.  A bit Big Brother but an excellent gadget to save lives and keep the beaches safe. I'm quite impressed with that. Apparently, these will be an operation until September the 15th, when the summer season here ends. 

Now, here's a strange but scary story I read this week. Apparently, an Austrian man sustained eye-watering injuries to his genital area, when he encountered a five-foot Python hiding in his toilet. I would have pooped myself to say it mildly. I freak out if I see a cockroach, never mind a flipping snake.  The 65-year-old had nipped off to the loo plunked himself on the seat and got one hell of a surprise. Police said the man said he did feel a pinch on his bits, a pinch?  I bet he did, I bet he felt more than a pinch. When the unlucky beggar stood up to inspect the bowl, he was stunned to see a huge albino Python, staring back at him. Man, that would have sent me shrieking down the road with my drawers around my ankles. The snake reportedly belonged to a neighbour and had escaped before choosing the unsuspecting man's toilet for a nice spot for a rest.    A local reptile expert and police officers were called in to remove it. The man was bitten, was taken to hospital and treated for minor injuries, minor injuries, maybe he just had a small one but luckily he escaped with a little more than a nasty shock and a story to tell.  Fortunately, the snake wasn't venomous. The animal was also injured, thank heavens for that or you'd have had all the animal rights people up in arms, and it was returned to his 24-year-old owner next door after a quick clean..... yuck!           Police said the man keeps a total of 11 venomous snakes and a gecko in his apartment in specially designed cages and drawers. Sod that!   What's the phone number for the nearest estate agent?   His neighbour didn't even realise the Python was missing until the police brought it back. I'm so glad I don't live next door to him. 

Well, guys, I'm going to keep it short and sweet this week, as I'm still recovering from the mad weekend, all the alcohol and the screaming that I've done. I wish you a wonderful week. Take care,  stay safe, and as always, from me Michelle,  Hasta Luego from the Costa del Sol.

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Michelle Johnstone  0:00  Hola Funky Media listeners..... I'm back.  Did you miss me last week ?  Yes it´s Essex here out of the darkness and back in the light reporting to you from the Costa del Sol.        Oy what a week I had on my way to the podcast last week.  My woes started at 9am last Monday morning when the electricity company here decided to cut the power to my house. God only knows why, which stopped me dead in my tracks to record last week's podcast for you. Let me just add that the bill had been paid. Just in case you are wondering but Endesa made a monumental mistake, which took them four days to correct. Yes, we were living in the house for four days with no electricity, because some idiot at Endesa in their infinite wisdom decided to cut the power which took us from Monday morning to Thursday afternoon to get switched back on and you thought  British Gas was bad. Therefore, I was unable to record my weekly rant. So here goes. I've had no air conditioning in this sweltering 30 odd degree heat, no way of cooking, no fridge, no freezer, no lights and no hot water, as my house is completely electric. The only upside is, I haven't had to cook for four days. There's a lot to be said for food delivery. I even have electric security shutters installed by moi,  here Ace of Shades which are impossible to lift. So the only way out of the house is through the front door.   I couldn't even open the shutters to get into my garden. I was trapped in a dark house.   I was going mental at them in Spanish, of course but as everything here in Spain, they work at the same speed,.......... slow ..........and everything here is Manaña.   Trying to get through to Endesa after going through multiple press this number for this option, then press this number for another and that's just a speak to a representative, all in Spanish, I might add, because at Endesa, they no speaka da English. It was a nightmare. Constant promises from them every day, with sorry about the mistake, it'll be back on by 12pm and with them closing at 2pm like most Spanish companies, it was head banging.      The power finally came back on at 1pm last Thursday, to say I was peed off would be an understatement and don't think I won't be going after some sort of compensation on my next bill for this massive error. My neighbours were absolutely fantastic. They were bring me flasks of hot water and charging up our phones so we could communicate with the outside world and to top it off, my car was the garage for repairs. I couldn't have picked a worse week so, I couldn't even leave my house if I wanted to. Here in Spain. we've only just got other electricity suppliers we can switch to, which I will be looking into for sure, but for the longest time, Endesa had the monopoly on electricity here. So the choices were  "Do you want electric or not ?"  Thank goodness it's summer and the days are long because as soon as the sun went down, we were plunged into total darkness and I was walking around the house like the ´Lady with the Lamp´  Nothing gets done urgently here. 

