So I've been having some interesting insights lately. I don't know if they're insights, but I feel like I'm in a slightly superimposed state where I can see many possible futures for myself. And that's happened before. But I feel slowed down in the, if I see a certain possibility, and it's kind of scary, I don't necessarily get scared. And in that way, it seems my brain keeps calculating different possibilities. And then it also goes back into past experiences and past superpositions. And, and ways that it feels like I've quantum jump to different realities. And how the process of so called psychosis is trying to resolve some of those. And I've been in the position of nearly taking my life a couple of times, but not wanting to, and managing to keep my body safe. From that possible future, in which I don't exist. He had a talking about that, I feel like if I go back to certain events in my past, that that's where the split was, there were several futures where I didn't exist. And I sort of had to transport my way out of there, somehow, and go to a different reality where I existed. And I wandered there for a while. And I went to the USA, and then when I came back, I realized I was in a reality where I didn't necessarily exist, even though it seemed like I did to me. I'm on that trajectory, wear itself out and I was close to ending my life. I was diagnosed with a mental illness, to sort of explain away all the weirdness. And I'm wondering to myself, if I almost need the mental illness right now. Because if weird stuff happens, I'll just be told, oh, that was your mental illness and medicated. And it could be the same thing it could be that I understand it's a bit of a different process. But that's not the understanding of society. So I can still go about the process of accepting the treatment. That sort of allows me to read material materialize or reconnect with my body. Because it's almost like consciousness becomes disembodied. And when that happens, it can appear to die and other people's realities. In my reality, it becomes another episode mental illness. Which is sort of like dying several times throughout life. Instead of really being concentrated in one's ego self. When one gets to places beyond the ego self. One might leave the body or could even be that could even be true that for each of us, that When some kind of trajectory of our life ended, we get some sort of medical problem to explain it away. It's really complex. And this is the first time that I feel I've been able to really look at this without immediately acting, and then rushing towards a scary trajectory that puts me into a state of psychosis, where it's too confusing. And then people come and sort of rescue my body medicate me to slow my brain down. So then consciousness doesn't sort of go flying off into another dimension where I might continue to exist, I don't know. But I don't necessarily exist with the people that I care about now. In saying that, I can use the medications to sort of modulate consciousness myself, instead of getting help from the medical system, I have a slight sense that this could get me in trouble, in that, I might feel like I'm handling things like I do. I feel not great, but I feel strong. And I feel like that trajectory of doing it that way, might lead to the story of, Oh, she seemed fine. We never suspected anything. And then I'm found not living. In that reality, at least. And that's the thing, it's more a matter of, I kind of want to stay here with the people that I care about, I don't want to go off into some other dimension. I'm not saying that's necessarily true, but or It feels like, since I no longer necessarily buy into the mental illness trajectory to keep me here in my body. Something else might happen, where maybe there's some kind of accident, my memories erased. And after we learn who the people I love are supposed to go to California, and I feel like stuff has come up from my past that might almost feel like I'm running away from that. To go to California, when I was planning to go already. So I'm wondering if the level of consciousness will be okay to go to California by the time that comes or, or if it'll be like escaping. I also feel like I could get harmed or killed on the way to California or something to bring me back to my family again. And I feel like I'm coming back. It's not like I'm going away forever. I'm just going away for a couple of months. I'll be back. Part of me feels like in order for me to stay with them in the same reality. They have to continue to see me as mentally ill. So things will keep happening to make it seem like a mentally ill. And that could be one of the reasons why usually when I have a so called relapse of psychosis, I'm actually quite engaged in doing a lot of different things involved in a lot of different things. It's like consciousness has expanded to a certain point and it's the roof and then when it hits the roof, it just flies back down to the lowest level again. And I feel like this time the level of consciousness I experienced, perhaps hit the roof in terms of reality, as opposed to just inner stuff. What I've unfolded as my life apparently getting a good position and peer support work. It's sort of the height of sort of recovery, plus career and everything and in the mental illness paradigm. And having created that, in reality, I decided, Okay, it's time to take that apart, because I don't resonate with this paradigm. And maybe I need to resonate with it a little bit in terms of needing some of the services a little bit still. But I just don't want to immerse myself in that paradigm where people are seen that way. Yet I struggle a bit because it's, it's, it causes a lot more suffering by the same time. I don't know, it's, it's confusing. I don't, I don't understand. And this is where sometimes I get stuck is what to do, because I don't know what's right and what's good. So even to say that psychiatry is fully bad is doesn't feel congruent, because in a way, me being labeled with a mental illness has saved me in a way because I feel like otherwise, I could have been dead by now. Because the mental illness thing is the only way people understand how people can exist in a quantum state. It's really strange, I don't know, I'm not sure. I guess part of it is if a person goes into a quantum state, and it's confusing, because it is. And they get afraid, and then they go along that line of fear. They're going to be running away from their self, and then be caught and medicated. So part of it is not being afraid of that state and understanding that it's a death. But life continues. And people that go into those states have to die in a way