I once had a bishop who told me that if I read a chapter of the Book of Mormon everyday I would never leave the Church. I agreed with it at the time, which isn't the case now. But I can't necessarily argue against it, because I sure as hell didn't read the Book of Mormon every day, so I'm simply a validation of the sentiment. I'm sure TBMs reading agree and also feel validated. However, I did not say that I proved him right. I'm sure there is someone, if not many, out there who did read the Book of Mormon every day and still left the Church. After all, in my opinion it is one of the smokiest guns for the Church. I actually plan to read it again soon. It will be the first time I will read it from a non believer's perspective. I imagine I will feel many of the same feelings I did when I read as a believer. After all, its stories teach universal concepts of good and peace. It also promotes racist and bigoted concepts similar to the Bible. But, the fact of the matter is it changed my life and this chapter will detail my previous love for the book and how it passionately developed.

Joseph Smith called the Book of Mormon the "keystone" of Mormonism, "the most correct of any book on earth", and that "a man would get nearer to God by abiding by its precepts, than by any other book".1 Those are all phrases that I heard regularly in Church settings. I used them often myself, especially on my mission. What's more, I fully believed them. Even so, I did not personally read the Book of Mormon regularly, despite my best efforts to do so. In high school, I even carried a small pocket edition in my back pocket in effort to read when I had down time. That didn't work. Although I did get a lot of attention because of it. Most my friends thought it was pretty cool, but I'm sure some did some pretty serious eye rolls too. My personal scripture study habits would be better described as sporadic. I would go a few weeks or even months of daily reading and then go at least twice as long without reading.

Family scripture study was a different story. My family read from the Book of Mormon together nearly every day. The only reason it wouldn't happened was if there was an irregularity that popped up in our schedule. I mostly assumed the responsibility of ensuring it happened, at least through the week. We would read first thing in the morning before anyone left for the day besides myy Dad. He would leave for work at an ungodly hour and would skip out. Other than him, I was the first one to leave every morning so I was the one that woke everyone else up to read. We'd usually be half awake and have trouble concentrating. As such, it wasn't so much family scripture study as it was take turns reading a few verses each to say that we did it. There was the rare occasion in which one of us would ask a question or my Mom would expand on a verse. But we were almost always able to leave the house with the satisfaction of doing what we were supposed to.

At a young age, a Church leader told me when reading the scriptures, if I caught myself thinking about something other than what I was reading, that was personal revelation from Heavenly Father. In hindsight, I now realize that this is terrible advice, especially for a 13 year old with a very short attention span while reading mundane, religious text. But the sentiment and teaching was common among all Mormons and only reinforced by the common mantra of "If you want to talk to God, pray. If you want God to talk to you, read the scriptures." I can only imagine the crazy things I thought of and interpreted as revelation from God. It was extremely hard to concentrate on what I was reading. On my mission this experience was much different. In fact, scripture study almost became a form of meditation for me and I loved learning of the stories in both the Bible and Book of Mormon. It was always done early in the morning with soft, relaxing music playing in the background. I was able to think of solutions to my daily problems and worries while reading my scriptures in this situation, not too different from when I meditate now.

In August 2005, then Church President Gordon B. Hinckley issued a challenge to all of Church membership to read the Book of Mormon by the end of that calendar year. He promised those that completed the challenge would have "an added measure of the Spirit of the Lord, a strengthened resolution to walk in obedience to His commandments, and a stronger testimony of the living reality of the Son of God."2 I'm positive most Mormons will remember this challenge as it was taken very seriously by many. Unofficial reading charts were released to help track your reading. President Hinckley originally said that a pace of one and half chapters a day would allow someone to finish the entire book by the deadline. As time progressed, the pace obviously increased and I remember getting more overwhelmed having decided I wanted to to complete this challenge. Most of my friends at school were doing it and my seminary teacher was hammering it as well. But I honestly believe my decision to do so was at least semi-organic within me. I had a desire to truly know the Book of Mormon was true.

Some may be questioning my choice of words "truly know the Book of Mormon was true". The word "true" likely seems vague and unreasonable. But that's the wording chosen by the Church. To demonstrate, here's a promise that is made in the introduction of the Book of Mormon:

We invite all men everywhere to read the Book of Mormon, to ponder in their hearts the message it contains, and then to ask God, the Eternal Father, in the name of Christ if the book is true. Those who pursue this course and ask in faith will gain a testimony of its truth and divinity by the power of the Holy Ghost.

Those who gain this divine witness from the Holy Spirit will also come to know by the same power that Jesus Christ is the Savior of the world, that Joseph Smith is His revelator and prophet in these last days, and that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is the Lord’s kingdom once again established on the earth, preparatory to the Second Coming of the Messiah.1

As a missionary, I shared these paragraphs with those I was teaching — referred to as investigators — frequently. As you can see, it uses a domino effect style of thinking and everything starts with the knowledge of the Book of Mormon. Essentially, they claim that if the Book of Mormon is "true" — i.e. inspired scripture written by prophets as directed by God — then Joseph Smith must have been a prophet, and if he was a prophet then his claims to the one and only true Church of Christ must be true. Notice the complete absence of nuance in that mindset. We would teach people that if they felt good while reading the Book of Mormon, that was Heavenly Father telling them it was true. Nevermind the fact that it could just be due to the various inspiring stories and hero plots in the book. This thinking presents an enormous conundrum as billions of people have felt similar feelings reading other religious texts that have nothing to do with Mormonism. This is not official doctrine of the Church, but I've heard faithful Mormons express belief that the likes of Mohammed were inspired prophets in their time but their present day followers are misled. This is just one example of the justifications attempting to explain how other writings can lead one to feel the same way as Mormon scripture.

In the last chapter of the Book of Mormon, a prophet named Moroni explains how to reach the knowledge that Mormons seek about the Book of Mormon:

Behold, I would exhort you that when ye shall read these things, if it be wisdom in God that ye should read them, that ye would remember how merciful the Lord hath been unto the children of men, from the creation of Adam even down until the time that ye shall receive these things, and ponder it in your hearts.

And when ye shall receive these things, I would exhort you that ye would ask God, the Eternal Father, in the name of Christ, if these things are not true; and if ye shall ask with a sincere heart, with real intent, having faith in Christ, he will manifest the truth of it unto you, by the power of the Holy Ghost.

And by the power of the Holy Ghost ye may know the truth of all things.3

Notice that several criteria are set forth in order to get an answer about the Book of Mormon. Read the book, ponder it, pray and ask if "these things are not true" — not if they are true, but if they are not true — with "real intent" and "faith in Christ" then God will tell you. It may not be incredibly obvious from the text, but there is plenty of room for confirmation bias and circular reasoning in this promise, especially the way the Church interprets it. I was taught as a missionary that someone had to want to know the Book of Mormon is true in order to receive an answer. Apparently, that is what Moroni meant when he supposedly said "real intent". If a person prayed already believing the Book of Mormon was false, then they wouldn't get their answer. But if they were open to the idea of it being true — or even better, already believed it was true — then they could get their answer. Some people I taught would pray many times over hoping for an answer but would never get one. After shaming them by asking if they had faith and real intent, we would then ask how they felt while reading the Book of Mormon. If they felt good, we would inform them that was their answer. The entire process is fairly manipulative and makes me cringe to think that I was not just a part of it, but an advocate of it.

