So it's interesting how much difference a couple days can make. I feel like something shifted in a good way. And I don't know if it was doing some self dialogue the other night two nights ago I didn't do any yesterday I ended up going to the hot springs. And I also haven't had any Cinnamon Toast in three days. And I've been doing bulletproof coffee and I've been sleeping a bit better. And I've gone down to one quarter of a Seroquel. I was on a quarter before but it's hard to cut them into exact pieces so I was on bigger pieces. So they were more than a quarter was probably more like a third. So now I've been on a quarter for a day or two and still taking the Hardy nutritionals so I'm not sure what's making the most difference but I think all of it together is making a little bit of a difference. This morning I rescued some mice. They were just on the floor and they were just babies they didn't even run away. And I I'll include a bit of the footage. All the kids little whiskers are touching. And then after lunch, I just came outside because it was raining. And just started taking pictures with my macro lens of some of the flowers and some of the flowers with water droplets on them. Because usually here it's not raining so it was a different scenery. And to me, that feels like my brain shifted back into noticing beauty. And I was talking a lot about that. And then I sort of stopped the self dialogue process, and then seemed to get worse, I don't know, I haven't really watched those videos to see for sure. But it feels like stopping that self dialogue in the dialogue with nature wasn't necessarily a good idea. And then as soon as I started having self dialog again, and then I go outside, I just naturally start looking at the different flowers and how there's water on them and, and looking outward and looking at the beauty again. So that was an interesting experiment without trying to really do an experiment, I thought I was just going to stop the dialogue process, because just talking about stuff didn't really seem it seemed like not a good use of time, or, like I was saying the same thing over and over again, without knowing it. Whether or not that's true, I think it seems like just keeping my brain in that dialogue state is important, because as soon as I put myself back into it by just sort of doing some self dialogue, in a very uninspired way. But as soon as I did 20 minutes of self dialog, then all of a sudden, I was writing down new insights, that maybe not new, but they feel new. So I think the point is to stay in that process of having insights. And one might be thinking, Oh, well, that seems old. But it's still new at that moment. So keeping the brain in that state of newness is the important part. And I can see how that goes on in actual life. It's like, going into another dimension altogether. I feel, not 100% better, per se. But I feel like my brain is just in another dimension. It's not in that dimension, that I allowed it to recede into, which is all about ego me and coming off medications. And I wasn't even trying to make it about that. But it's more like, by not engaging this other part of the brain than the natural momentum of the brain is to go back to ego consciousness. It's like, this passive state, it's like this inactive state, this habitual state. And if one isn't actively aware and present, and putting one's energy into perceiving in the moment, and having insight in the moment, maybe writing them down, then it's difficult to stay in that state. And that might be one of the ways that a person who goes into map consciousness or transconsciousness, or an omni polar brain can stay in these other places, which is a place of perception, it's a place of higher awareness, and higher just in terms of being of a different quality, and dimension than the ego. And this makes sense with all the stuff I was talking about regarding how coming down from AB consciousness, we have to go through the ego process in those lower states of consciousness. And that sort of reconnects us to consensus. Well, there can be a mini version of that. When one is an experiencing highs and lows of emotions, one can still be experiencing different areas of the spectrum of consciousness, just by virtue of how one's perceptual apparatus is functioning. Is it functioning in association with relating everything to this illusory me ego? Or is it just seeing the beauty in the moment and recording it's almost like being a scientist or a researcher or philosopher of the moment? Not Oh, I go too much. Job nine to five, and then I do this work, but it's like work in daily life always working to perceive the actual end and recorded and sort of make it known in a way. Because there's definitely a richness there. Whereas when I was in the other state, there was no richness. So I'll keep capturing beauty, I'll probably forget again at some point. Because the thing is that when one isn't rooted firmly in the ego state, and I don't seem to be, and I don't even know if that's true, per se. See, I forgot what I was saying. But one seems to forget what one is even doing, because it's a non doing state that does something without a Dewar's. So it's kind of almost like starting again all the time. Because there's no entity there, there's no image to accumulate more images and, and sort of fill the brain up with memory. One needs to forget everything in order to see things afresh. And then they feel really rich. Instead of needing more and more and more, the richness of perception can pick out something rich each moment in any moment, and it's not an accumulation. So even if I think I'm trying to do something with the self dialogues, I really am not. And I feel like now I see for sure that this self dialog is important to keep my brain in that state, if I was in a place where I was having lots of dialogue, then maybe I wouldn't need to intentionally have dialogue with myself to put myself in that state of dialogue. Because as soon as my brain is in this state of dialogue with myself, it's then in dialogue with nature, and with daily life. And that's often how we feel when we're in so called mania is we can just talk to anybody, we can talk about anything in the moment, and doesn't matter what it is, we don't necessarily have an agenda. And that could be part of the trouble that at some point, in mania, we feel like we have an agenda, or we have a mission, or we have to do something or there's something special we're supposed to do. And that actually creates this sort of manic ego. But if the whole part about trying to do something, the motive, which is the ego can be dropped, then maybe it's something altogether different. Because that energy isn't trying to do anything in particular. And when we try to use that energy to do something in particular, that's the ego because it's picking out something from memory. So if we don't keep score, if we don't think I did this good thing, and now I'm going to do that good thing. And now I'm going to do that good thing. If it's just dropped in each moment, and it doesn't accumulate. It might not get out of hand. Because motive is from the past. And perception does not require motive. And it actually can only happen if there is no motive because a motive is a projection. And it's going to interfere with direct perception. It's saying like I know what to do with this moment. Which is the ego So it could be helpful for us, Mannix to see this mechanism that distorts what that energy is trying to do. It wants to see. And the moment will tell us what to do with that energy, which might not have anything to