so others can continue to live. So a person who gets medicated by psychiatry, or they're sort of shut up from all the stuff they can see and might say otherwise. But this allows them to reintegrate back into society and nothing has to change. So it's one thing for scientists for physicists to talk about quantum jumping in quantum states. But it's another thing for a person who has actually jumped through multiple realities and could actually come back and tell the stories of it. And be like, Oh, you're actually dead in a different reality and blah, blah, blah. People will just be like, What are you talking about? I need to get some better cough candies. I also feel there's an alternate reality where I wake up from a coma. Maybe I shouldn't talk about this stuff, because I might mess up the future. Possible collapse with those wave functions? I don't know. Who cares? It seems like I'm doomed and not doomed. Either way. Maybe the less afraid I am of being doomed. The less doomed I am. Seems like the most difficult thing is to stay embodied. No might have said that before. Might need to take up something physical and stop all this mentalization not all of it but might be good to talk to people more But also feels like it's time to move towards the past that I was running away from the past that I escaped from, and why did I escape? I feel confused. But now I feel like when something enters my mind, it makes sense. But it sort of contradicts with something else that enters my mind next. So it's confusing. I feel like life operates based on synchronicity. That sort of quantum, and it's, it's life subprocessor in the process of life. Most of us operate in the realm of thought. There's something going on with the ability for us to communicate with each other. Seems this quantum process wants to communicate. But do others want to see quantum Lee it's almost like the rest of the reality is sort of a machine. In a way, people that are diagnosed with a mental illness are the people who are scapegoats. Because if they share their experience, then it was sort of make reality as we know it fall apart. I was certain to watch a video on YouTube called the mechanics of consciousness or consciousness mechanics. And it was interesting because it actually was talking about the Planck length, and how it's sort of like frames per second, which is something I said the other day. Usually, when I say something, I find the evidence for it later, versus just looking at something and hearing it and believing it in terms of what others are saying. But they were showing this plank, sphere thing. And they were showing how the Planck length is there's a space, that's the smallest space. And I was actually thinking that the space between two photons or whatever they are, is actually the space between the mind and the brain. And I have no idea if that's true. But then I was sort of thinking about how in the space is consciousness, so there's a level of consciousness. And then there's a space, which is the gap, the action potential that the mind has on the brain. And I was thinking about it in terms of how Dr. Daniel Siegel says the mind uses the brain to create itself. So depending on one's level of consciousness, the mind unfolds that reality in the brain. So it's not just mind and brain, it's the level of consciousness. And with bipolar, one can go up and down the levels of consciousness quite rapidly. And then that unfolds different realities for that consciousness as opposed to being stable in one level of consciousness, which is perceived as one's ego self. And then, some of that got me thinking about how there's movies about in the future, everyone will be very drone like, and if there are any people that are actually alive, they have to conform and pretend because if they step out a line will be obvious that they're not one of the drones and then they'll turn them into the drone or something. And I almost feel like that now I almost feel like even though I was critical of some of the things Tom Wooten was saying about acting in order in order to appease reality. In a way, I can see the logic of that now because I'm feeling low, though, I know if I go around talking about this lowness people will perceive me as not doing well, and then that'll be projected onto me, and then it'll just funnel me closer to being drugged again. So in order to not Get more drugged, not get more punished for being in different states of consciousness and not appearing as this continuous ego version of me. I have to pretend, in a way it feels like pretending. And maybe there's a way to not feel like it's pretending. I haven't figured that out. Because again, I don't want to remain in this victim mentality. Have you experienced a lot of suffering? Whether it's past karma, collective past collective consciousness, I know that I can take it. And I have because I was talking about before how lately it's been more this physical sensation that I've been having the last month. There's been some thought stuff. But it's not like this extreme physical se anxiety, that turns into this extreme fear thought. And then that leads me to feel like I have to take some kind of action towards that fear. It's more, say constant, so called anxiety, kind of low. But no thought forms associated with it, really. And so now I feel like some of the thought forms are coming out because it's gotten to a place in consciousness where I feel shame. So some of that is coming up. But it's coming up more in terms of, well, how do I want to move forward with this? And I could feel like Oh, the first thing that comes to mind, I'll just go with that. But I'm just waiting for it to really unfold for me. Because if I can't turn it into some kind of good, that is possible that consciousness will decide well, there's no point in going on. And I do want to stay here with my family and my friend feels like it's one thing to share all this stuff about brain growth and and it's another thing to share what makes the brain shrink in fear to the point where some brains do and their own life. And I've experienced that in in so called psychosis, but I've also experienced that in actual life. And I don't want other people that have to experience that. I really don't know. I have no idea. Remember when things first happened, I really didn't know. So I decided to run away and then I was diagnosed with a mental illness. And in a way it's bought me time. Time to build a good life where I feel connected and supported because I didn't feel that then I didn't feel like I had the strength. So maybe I saw that I do I don't know. I don't know

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