I did not complete President Hinckley's challenge on time, and I distinctly remember feeling guilty that I did not. I had many friends in my ward and school that did and they seemed happy with themselves for doing so. I did however finish the book in early 2006. I decided I was going to put Moroni's promise to the test. I, like my investigators on my mission, prayed many times to receive a testimony of the Book of Mormon but never felt that I got a particularly strong answer. At the time, I remembered the experiences I related in chapter 7 in gaining a testimony about the Church. I applied the same domino thinking found in the introduction of the Book of Mormon but in a slightly different order. If I knew the Church was true, I knew that Joseph Smith was a prophet. If I knew that Joseph Smith was a prophet, I knew the Book of Mormon was true. I remember feeling peace when coming to this realization and thinking God was answering my prayers. I now believe it was relief from the stress of potentially not knowing the Book of Mormon was true. Again, there was a complete lack of any nuance or niceties. In my mind, if one was true, they were all true.

The frequency, quality, and enjoyment of my scripture study piqued during my mission. I'm sure that most returned missionaries will say similar things. It is a mission rule to study your scriptures for an hour personally, and then another hour with your companion — the other missionary with whom you were paired — every day. Topics of study typically were supposed to be geared towards the investigators and the lessons being taught that day. As I stated above, I loved scripture study on my mission. I would deep dive into many topics I found interesting. I would cross reference verses between the Bible and Book of Mormon along with other books of scripture. Towards the end of my mission, I even started writing my own commentary, verse by verse on the Book of Mormon. I started it when I had a matter of weeks left and didn't get very far. I was convinced I would finish when I got home but it never happened.

About a year into my mission, my Mission President — an adult, retired man assigned to oversee the operations of the mission and the well being of the missionaries — gave each missionary a brand new copy of the Book of Mormon. He challenged us all to take the copy and read it cover to cover highlighting any references made to Jesus Christ. Everyone in the mission participated and it was a special experience for most. For me personally, it changed the way I viewed my religion and intensified my beliefs. I loved the parables and metaphors found in the scriptures, and while looking for references to Jesus in the book, I got profoundly metaphorical. For example, the Bible refers to Jesus as the "light of the world", so I would highlight any reference to light.4 But I also started marking words like love, grace, bread, life, and any other word that I felt referenced Jesus' influence or his life. As I did this, I quickly came to realize how deeply beautiful Jesus' teachings were. It was a fiercely spiritual experience for me. I felt that I had come to truly develop a relationship with my Savior. Even presently as a secular person, I still recognize the power that was in that experience and refuse to abandon that particular copy of the Book of Mormon. It's a sacred memento of an important part of my spiritual journey.

The copy of the Book of Mormon mentioned above.

After that, I was hungry for more and started trying to find references to Jesus that were not as apparent. When I came home from my mission, 1 Nephi chapter 11 was my favorite chapter in all of the Book of Mormon. In it, the prophet Nephi has a vision in which he sees the life of Jesus. Nephi describes Jesus' birth, baptism, and the calling of his disciples. My favorite verse in the chapter was verse 11 in which Nephi says he spoke with the Holy Ghost "as a man speaketh with another".5 Mormon doctrine puts a great amount of emphasis on listening to the Holy Ghost and being sensitive to its promptings. I could share dozens stories that I heard about people receiving a prompting from the Holy Ghost to do something they weren't planning on doing and it benefitting them or someone else. Sometimes the stories were even as dramatic as saving someone's life. The point is, Mormons strive to be sensitive to such promptings and it is a struggle for many, so the idea of talking with the Spirit as though talking face to face with another person intrigued me tremendously and I wanted to know how Nephi achieved it.

After Nephi made that claim, he was visited by an angel. It does not mention the identity of this angel which was important to me for some reason. In the Bible, the angel Gabriel appears to Mary and informs her that she will give birth to Jesus.6 Mormons teach this was the angel of the biblical prophet Noah.7 This teaching is unique to Mormonism and it must have made me feel entitled to know who this particular angel was that appeared to Nephi. So I scrutinized that entire chapter and I prayed about it. I can't remember exactly how I reached a conclusion, but I know it was largely based in assumption and emotions. I thought the angel was Jesus Christ himself and Nephi simply didn't realize it. This idea portrayed a strong message to my 20 year old, missionary self: if I became as sensitive to Spirit and could talk with it seemingly face to face as Nephi did, I would eventually be able to see Christ. I quickly made it my life's mission to make sure that happened.

1 Nephi chapter 11 from my Book of Mormon. Notice verse 11 in highlighted.

In traditional Mormonism, there seems to be an understanding that only the present prophet and other high up authorities can see and speak with Christ, even though no president of the Church has explicitly claimed to see Christ for quite some time. However, there is a new sect or movement within Mormonism that was, the way I understand it, founded upon this idea that everyday people can see Jesus too. It is called the Remnant Movement and was started by a man named Denver Snuffer who claims to have seen Jesus. I was already on my way out of the Church when the Remnant started gaining momentum, but had I known about their beliefs sooner, they undoubtedly would have resonated with me.

Many are likely thinking that I fell a long way religiously to go from believing I could converse with Jesus to not believing in his divinity whatsoever. Perhaps there are some fellow atheists reading and wondering if I'm embarrassed to admit such grandiose beliefs. I have found that many who have left Mormonism have come from similar places with similar beliefs and ideas. It honestly is not uncommon. As far as being embarrassed, I likely would have been about a year ago. But as of right now, I believe these experiences play such an important part of the person I am today and where I am in life, why should I be embarrassed of them? I believed with all of my heart that I was going to see Jesus one day and now I don't believe in deity. I was so touched by the content of a book that I now find racist, bigoted, and deceiving. But had I not had these experiences, I would not feel as strongly about my convictions as I do now. It is all part of the intricacy that is my lived experience, and, to me, it is beautiful.

The Book of Mormon, Introduction ↩

A Testimony Vibrant and True, Gordon B. Hinckley  ↩

Moroni 10:3-5 ↩

John 8:12 ↩

1 Nephi 11:11 ↩

Luke 1:26-38 ↩

Bible Dictionary, Gabriel ↩

In chapter 7 I addressed the schedule for church every Sunday. On top of those three hours, Mormons typically have activities throughout the week, especially for the teenagers. Every week, typically on Tuesday or Wednesday nights, all the youth will go to the church for what is called Mutual. I'm not exactly sure why they call it that, and I actually think they may have discontinued that name, but that's what I grew up calling it and that's is how I'll refer to it in this chapter.

I really enjoyed going to Mutual and typically looked forward to it. Mormons start going to Mutual at the age of 12 and continue until age 18. They participate in various activities in their respective classes. Up until recently, the Mormon Church always put a big emphasis on scouting. I am an Eagle Scout and a large chunk of my merit badges were earned at Mutual. I remember we once went to a city council meeting for the Citizenship in the Community badge. I earned my Cycling merit badge going on 10 - 25 mile bike rides with the rest of the boys for Mutual. While I currently do not support the Boy Scouts of America, I do have very fond memories of working on these achievements with other boys my age at Mutual.

