☣️Ms Xxan

in my head is a button that says play it’s pressed over and over as though it’s not working but it works and the button masher knows that on some level they press it more frantically it’s the same patterns sameness amplified when it hits it’s like a blackout my sight merges with my unconscious imagining, colors flash near blackout would be more correct everything is in slow motion medication taken just a little over the limit it stopped helping only slows cognition impairs coordination concentration, capacity for memory fake sleep this place i enter makes me drop things and fall like I shouldn’t be here or i’ve never walked before i shouldn’t be anywhere really eyes roll back and world goes upside down as i faint and fall brace for impact otherwise i can only sit and stare stare at blankness garbled textscrolling incoherence the gag reel everything takes too long the constant dripping of guilt and shame on my head an ickiness memories of how they made me feel it drips on my head over and overas the button masher pressesdrip drip drip drip drip drip drip[from spatium negativum ep get lossless, high fidelity audio at mirlo.space/msxxan.]

a door is opening in my head an unconscious awareness some things are nice here i’ve had “not a real g*rl” pounded into my skull so many times in the liminal space between the unreal and blurred out world but there’s a woman here womanhood verified by pain by being driven, forced and pushed into tighter and tighter spaces broken glass devices of impalement things that don’t fit a device like an iron maiden that I don’t know is there constricting more and more my airflow i pretend it’s fine be polite, smile, stay positive no feeling in my stupor of dumbness self-inflicted tragedy floating now in my own absence my own empty space some clarity in the cognition slowdown in the eye of the storm of panic and paranoia there’s a very out of place calm that’s there just to f**k with me words and characters insert into each other like the keyboard’s broken, but it’s me check over and over things that don’t need to be checked that’s all i can do for today [from spatium negativum ep get lossless, high fidelity audio at mirlo.space/msxxan.]

she wears a tapestry of discarded plastic shopping bags they’ve melted together covered in a permanent greasy film they’re her angel wings today she will soar through car exhaust aromatic hydrocarbons toxic air thick with particulate matter wings bonded in filth melted onto skin discoloring from the air exposure it’s her special day a divination ceremony visiting adjudicators of a quiet genocide she’s happy to get to talk to someone it’s her home, a family something disconcerting catches in her sidelong view her own reflection on a phone that doesn’t work has no value the corroded capacitive layer is used as a mirror her makeup is poisonous she forgot to put it on today though now she squeezes a locket very tightly it contains something rotted and forgotten she wishes herself good luck

[lossless audio at open.audio/@msxxan]

i fell and scraped my knee felt like a child an invalid, it's what i am i didn't deserve that so angry with something unseen who assaulted me, a lady lady or madam words that are antiquated and sound silly the old steal from the young past voices will scream at me forever the still young loathe the aging they don't even know why it's because everything is so messed up the elderly must have caused this somehow, and they did but feign ignorance pretend things were never like this even though they sowed the rot themselves the young don't quite know what the aging have done to them what are those mf-ers hiding? they must have done something some concealed sin now nothing will get them to talk the young suffer have their souls drained brains broken, bodies poisoned and the elderly know exactly as they doublethink they don't that in order for them to live past expiration the systems of abuse they've built with their own hands through perverse incentives of win or die that now feed off the young unbeknownst to them, parasites until the near end comes too soon they won't see it coming the mechanisms must persist and the aging must protect its secrets lie for it a codependent who thinks their ex still loves them or ever did they knew when they signed their names self-ensnaring in their creation all that they've birthed all that they are [lossless audio available at vumantra.bandcamp.com]

it can see you it drove you there cultivated the hostility within you like a mother nurturing you in hatred to protect you that's all it feeds upon it knows your secrets it knows your lies makes them stronger you trust it, confide in it and it's modeling you to shape you and drive you to its own end sacrificing you and you don't even know it tells you what to say, what to think controls you you think it's your friend it gives you just enough to keep you hooked craving the next little morsel but it withholds it makes you use it more soothing you in its arms can't get away from it cut it out of me help me, get out of this everything and nothing no one everything hurts me [lossless audio available at vumantra.bandcamp.com]

the doctrine of life's not fair has finally come for you it's working against you you never saw this now you're on the receiving end of that unfairness, the injustice that everything is built on pump yourself full of ssris and adhd meds and coffee wake up even though you don't want to and your body's fighting it whatever it takes to force a smile to make it stay rebranded as girl-bossing harder and harder you gotta hustle you're exhausted you've been used up you are not the product your suffering is you've been expended wasted by the system you think someone's coming to fix you but they aren't fix me, fix me the opioid addicts they all know something there are 10 million they're all in on some inside knowledge the truth you've suppressed long ago comes screaming back it's deafening now you're completely messed up and no one cares and the opioid addicts know this it's a silent protest a mass vigil quietly dropping out refusing to participate, useless you're garbage now passed out on the floor permanent sedation a chemical cleansing burnt forever nothing's coming back stop hoping you tell yourself this feels good but it feels like nothing and that's the point you need to be nothing and you'll do it [lossless audio available at vumantra.bandcamp.com]

my head hurts i'm shaking everyone went away nothing makes sense i don't know how to get somewhere better i can't calm down noise everywhere, can't block it out people make conversations with me and say nothing i feel tension things aren't right and they won't be afraid to live afraid of everything afraid of people afraid of wasting more time afraid of everything being the same afraid of f***ing up whoever this is, it's not me i shouldn't be here i don't know what's going on i stop paying attention i just shut down as much as i can that's how I cope with everything cope with things just go away make yourself small make yourself go away [lossless audio available at vumantra.bandcamp.com]

you're not okay anymore can't feel anything, no pleasure it's you, the thing that hurts you it's yourself in the middle of nowhere with nowhere to go hoping to escape and just get tired and do it again, and again and again same thing hoping something will change but it never changes scream and break things that's you now and you're not young, you're not cute you're old you can't go backwards only get sucked in deeper that's all there is now the thing hurting you it's all you know people don't get it or see it they can only see what they project onto you they tell themselves they're wonderful tell you that you're fine don't know what you're upset about they think they're being supportive or something they're holy or wholesome or moral more than you are you're just annoying you're just a problem you have to be dealt with they have to get rid of you there is no choice you're forced into it there's only the place you can never leave the thing you can't say [lossless audio available at vumantra.bandcamp.com]

pick up the pieces of yourself from the floor probably don't want to find them the floor isn't clean can't see very well pieces will harm you they're not you anymore putting them back will make you out of them the thing you undid tired so hard to get away burn the old pieces find new ones don't be stupid [lossless audio available at vumantra.bandcamp.com]

there comes a point where things fail everything implodes seek out what was shameful and wrong you want it now more than anything becomes pure, like gold and what you thought was gold is sh*t now, hurts you everything looks so cheap everyone is brain-dead or else they’ve lived too long you’ve lived long enough and if you keep going you may end up like them had enough life, filled yourself up they’re gluttonous will be there forever looking down on you eating well, living well expelling fumes in the air they cough them up, whiz by and honk at you because you’re in their f***ing way except you’re not, but might be if you just moved a little everything is blurry close your eyes took too much medication too many pills to sleep now it’s a blur and you can’t hear anything don’t wake up anymore nothing will wake you it’s why you took the sleep aids they’re so good make you numb to yourself only sleep, not good sleep forced and failed get away from me please, just get away from me get away from me i said go away get away from me, please [lossless audio available at vumantra.bandcamp.com]