Anyway, back to the news this week Easyjet and Ryanair, are getting ready for more UK visitors. as of your freedom day this week. How's that going for you by the way, do you feel free ?  Ryanair believes there will be some 5 million passengers to and from Malaga this year.  EasyJet are optimistic too, reporting an increase of 400% in bookings this week. It seems people have decided to fly to Spain, despite it being on the amber list, as there is no quarantine upon return, supposedly, for anyone who's been double pricked. Well, At least until your track and trace app starts pinging you. I'm hearing a lot of people are removing the NHS track and trace app, including some government officials and it's becoming unviable as lots of people are being pinged for no reason. So you could actually be negative, and still have to quarantine for 10 days, if you get pinged.     It could be your neighbour, who's tested positive, and you've been pinged because you share a wall with them. Well, that was 32 million pounds of taxpayers money well spent, ....NOT...... Costa hotels are predicting, they will have a 60% occupancy by August due to the surge in bookings since last week. So, there is still hope of a summer holiday in the sun.   Numbers have gone up slightly here in Andalucia but they are finding that most COVID patients in intensive care here are the over 50s, who refused the vaccine. Out of 102 people hospitalised,  64% of them are unvaccinated according to the figures. A spokesman called Elias Bendodo,....love his name, said that none of the patients admitted had had both their jobs. So let's hope this vaccination works, and we can all go back to living our normal ish lives. Spain's first severe lockdown which lasted several weeks, where we were not allowed to leave our homes, unless it was for essential reasons, has this week been ruled unconstitutional. The court ruling could open the door to a wave of possible lawsuits and the annulment of 1.2 million fines that were issued during that period. This should be interesting. I'll try and keep on top of this one, to report it back to you at a future date. Spain is also set to approve the sale of COVID-19 self diagnosis kits available in the chemist, without prescriptions. Why on earth would you need a prescription for this God only knows. This was refused before because the Ministry of Health here, alleged it would give us a false sense of security from the fact, but they were also saying that they were completely unreliable. Brilliant !!  I can't see myself rushing to the Farmacia for a self testing kit if it can't be relied on. What is the point ?  I think we're all tired of this COVID thing now. It's taken up the news every day for the last 18 months and everyone's fed up.  Surely, we are adult enough to do the right thing, keep ourselves safe and get on with living our lives. After all, it seems to be okay for government ministers who are playing the same game as us, except by a different set of rules. 

How many people crowded into Wembley Stadium for the Euro 2020 final, which sadly we lost. I think it's so unfair when a game of such importance ends in penalties. The bars and pubs here were rammed with Brits cheering on the England team. Still, it's over now and well done to our lads for making second place out of all the teams that participated. You can't win them all but our boys and Gareth Southgate did a great job and made us all very proud. 

Now, spiders and bugs totally freak me out and this is the time of year when we start to see cockroaches, not my favourite bug by any shot they scare the watsits out of me but a woman has described her horror after discovering 18 snakes writhing under her bed as she was about to go to sleep. Must have been a bit  "I'm a celebrity" don't you think ?  The encounter left her scared shirtless, shall we say (you got to keep it clean) and freaked out.  No doubt, I would have left home. People would have heard me yelling my husband's name from three streets away.   This poor woman had to do a double take after noticing what she initially thought was a piece of fuzz moving on the floor. Can you imagine ?  Actually it´s probably better not to. She eventually found a mother snake and 17 babies after turning the bedroom, upside down. Trish Wilcher said, "I'm struggling to move about the house much less sit down anywhere. I may need a cardiologist after this"....... me to love !!   I think I would have had a heart attack !!         All the snakes have now been found and just for the record, they were brown, non venomous snakes but still, I'd be forever looking under things and on pins. I'm still getting over the paranoia of finding a cockroach swimming in my toilet,

A Florida man, stole candles from a mall store, candles, what the heck ?  Maybe he had an electric power cut too and he's sprayed dozens of patrons with a mace repellent before escaping police said.  The theft happened Saturday afternoon at a Bath and Bodyworks store in a mall in Miami, Florida, investigators said.  The unidentified suspect, entered the store, filled a bag with candles and then started spraying people with mace. About 35 people were affected, some were taken to hospitals for treatment, including the store manager, a portion of the mall was evacuated after the macing. The man believed responsible got away in a cab. The suspect could face numerous armed robbery and aggravated battery charges. Once he's arrested.   Battery ?  I thought they were candles and while we're on the subject, the world's most expensive candle named "Smells like Capitalism" has been put on sale priced at 2021 pounds.  Its maker ´Flaming Crap´ says it gives off a musky leather aroma with notes of great British Sterling kept in an offshore account, whatever that smells like.   At that price. I wouldn't even want to burn it if I didn't have electric. It was inspired by Gwyneth Paltrows "This smells like my Vagina" candle, ........really ? would you want your room flooded with Gwyneth Paltrows odours ?  methinks not.   The world's gone bloody mad. What happened to all the talc and  floral scents ?  Don't think I'll be rushing out to buy either one of those,  electricity or no electricity. Well, that's me caught up for this week, I may try to develop a candle which I shall call "L´eau de 1000 Brussel sprouts", why not ?                                                I hope you all have a brilliant week, and enjoy your newfound freedom and long may it last. We look forward to seeing you all in Spain again soon, to enjoy the sun, sand, sea and sangria. Until next week. Have a good one, stay safe, and as always from me Michelle,  Hasta Luego from the Costa del Sol.