do with any prior moment. So instead of doing with the ego projects, we do what vision sees in the moment, and then not ascribe that to me. Because if we use that energy, which is pretty powerful, to create more of an image of ourselves to puff up a bigger me, then that might be part of what causes us to fall so hard. Cuz in normal ego consciousness, we kind of go up, we go down, we go up, we go down. And it's manageable in our emotional states. But if we go into manic consciousness, and use that energy to create a bigger me, even if we think we're doing that, to help the world, it's going to be a bigger and harder fall. So maybe helping the world is not trying to help it at all. We don't see what we're doing. And that's what's creating problems in the world. And by just trying to do more, do something different, it's still part of that pattern of trying to do something when that energy wants us to see what we're doing, and see something else. So for now, I probably can just have dialogue with myself. and not worry about the repetition. But just seeing that this process of making half an hour or an hour video a day, keeps my brain in that state. And it's like exercising that if I don't do a certain exercise, ever, and then one day I do it way beyond my capacity, it's going to hurt. Whereas if I do little bit day, by day, by day, it just keeps that going. It's almost like cardiovascular exercise for different areas of the brain. It's putting oxygen and blood supply in an area of the brain that is activated when one has dialogue. Which who knows where that is exactly, but I feel like it definitely keeps the circulation going in certain part of the brain. And, and having insights and writing them down, that creates circulation in a certain part of the brain. So what's really important is this insight, this intelligence that can have insight that has nothing to do with the ego. And all of our brains have that capacity. And I don't even know if that's what this is exactly. It seems to take on a life of its own when I go back into that. And maybe because I've done it enough, it's it's available, like learning to ride a bike and then not riding a bike for 10 or 20 years and then being able to just get on the bike and do it and that sort of like having that dialogue blueprint in the brain. So it's important to keep that conversation going from the other state. This state of insight the state of die I log this other form of learning and intelligence. And I can see that the trouble with getting labeled and drugged is it really turns off that capacity. And that capacity is what we gained through the states and sort of lose the very thing that we gained, which was our brain really being on and open to learning and seeing could really see clearly and then to have that blocked and taken away. It's almost like having our eyes taken out in a way. So there could be a way to reactivate that dialogue, intelligence state in the brain. Just by having dialogue with oneself and with other people. I feel like this is something the world wants us to do is have this conversation and have this dialogue about what this energy is trying to bring about. Right now, it's seen as personal mental illness, but I don't see it that way. I see it in the evolution of consciousness framework. And I experienced being in those lower states and the ego states and of me and and it wasn't energetic, it was heavy, it was awful. And that again shows me that that's the product of those states of consciousness. And these are explanations and these aren't beliefs, their meanings, their possibilities, their memes, their dialogical DNA. It's experiential Omni polar poetry. I think part of this other way of living that Krishna Murty talks about is this dialogical state of consciousness. It's a different way of speaking and seeing and perceiving and acting. And I think that's what that energy is trying to bring in when people go into map consciousness. It allows the brain to see these other possibilities and capabilities and capacities. Not the me to see it the brain. So I can see when that ego state isn't in operation. It's something else altogether.

Sometimes there's a torrent of water. Sometimes there's nothing. I'm still feeling pretty good. qualitatively different, for sure. And I didn't mention yesterday that it was my birthday, I totally forgot. And it was so nice to not spend a birthday in the psych ward. Remember last year I was taken out for dinner by family members and we went to a restaurant and then had some dessert, I had some kind of pie or something. And after I ate the pie, my gums went numb. And I felt like I was somebody who was self medicating with some kind of illegal drug. That numb feeling on the gums people can get I just had this sense. And I had the sense that I had overindulged, and I was afraid, and I didn't quite feel like myself. It was kind of scary. So I wasn't altogether better at that point. But I was still on that medication that made me feel worse. So I'm not surprised. rocks on the wall to hang from. It's really interesting, because I wanted to find a tree to hang from just to improve my grip strength a little bit and arm strength and stretch my joints a little bit and gravity. I'm heavy. And a couple hours ago, my first day after turning 35 I found a gray hair. It's right. There it is. suit. I see. But that's there's got to be more. But that's, that's the first one that I've officially found. So I'm officially aging, which I was already but now those things are going to be popping up like mad. A few years ago, I decided to stop dyeing my hair because it wasn't gray. So I may as well just not color it. And now, I will again start to color it at some point. So I've been having a few insights and writing it down. Unlike the however many days prior. We're not engaging in that process. It just sort of stops. But the good thing is it can just be started up again. And I'm not sure if that's what helped to shift me. But I really think that's part of it. I was thinking about how this process allows us again to come up with our own perceptions. Like we might in childhood, we might see something and give voice to something about how we perceive it. And it's not necessarily true, but it's part of learning and it's fun. So can we come up with our own perceptions and that energy of mania or maybe I'll start calling it magic. It's an energy that allows us to come up with new perceptions or have new perceptions and then give voice to them or not give voice to them. And possibly part of it is starting to learn what to give voice to and what not to. So we might have a perception but it might not be something that is good to give voice to And Either way, it's not necessarily good to attach any of them to the me, the perception is rich, because it's an absence of the me. So instead of having this ego sense through which we sense it, interpret everything that is decreased. And we're in touch with all of our senses. At the same time, which isn't just five senses, it's every cell in our body has a sense. So we can be in communication with that to some extent. And the thing is, when that sense communicates with us, whether it's a cell or all ourselves are certain sense, this information, when we sense it, there's some kind of organization that happens that gives voice to something, so we can give voice to it. Or we can use it to identify and create more of a me ego structure. If I feel like I thought of that, or I came up with that, there's this ego sense that strengthened, but when it's just words, like it's just giving voice to something that