Once a month, there was a "combined activity" which consisted of all the classes of boys and girls participating in an activity together. For me, and many others, these were always highly anticipated. I remember one particularly memorable one. Someone had made a typical scavenger hunt all around the city. We went to all sorts of places such as the park and Wal-mart in search for clues. Little did we know, at every stop there was a stranger planted that was supposedly in need, or at least acting like it. The real test was not to see who finished the hunt the fastest, but to see who took time to help those strangers. My group, with some help, had figured out the secret and we were intentionally looking for people in need, but other groups remained completely oblivious to the fact. Apparently one group found the clue they needed in Wal-mart and began to run back out to the car when a woman had "spilled" a bag of apples in their path. They were so determined to win that rather than help the woman, they all jumped right over the apples and hurried to their next destination. We still laugh about that to this day.

Service projects were also very common for Mutual. Every Sunday, the Mutual activity for that week would be announced in class. Whenever it was a service project, the leader would try their best to avoid the using the words "service project" because if he did, over half the boys wouldn't show up. These projects typically meant work like weeding a garden or helping someone move. Mutual was often viewed as a place to have fun with your friends and not work, so to actually exert yourself was quite the deterrent. That said, there were some very meaningful opportunities for service that impacted me as a kid. Once the entire ward, not just the youth, got together and helped fix up the yard of a man who was paralyzed from the waist down. We mowed the lawn, weeded the garden and flower beds, fixed the sprinkler system, washed the windows, and a variety of other things. The yard looked completely different by the end of it. I remember being touched by the amount of people that showed up and how we were able to help this family. Another meaningful experience was going to the Utah State Developmental Center, a facility that houses mentally and physically disabled adults in Utah county. One Sunday a year our ward was assigned to take the residents to church and also take them to a dance at their facility the following Wednesday. The dance consisted of us pushing them in their wheelchairs while they danced to the music. It was always so fun to see them having a good time, smiling, laughing, and dancing. Later in my life, I was employed at the Utah State Developmental Center and the individuals I cared for always looked forward to the dance every week.

Some of my favorite Mutual activites were "mission prep" activities in which our adult leaders would attempt to prepare us for our future, two year missions. Growing up, I always looked forward to going on a mission and would proudly declare that I was planning on serving. As such, I always loved hearing stories and experiences my leaders had while on their missions. I remember one particular night, each of our adult leaders — there were about 4 — prepared a dish from the country or region where they served their missions. The majority of them served in Latin America and most of the dishes consisted of beans, rice, and tortillas. While we were eating, they shared stories that made us both laugh and cry. Stories of struggle, heartbreak, and joy. Us boys listened intently in absolute amazement. Having now served my own mission, I can relate with all of the stories shared that night. Up until I actually left the Church, my mission was the hardest thing I ever did. When it comes time in the series, I'll share a lot of my own mission stories.

Mutual is an important part of a Mormon upbringing. I made a point to go every week, that is, until I could drive. Driving opened up a world of so many possibilities. Why would I be at Mutual when I could drive myself to go hang out with my friends. I also think that as I got older, Mutual became less cool and I was more prone to a desire to be elsewhere. This would come and go in phases of course. When I was in a leadership position, as discussed in chapter 8, I felt much more a responsibility to go. And, in all honesty, I think the most frequently I ditched Mutual was once, maybe twice a month. If I did miss twice, it was likely because I had work.

When I was in those leadership positions, I was by default a member of what is called the Bishop's Youth Committee. It consisted of the boys' quorum presidents, the girls' class presidents, their adult leaders, and the bishop all in a room talking about young members of the ward that we thought were troubled. Many topics were addressed in this meeting, but one that was often of most concern was low Mutual attendance. We would constantly bounce ideas off of each other about how we could motivate others to go more frequently. I won't go into too much more detail on that topic, I only bring it up to illustrate the rhetoric around Mutual attendance.

I remember one particular time I decided to ditch Mutual. I had a big test coming up and some of my friends were going to study for it at the same time that I had Mutual. I used the test as a good excuse when asking my parents permission to skip Mutual and take the car. I also really wanted to pick up the latest Matt Costa album, so I decided to swing by Best Buy and pick it up on my way to the study session. I was cruising in the car with my music up really loud. I was passionately singing along as I always did. I was coming to an intersection and the light turned yellow. I stepped on the gas a little more to make the light and a car turned in front of me. The cars collided and, this being my first car accident, it was the most force I had ever felt in my entire life. I can still remember the dull, blunt crashing sound and then immediately thinking "I should have gone to Mutual". I took it as divine intervention. The person in the passenger seat of the other car was knocked unconscious and had to be rushed to the hospital. It's my understanding that everything turned out fine, but I remember feeling very guilty that night and I don't know that I ever missed Mutual again after that.

The concept of shaming for skipping an activity or event that God supposedly wanted you to attend rears its head in a lot of places across Mormon culture. But no place did I feel it so strong as I did in Seminary.

Mormon kids begin attending Seminary at age 14. Depending on what area of the country they live in, they may have to attend early morning Seminary every day before school starts. I've heard stories of dedicated Mormon kids getting up as early as 4 am to make the trip to Seminary and then get to school on time. In that situation, the teacher of the class is typically a member of the ward who has been assigned to fulfill the role. In areas of the country with high populations of Mormons such as Utah, Idaho, and some parts of Arizona, there is a building owned and operated by the Church right next to the high school. Students can work a free period into their school schedule every semester and walk to that building to attend Seminary. In my high school, while I don't have any official statistics, I feel comfortable saying that close to, if not higher than, 95% of the school attended Seminary, or at least they were supposed to. In this particular arrangement, the teachers are paid employees of the Church. If you would have asked me in high school what I wanted to do with my life, I'd have said I wanted to be a Seminary teacher. I even told my wife that when we started dating. Thank God that never happened.

I loved Seminary. I loved talking about the Gospel and it was amazing to me that I had the chance to do it at school. A term that I commonly used to describe it was "spiritual high". I'd often come out of Seminary feeling the Spirit and I'd be so happy the rest of the day. I'm not sure how much the curriculum has changed since I attended, but each year was dedicated towards studying one of the major books in Mormon scripture: the Old and New Testaments, the Book of Mormon, and the Doctrine and Covenants — revelations and scripture written mostly by Joseph Smith in the early days of the Church. Each year there were 25 scriptures chosen from each of those books which we were supposed to memorize. These were referred to as "scripture mastery" verses. I only memorized the ones from my freshman year, which were all from the New Testament. My other years, my teachers simply didn't put as much emphasis on scripture mastery. I can still spit off Matthew 5: 14 - 16, Matthew 16:15 - 19, John 3:5, and 1 Corinthians 10:13 word for word without breaking a sweat — ok maybe a little bit of sweat. I can even expand on the Mormon interpretation of each of those verses. Between what I learned in Seminary and the heavy study I did on my mission, I still feel comfortable going into a Bible bash with just about anybody. Ultimately, that's what the Church wanted to accomplish, teach me, and other teenagers, the scriptures and gospel so well that we could effectively teach it to others.