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Michelle Johnstone  0:00  Hola Funky Media listeners from a completely scorching Costa del Sol.                          

Hi everyone, Essex here and I feel like the Wicked Witch of the North, like in The Wizard of Oz, you know  the bit ?  "Dorothy I'm melting".  Over the weekend, the temps here, we're in the 40s in some places and when you're rushing around in it and the car is registering 41 degrees at four o'clock in the afternoon........Wow !  Yesterday it was 35 degrees in the shade. Still, it's been an interesting week, everything is functioning normally here, I'm noticing that there are a lot of Belgians and Danes here at the moment but the British are trickling in slowly with no problems in the airport this end at all and they seem to be saying, "to hell with the amber list"  If it's okay for certain government health ministers to break the rules. it's okay for me. Here, we only have to wear masks in the shops now which is fair enough, I can live with that but the restaurants and bars are coming back to life. People are enjoying themselves on the beach and we do have a few more Brits here at the moment, and the ones I've spoken to have that "to hell with their attitude". That man, Matt Hancock fiasco, finish them off completely, and now they seem to have adopted the what I call, ´stuff it attitude´. We're going on holiday, we're going to see our loved ones, and we're going to the properties we invested in on the Costa del Sol, we're going to have a good time and to heck with a quarantine when we get back. Come on, Boris, you need to stop this farce now. The Costa del Sol is safe. If people have a negative test or two jobs, set us all free or we will have no immunity to anything. I'm not dissing the Delta variant. No one wants to get sick, and I'm certainly sympathetic to what we have all been through, but it's time to let the people decide to go back to a normal ish life. Even here, I see the odd person driving in a mask by themselves in the car. And I think ....."What the heck ?" ..... "Is that necessary ?"  Let people decide before everyone loses their minds from paranoia and fear.

Funny, I read your lovely comments and messages from my podcast and from what I read, I realise that you like it when I rant. Sure you like the funny stories, but you seem to like it when I rant, so that's what I'm going to do. As I go about my business and a weekend of dining on the beach. Well, just Saturday night with friends who funny enough have just arrived from the UK for a few weeks.  Which is good and bad, good because it's so lovely to see them and bad because my wine intake goes up considerably.  On Friday night, my old man plays in a charity walking football match for a great cause. I am so proud of him. Sadly, his team didn't win, but a lot of money was raised for a very sick young woman here who has been diagnosed with motor neuron disease. One of the nice things about living here is the sense of community. It's a kinda, we try and look after our own mentality. That was also the night, Spain won their last game in the Euro 2020 competition that is currently on and the bar at the football ground went crazy. As we all threw COVID caution to the wind and crowded around the bar maskless and screaming as Spain went through on penalties. You see, if England and Spain, end up playing in the final, it's a win win situation for us Brits here in Spain. We get to party either way,  As far as flags go, I've got one of each, so I'm ready. I don't know why,  I'm not really into football that much but one must keep up appearances in order to be able to indulge and enjoy the revelry. 

Now, while we're on the subject of live broadcasting. I see the BBC have decided to backtrack and go back to the over 75 again, starting this week. When the BBC said they weren't going to send in any of their goons,.....sorry, let's give them their proper name "TV licence inspectors" (cough)  "Salesmen" who are back out chasing the silver tops. They said they wouldn't visit their houses, well guess what ?  They've changed their minds. There are about 260,000 over 75, who have not paid their TV licence but then who is to say that they need one. When a lot of people are getting their news from other sources and journalists are reporting live on places like YouTube and Twitch, as opposed to the lefty presenters like the BBC, people are tuning out. I'm telling you the BBC is reaching its sell by date, and its only chance is advertising or subscription. Not everyone wants to see what they're churning out. Well, to be perfectly honest we're all watching ´Corrie´and ´EastEnders´ here in Spain, but some of the programming, let's be fair is total crap. This is a not a good look for a public broadcaster to be chasing the people that built this country, paid in all these years, paid their taxes and their TV licences. This subject really gets under my skin. I think they should leave the pensioners alone, some time the TV is their only company, a voice in the background for them to hear. It's disgusting and it's disrespectful BBC !

One of the things I've noticed as well is the price of food and electricity going up here, just at the time when we seriously need our air conditioning. I haven't seen a Scotch check in months and Iceland Overseas and other British supermarkets here are struggling to get certain items over to Spain thanks to Brexit.  Remember that ?  That was the last pandemic was swept over us. Ireland can't get sausages. What in this world is going on ?  I despair. I think they should let the people decide. Isn't this why we choose MPs and politicians to represent us, the people ?  At least there's no shortage of sunshine and Sangria to keep up our spirits. Crikey, this is turning into a soap box week by week. 