was seen or perceived or felt, it's giving voice to all those other senses, as opposed to just the opinions and the judgments and everything that one has absorbed and remembered throughout life. So instead of speaking as a memory, we're speaking as perceptions and senses in the moment. And at first, that's very intense. But over time, we can learn to understand that more. So every time this flux and flow and, and changing energy of consciousness happens, we can learn, and it could be some kind of accelerated learning, because it's like being immersed in it, and there's no escape. Whereas if it was just this gradual, little thing, then the ego was comfortable with the gradual learning, because it can only gradually absorb so much information and, and collected around the center of the me. And that's this slow process of sound retrieval. Now, when we're in touch with the light of perception, that light of all the senses, combining together will then produce sound maybe, or produce action, it will produce something that is adequate for the moment, because it is the impression of the moment not sound being projected out to meet the information, which is light information, but all the senses, but it blocks all those senses by meeting it with the ego partiality, meeting life with our partialities. So in a way, the mental health system is the perception of police. It is some kind of intervention that comes in and stops this learning process of learning in the moment as the moment and being in touch with all of our senses, and, and pushes us back to the limited perception of the ego. I feel like part of the trouble is that during this transition period, where one is in partial ego and partial holistic sensing is that the holistic senses get translated into the ego. Because that's the language we speak, inside and outside. So then it's kind of muddled up. And that could be another benefit of self dialog is just speaking as these perceptions and not really muddling in the ego. So then, if the energy intensifies, then we have a bit more sense of, of what's happening, or we can understand those translations. When I had that terrifying energy, wake me up as I was falling asleep about a month ago, when I jumped out of bed. I had this faint sense of oh my gosh, I have to kill myself or oh my gosh, I'm gonna hurt myself. Even though I wasn't actually in that behavior pattern, I wasn't going to do that. But it was just this very faint, like a memory of that pattern related to that terror, but not strong enough to actually make me do anything just kind of noticed that it did make me take a Seroquel to make sure it stopped. And perhaps I could have waited it out and seeing if it just stopped on its own. But I didn't do that yet. But that might be the next step. And because when I had the full blown crisis in January, and I said, Well, the next step is to try to get it before it turns full blown. And I think I might have done that this time. So the next step, it's almost like a step backwards, because it's actually allowing to see if it's going to go full blown, which maybe I already know the answer, because I've already had it happen that way, a few times. But the difference would be maybe just going through it, and allowing it and then not taking the pill to see what happens. Which could be kind of scary. And I feel there's something with this whole fear thing. Like the fear that fear that terror of death is the ego being afraid. But it's not the ego being afraid it is the ego. So it's that coming back in or that trying to leave, I don't really know. Or if I can be with that fear and just watch the ego shrivel away. Kind of like that last scene in Fight Club when when the guy shoots himself in the face to kill his alter ego. And he's staring right at the alter ego. While he does that. And then the alter ego dies, it's sort of like using the light of attention and perception. To watch it just sort of implode upon itself and not take the body with it. Because it kind of is this energy that tries to take the body with it when it dies. So I am reducing my medications. Today, I will take another 75 milligram reduction of lithium. And so I'll be on 450 and I'll reduce the Seroquel. Well, I'll keep going with a quarter Seroquel and then reduce the trazadone tomorrow night by another eighth swell beyond three quarters of a pill of trazadone. And last three days, I'm feeling so much better, just less drugged. I think those drugs, they just create this state that goes along with one's posture and one's facial expressions and everything or lack thereof. And it's kind of scary. It definitely is this chemical prison, it's like this. It's like the ego tries to die to some respect and maybe just sort of atrophy and have these other senses come in. And it feels intense. Because it's new. It's something that we haven't really sensed since we were children. So already feel more freed up. And maybe it's partly because consciousness knows that these drugs are going to be on their way out of my system, hopefully. And the thing is, if it leads to some kind of crisis, I might just go through it without the meds. Because I've been on the meds and these crisis events still happen. So if I come off the meds and they haven't like, whatever, who cares? It's the same thing. I guess the only thing is that I could go into possibly being more up and down and set instead of being sort of stable. But how stable is it really if I keep having these distressing events? So yeah, I don't know if I said but the mental health system is the perception police. If we had different people who were in dialogue with us when We go into these meaning making states and hyper learning states and new perceptions and giving voice to something that is beyond us. And learning how to do that. Not getting back to the voice of the ego, which is the suffering and the struggling in the pain. This other voice is other perception is trying to break that. And that's partly why I've been in dialogue with myself to create this context. And I didn't really realize it. But this dialogue process is part of what that energy in the brain wants to create, it wants us to be in dialogue with everyone all the time, wondering, questioning, not thinking, knowing, judging opinions, which are all from the past, they're all from other people, and then we read something and then we're like, well, that's a good opinion, I'm going to hold on to that. We don't form anything of our own. And part of this perception process is forming something original and of our own, which isn't of our own, because it's actually a perception from the totality that we all share. So it's not even our own. It's the voice of guy, the voice of humanity, the voice of nature. And when that first starts, we first tried to learn that language, we sound like the equivalent of children who know English, but are speaking kind of gibberish. But eventually, through reading life and daily life, it starts to come together. Because we've been using language wrongly. And then when that breaks up, and we're starting to attempt to use language in a different way, not even really knowing what the right way is. Because if we knew what the right way is, we would do it. So it has to break up the old to bring in the new but in the meantime, we're at risk of being diagnosed with some kind of mental illness. And I think that's partly the reason why I feel like it's important to have dialogue with each other, and help each other to speak this other language, not just about, Oh, these are my symptoms, and this and that, but the meanings and perceptions