Discussing topics in the Bible was always interesting to do as 14 year olds. There were many questions like "What does that mean?" or "Why is it 'shew' instead of 'show'". It seems like most Mormons have a story about the person who asked what circumcision was in Seminary and the awkward answer from the overly cautious teacher that then followed. I wish I had the guts to ask much more pointed and challenging questions such as "Why was God such a jerk?" or "If we need to be married to get to heaven, why wasn't Jesus married?". But I was very faithful and didn't want to upset the teacher. Not to mention, I am not sure I had the intellect at the time to think of things in that way. There were kids in my classes that did. Some teachers would get really frustrated when addressing those kinds of things. Others were understanding and tried their best to help the student see it from a faithful perspective. The students asking those questions were normally seen as less valiant and spiritual by their peers. As I've said before, in hindsight, these people were years ahead of the majority of their peers intellectually and I am amazed at their courage to challenge the status quo at such a young age.

My Seminary teacher sophomore year told us on the first day of class that the day we missed Seminary was the day that Satan wanted us to miss the most, meaning it was the lesson we needed most in our lives. I remember thinking that was insightful and powerful at the time and even feeling sad for my friends that decided to miss Seminary for what I felt were foolish reasons. One friend in that same class once skipped to get breakfast with friends. I'm fairly positive I told her that was the lesson Satan wanted her to miss the most. If I didn't say it, I definitely thought it. It's often embarrassing to look back at the things I did and said as a Mormon, but especially when I think of these moments when I was so abrasive and forward. But I wasn't the only one. I remember once I was drinking a Mountain Dew and a friend asking me if it had caffeine in it. When I answered yes, she immediately said "I forgive you". I'm going to save the caffeine aspect of Mormon life for another chapter, but that story aptly demonstrates the pervasiveness of policing and imposing standards on others. I am not exaggerating when I say it happened everyday.

At the end of the four years of Seminary, there is a graduation ceremony where all that met the requirements are given a diploma. The Church's official requirements for graduation say that you need to have a good attendance record, read your scriptures regularly, complete a learning assessment, and be endorsed by your bishop for graduation. In my Seminary program, nearly all the teachers would give you an A if you simply attended a participated in class. Because of this, I rarely read my scriptures regularly. The one B I got in a Seminary class was because one teacher actually did care. I think I appealed that grade and got it changed. I now think it's hilarious that I even cared. Those grades, unless you completely failed, don't even matter to the Church. Most just care if you graduated from Seminary.

The learning assessment is given at the end of senior year. I remember tearing mine up because I thought it was stupid. Mormons believe in different levels of heaven, and it asked me on what level I would place people based on certain sins they committed in their lives. Even as a TBM I felt very uncomfortable judging somebody's entire life. Admittedly, the action of physically tearing the exam was more to be funny than to express outrage. But even without the action, I still wouldn't have finished the test. My teacher just laughed and didn't make me do it again.

As I said, I enjoyed both Mutual and Seminary. Mutual was a good way to spend time with friends and I usually enjoyed the content of Seminary. Looking back at it, it is staggering to think of how much time I spent in both of these activities. Combined with the total hours I spent in church and the entire two years I spent on my mission, I spent so much of my time thinking about church. No wonder it's hard for me to stop talking about it.

This chapter is one that I have looked forward to writing. It is a topic that affected so much of my life and brought so much shame and guilt. Not to mention, I personally think it is one of the most dominating and invasive parts of Mormon culture, especially in Utah, and more specifically Utah County where I was raised. Because of the dominating population of Mormons, there is a social peer pressure to keep all the standards perfectly and everyone knew if someone didn't. A large chunk of high school gossip had to do with who was and wasn't keeping these standards.

To begin, I want to lay out a few of these standards and expectations. All of these can be found in a pamphlet published by the Church entitled For the Strength of Youth. It covers 19 different topics that the Church leaders want youth to be conscious of. I remember being encouraged to keep a copy of this pamphlet on my nightstand and read a section every night before going to bed. I don't know that I ever did that, but I definitely took everything in this book very seriously. I will quote excerpts from the pamphlet and then expand. These are all taken directly from the sections entitled Dating and Sexual Purity. There are other topics in the pamphlet that will not be explored in this chapter.

You should not date until you are at least 16 years old. When you begin dating, go with one or more additional couples. Avoid going on frequent dates with the same person. Developing serious relationships too early in life can limit the number of other people you meet and can perhaps lead to immorality.1

The whole "don't date before your 16" idea was taken very seriously. I remember there was one girl in my high school who had skipped a grade. She was in one of my classes and the teacher always teased her that she couldn't go to homecoming until her Senior year because she would turn 16 just after her Junior year Homecoming. That's how expected it was. Even the teachers promoted and talked about it. Typically everyone assumed that everyone else wasn't going to date until they were 16 and the standard was just expected whether you wanted to follow it or not. If someone made the decision to go to a school dance before their 16th birthday, everyone knew about it. I remember a friend who regularly challenged that thinking. Their argument was that there wasn't something that magically happened at midnight on your 16th birthday that suddenly made you mature enough to date. I remember thinking something like "But the prophet says so!" but in hindsight I am actually very impressed that they would challenge the group think around them at such a young age.

Now, I want to effectively illustrate what was considered dating. Growing up, there were many kids my same age in my ward. It was a fairly even mix of girls and boys. We would hang out together all the time. It usually consisted of us walking around the neighborhood in the middle of the street talking, joking, and laughing. During the summer we'd play night games every night. I'm not sure if it's common to call it "night games" outside the Mormon community, but it consisted of us playing games like capture the flag, kick the can, and sardines after sunset. Almost all of our parents had a strict rule that if there was the same number of boy as there were girls, then it was a group date. Apparently they felt that there was too much risk of us pairing off. So before we were 16, this was forbidden. And even if someone's parents didn't care, it didn't matter because it was enforced by, not only everyone else's parents, but by the community. Often there would be comments from other adults who weren't related to any of us telling us to be careful or pointing out that there were three boys and three girls. One of us would feel guilty enough and go home. I'm completely serious when I say this was a regular occurrence.

Once you actually turn 16, as stated, it is highly discouraged to go on dates alone, or what are often referred to as "single dates". Every date had to be planned with at least one other couple. At school dances, sometimes these groups of couples would exceed 50 people. I'm not joking.

It wasn't rare that kids would want to go on their first date on, or as close as possible, to their 16th birthday. Because my birthday is in the summer, on my sweet 16 I was with my family on a vacation in Nauvoo, Illinois — a city founded by the early Mormon Pioneers before going to Utah. So, naturally, I still found a way to go on a date on my 16th birthday. 2 years earlier, I had met a girl at EFY — Mormon summer camp — that I had kept in contact with who actually lived in the region near Nauvoo. I had a crush on her, so I asked her if she would be my first date on my 16th birthday. Man, I was so Mormon.

Up until writing this, I had actually forgotten that we broke the rule of no single dates that day but I had justified it because we were going to see a movie in the Church's visitors center in Nauvoo. Not just any movie, but the Church's most recent, awe-inspiring movie about the life of Joseph Smith. This movie was powerful. Sure, it leaves out the fact that he practiced polygamy, destroyed a printing press, and many other things they don't you to know about, but as a TBM, I loved this movie it. It was my date's first time seeing the movie and she also enjoyed it. That is how Mormon I was. My first date was on my 16th birthday, with a girl I met at Mormon summer camp, in the Mormon city of Nauvoo, and watching a full-length movie about Joseph Smith.

