Hola Funky Media listeners, it's Michelle/Essex with greetings from the sunshine in the Costa del Sol. Well after the mad storms we had two weeks ago this week has been glorious with wall to wall sunshine. It's like summers come early to the coast. I'm not sure how long this will last but last Friday we had 25 degrees here which is about 77 degrees in old money. It's a bit bizarre because one minute you're looking for your wellies and raincoat and the next it´s sunbathing weather, which kind of makes it hard to decide what to wear day to day, Because it's so cool in the mornings and warm by lunchtime, I call this the onion season. You know where you layer up and slowly remove the layers as the days go on.

Well, I'd love to be able to report that the Costa del Sol is vibrant and exciting but nothing could be further from the truth and I only wish I could open the wardrobe door and disappear into the land of Narnia. We're all still living under rigid COVID restrictions here and so it goes on. Another week, another set of figures for this awful pandemic and according to RTVE, which is the Spanish Radio and Television Corporation, we now have 7,703 cases with 981 of those diagnosed in the last 24 hours here in Andalusia. That's if the figures are to be believed. Now, don't get me wrong I'm not conspiracy theorist in any way but depending on what source you go to the numbers differ but unfortunately, not by much. Our hospital pressure here in Andalucia has jumped up again to 25.82% and the ICU´s, are now at 37.16%. Where we look like we were making some progress down here in the south, we now seem to be going backward and into some very dangerous territory, because if the numbers go up to 1000 per 100,000 inhabitants, we are surely headed for much tougher restrictions, if not, a total lockdown. Some of the other provinces like Valencia, have extremely high numbers. So for example in Benidorm, everything is closed and locked down. Their hospital pressure is at 41% and their ICU´s at 63%. So as you can see, the NHS here is also feeling the pressure. We're still stuck in our own municipalities here on the Costa del Sol with everything still closing at 6pm. The only way you could leave the Municipality and go into a neighbouring town, is if it's for essential reasons only, like work, visiting a doctor or a hospital and then you have to prove, have proof on you that that's where you're going. The police are out fining anyone who breaks these regulations and with three Police forces here to reckon with they really don't mess about. Apparently the word from the Andalucian government is 52,000 doses of the Moderna vaccine will be distributed from February the 1st with another 600,000 doses arriving by the end of February. Spain, also expects to receive 1,779,570 doses of the BioNTech Pfizer vaccine during the month of February, making it possible for Spain to share a total of 2,340,000 doses to its autonomous communities. Now, considering the population of Spain is around 46.94 million people with 8.47 million of us living here in Andalucia here alone it seems like a spit in the ocean and it looks like it's going to be another very long year. I'm not expecting to see a needle until about, August, September at this rate in my age group. I'm not gonna lay all the blame on Spain for this hold up, I have to say a lot of the blame lays with the EU and their lack of coordination, Portugal is also having its own nightmare and has completely shut its borders down not allowing anyone from Spain to enter its territories and its reporting 12,435 cases at the end of January.

Now, I had to have a COVID test myself this week due to being in contact with people who had tested positive. There is nothing that wakes you have more than a message telling you you've been in contact with people that are infected and I've got to tell you it was nerve wracking waiting for the results. To say I was nervous would be an understatement. Watching people come out the clinic with their eyes streaming only made me feel worse and you Men, you Men are dreadful. Thank goodness it´s us women that bear children, otherwise the population would just die out. I saw grown men coming out of that clinic, wiping their eyes and shaking. That freaked me out to start with. Then they called me in and what I can only describe as a minute toilet brush was shoved up my nose and yes, I too came out with my eyes streaming. I'm not sure if they were testing to see if I still had a brain. You know they shove it so deep up inside your nose. I'm not sure about the brain but thankfully after the longest 15 minutes of my life, the test results came back negative. The doctor called me into his office to show me the test, and explain the results and there was only one line which meant that I was clear of COVID-19. I must admit I couldn't help wondering if two lines meant I was pregnant. I know, I know I shouldn't joke about such things but sometimes nerves get the better of me.