that we have to help each other. Learn this voice reversal process, giving voice to what we see and sense and feel and perceive in the moment. And not the past interpretation of a small fragment of what it can see that is made salient from its conditioning. Why does the human brain collect sound. And I feel like if there isn't sound all crowded up in there, and the light comes in, and information, and, and the energy, and it's clear, and It impresses upon all of our senses. There's a computation that gives voice to something else. And it seems like it really does collect sound, because when we're in magic, when we're in my consciousness, transconsciousness and Omni polarity, we are spitting out bits, like they're coming out of our brain like popcorn. And so we're seeing some of that old stuff. And that's getting mixed in with the new stuff of perception. So we're not mentally ill or learning a new language, we're learning how to use language instead of be used by it. And I wrote down an insight. And I, again, don't know if it's true, just came into my mind. It's not that we get rid of the ego, because really who's going to get rid of it, the ego can't get rid of the ego. It's that the light of perception moves faster than the speed of sound of the ego. So the ego is going at the speed of sound like blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But if that light of actual perception of the present moment, hits our being, it's going to break down some of those sound structures because that perception is going to inject another voice. So if I'm going, blah, blah, blah, circles in my head with sound, and all of a sudden for some reason, I see something beautiful. And I look and even something like oh that's so beautiful comes to my head. That is a voice of the present moment. And that just inserted some sound from light of perception and information and created that and if I was walking With a friend, I might say, Look, that's so beautiful. So now I just pointed out something the perception picked up. And if our thought structures are very strong, then it's likely we won't even notice the beauty. And it's all around in every moment. And that is part of what brings out that structure of sound going on about the me that isn't even there. So we put all of our energy into that. And it's a waste, because it's nothing the birds like to fly through here. So when that light gets through those little spaces between the sounds of our thoughts and we see something that creates space for a voice of something else. And that can happen in an instant. And I think that's part of what happens in map consciousness is there's more of that space. And I feel like that energy that comes in, creates that space in the brain. Because the sounds and the thoughts are wasting the energy of the brain, and diverting into the prefrontal cortex and dopamine. But this energy that comes in has nothing to do with us. It's not personal. And it helps us to see life non personally, which is beauty, which is there, it's has nothing to do with me. But when all we can hear is the me, we can't be with that beauty, which is everywhere. And part of the main problem of the world I feel is that we're okay with sacrificing beauty. For the me. cut down the trees, we'll do all these things. And we can't even see the beauty of not even just the one tree or whatever, but the whole process of it. And in destroying that beauty, I actually feel and there's no way to prove this. That that is part of what creates more thoughts because thoughts aren't personal either, we just sort of pick up on them like, like antenna, people are thinking thoughts, and everyone has their own private mixture of thoughts. And I feel like the more nature's destroyed. If a trees cut down, it sends out more bad thoughts to human beings, because we're actually not separate. They've done studies where people walk in a room and chop up a plant in front of other plants. And then the same person comes back later. And the plants have some kind of electro or physiological reaction of some kind that they can measure. So when they're scared like that, we're scared. So if the plants are scared, if they can pick up on our fear, we can pick up on there. And there's a lot more plants out there than there are human beings. So we're wondering why all this chaos is happening like this. And it's because we're not separate from this, literally. And life is all the same language. we as human beings might speak English or Spanish or Japanese or whatever. But underneath that, those words that we've described meaning is the language life of gaiac consciousness of Gaia of the cosmos, that allowed language to evolve. So in the energy of Gaia, is all these languages that we created or whatever happened. But that came out of the total language. So we speak this partial language to human beings. But there's a total language from what you came and if, if we can't look at nature and under Stan that which we might be able to put a tiny fraction of that into English, and then maybe be able to communicate a little bit of that understanding. But even being able to communicate a little bit of the understanding isn't the language of Gaia, we could never get to the bottom of it. And we're translating it all into our language. So we have the language, English. But if we see a tree and translate that into paper, now we have translated that tree into human being, or human using human functioning. So we're transforming this whole complexity, this whole language, this whole gesture, this holistic life, entity into human being, or translating it into that, so it will retaliate with its own language, which is no earthquakes or whatever it can use to destroy human beings. And I don't think that it wants to destroy us, we're all the same, but it's just talking back, it's just saying hello. So we can see beyond the tricks of sound, the tricks of sound that produced this light image, engaging us. But as, as sunlight of the actual gets through that, as it gets through and creates this holistic perception, we give voice to something or we understand something, it breaks up all this light, cage misunderstanding of light and sound holograph phonic interference. And I've also seen that seeing and perceiving, give energy. understanding and learning and being with the moment, give energy. And I feel to just speaking as this other voice just using one's voice, not for personal interest in personal functioning, personal gain, the language of human using. It's a different language, it's the language of perceiving and wondering. And if we could speak this language, we wouldn't feel the need for all this mindless entertainment to shut up the ego because we'd always be learning from what is in the moment. And the voice we hear in our head is self talk, as they call it. When self dialog is self discovery, discovering things. Understanding learning, that repetitious thing is not that it's not understanding, it's not learning. He gets in the way. And I think this way of speaking, actually wakes up the brain and wakes up the brain by talking to it. Not having repeating tapes in it, brain is pretty much asleep. Just like we fall asleep at night watching TV while we fall asleep during the day, watching our inner TV, because it's on repeat, and we've seen it a million times. I think it wakes up the brain to perceive because it's meant for perception and not repetitious. yester sound deception. What a difference a few days can make my brain feels so much more fluid. I just made a pumpkin coconut banana smoothie with chia seeds and cinnamon.