As far as avoiding "frequent dates with the same person", this one was interesting to see how people interpreted it. Some just didn't care and dated one person exclusively, but would still make efforts to go on group dates. Others would make sure to go on at least one other date with at least one other person before going out with the same person again. This created a very interesting environment. Just like any high school, there was the desire for more serious relationships, but the titles of boyfriend and girlfriend were taboo and hardly ever used. They signified that you were dating someone exclusively, which was against the rules. So it was more common to say that two people "liked each other" or that they were "going out". Some would keep these relational dynamics between a group of trusted friends and typically didn't like to address them. Others were publicly known and if you were to ever go on a date with someone in that type of relationship it was just socially understood that the date was as friends because they really were with someone else. If in this type of relationship, the biggest school dances, such as homecoming and prom, were saved for your significant other, while all the other ones were typically reserved for friends. All of this got very confusing very fast.

I myself consciously decided to go on dates frequently and never to date anyone exclusively. I never had a serious girlfriend until age 21 when I started dating my the woman who is now my wife. In high school, I would go on at least one date a month but often more frequently and I never took the same girl out twice. It was very common for Darrell — from chapter 8 — and I to double together and just go get ice cream or something simple. Once we got a bucket of Laffy Taffys and just read the jokes off of all of them for an hour. That was fun. As you know, I was way into my Mormonism and keeping the standards, so I was typically attracted to girls who were of similar attitudes. Whenever I tried to enter a secret, delicate Mormon relationship like the ones I just explained, the girl usually didn't feel comfortable because of all the rhetoric and pressure related to not dating exclusively. As a TBM, I completely agreed and didn't blame her. So I was never in any sort of meaningful relationship in high school.

The dating world in Utah Mormon culture is definitely strange, embarrassing, and shaming. But what only magnifies it is the Church's teachings and standards around chastity. For the Strength of Youth says this under the category of sexual purity:

Before marriage, do not participate in passionate kissing, lie on top of another person, or touch the private, sacred parts of another person’s body, with or without clothing. Do not do anything else that arouses sexual feelings. Do not arouse those emotions in your own body.

Avoid situations that invite increased temptation, such as late-night or overnight activities away from home or activities where there is a lack of adult supervision. Do not participate in discussions or any media that arouse sexual feelings. Do not participate in any type of pornography.2

There are lot of things in there that can be very hard for hormonal teenagers to follow and, as demonstrated in chapter 4, the Church takes all of these things extremely seriously. Of all the shame that was brought on me in my life from the Church, this was the topic that brought the most, and I kept these rules. I can't imagine how I would have felt had I not.

In my youth, my bishop would meet with all the boys regularly to talk about chastity. He told us that we couldn't touch a girl anywhere that a bikini would cover, which honestly sounds pretty reasonable for a religious leader to be saying. Pornography was addressed frequently as well and it was strictly forbidden. I went my entire adolescence not purposefully looking at pornography. I naively thought this was normal among other Mormons as well until I left the Church and have since learned that I was an anomaly. I remember once a pornographic image popped up on my computer and I was terrified. I immediately closed the window and stepped away from the computer. I was too afraid to tell my parents and I felt very guilty.

Church leaders will typically encourage families to put their computers in an open place in the home. The idea is that a kid won't feel that they have the privacy to search for pornography. I had a computer in my bedroom for a couple of years but it didn't have an Internet connection. I've always enjoyed writing and that's what I used it for. I remember one day coming home from Church and telling my Dad that my leader said I couldn't have the computer in my room because it wasn't safe. I didn't even consider the fact that I had never had a problem with pronography, but I was convinced that if the computer was in my room where no one could see me, I would develop a problem. My Dad told me he wasn't worried about it because of the lack of Internet connection and nothing changed.

On top of all of this, as the pamphlet says, we weren't supposed to do anything that would "[arouse] sexual feelings". I remember at the age of 13 hugging a girl my same age and feeling very guilty because of how it made me feel. Or at 14 and holding a girl's hand. By the time I kissed a girl just before turning 17, I must have gotten over that shame because I didn't necessarily feel it then. But I never would have dreamed of using tongue, or as the pamphlet says "passionate kissing". There were many times in which I would try to justify my actions by asking my friends about them. "Do you think I was dancing too close to her?" "Is it ok to be alone with her for that long?" I'm still trying to overcome comparing myself to others.

I know that all of things are harmless and many reading are probably laughing, but the stress and shame were real. After all of these group meetings with the bishop talking about chastity, we would leave somber and down because the topic was rarely discussed in an uplifting way, but in a condescending, hopeless way. To capture the essence of the rhetoric, here's what the For the Strength of Youth has to say about not keeping these standards:

Do not allow the media, your peers, or others to persuade you that sexual intimacy before marriage is acceptable. It is not. In God’s sight, sexual sins are extremely serious. They defile the sacred power God has given us to create life.2

It then goes on to quote the Book of Mormon on topic saying that "sexual sins are more serious than any other sins except murder or denying the Holy Ghost".3 Yes, Mormon doctrine literally says that sexual sin is only slightly less worse than murder. I was told this as early as age 12. No wonder I never masturbated.

The temptation to break the rules only grew as you approached marriage. Many people will blame these strict rules as the reason that many Mormons get married so young. While there is no data supporting the claim, I tend to agree it is a large factor. Typically if a couple has sex before marriage and ends up getting pregnant, the bishop will encourage them to get married before the baby is born. I know several people this happened to, and thankfully it has worked out. But I have also heard my fair share of stories where it didn't work out. Sometimes the couple is really young and the relationship doesn't end up working well or was even abusive. To be fair, not all bishops would encourage this and some would analyze the situation and recognize some may not work out. But the number of Mormon couples with premarital pregnancies that end up getting married seems to suggest it is some sort of unwritten policy.

Before ending, I feel very compelled to point out two things. First, women and girls in the Church are shamed much more on this topic than men. Countless women have reported being told to dress modestly so that boys would have an easier time keeping their thoughts clean, implying that they are responsible for other people's thoughts. Additionally, I can't begin to imagine how it must be to hear all of this as a member of the LGBT community. To further quote For the Strength of Youth:

Homosexual and lesbian behavior is a serious sin. If you find yourself struggling with same-gender attraction or you are being persuaded to participate in inappropriate behavior, seek counsel from your parents and bishop. They will help you.2

At least I, as a straight man, knew that I was going to be able to express my love intimately with my partner after marriage. Gays in the Church, currently do not have that hope.

For the Strength of Youth, Dating ↩

For the Strength of Youth, Sexual Purity ↩

Alma 39:5 ↩

In chapter 2 I mentioned some differences between the Aaronic Priesthood and the Melchizedek Priesthood. To recap and give some additional context: the Aaronic Priesthood is given to young men at the age of 12 and the Melchizedek Priesthood is given to men at the age of 18. When you receive the priesthood you are assigned to your respective office. As previously stated, Deacon, Teacher, and Priest are the most common offices in the Aaronic Priesthood and are dictated by your age. The offices of Elder and High Priest are the most common offices in the Melchizedek Priesthood. When you enter the Melchizedek Priesthood, you are assigned to the office of Elder and remain so until you are called to be a High Priest. Each person holding these offices is to attend their respective class every Sunday. These groups of men in their respective priesthood offices are most commonly referred to as a quorum (yes, fellow fans, the creator of Battlestar Galactica was Mormon).

