The End

Okay. It’s over. You were on the receiving end of the ‘we need to talk/it’s not you/we can still be friends’ speech. This comes as a shock to you. They seem perfectly okay with moving on. Meanwhile, you struggle to eat, work, and even breathe. You may have even been toyed with or cheated on. What you do now, at this point, is critical. How do you move on after an unexpected breakup?

What Next?

Most people either tell themselves ‘it’s no big deal’ and deny the pain – or they wallow in the pain until they can hardly claw their way out. Neither approach is healthy. Neither leads to healing.

But, healing and getting healthy is exactly what needs to happen next. Moving on in a healthy way means facing reality, forgiving your ex, refocusing, and giving yourself some time to heal.

Reality

Now is not the time for magical thinking, denial or exaggeration. Now is the time for facing reality head on and dealing with it. Moving on in a healthy way means working your way through it. Unfortunately, in times like these, we tend to engage in things that are at best useless and at worst harmful.

Magical Thinking

One of the most common reactions to a breakup comes in the form of magical thinking. The things that led to the breakup are probably deep rooted and have been growing unseen for a long time. That is reality, but we still think there is some magical quick fix we can apply that will make everything better. If we just do this certain thing everything will go back to ‘normal’.

Deal with reality. If, and that is a big if, your relationship is salvageable, it will be a long-term project. Everything is different now. There are no quick fixes. There is no going back to the way things were. 

All My Fault

A lot of us tend toward another untruth – it’s all my fault. If only I had (fill in the blank)                       they would still want me. Or, if only I hadn’t (fill in the blank)                       we would still be together. That may or may not be the case. Don’t assume. Look at it more critically. Don’t let your default assumptions shape your thinking. It’s usually more complicated than what your default thinking allows for – especially if you tend to be harsh on yourself.

All Their Fault

On the other extreme, many people make the assumption that it’s all their ex’s fault. Some people live under the delusion that they are always right. If there was a problem, it must have been with their ex.

Because of their inability to see their own shortcomings they never grow and make the changes they need to make to have a better relationship next time around. They are probably headed for another breakup at some point which they will again see as all the other person’s fault.

The Truth

Relationships rarely come down to one specific event or failure. Usually, there is some event that brings everything to a head, but that event is not the cause of the breakup. And, usually, there is at least some shared blame. It is rarely a simple black and white matter where one is all wrong and one is all right.

Don’t spend too much time on the post-mortem. You do need to move on. But, do think it through enough to realize that it’s usually not entirely one person’s fault. So, think it through. What part of it was your fault? What part was their fault? Then, take 100% responsibility for your part. If it is only 10% your fault, own 100% of your 10%.

Forgive!

Whatever percent of the blame you assign to your ex, forgive them. Even in the unlikely event that you are perfect and it is 100% their fault, forgive them. This is essential. You will never heal or grow as a person, you will never move on and thrive until you forgive your ex.

Why are we so hesitant to forgive? There are many reasons.