And then the magic forest water still running up here and see if I can find a pool to dip into think there's a call at the end. This is it. Oh yeah. This is why I feel so good. That's 30 degrees here and I practically ran the rest of the way. So this feels good. Soon, these schools will dry up here, so I have to take the opportunity. While I have the chance, while nature allows me to enjoy her beauty match magic. So I don't know if you can hear me because of the waterfall. I think listening to the waterfall is actually more important. But I walked all the way up here, it probably took about 45 minutes uphill, and around the end of it I was running. So I definitely have more energy. And I talked to the Hardy nutritionals people yesterday, and they said, wait until I feel kind of blah like that again before I reduce my meds. So I thought they said once a week, but they said keep going at the same dose until I again feel kind of overmedicated. And now I really know what that feels like because I was totally and then I just reduced by an eighth and I felt better so I guess that took the pressure off. So good. Yesterday I went to the hot springs again and sat in the hot springs and then went in the river and then sat in the hot springs and when the river that hot and cold therapy is as wonderful especially when it can be between a hot spring and natural hot spring and and a river much better than just changing the temperature in the shower. So I feel so lucky to be and one of the most beautiful places on earth. So it is possible it is possible for people with labels with diagnoses with these people, these professionals giving limitations and saying how life is going to be or how life might be. Or even now saying oh it could be pretty good. Well it can be really awesome. And right now my life is going between really awesome and really awesome place but not feeling super awesome in my body. But I at least feel hopeful that one day the two will match up that my body will feel good and the place I'm at will feel good as well. Maybe my body can feel even better than the place I'm at and pass that on and share that energy like it was when I was first in map consciousness might be time to dunk my head It's just me in the bugs. I was watching a video by Steve pavlina. He's doing a 30 day video series. Yesterday was 10 months of this video series. But I'm thinking of changing the anniversary date from June 20 have that as sort of like a kind of anniversary date. But when I looked, I really started making videos consistently when it was September 11. So I think that's more of like the consistent video day anniversary. And June 20th is sort of when I was doing a couple days here and there and doing numerous videos a day, but only on like four or five occasions within that first three months. So I'm gonna think of it as two different anniversary dates really. So June 20, will be a bit of a milestone and then September 11. So if you have a label, you too can be sitting in a river pool in paradise. And even if I'm here, and one day, I'm not thriving like this, that's okay, too. But at least to attempt to thrive is important to me. And I was thinking about how I needed safety and then self care and then attempting to thrive. So creating those safety plans and those safety gestures and safety devices and safety items that are a cue to me that I'm safe and that I'll be able to keep myself safe no matter what happens, say for myself, say from a psych ward say from psychiatry, even though I still use medications. I do so at my own discretion, not at somebody pumping them into me without my consent. And even against my consent, which I'm not okay with I'd rather risk the other things then. And work harder at keeping myself safe and allowing others to pretend to keep me safe. But really a lot of it is like torture. And they mean well and that makes it scary because they mean well and it's not okay. So I'm thinking of putting appear life coaching part on my blog, just to see what happens, see if people reach out and want to have a conversation just to do something. I've often thought that we as peers need some life coaches and people to help us get in touch with our potential not just get by, and not just drug ourselves and know when to drug ourselves and know when to drug ourselves more. No one we can take less drugs and I know like it's just so limiting and lame. And I think by focusing on Some of these other aspects, then it'll make life meaningful to the point where it's easier to manage those parts that do still need to be managed for now, until we can kind of shake off the chains. Maybe not all of us can shake off the chains, but the more of us that can, the more it shows it's possible, the more other people will attempt to thrive and shake off those shackles, this chemical prison. The water fleas are kind of cute. They're like bouncing around and chasing each other. So if anything, I want to help people bring out their potential. And I don't know if I do. The video by Steve pavlina was talking about when thinking about your purpose, think about the social aspect of it, who do you want to be in contact with. And I really love being friends with my peers. But I don't know if I actually want to work with them. In terms of charging money. I don't know if you saw the water fleas getting it on. Cancer I've ever seen that before. So the thing is kind of to test it out if I like working with people and just asking for gifts and kinds or something like that. And I also want to start the pure potential project, I think, as a social enterprise, to bring out potential so working with people and working together with people, and I really don't know what I'm doing, but I feel like something's got to get started. While I don't really feel like something's got to get started, but I'm feeling slightly inspired. Maybe it's that extra energy. Maybe it's coming off just a tiny bit of medications. I don't know. And I did make some notes and I'll talk about them when I'm not by this waterfall. As beautiful as it is. So yeah, maybe I could start talking more positive to actual people I've just been talking to myself but you could say anything's possible. Share your visions, we can live our dreams. Maybe don't share them with your clinician and your psychiatrist but share them with your peers and people who have the ears to listen. Oh and there are some dragon flies. I don't know if you can see but one has its but on the other ones head. Talk about head butting. So these videos are for myself and if anyone sees them to maybe be slightly inspired to make meaning and context for oneself again and and restore one's care for oneself. paradise. Map consciousness is dialogue and dialogue is unfolding meaning and we unfold meaning in that state, our brains are connecting with dialogue and wanting to share meaning with each other instead of be divided from each other based on ideals and beliefs. These altered brain states are part of the solution to the problem and it's made into a problem. The problem is lack of meaning and the brain goes into a meaning making state due to the lack of meaning or having one's meaning shattered. So I'm out of the pool now and ready to run back. Apparently, I have to watch out for rattlesnakes. pretty rare, but possible. There's a lot of Bidi bugs in here to see those things bite. Since I have some energy, I'm going to try to get outside more and just get in the habit of going for a quick walk or hike. Because I want that to translate when I do finally go back home. I want to be habituated to the outdoors and then not just stay inside, make an effort to go out and find somewhere beautiful to walk or hike. And also not be afraid because nature can be scary. But the more I spend time in it, the more I will not be afraid. can feel the bugs biting me everywhere. They're not very nice. The birth sounds so magical. Get off me. Well, I guess I should go. Let's run down the hill together.