Well this week, we say goodbye to the Peseta for good. Not that you can spend them out here but people have been collecting them as nostalgia or had them lying around the house but as of June, the 30th, you can no longer hand them back to the bank if you wanted to change them. They are to be archived. The Peseta was the currency here until March 1st, 2002, when the Euro came in. Personally, I loved Pesetas because when you changed your money up. It was the only time in your life you came close to becoming a millionaire. You change up some pounds and presto depending on where you were in the world, you'd have 5 million escudos. Only then to realise that an ice cream would cost you 3000 of those and that's without the flake. Now we're moving into the world of cryptocurrency, which we're all trying to understand before our governments do.  Life as we know it has certainly changed over the years.                        I did watch the infamous statue unveiling this week, am I the only one left disappointed ? Diana was so glamorous vibrant and beautiful. I don't think that statue did her any justice at all. I sort of went  "ugh".... with disappointment when they uncovered it. The ´ginger woke whinger´... sorry Prince Harry. He didn't hang around long did he ?      Before you could say "piff, paff, poof´ he was off back to the ball and chain at the palace in Montecito, California. Couldn't even hang around for one more day to see his 95 year old granny. Her Majesty the Queen.  Respect, .....out the window. 

Finally, the things we do these days, Lilah Parsons a name that some of you might recognise, she's a 33 year old Heart FM presenter tried out some fake tan drops for the first time. I'm guessing you take these orally, hopefully, she was expecting a ´soft subtle glow´but woke up the next day with a not quite as she expected. In a video she posted to Tik Tok, of course, because a lot of people like to embarrass themselves on social media these days, posted it as a warning to our friends saying, If you don't see me for a while, it´s because I'm undercover because I had a little accident. I think that happened to me with hair dye once.   The former Capitol breakfast co host, then showed off her bright orange face, which I gotta tell you, is several shades darker than her neck, Lilah captured the hilarious post ·Never Fake Tanning Again",  the clip has been watched by over 288,000 people online with hundreds of people offering her advice and condolences. One person actually wrote, "Girl,  You're only supposed to use a couple of drops".   Maybe she had a tumbler full because she certainly turned orange. In fact, if she was a bit shorter, she could have auditioned as an Umpah Loompah in Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory.  Lord knows what our insides look like. Well mis amigos, that's it for this week. I'm off to fry eggs on my freshly cleaned car bonnet.   That'll save me some pesetas on my electric bill.                                            

Have a great week, stay safe, and until next week, as always, from me Michelle,      

Hasta Luego, from the Costa del Sol.

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Michelle Johnstone  0:01  Hola Funky Media listeners, Essex here again, the week's seem to fly by so fast, don't they. We've had a good week here in Spain. Although the temperatures have gone through the roof. As of last Saturday, we are no longer required to wear masks outside, which is very welcome in this heat. We only need to wear a mask to go into stores and initially to go into restaurants. So life here is pretty much going back to normal. Everyone is just going about their business. I said last week that I was hoping they would move my second jab up and they did. I received a phone call from the NHS here and had my second dose on Saturday and I'm glad to report, other than a sore arm,  I had no other discomforts. I then downloaded my QR code from the NHS app to say that I have been double pricked, so, all is well. Did I ever mention, we have an app here for our doctor surgery, so you can go online and book a doctor's appointment if you need one and it's always easy to get an appointment within the following day or two. They really have a great system and the medical attention here is fantastic. In fact, the Costa del Sol Hospital has been voted one of the best hospitals in Spain. So we are very lucky here. It's still very quiet here on our beaches and resorts with the lack of British tourists, cases of Coronavirus are down here and our hospitals are doing well, so I am still confused as to why we are still on the amber list when it seems that you are more of a risk to us than we are to you. So, the breaking news here today is that, as of this coming Thursday, travellers from the UK will be required to have a negative PCR test or proof of completed vaccinations, in order to enter Spain, where, up until now, all you needed was to fill in a locator form. This measure is being taken due to the rise of infections in the UK. The report for Andalucia is 165 cases per 100,000 inhabitants, over the last 14 days. Andalucia is a very large province with about eight and a half million inhabitants, so, numbers are very low. We're currently showing positivity tests are down at 4.3% throughout the whole of Spain. So here on the Costa del Sol, we're all feeling pretty safe. Well over 50% of the population in the whole of Spain have now already received at least one dose of the COVID-19 vaccine and one in three people have had the full schedule. The regional president of Andalucia, Juanma Moreno is pleased with the pace of the vaccinations and reckons that 70% of our province should be vaccinated by the eighth or ninth of July.                                                                       Now, people renting out their homes and spare rooms on sites such as Airbnb and booking.com are back on the tax offices radar again. The holiday letting sector has been waiting to have to comply with new rules that were put on hold in 2019.  Owners will now be required to inform them of each reservation,  how much was paid and for what property. The government has rushed to get these revised laws hurried through, so as not to lose out on the lucrative summer season tax income and quite rightly so in my opinion. With too many people playing the system, if caught, they will now be hit with some hefty fines. I'm all for this, these people have been exploiting the system for far too long.