Now, each quorum has what is referred to as a presidency. This presidency consists of a president, two assistants — more commonly referred to as counselors —, and a secretary. Their duties are to oversee that lessons and activities get planned and executed as well as keep an eye out for their fellow quorum members. As small teenagers, we were encouraged to respect, honor, and look up to the members of the presidency. I remember wanting to be called as president. I have always been ambitious and, as a little 12 year old, I felt this was a great way to fulfill those ambitions. I was disappointed the first time a new presidency was called when I was a Deacon and I was not chosen. The president is chosen by the bishop and then assigned to go a pray about who the two counselors and secretary should be. I even approached the other kid who had been called as president and expressed my desire to serve to no avail. But eventually my time came and I was called to be president of the Deacon's quorum.

I remember the member of the bishopric on the other side of the phone telling me that, as president, I was entitled to the "ministering of angels" and would be inspired as to who to pick to be my two counselors.1 I am fairly positive that there were only four boys, including myself, in the quorum at the time. Thus, it was quite obvious who the rest of the presidency was going to be, but the question was who was going to serve in what position. Of course, I channeled my inner holier than thou and examined who was the most worthy of the other three to be my first counselor. Naturally, I picked my best friend. I later told him that I got a particularly strong feeling when praying to know if he should be my first counselor. I now have little doubt that it was just my confirmation bias that was particularly strong. For future reference in the storyline, I will refer to this friend as Darrell. I called the next oldest kid to be the second counselor and the youngest of us four to be the secretary. I honestly can't remember much that I did as Deacon's quorum president other than stress out when one of the other Deacons didn't show up to church, and making sure we had enough boys to pass the sacrament.

When I became a Teacher, I was called into the presidency fairly early on. I was called to be first counselor to another very close friend. I often referred to this friend as my best friend as well. I'll call him Shawn. To this day, if you ask me who my best friends were in junior high, I'll say Shawn and Darrell. Although, when high school came around, Shawn slowly disappeared from my social life while Darrell did not. I was a groomsman at Darrell's wedding and still refer to him as one of my best friends. But that is getting off topic. Some time after Shawn became a Priest, I was called as Teacher's quorum president. I am not positive if it was immediately after Shawn left the quorum or not, but I know that I was president again at some point and my 15 year old self was giddy as hell. As teacher's quorum president my duties shifted from providing sufficient hands to pass the sacrament to ensuring enough boys would arrive on time to prepare it. Oh and getting the bread there on time, a problem I touch on in chapter 6.

Like I said, the other boys were encouraged to admire and follow the example of their quorum presidents. If you were picked as president, it was a sign that Heavenly Father was pleased with you and a signal to the other boys that you must be doing something right. It encouraged the Mormon mold. Before doing something that I thought questionable, I would often ask myself if I could see my quorum president doing it. It was normally something really benign such as listening to a song with a cuss word. Like many things in my life, this feeling only amplified in my mission when I was supposed to be a spiritual giant 24/7 and would constantly compare myself to the best and highest ranking missionaries. As a teenager though, the best and ultimate example was the first assistant to the bishop. This was essentially the equivalent of the Teacher's and Deacon's quorum president to the Priest's quorum, but technically the bishop was the president of the Priest quorum. That is just Mormon semantics that I'm not going to get into. The point is, I revered whoever that boy was. His assignment to me communicated that he was the most spiritually sound adolescent person I could associate myself.

Darrell's birthday is just a matter of weeks before mine and he was called as first assistant. I want to say that I was disappointed because this meant that I likely would never get the official title of first assistant and that I would only serve de facto in the position for a few weeks before leaving the quorum. However, I can't honestly say that I remember being disappointed. Sure enough, that's exactly what happened. Darrell turned 18, became an Elder, and I became the fall back first assistant to the bishop for a bit.

I'm not sure how much I can argue that this desire to be in a leadership position was instilled in me culturally by the Church and how much of it was just innate to my personality. However the fact that I became disaffected with this desire while still faithful, felt completely liberated from it upon leaving, and no longer struggle with it — at least not consciously — strongly suggests to me that it was more of a cultural influence. To be fair, many Mormons will report that they did not feel similar desires or much competition at all. But many others will admit to experiencing nearly the same thing and it having similar psychological effects on them as it did on me. Ultimately, it probably stemmed from both cultural and natural influences, but the cultural influence simply magnified the negative effects.

Doctrine and Covenants 13:1 ↩

Mormons attend three hours of Church every Sunday. It generally consists of three, hour-long meetings that typically occur in the following order:

Here they take the sacrament as talked about in previous chapters. After the sacrament, talks and sermons are given from leaders and various members of the ward. It is often a dreaded assignment to speak in sacrament meeting.

Here everyone goes to their assigned class to learn about the gospel and church doctrine on various subjects. The children go to Primary, the youth are split up by age into different classes, and the adults are normally all together.

Here all the men attend classes with their respective Priesthood offices, i.e. Deacon, Teacher, Priest as I talked about in previous chapters. The young women attend classes dictated by their age, and the women attend Relief Soceity, essentially an all women sunday school class.

The content and style of the second and third meetings will be addressed in later chapters. For now I am going to concentrate on sacrament meeting, more specifically fast and testimony meeting. Fast and testimony meeting is a special sacrament meeting that occurs on the first Sunday of every month. Members of the ward are supposed to fast for 24 hours this day, though the only time I went the entire 24 was during my mission. It was normal for me to completely forget until the night before and just skip breakfast and lunch the next day. I'm positive I was not the only one that did this. Regardless, members are supposed to be fasting and typically should fast for something. For example, when I was ten my grandfather had a heartattack and the next fast Sunday we all fasted and prayed for a healthy recovery. This is a spiritual practice not unique to Mormonism.

In fast and testimony meeting, after everyone takes the sacrament, anyone in the congregation is invited to approach the pulpit and bear their testimony. This legal-sounding phrase, "bear testimony", is extremely common in Mormonism. In fact, if you search Google for those two words, the first link is an article from the Church's website entitled What does it mean to bear testimony?. Here's the first paragraph from the article:

A testimony is a spiritual witness, given by the Holy Ghost, of the truthfulness of the gospel. When we bear testimony, we declare to others what we know to be true by the power of the Spirit. The foundation of a testimony is the knowledge that Heavenly Father lives and loves us, that Jesus Christ is our Savior, that His gospel has been restored through the Prophet Joseph Smith, and that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is the Savior’s true Church.

In summary, the basic idea is that the Holy Ghost has supposedly told you that these things are true and you are able to claim that you know them to be true. The extreme majority of testimonies typically start out with "I'd like to bear my testimony that I know this Church is true." Other common statements and sentiments expressed include "I know Joseph Smith was a prophet", "I know Christ lives", "I know Heavenly Father answers prayers", and "I know he loves me". The word "know" is very important in this situation. If you had prayed to God and felt that what you were praying about was true, according to Mormons, you know that it's true. Yes, this leaves plenty of room for confirmation bias and self-deception to take place, but I was taught that this was a legitimate and valid way to determine truth.

