Tonight on Murder, She Wrote! Mr. Readford and I have something in common, and it's not the fact that we're both in the Boston society pages. We both came here tonight for a diary auction, and we didn't get one. What did we get? We got murder. Going once! Going twice ! Going three times! Sold! We got Harry McGraw shiners.  Going once! Going Twice. Going three times! Sold! We got drugged Jessica Fletcher, Boudoir magazine, and chess sets that survived the Spanish Inquisition. But we did not get our diary auction. 

We ask the important questions. Who brought the Vaseline covered headshot? Did she get second billing to the rabbit at the magic show? Was he a throb? Is her hair a messy donut hat? And also How? Are you supposed to fondle the armoire at an auction? Is this a D.A.R.E. situation? Today on Murder, She Recapped! 

Tonight on Murder, She Wrote! Jessica is visiting an old teacher friend in Oklahoma, and this area of Oklahoma has everything. It has hog farms that are practically drowning in crude oil. It has a TV studio where the Lord is present. It has a clinic with a life size Jesus statue in the waiting room. And it clearly has a wig shop that is not hurting for business. They are raking in the money at the wig shop. They are selling wigs hand over fist at the wig shop. Everyone shops at the wig shop. Wigs for everyone! Also, her friend is murdered 

We ask the important questions. How drunk is non-equity Kathy Bates? Have you ever horn honked at your Grandma? What sound did you make when you saw Sue Beth? How fast would you sniff medical waste? Brocc' N Roll hair on a secretary? Is she headed to the prom for secretary's in their forties? Today on Murder, She Recapped!

Tonight on Murder, She Wrote! Billy is angry.

We ask the important questions. Is this sweater on sweater crime? Is that a YMCA construction hat? Are they the Emmet Otter's jug band villains? Is Elmore's mother wearing her prom dress? Is that a YOU ARE HERE map of Disneyworld? Is this Mark and Laura's first fight?! Today on Murder, She Recapped!

Tonight on Murder, She Wrote! Margo has had it with these stupid small towns. She got into the tainted food business for glitz and glamour and intrigue. Not for local radio, busybody crisis hounds, and widow jelly. And certainly not to find the root of a problem and fix it. And that’s why this death by poisoned preserves is not gonna be her problem.

We ask the important questions. Do you really need a French chef to make a cinnamon omelette? Whose stupid nephew painted that sign? Purpose?! Whose Sports Illustrated diploma holder is that? Is Cornelia an imposter? Was her skirt covered in Diner dust? Today on Murder, She Recapped!

Tonight on Murder, She Wrote! This could be a story of [Insert Name], a radio DJ whose first wife had all the money and he could never get over it. Or it could be the story of [Insert Name], a small business owner who would do anything to get back to her shop. It should be the story of a widow named, [Insert Name] who just wants to crochet a blanket and catch Mr. Bentley's eye. But it's not. It's not a story of any of those people. Instead, it's the story of Mark and Becky, who get their kicks with sexy stranger cosplay. Will Jessica Fletcher get swept up in their tale, or will she see through it to the truth? 

We ask the important questions. Would you rather be called babe, or just die? Why is he running like a petulant toddler? Is that Bing Crosby from the Looney Tunes? Is he shushing a dead body? Is her business just Lila Lee makeup? Doesn’t he know that he just got Fletched? Today on Murder, She Recapped!

Tonight on Murder, She Wrote! Lila Lee is more than a makeup, it’s a lifestyle. And Lila Lee herself believes that wholeheartedly. And why shouldn’t she? Makeup can transform a woman! It can make a housewife look like a hooker. But can it transform a hooker to a housewife?

We ask the important questions. Was he coming from some loser wedding? Is the only way to know that you're in a hotel suite a framed headshot? Was she actually her English Fletcher? How can we find out how long her hair hat is? Would an adult prostitute only own one tube of lipstick? Was that eye shadow applied by someone's big toe? Today on Murder, She Recapped!

Tonight on Murder, She Wrote! Jessica Fletcher doesn't want Doc Hazlitt to know she's excited to go digging with him. So, she pretends she's doing research for a book, just like she pretends she wants to play chess every week, and she pretends that Seth is the only medical examiner in Maine. But demure Jessica Fletcher drops every hint there is. From gossiping about the sex lives of grad students, to not barfing at Seth's sweat stains. But Seth just doesn't get it. Is his head as thick as a southwest university students’?

We ask the important questions. Did your college bookstore sell daggers? Was this episode sponsored by big Bandana? Is her entire wardrobe from Chico’s? Why do they keep referencing that lasagna loving cat? Why did they have to do sweaty Seth so dirty? In a radio phone, is the most important piece the loose one that’s not connected? Today, on Murder, She Recapped!

Tonight on Murder, She Wrote! Beverly Gareth loves Spanish. She can’t read or write it, but she is really starting to understand it! Her absolute favorite telanovella is appointment television for her. And she loves it so much that she would risk her life to not miss it! And what Beverly Gareth wants, she gets. But, has her need to have it all finally gone too far? Is this the one demand that will ultimately take her out?

We ask the important questions. Is that man wearing a stick on mustache? How cool is a lunch of hot dog buns and cocktail sauce? Does most of his repair work come from merpeople?  Would you let him punch your library card? Cause of death was her own last name? Is anything better than Bart Nelson's after a day of limousine-ing? Today on Murder, She Recapped!

Tonight on Murder, She Wrote. Tick tock. The West Barrington Institute for Women is a powder keg. Sure, those inmates look like Calvin Klein models in their denim on denim uniform. But style can't make up for everything. For years, someone's been selling off their top quality vegetables and someone's been diluting their drugs. So when the prisoners get a chance to blow the lid off the prison, would anyone blame them if they took it? Tick tock, Mrs. Fletcher, the dynamite's already been lit.

We ask the important questions. Is this the school for naughty girls? Where can I get those jeans? How much Vidal Sassoon is each prisoner allowed? Is that Tracy Turnblad? How fresh are those prints? What percentage of group murder are they each guilty of? THIS IS IT?! Today on Murder, She Recapped!

Tonight on Murder, She Wrote! Don’t underestimate the power of a short king. These pint sized lotharios can do more than just ride horses. They can drive a woman to murder! Thankfully, 5’8” Jessica Fletcher knows this and does not look down on them. She would never overlook such a man, especially when his Panamanian heat could be a clue in the murder of the racehorse owner. No detail is too small. No inconsistency too tiny. She will get into the miniscule facts to prove that her niece did not commit murder. 

We ask the important questions. Was that woman Dog the Bounty Hunter? Does knife beat rock, paper, AND scissor? Are the people backlisted from the track going on go-see's? Does he have Fletcher's Disease? How many cast members from Saved By the Bell are we gonna get? What exactly is the sauce of the problem? Today on Murder, She Recapped!