In other news here, residents with UK driving licences will be allowed to carry on using them until October, 31st. This was due to stop on June the 30th and then, instead of being able to trade licences, you would have been required to take a Spanish driving test but Britain and Spain are trying to reach a deal which will mean that those with the UK permit won't need to take the Spanish test. Due to the pandemic everything has been held up and those people who successfully registered with the DGT traffic office prior to the end of 2020 but haven't received their residency will have until December to swap. Another gift from Brexit. From my experience, as long as you learn how to park on a roundabout and not use indicators to signal to people where you're going, the test should be a doddle.  Spanish drivers are terrible, it´s a standard joke here that Spanish cars are built without turn signals. It's just a guessing game as to where they're turning off.   In the news this week I see Boris has moved the Balearic Islands the green list. So at least if you're looking for some sun, sand, sangria and a short flight from the UK, Majorca, Menorca and Ibiza are open to you but can you trust him is the question ?       It would be a nightmare for him to do what he did with Portugal, a few weeks ago and suddenly backtrack again leaving people scrambling for flights back at the last minute. 

Oh my god ! don't do as I do, do as I say, Matt Hancock.  Hands,  space, embrace has filled the news here and it's okay for me to grope my aide.   Millionaire Gina, Coladangelo who has three children of her own and is an entrepreneur and advisor for the Department of Health, is also a longtime friend of his from Oxford and was given the job last March. This just smacks of cronyism, doesn't it ?   I do feel sorry for Matt Hancock's wife and children having to watch his infidelity plastered all over the news all weekend.  Poor woman must be feeling so bad. It's not enough that he did the dirty on his Mrs. but now she has reporters camped outside her house like pariahs, which I don't think is fair to her or her three children.  Spineless Boris couldn't fire him obviously, as he's had a few dalliances himself and let's face it, he hasn't been a fine example in the keeping his trousers on department either but I think the affair is a distraction from the money and the contracts that he's doled out to his nearest and dearest, which I think is the bigger issue here. I hope the UK fully investigates that because from my view, the affair is just a distraction, as I said from the main story.  Her brother, Roberto Coladangelo gets a nice contract out of it, while his friend the pub landlord, Alex Bourne secured a nice 30 million deal to supply test tubes for COVID tests, all paid by the British taxpayer and now, Matt Hancock is in line for a 16,000 golden goodbye after quitting amidst his scandalous affair. What other job could you do the dirty on your partner and get a golden handshake like that ?  Incredible !  Is that fair ?  No wonder the general public have had enough. The world has turned upside down with all this wokery, it's hardly surprising that there were protests in London this past weekend, where 10s of 1000s of people were standing up for their freedom and their rights. People have had enough of the double standards and I am totally with you on this. Funny how there was very little news coverage of that, considering the amount of people who turned up to protests but it was plastered all over YouTube, like I said last week, it´s one rule for them, and another for us. I think it's great that the people have come together to voice their displeasure, especially with all the controversy this week. It's time that people reminded these civil servants who they work for and who pays their wages. 

Now, enough ranting for this week, moving on. When we were young and our baby teeth fell out, we were encouraged to pop them under our pillows at night in the hopes that the Tooth Fairy would visit, take it away and leave behind a treasure in its place. Now, when I was a child, that would be about half a crown but then when decimalisation came in, it went up to 50 pence. A mother took to social media, of course and social media has a lot to answer for, to ask opinions of what people put under their children's pillows for teeth these days. Well, when I saw the responses, my "flabber" was well and truly "gasted".  When I found out that some parents paid 20 pounds for the first tooth lost and because it's a milestone and 10 pounds for each tooth after that. I never realised that the tooth fairy had become so expensive. Now that's inflation for you.......wow !                                                                                                    And here we go again. There seems to be a pattern emerging here. A team of emergency rescue divers were called out after a nude woman was reported drowning off Japan's north coast by YouTuber filming a fishing video. After responding to the scene of the nude drowning woman, they discovered that it was actually...... wait for it...... a floating life size sex doll.   The gaffe was chronicled on Twitter, (God bless social media) by a YouTuber called Natsuki Tanaka who was filming and had initially believed she was witnessing a real life rescue.  These dolls sure do get around and seem to be popping up everywhere in the news. I just can't get that episode of Only Fools and Horses out of my brain. Maybe Dell boy has been at it again.                                       Well folks, that's it for this week. I hope the sun is shining on you, wherever you are.  If you're going on holiday have a fab time. I wish you all a wonderful week. Stay safe, and as always, for me, Michelle, until next week, Hasta Luego from the Costa del Sol.