Testimony meetings tended to be powerfully spiritual in the sense that as someone was bearing their testimony with conviction, many others in the room were inspired and touched by that conviction and understood that to be the Spirit confirming the truth of what this person was saying. The Church teaches that the best way to help someone to feel the Spirit, and therefore know of the truthfulness of the Church, is to bear powerful testimony. Here is a video that I showed regularly to people I was teaching on my mission. It's the story of how Brigham Young supposedly found his testimony of the validity of the Church. The story goes that Brigham was skeptical of the Book of Mormon and the teachings of Joseph Smith. Then a man said to him that he knew the Book of Mormon was true and at that moment Brigham said he knew it was all true. Here is this idea summarized straight from Mormon scripture1:

...for when a man speaketh by the power of the Holy Ghost the power of the Holy Ghost carrieth it unto the hearts of the children of men.

In the Mormon community, there is almost an inside joke that there is always some 12 or 13 year old boy in every ward who gets up every testimony meeting and becomes emotional while bearing his testimony. In my ward, I was that boy. I remember the first time I got up to do it at the age of 11. I believe my Mom had just gone to the pulpit — which in hindsight seems wrong because my Mom hates public speaking — and gave her testimony and I followed suit. I got up there and began spitting off what I had heard everyone else say. "I know the Church is true. I know Joseph Smith was a prophet" etc. I remember making eye contact with a woman in the ward who served with the Primary children, so I knew her fairly well. She had a tear in her eye which triggered my emotions, which I credited to the Holy Ghost. I often cited that as the moment when I gained my testimony.

Right before I turned 12, we moved to a different city in northern Utah County. After a year or maybe two of attending Church there, I got very comfortable standing up and bearing my testimony in front of everyone. I'm a fairly emotional person and it is not rare for me to cry when talking about things I am passionate about. As a 12 year old feeling the Mormon Spirit, I was a total water faucet every time. I quickly adopted quality public speaking skills and was able to powerfully bear testimony of the things that I supposedly knew to be true. Many times after fast and testimony meeting, adults in the ward would approach me and thank me for what I said and that they felt the Spirit. As time went on and I got older, I learned to control my emotions to some extent and got better at public speaking and continued to bear my testimony regularly, though not quite as frequently as when I was younger. On my mission when teaching people about the Church, I would do so daily, up to a dozen times a day as missionaries are taught to do so very frequently.

Growing up, I remember there being a distinct pressure put on the youth to "gain a testimony". As I said, I had mine from a young age so I don't remember feeling it, but I remember seeing more intellectually honest friends stressing out over it. I believe that if I had not gained it, my anxiety to do so would have been through the roof. As was said in chapter 4, several of the questions in the bishop interviews are regarding one's testimony of the Church and Joseph Smith. Typically if a youth couldn't affirmatively say that they had a testimony of those things, the bishop would ask if they had a belief in them which they would then answer, yes. With my current worldview, the distinction between knowledge and belief here sounds so silly to me because they were the same thing. But Mormon doctrine teaches that you must have a knowledge and not just simply a belief. To be fair, some more independent thinking Mormons will counter that statement and say that it is Mormon culture that teaches that and not Mormon doctrine. While I currently disagree with that rebuttal, I think it is a fair assessment.

The pressure to have your own testimony only intensified in testimony meetings and especially in testimony meetings that happened outside of sacrament meetings. Every summer the youth go on what the Mormons call youth conference. The planned activities vary from ward to ward and year to year. A couple times we went river rafting in Southern Utah. Another time we did a bunch of service projects around our neighborhoods. But almost inevitably there would be a testimony meeting at the end of it all. All the youth would get up one by one and bear their testimony as well as relate an experience they had that validated their beliefs. Often people would be overcome by emotion and be crying. In a way, I still find it beautiful: the idea of a group of dozens of people finding common belief and conviction and sharing it with each other. But then I remember the inadvertent shaming that would occur when one youth struggling to find their testimony would feel the pressure to get up in front of everyone and talk. Often, there would only be one or two at the end of the meeting that hadn't done so. Sometimes on top of being the only one not to have spoken, there would be verbal peer pressure to get up and speak. I'm not comfortable saying this was common, but I definitely saw it happen more than once. Again, the Mormon culture of shame and guilt is strong.

2 Nephi 33:1 ↩

As I explained in chapter 5, the young men's duties concerning the sacrament change as they get older. Once you turn 14 you are no longer a Deacon and become a Teacher. The Teachers are responsible for preparing the sacrament. This entails several of them arriving about 30 minutes or so before church, placing dozens of little plastic or paper cups into trays, filling them each with water, dividing a loaf of bread between several other trays, placing both the water and the bread trays on the sacrament table, and covering them all with a white clothe. In my ward, one boy was assigned to bring the loaf of bread each week. Being the absent minded 14 year olds that we were, it wasn't rare that the assigned boy forgot and the bread wasn't in place until minutes before, or even after, the meeting started. For a while, we just started keeping several loaves of bread in the freezer in the church and move one loaf to the refridgerator on Friday or Saturday. One week, that somehow resulted in one of the loaves getting moldy, but the Teachers didn't notice before it was too late. We got a serious talking to from the bishop that same day.

At 16 you become a Priest and get to bless the sacrament. For many, this was a nerve-racking experience. Imagine sitting in front a group of 300 people, all of them listening to you, knowing what you were going to say, and the bishop reading along with the prayer to make sure you get it right. But to make it even worse, it has to be exactly right. Not even one word can be wrong or else it has to be done again. There are several words and phrases in the prayers that are similar and easily confused. As an example, here's the prayer for the bread:

O God, the Eternal Father, we ask thee in the name of thy Son, Jesus Christ, to bless and sanctify this bread to the souls of all those who partake of it, that they may eat in remembrance of the body of thy Son, and witness unto thee, O God, the Eternal Father, that they are willing to take upon them the name of thy Son, and always remember him and keep his commandments which he has given them; that they may always have his Spirit to be with them. Amen.1

It was very common to accidentally say "that they may eat it" rather than simply "that they may eat". Or "and always have his Spirit" rather than "that they may always have his Spirit". In both cases the Priest would have start over and say it again. Once, a kid in my ward had to start over at least five or six times and got more frustrated each time until eventually he asked someone else to do it. I think that was his first time trying to do it too. Talk about scaring.

To add to the pressure, many times we would be lectured on the importance of our tone when reciting the prayers. It wasn't appropriate to simply read it off quickly like a routine, but we were told to speak slowly, reverently, and thoughtfully. I have memories of members publicly expressing how important it is to them that the Priests said the prayers with conviction and sincerity. I personally prided myself in my ability to do so and was often personally complimented by others for the way in which I performed. Yeah, I was pretty self righteous.

This only added to the culture of comparison and shaming that I mentioned in the previous chapter. It was frustrating to mess up and have to start over not only because everyone was listening, but because it felt like the other Priests were judging you. Granted, not all of them were, but I couldn't help but wonder.