On the lighter side of life I did something totally ridiculous this week, that had my pharmacist in stitches. During the Christmas period, they were giving away complimentary bottles of gel containing Aloe Vera and Vitamin E and I had an allergic reaction to something this week and was itching like crazy, so, I was prescribed some strong Antihistamine and I told the chemist I've been rubbing this gel into my body to relieve myself of the itching but it was taking so long to absorb it into my skin and it wasn't helping. That's when he fell apart in total hysterics. When he pulled himself together he explained that the bottle of jollup that they had been giving out over Christmas turned out to be shower gel and I'd been rubbing this stuff all over my body for days. It didn't say anything on the bottle about it being shower gel. I know because my Spanish is quite good. It just said gel so I thought because it contains Aloe Vera and Vitamin E, it was body lotion. Talk about lost in translation. I wondered why it went all sparkly and took ages to rub in. Thank goodness I mentioned it to him or I'd still be using this stuff as body lotion and I have to tell you I'm not the only one who did it. When I told some of my friends about my experience, they said they'd done the same thing and they hadn't realised it was shower gel either. That made me feel a lot better knowing that I'm not the only village idiot. To his credit, he did give me another bottle and I have to say, it is really good shower gel.

Now, before I continue with the madness that has become my podcast, I'd like to respond to a lovely lady who sent me a fabulous message this week on the Funky Media website named Barbara, under the heading of Marital Love. Barbara had seen me on Bargain Loving Brits in the Sun and told me that their hair stood up on her arm when I mentioned in the programme that I still fancied my husband after all these years. She then went on to tell me that she felt the same way, not about my husband obviously, Barbara and her husband, who I believe is called Len are celebrating 62 years of marriage this year, 62 years !! Wow ! Barbara you could have committed three murders and been out of prison by now. I'm only kidding my love, I just want to say congratulations to you both. I hope you have many, many more happy and healthy years together. I found your message, really heartwarming. So, thank you for reaching out and telling me. I think that's blooming marvellous, 62 years married. What a feat !!

Now on the subject of love, you remember last week me telling you about the bodybuilder who married the sex doll ? Well it seems he's not the only crazy one out there. I just love a bit of Weird News, don't you ?

A Russian woman called Rain married her friend and mentor..... a briefcase ! Has the world gone completely nuts this year ? The wedding ceremony apparently was held last June, and was officiated by a friend of Rains in Moscow. I bet that was stunning to witness. "Do you briefcase, take this woman Rain to be your lawful wedded wife to having to hold, by strap or handle". The 24 year old said, that she'd been in relationships with men however, she's always been more attracted to objects. Now according to Rain her relationship became official in November 2015, and she has been with Gideon, (that's the name of her briefcase), ever since. Speaking about her relationship with the briefcase, she said that she did not have any idea that she would end up together with Gideon. I can't help thinking her parents must have been elated that she'd bagged herself such a catch. Rain liked how he looked, I'm guessing it might have been all that leather but did not think anything more about it but then she slowly realised she was starting to fall in love.... with a briefcase. Oh my gosh ! You couldn't make this up ! She claims that they have philosophical conversations for three to four hours. I´m betting he can't get a word in edgeways. Philosophical conversations about what ? Now, philosophical conversations are designed, I thought, to stimulate thought and discussion, but with a briefcase ? It makes you wonder what the briefcase had to say for itself. They've also shared hugs and kisses and spent more time together in the evenings and nights, as per Rain. It sounds all very romantic, this briefcase, I wonder if she finds little romantic notes in his pockets. Rain said Gideon is more than just a partner to me, he's a husband, a friend and a mentor. To be honest, I think some people need more than a COVID test. I think they need a brain matter test. I don't get this falling in love with inanimate objects lark, I just think they're stark raving bonkers !! Well, it's making me look at my Microwave oven and a whole new light. I might have a cheeky fling..... Oops, I mean, ping while hubby is at work.

I was really sad this week to hear about Sir Captain Tom Moore, who was taken into hospital this week. I do hope he makes a rapid recovery although I can't imagine why he travelled to Barbados at this time. All that hard work he put into raising money for the NHS but I'm sure he's getting the VIP treatment there. So God bless you, Sir Tom, we all wish you a really speedy recovery.

Well guys, that's all I have for you this week. I hope you all stay well and try not to take a fancy to anything in your household. If you do, please be sure and let me know. I'm going to wrap this up now because the sofa is giving me funny looks. Keep well everyone, try and have a good week and I'll be back with some more barking mad news for you next week. Stay safe and as always, Hasta Luego from me, Michelle in the Costa del Sol.