So I haven't talked to myself in a few days. And the last time I did, I was on a trail and in some nice pools and saying, live your dreams and all that fancy stuff. And the next day, I think it was, I slept 13 hours that night. And then when I woke up at like, 1115 I had something to eat. And then I was so tired, I went back to bed. And I slept for like three hours. And then I stayed in bed all day, I just didn't even feel like getting up. And since I felt so bad, I took 1/8 less of all my meds. And then the next day I woke up and I again slept like 12 hours, and then went back to bed and had a nap for like three hours. And then I just didn't get out of bed. And both days, I only ate breakfast. So I'm feeling less bloated. But I'm feeling still a little bit tired, but not really it's a weird feeling. And I feel really clear yet not really energetic and social or happy. I feel kind of like blah. So it seems like this will be a bit of a roller coaster ride. I've been on the Hardy nutritionals for a month now. And I'm guessing it's a bit of a rocky road. If I think about a few weeks ago, when I was feeling super drugged. I'm not feeling worse than that I'm just feeling different. And then yesterday before I fell asleep, when I was in bed around six o'clock, I noticed that I was starting to have sciatica, like pain. And it woke me up a couple times through the night and it made it hard to fall asleep because I couldn't get comfortable, there was no way that I could lay that would make this pain go away. And it's still with me today. And laying down doesn't help sitting isn't help standing might help a little bit. So I went for a walk even though I'm feeling a bit tired. And I'm just sitting here and sitting and it's not very comfortable to sit and the bugs here I got like so many bug bites I was so itchy my hands, my arms, my face. I think I just got another one there. And they put me on my face there and here and so he and in terms of self dialog, I again got disconnected with the process. And I don't think that's good. I was gonna do some yesterday when I was feeling crappy just to show how crappy I was feeling and see if it would have some kind of transformative effect, but I just didn't even get to it. Yeah, I would start talking about stuff now but I just am in a lot of pain. I found a nice big tree to sit in. This feels more comfortable actually. still hurts a bit but something about this tree. I don't even know where to begin with self dialog. Maybe sitting in a tree heals all maybe I'll just read something I wrote who knows why and just get it going. Perception fishes for new memes Meaning. Perception is meaning sees something understands a process. And the meme unfolds and can be spoken languages and folded in our brains, like a flower. Perception is a flower. Just like how our memes of memories are folded in our emotions. talks about that before. When we emote, this unfolds the old story. This was an efficient way to store stories and instructions on what to do if we have a certain emotion, because we perceive something, a certain story, something that we make salient with that emotion, which is slightly different between people, then it also tells us what to do. So in the past, maybe this was handy. If we felt fear, and we saw a certain pattern, we'd have a certain response. And this was efficient to know what to do quickly. And I feel like right now we're homo, a modus, free emotions, and we could be hormone receptors. So that's an important one, because it's seeing a pattern of how something is in nature and then the perception of that holistically unfolds the language of speaking that. So we can give voice to it. And we we sort of hear it as a subtle impression on the inside. And I wrote down matter is not solid, it responds to consciousness. How do we approach matter? So, Dr. David Bohm said something about how nature will respond to us, depending on how we approach it, so matter will respond to us depending on how we approach it as well. And we approach it as if it's solid. And can we approach it as consciousness as opposed to ego thing? selves? And I feel like the level of consciousness is part of what determines how matter will respond to us. And can we paint and mold the universe with consciousness? I think that's actually one of the benefits of self dialogue is that it raises one's level of consciousness, one's vibration. Because one is speaking from a different voice, in a way. So it seems like map consciousness is learning how to paint the universe with consciousness. and paint the universe with us and through us. But usually, it goes too far makes a mess. And we ended up just bladder painting. I feel like there's a certain level of trying to figure things out. In life in science, when it could be more a matter of figuring in learning how to create learning how to figure into it. What we need is sound screen, which is the light of awareness. The light of awareness is faster than sound. So again, in a way, stop the sound. And I was thinking about how instead of using I am, we could use today am now Here am I just skip the eye and stop speaking in terms of this center, that's not there. So setting A tree definitely helps the pain is not as much. Who woulda thunk

I woke up a bit early, I set my alarm an hour early without really realizing it. I'm having my hearty nutritionals I've been on it for over a month now. And I'm feeling less drugged. But I'm not quite feeling any level of happiness which is okay for now could be just not being around the people I care about as well. To I'm seeing that's really important. So that definitely wasn't something that's included in the glide Park experiment. Having people around me that I care about my care about the people around me that I meet here, but it's not the same as knowing people for a lifetime or six years. I'm still itchy from bug bites. And I don't know if I talked about this sciatica pain I was having yesterday was so bad. I had to walk the whole day I couldn't sit down. Even at night, I was just pacing around walking because I couldn't really sit down and feel comfortable. I remember when I first went raw vegan about seven years ago, I just cold turkey Ravi and dead and My legs hurt for several days, my quads were burning. So it could be something to do with releasing toxins. Maybe some of the drugs are coming out of my nervous system. I had those two days of just laying down. It could have been from laying down. So now I'm on 450 milligrams lithium, three quarters of a three quarters of a 50 milligram, trazadone and 25 milligrams of Seroquel. So I do have to remember that this is my main goal right now is to see if I can come off these drugs. And this is a good environment for that. Though, again, it feels like I'm wasting some of the environment because I'm just not up to my usual self, my usual medicated stable self. So I hope that this doesn't destabilize me. And I was watching one of Steve Pavillion his videos on receiving criticism, and I got sort of it wasn't really a critical email. But it was kind of strange. And I don't know if I want to talk about it, because I don't want to talk about other people too much. But it's sort of threw me off. Like what the f. Maybe if I talk about insights, my brain will feel a little bit better. It was interesting that I was watching the Steve pavlina videos, and then I got that email. And then I watched a video of his on accepting criticism or something like that. And he had another one about creating value. And I got my first donation on my website, even though it was a friend of a friend. So it's kind of cheating. But it was still very nice. And I was thinking of donating to that person who emailed me just to be like, Thank you and goodbye. But I'm thinking to myself, why