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Michelle Johnstone 0:01 Hola Funky Media listeners, well it's another week in paradise and things could be returning to a new kind of normal here next week, fingers crossed. Let's say we are expecting some good news by the end of this week. Hi guys, it's Essex here with your weekly review on what's happening on the coast and beyond. As I mentioned, we are all waiting with bated breath to see if mask restrictions are about to be lifted in public outside places, this week, as of the 26th of June. This seems to be the date that we are all glued to. This will come as a welcome relief to most of us, as the temperatures soar and wearing a mask in this heat is becoming unbearable. However, it all hinges on the numbers of infections and hospital pressure, which, if the current numbers are anything to go by, are looking pretty good. So far in Andalusia, 36.7% of the inhabitants have received both doses of the vaccine and at least 54% of us have received one dose but as I mentioned in previous weeks, the vaccine programme has been ramped up and they believe that most of the population would have received both doses by the end of July. They also now talking about bringing the AstraZeneca jobs forward by two weeks. So, instead of the 12 week waiting period, it will be reduced to 10 weeks with the National Health Service here informing people by text or by phone. Personally, I hope they do follow through with this as my next jab is on the 30th of June but to be honest, I'll be happy to get over this and finally get it out the way. Unfortunately, that doesn't bring me any closer to visiting my family in the UK as the ridiculous traffic light system out of lockdown still seems to be stalling. Even though Spain is a safe destination. Travelling into Spain is a doddle however, no PCR tests required just a locator form that needs to be filled out. Travelling back to the UK though seems to bring a lot of unnecessary expense and misery in the form of PCR tests. My neighbours, just came out for two weeks to check on their property and by the time they returned home, it has cost them an additional 1000 pounds on top of their trip in order to follow British protocol and are still having to quarantine for the next 10 days. Seems a bit unfair for a young family with two children. Especially in a time where money is tight, and people just want to get away for a holiday abroad. We need to get back to some kind of normal. Let's face it, this never seems to be going away although the numbers have dropped dramatically here but I think there's always going to be that threat out there. So, what do we do? Do we lock ourselves away for the rest of our lives or do we try and regain some semblance of normal and let grownups make their own decisions? Personally, I'm for the latter, after all, it's been nearly two years, and I feel our freedom of choice and speech is slowly being taken away from us. I'm sure people are sensible enough to do what is right for them. I think we've been controlled for way too long now. You Brits, can't get out and enjoy yourselves but your leaders can manage to have a nice barbecue on the beach with a lack of masks and social distancing when they think the cameras aren´t watching. These double standards have to stop before they diminish all of our human rights and tick off an entire nation who are already teetering on the edge. Costa hotels here are losing around 25 million euros a week, all the time Britain is on the Amber's list. It´s enough already, Boris, people have done everything you've asked, it's time to let common sense prevail, and let people decide for themselves. With our hospital pressure at 4% and our ICU´s coping at low levels. Is this really necessary? I think maybe Sir Cliff Richard should come out with a revised version of "We're not going on a summer holiday". Did you know that pantos are already being cancelled for Christmas? I can hear you saying already. Oh no, they're not. Oh yes, they are.

I noticed that the GB launched a new news channel this week too. GB news which is supposed to report the news, fairly and unbiased if that's at all possible. The BBC is already trying to sabotage it as they're only interested in reporting their left-wing propaganda at us so we view the news, the way that they want us to see it. Yes, this week, my rant is on the BBC, more interested in box-ticking, as opposed to employing the best candidates for the job. Has the BBC become a dinosaur in our emerging world? How can anyone justify paying 159 pounds for a TV licence after the covering up of people like Martin Bashir and Jimmy Savile with all the executives, deflecting the blame like a tennis ball, and no one is willing to put their hand up, tell the truth or apologise. Lord Hall is denying it was even his fault, even though this all happened under his watch and Tim Davie now doing the same. Now, on the subject of the BBC, there has been quite a bit of controversy as they employ people from a company called Capita, whose goons, which by the way, are only salesmen are employed to frighten vulnerable people into paying their TV licence. I have seen incidents this week of them reading, Miranda rights to the public, which in fact is not legal and can only be done by the police. If you do encounter any of these doorstep harassers don't engage with them. Don't let them into your home and invoke their right to harass you. Unless you are watching live broadcasts and they can prove it, there is nothing they can do. You can watch most shows that you watch now on catch up and if you're only watching things like Netflix, Amazon Prime or YouTube, you do not need a TV licence and they have absolutely no power. The way we view TV nowadays has changed so much, making the BBC antiquated and almost redundant. TV detector vans, what a joke! They are completely bogus and can't determine your TV signal from the house next door. Unless you give them access to your home, and TV, they can't actually check what you've been viewing. So, if someone knocks on your door, be polite, don't proffer any information or sign anything, and close the door promptly. You can also write to the BBC revoking their right to solicit on your property. Did you know that? If you receive a threatening letter, and it's usually addressed to the occupant, not a named person, the advice is bin the letter. That will teach them to start a war with the over 75´s. Less and less people are paying this now, so the BBCs choice will be to either go to a subscription or start courting advertisers. The BBC or the British Bias Corporation as I call it, have other ways of generating capital rather than holding a country to ransom. They own BBC Studios, which earns revenue, plus all the shows they make are syndicated to channels like Dave, which can be viewed without a licence. Seems to me, they just want their cake and eat it, well. don't we all?

Well I have a bit of a follow up for you this week on something I told you about weeks ago. I'll let you decide on this next story. Personally, I think there are definitely people on this planet that have clearly lost the plot. A few weeks ago, I reported a story to you about a pansexual man, a bodybuilder from Kazakhstan, called Yuri Tolochko who married a synthetic doll, to put it nicely and had a big ceremony. If you cast your minds back, I told you he met his plastic soul mate in a bar. Well, if that's not weird enough, it seems they are now getting a divorce, as he's cheated on her, not once but twice with a synthetic object and a supermarket chicken whilst Margo, the plastic doll was away having, can you guess ? plastic surgery. Makes you wonder what on earth could Margo have done been doing other than being patched up. Tolochko announced this on a dating show on a radio station this week, and to Instagram, of course, to announce her replacement, not one but to blow up dolls called Lola and Luna and he's now also expressed an interest in marrying a male doll, as well. Poor Margo must be feeling so deflated, as well as feeling properly used, I wonder how you go about raising divorce papers on an inanimate object and what grounds would be applicable for divorce in the first place. I mean, you couldn't go for irreconcilable differences and I'm sure it couldn't have been adultery. Nevertheless, Margo is now the outgoing Mrs Tolochko, who no doubt will become homeless, that is unless he kept her packaging.

Right, I'm off to have a torrid affair with my new multicoloured Lilo. If anyone needs me I'll be floating around my pool with the new love of my life. Until next week, take care, stay safe and as always from me Michelle, Hasta Luego from the Costa del Sol.

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Hola Funky Media listeners, ding ding year two, Essex here coming to you from a scorching and mega hot Costa del Sol. Man ! our temperatures went up a bit lively this week. We went from a pleasant and summer's coming to a rapid rise of 36 degrees so far within a couple of days and it's been like that ever since I spoke to you last. Some of the Spanish are saying that we're expecting our hottest summer on record. Well if it´s this hot in June, God help us in July and August. It'll be full tilt boogie with the air conditioning. Did I mentioned we've had a 20% rise in electricity costs this year ? The hottest part of the day is between 3 and 5pm so by 7pm you're wrecked. Still, no point in moaning, there'll be no stopping it, so we'll just have to deal with it. See, I told you we all like to have a good moan about the weather. And I see we're still on the amber list this week and Lord knows why. If you do travel to Spain from the UK, I found out this week that you do not need a PCR test or to quarantine coming this way but if we come to the UK, we need at least three or four tests, which is costing a fortune on top of the holiday costs. This is all a bit crazy now and I fear some people are taking advantage of the situation. When I looked at the Corona map for Spain last night, our numbers are really quite low. So, how can it be a risk coming to Spain for a break ? Personally, I think it should be the other way round as Britain is more a risk to us in Spain, than we are to the UK. I hear that Boris is not going to let you all free after all on June the 21st, as promised, so much for his roadmap to normality, eh ? That all seems to have gone pear shaped. I just knew he was going to make a U turn. It was obvious it was going to happen. In the meantime, EasyJet has set up a new base in Malaga airport which should create 100 jobs and added a new route from Birmingham as well as three new Airbus A 320s, which will be based on the Costa from March until October. Lord knows why, as we're not getting that much traffic from the UK at the moment and this is what we're hearing that British Airways have furloughed their staff once again and Virgin Atlantic is almost on its knees. I'll be surprised if you get some kind of normal before August or September and to be honest, I don't think the British will see a summer holiday abroad this year at all, unless you're prepared to do the quarantine. So, how does our friend Boris expect the travel industry, amongst others in hospitality to survive ? I don't think he's got a bloody clue to be fair. While here in Spain, we are waiting for word that we can dispense with mask wearing in outside spaces sometime this month, fingers crossed. Our restaurants are open and operating and us locals are trying to make sure it stays that way. Things are a lot more normal here but the hotel industry is going to suffer this year, they already are. I went out for a night out on Saturday which was fabulous with food and entertainment. It was a cracking night, some of us even had a bit of a boogie. Shhhh ! It felt normal, which is something we all haven't felt in a while. Elliott Wright of T.O.W.I.E. fame has reopen the terrace of his restaurant Olivia's this week, after being nearly burnt to the ground in April. Work there is going at a really great speed. The only thing he has to do is open his upstairs terrace, which I'm sure will happen at breakneck speed judging by how the rest of the building work has come along but I think he's also going to hurt through the lack of tourism. Hopefully not. Can you guess who's doing his Awnings ? Yep, Ace of Shades, so I have a bit of the inside scoop of what's going on there. The refurbishment is starting to look fabulous and although it's not really one of my regular hangouts, I do wish him luck. Things have been hard enough as it is but the lack of tourists here is certainly taking its toll. The economy in both countries will be through the floor when the chickens finally come home to roost.