should I even do that? But anyways, maybe I'll talk about it later. And I wrote down thought is a gesture that becomes a trait at least historically. Now, it's a trait that we all have that we don't really question because initially it was just this movement of sound that gave some kind of pointer. But now what it's pointing to is all confused and it's pointing to the me which is an illusion. And I feel like intelligence and love our emergent properties of humanity, which is what we are behind the me. We're all the same We all have that same love. Right now we all have the same thinking going on. And it's from a pool of thinking, and it's not really personal yet we take it personally. So the trouble is more so taking it personally and making a meal out of it, then thought itself, the movement of intelligence and love will use that when necessary. And to me, words are how symbols of the mind come out of the brain and become relational. And we're relating based on these symbols and words. When love isn't a word, it would create different gestures and movements and traits, which could only happen if there was no movement happening and thought, just a little fly on me. Wonder if he sees me. Wonder what I look like to him? I think that moment was a moment of love and intelligence. Just really being with nature. And Dr. Daniel Siegel back to him. talks about brain electrochemical energy flow, energy flow with symbolic value. So we have this flow going on this electrochemical flow and it's producing symbols of symbolic value. Now what if we were to perceive in the light coming in, actually changes the electrochemical flow and changes the value of those symbols makes them less valuable because we can actually perceive in the moment. And he said electrochemical flow has information of symbols. And to me this sounds a little bit like what I was talking about with how the molecules of emotion, those chemicals actually carry with them the holographic information about what it is that caused us to react to that pattern. So in a way, it contains the interference pattern of everything that could trigger that emotion, and that emotion wants to be triggered. So it's going to actually have many degrees of variability to what can be triggered by that. And the light of insight actually changes that whole electrochemical process. Because if we saw things now, if we perceived now we wouldn't emote so much. And those emotions and making those peptides and neuropeptides. And enzymes are wasting our energy, protecting the grand holographic image that we have of ourselves. So I was like, we have this big holographic image and all the emotions are in different places on it. representing different parts of the patterns of what we can be triggered by I feel map consciousness is emerging to the level of love to be an action of love by the universe. An agent of the movement of love. I've had the sensation a few times. When I wake up in the psych ward, it's like when I opened my eyes, everything materializes around me it doesn't feel like it was there. It feels like it comes out of nothingness. That's happened in the psych ward a couple times. And when I'm in that state, I know who's coming in the door. It's really strange. Maybe that's related to how some people say the universe is in me. And in that way, it could be that matter is an emergent property of the mind of consciousness. It's almost like a death of the me into consciousness into nothingness. Thought as me dies into consciousness. Dr. Daniel Siegel said emergent properties are mathematically ascertained aspects of reality. If this love and this intelligence is an emergent property of reality, how does one measure that? I don't think one can. I feel like one can be the measure of that, by their state in daily life, like communing with nature, or with the flies. And he said, the movement of clouds cannot be explained by a single hydrogen and oxygen atom, the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. And I think this movement of love and intelligence, it's nothing to do with one single person has to do with everything moving together. So I wonder if there's something that grows connection to this love and intelligence. I narrowed down that matters, how the mind animates itself, or how consciousness animates itself. And it's something that helps us navigate consciousness. But it's not the only thing. It seems like it's not good enough anymore because the world is at risk. So this other movement comes in and moves matter in ways that seem implausible and not according to the laws of physics, but only some people see it. But in a way, the laws of physics are structured, to kind of keep us comfortable. We can understand how things work somewhat predictably and not live in fear. When they start working in different ways, we start to get kind of scared, like in dreams. But that can happen, in actuality for some people. So I don't really think they're that fixed. And that's something that might happen in math consciousness is one can't rely on the laws of physics. It's perhaps that one relies on the laws of love. So then things don't necessarily take time things don't necessarily move at this slow linear speed that we're used to. If somebody was living in the laws of love, maybe they would meet somebody that is the perfect person to collaborate with them on something. And it seems like thought feeds on itself and has some kind of momentum. I feel like love feeds. doesn't feed on but I'm not sure. And I think it was Dr. Daniel Siegel. That said relation relationships are the sharing of energy and information flow. So we'll see how today goes

I'm sitting here feeling like I got my ass kicked by the universe of the sciatica pain down the backs of my legs. And it's hard to get comfortable. Today sitting is kind of okay yesterday, I couldn't even sit. I spent the whole day in motion walking. And now I kind of have cramps in my calves. So I'm hoping this strange pain will be gone soon. I made a video this morning, and I really can't even remember if I talked about it. My memory sucks. And my motivation isn't good, partly because I'm in such pain. And I have bug bites on my ankles. And so they're swollen. And it's yellow over. So this is kind of a lesson in when you picture this beautiful scenario that you're going to. There's always something and not saying is regrettable, right? Anything, but it's just still. It has its own challenges. And I just want to lay down and rest. But I can't. I don't know if it's because I rested too long. And now I have this pain when I lay down, it intensifies. And I'm definitely feeling less happy unless social. And last week, I actually had a surge of feeling happiness and socialists. And I don't know if it's because I'm again in that overmedicated spot. But I did do a 75 milligram reduction of lithium and an eight reduction of trazadone on Saturday. So that would be Saturday night, Sunday night. So only two nights ago. So I don't think really Now is the time to do another one. But hopefully I will speak to them on Thursday. And find out if this leg pain thing is anything they've heard about. I almost feel like the drugs are leaving my nerves. And I think I said that already. But I don't even remember. So I'm wondering if doing a little bit more self dialogue is something to at least keep my brain engaged. I wrote down How does one stay elevated. And to use the word elevated and levitated instead of leap. leaping is not a good word to use in the whole so called mania and psychosis context. And I was wondering if a device could be created to mitigate people's voices. There's something called polyphonic sound. And it's really interesting, if you look it up and find sound Globes, and listen with stereo headphones, it actually