However, some people are braving it and travelling to Spain from the UK, regardless of the quarantine rules upon their return and we've already had two incidents this week we could well do without. What is it with these idiots who participate in balcony diving ? It's known here in Spain as ´Balconing´. A 31 year old man is in serious condition after attempting to jump from the third floor holiday apartment into the pool. He suffered multiple injuries, including severe head trauma, which I think he must have had in the first place for even doing it. Every year these youngsters come here, they get fueled up on alcohol and do these stupid feats. He miscalculated the trajectory and fell on an umbrella in the pool area on the way down. He´s now spending the rest of his holiday in the intensive care unit of Malaga hospital after being transferred there from the Costa del Sol hospital. Also, another young British girl who was intoxicated and inhaling nitrous oxide has landed herself in hospital when she jumped out of a moving car and threw herself off a bridge. You know, these are the kind of tourists that we could do without to be honest. I'm sure this will be one holiday they'll never forget and for that matter, their poor parents.

Changing the subject, to be honest with all this going on and trying to save the planet. I can't believe Boris flew 215 miles from London to Cornwall for the G7 summit last week. They're banging on about saving the planet and reducing our carbon footprints. Why could he not have taken the train ? It´s ridiculous !! and did you notice that one minute, they were elbow bumping to greet one another and the next they we're hugging, not socially distanced or wearing masks. I tell you, it's one rule for us, and another for them. Another classic example of don't do as I do, do as I say. Euro 2020 which is really Euro 2021 started this week, after being cancelled last year. I can't say I'm excited as I'm not a big football fan but even the joy is being sucked out of that too. I'm hearing that you can't boo, cheer or sing. So if England score, you need to remain schtum. I also see that footy fans in the UK could be fined up to 1000 pounds for flying an England flag from their cars because they're saying it's a health and safety hazard. But I can't see a lot of difference between that and having an aerial on top of your car roof. As long as you haven't gone overboard with 20 odd flags. Surely being patriotic and flying the flag, can't be deemed a criminal offence ? When does all this stop ? We really need to get a grip on all this insanity. The lunatics are indeed running the asylum. I can remember when I lived in the UK, during these tournament's and the World Cup, we all used to fly the flag on our cars in support and pride for our nation. They weren't a danger then. The only danger back then was having someone nicking it off of your car. Frankly Boris, I think the time has come for you to stick your head up your back passage and blow your nose until the pressure equalises. And this taking of the knee thing is also starting to wind me up now. I am all for black lives matter but personally I think politics should be kept out sports. What next ? The cast of ´Les Mis´ or ´Mary Poppins´ taking to the knee before performances ? That's if the theatres ever open up. It's enough now. I'm finding it offensive and I have to say, even my black friends here, feel the same. Politics has no place in entertainment. Whatever happened to having fun and human rights ? It all seems to have been eaten up during this pandemic. Our world has changed so much in the last two years, especially by the WOKE brigade. What's next, you have to ask ? I know this is a podcast and it's supposed to be moments from the Costa del Sol, but compared to here, most of the news I'm reading seems to be coming from your end. Spain hasn´t imposed any of these crazy laws. Besides, we're all still concentrating on how to keep our speed down to 20 miles per hour on certain roads here, while trying to keep our cars momentum. Did I mention my poor husband received a speeding ticket this week, 100 euro fine and three points on his licence ? He wasn't too happy when he came home from work.

On a lighter note, a giant tortoise somehow ended up a mile from his home and had to be taken back in a police van. It took three police officers to lift up Titan the tortoise, who is 35 years old and measures a metre across after he was spotted around 2:25 on Friday in Kesgrave near Ipswich. I wonder if he escaped of that ark I was telling you about last week. Actually, Titan who weighs nine stone lives in a garden in Suffolk, where he is pinned in by a three-foot tall fence. There was no sign of the fence being broken, and he can't jump over it. Maybe he was swooped up by a ´Shellycopter´ His owner has no idea how he escaped his enclosure and believes he may have been teleported out. Beam me up Titan.....

Well as another week of insanity comes to a close and the sun burns down on España, I'm off for a swim, followed by lay down in my chest freezer to cool my head before it explodes from the heat and all this nonsense. I'll be back next week with more ranting and raving. Until then, have a great week lovely people, try and have some fun, stay safe and as always, from me Michelle, Hasta Luego from the Costa del Sol.

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