sounds like a person is behind you in a certain place, by law in your head. So it's not just stereo, it's actually polyphonic. And it uses how the brain works to process sound. So in that way, one could almost use that to create positive voices or almost neutralize the voice that one has, if somebody like I hear a voice coming from here, and it says this, maybe there could be something created, or one has something that sort of neutralizes that or mitigates it or has some kind of balancing effect. I don't know if it's possible, but I just thought it was interesting. Because I saw this invention for these noise cancelling earplugs that you put them in your ears, and then it gets rid of all the sound coming in because it can actually like cancel it out. Well, apparently our ears actually emit sound just a little bit. So maybe there could be something that we're hearing that it's the sound emitting and the volumes turned up and somehow that could be medicated. I don't know how it all works, but it's just something I thought of. So good voices. And I also wonder if this sound that we have MIT from our ears, this has something to do with intuition. Or if it's the subtle sound that we can hear in insight, I really don't know. Just wondering. And I wonder if some of these messages will mitigate and balance some of the not so good messages out there about people's brains. Maybe it'll amplify these memes and amplify this consciousness. I was wondering if a different term for mental illness could be mental newness, because a lot of times it's something new. So it's scary. And even if it is something old, it's presented in a new way, or it doesn't seem like it's under our control. And in a way, all mental is mental illusions, their programs and abstractions? Can we illuminate this instead of illusions? Can we illuminate with that impersonal light of consciousness? And I found something written by J. Krishnamurti, that sounds a little bit like epigesturetics. He says, then the question arises, whether you can live in daily life without any control. Without any comparison, which does not mean you do what you like, but actually to live without a single direction, which is without control. This demands a skill in action, which is an art to be learned. And, in the very learning of it, is its own discipline. You don't impose a discipline upon it. The very observation of how to live without control itself, brings its own order. Do it and you will see how extraordinarily simple it is. That's from the 2016 Krishna Murty, bulletin number 90, page nine. And I think that's part of what map consciousness is initiating is for us to learn how to live without control, which is thought coming in to direct the energy of our life. And that's just pure life energy. And we have to be very quick and perceptive to act correctly. And usually, we mess it up. And then we end up hospitalized, but there could be a way to learn this art of action of so yeah, I'm not sure what I was saying I was distracted by a very loud when nice. That was probably an aircraft. Can we learn to act in accordance with the universe with the cosmos, which takes learning and practice in daily life, which is sort of like harvest practice and body. And some of us already gestured our way to the top. But then we fell out of it. So in a way, maybe we don't have the strength in some of the higher gestures really embedded into our neurology to be able to stay there. But we have the blueprint in a way, so we can be more aware of what is correct and what's not correct. I think part of it is that we see a lot of things in daily life that aren't correct, and not not good. And then we sort of take it on ourselves. And then we react. And we don't know what to do with all that's going on in the world. And part of that would be maybe almost having like an epigesturetics support group to start to learn these gestures, and relearn the gestures that the universe wanted us to gesture. And be in alignment with that and get feedback from the universe. So we're actually getting real feedback from the universe when we're in alignment with that. I think I started going downhill a little bit when I was writing and writing and writing and not able to keep up. And then I just sort of gave up on the process. Maybe I can't give up on this process because in a way, it's my job. It's a job without direction. It's a job without motive. It's a job. Without reward and punishment, it's just talking to myself and seeing what happens. And Krishnamurti also says, be a light to yourself, don't accept other people's inner authority or spiritual authority, find out for yourself. And it seems to me that perception is under the influence of thought. thought could be more intoxicating and sedating than any kind of alcohol or drug. It directs what to make salient. And I think a lot of times, in so called mania, we say what's real, and people don't really want to go there. Because they don't know how to go there either. We none of us really know what to do. And I really don't know what to do anymore. I've want to build a rest bed, I want to do this and that, and I don't even know and I can't even remember. So how am I going to do stuff when I can't remember jack squat? And I was thinking about how our homes make us individuals. If we didn't own stuff, how would we organize ourselves as human beings? I feel like sometimes homeless people might attempt to live this way. Not owning stuff. But it's to the detriment of the safety of their physical bodies. So how do we get there embodied? And how do we get there, sheltered with food and clothing? for everybody. And I think I talked about how it seems that things I say, are met with skepticism. I feel like I was speaking from a level of beauty and perception. I don't know for sure. But it was definitely met with strong comments or reactions. One person saying that's not true. And I just was just saying something like, very casually, and I was like, Whoa, and, and other things like that. And in a way, it feels like this flower, kind of shriveled up, sort of it was like, there's a flower with perfume. And Krishna Murthy uses that analogy. And then people just start coming, ripping the petals off of it. And, and so it's just not the same. I just feel a little bit de energized. But it could also be conserving energy and waiting for another situation to release it. It's almost like that other dimension tries to speak through someone. And then when it's met with a certain approach of somewhat anger and things, it's kind of shuffles back, and and then one is left with sort of this ego that's kind of blank, like the, and I feel like that's what happens in map consciousness where like, he Yay, like, everything's beautiful look at the universe and be like, No, it's not. No, it's not No, it's not. And at first, it's okay, but then after a certain period of time, it's de energizing. And I really don't know if that's true, but it's just interesting to me that that voice isn't always there. And I can see how someone might have that voice beaten down and, and also, when that happens, and that voice is trying to come in. And the ego is also kind of getting a bit messed up in the process. Because it has to in order for that other voice to come in, when can be left kind of this shell that could easily be interpreted as mentally ill or kind of dull or because when you don't have that ego voice so strong and and that other voice isn't listened to. Then what is there And people can't listen I don't think with the operating system of thought. And I wrote down a question Why is the me What's happening? So I will keep myself posted on this pain, these bytes and all that kind of stuff that's kind of beautiful.

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