Doctrine and Covenants 20:77 ↩

Like baptism, I never would have dreamed of not receiving the priesthood once I turned 12. It was just what you did and I was quite excited for it. As a little, aspiring priesthood holder, you come revere the 12 and 13 year old Deacons who pass the sacrament every Sunday. In my childish imagination, they almost seemed like Army soldiers marching up and down the aisles, handing the first person in every pew the trays of bread and water, strictly staring straight ahead waiting for the tray to be returned to them, taking it back and continuing in their assigned route until the entire congregation had partaken. Also in the public eye were the Priests, the 16 and 17 year old boys, who reverently sat at the sacrament table in front of the entire congregation until they had to break the bread and bless the sacrament. The blessing consists of one of them kneeling down in front of a microphone beneath the table and reciting word for word the sacrament prayers as found in the scriptures. They too seemed to exercise these tasks with such precision that I marveled as a kid. The Priests handing the trays to the Deacons always seemed so well executed and orchestrated. I remember being let down when I found out that the Priests actually read the blessings from a card or sticker underneath the table. The Teachers, 14 and 15 boys, prepare the sacrament. As a child, I don't think I ever saw this happening due to the fact that it took place before everyone arrived.

When it came time for me to become a Deacon and pass the sacrament, all fantasies and expectations of executing the sacrament as swiftly as I had always perceived it were shattered the first week. I was assigned to pass the sacrament to the bishop, his counselors — basically his two right hand men —, and everybody else on the stand. I was nervous about getting things right because the bishop is always supposed to take the sacrament before anybody else in the room. He's the presiding officer in the meeting. Sometimes leaders that out rank him would visit the ward and they would preside and receive the sacrament first. If I recall correctly, I performed that part just fine, but in my nervousness, I missed the fact that I was also supposed to pass to the entire left side of the chapel as well. I lined back up in front of the sacrament table expecting my friends to do the same, but they didn't. Eventually they all lined up, we returned our trays of bread to the Priests, and received new trays with water. I performed my route again and awkwardly stood to wait for everyone else in front of the sacrament table. It didn't occur to me that I had only passed to about five people and left the other boys to pass to the remaining 300.

After standing there for about two minutes, a gentleman sitting close to where I was standing stood up and whispered to me that I should go help the other boys. I know his intentions were good, but I think that may have flustered me a bit more because I didn't know where to go from there. I did manage to figure it out and properly fulfilled my assignment. The next week, I made sure to get the same route again in order to redeem myself as I knew exactly what I was doing. As time went on, I was called to leadership positions and would direct the new and lost Deacons in similar situations. I remember once being complimented by a ward member for the way I handled myself and directed other boys while passing the sacrament. I was proud of that compliment. By the time you turn 14 and become a Teacher, you have all eight routes down perfectly.

The idea that I had that the Deacons were disciplined enough to reverently perform their sacramental duties was farfetched. Most 12 year old boys have a very short attention span and rather than looking straight ahead while waiting for the tray to return, they'll look around aimlessly, play with their hands, and probably be thinking about Minecraft. Occasionally there would be someone who looked so intently forward that they wouldn't even notice the tray had reached them again. Or sometimes a slightly socially awkward boy would look directly at every person as they place the bread in their mouth and the water cup to their lips. Normally, Deacons are instructed not to do that, as the sacrament is supposed to be a personal and private matter. Eventually, with coaching they learn not to do those things.

As with the temple, the sacrament often became a contest between us boys of who could be more reverent. As immature 12 year olds, we publicly called out those who failed at this. Looking back at it, I personally feel bad for doing so. It promoted a culture of comparison, which is terribly toxic and and potentially traumatic. That aspect of Mormon culture only thickened as I got older until it completely climaxed during my mission when there were 300 of us 19 year olds competing for the attention of one 65 year old man. But that's a story for another chapter.

Rituals such as the sacrament, baptism, and going to the temple are very important in the life of a Mormon. But before any of these things can happen, one needs to pass a what is often referred to as a worthiness interview. These interviews are conducted by the bishop and he asks you a series of questions to gauge your worthiness to perform these things. The interview typically takes place in the office of the bishop in the church where one attends every week. These interviews start early and happen more frequently for the youth of the Church. If I recall correctly, the one for baptism at age eight is the first one, but it's simply the bishop verifying the eight year old can recite the reasons to get baptized. The next one happens at age 12, and then yearly after that until you're 18. In adult life, they typically happen every other year to obtain a temple recommend. This is a card, signed by the bishop that signifies you have passed the interview and are worthy to enter the temple. You cannot enter the temple without it. The bishop will also occasionally call for an interview to extend certain assignments as well.

Usually, the interview is just yourself and the bishop, even when you're younger. Many parents have recognized the potential problem of letting their 12 year old child into a room with a middle aged man alone. It can be intimidating and dangerous. These fairly progressive parents insist on accompanying their child in the interview. When I was growing up, this would have been viewed as a taboo and defiant — it likely still is depending on the geographical region — and my parents never attended an interview with me. I never had an especially negative experience, other than arguing with the bishop in my late teenage years — we'll get into that in a later chapter — but I also have the privilege of being male and having the confidence society typically helps instill in men. Society is not as kind to females, especially Mormon society.

Many young women I knew growing up typically did not enjoy meeting with the bishop. At the time I didn't understand, but in hindsight, it's obvious. He was an intimidating, older man and was asking intimate details about their life that were private. Unfortunately, bishops often cross many lines, especially when talking about a teenager's romantic life. Some bishops will ask specifics about the physical aspects of romantic relationships. They feel entitled to do so because Mormons teach very strict abstinence before marriage and even the slightest sexual activity is enough to deem you unworthy to enter the temple or even take the sacrament on Sundays. If you want some examples of horror stories, just head over to the ex-Mormon subreddit — specific examples found here, here, and here.

To give you an idea of the questions asked in these interviews, here are the official questions asked when an adult is interviewing for their temple recommend.1 The bishop is advised to ask any follow up questions to clarify the person's position if needed. I provide commentary and context between each question.

Do you have faith in and a testimony of God the Eternal Father; His Son, Jesus Christ; and the Holy Ghost?

This is a simple question to make sure you believe in the Godhead as Mormon doctrine defines it and is typically answered with a quick "yes".

Do you have a testimony of the Atonement of Christ and of His role as Savior and Redeemer?

Mormons, like Christians, believe very strongly that Jesus is the only way to get to heaven. This is also normally answered quickly with a "yes".

Do you have a testimony of the Restoration of the gospel in these, the latter days?

Mormons believe Joseph Smith restored the church of Christ as he had supposedly implemented it in the Bible. This is important to them and this belief sets them apart from all other Christian religions. If you cannot answer yes to the this question, there would be some serious concerns from many bishops.

Do you sustain the President of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints as the prophet, seer, and revelator and as the only person on the earth who possesses and is authorized to exercise all priesthood keys? Do you sustain members of the First Presidency and the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles as prophets, seers, and revelators? Do you sustain the other General Authorities and local authorities of the Church?

This one contains a lot of Mormon buzz words, but basically asking if you believe God can talk to the current president of the Church as a prophet and if you support him in that role.

Do you live the law of chastity?

This obviously applies to the sexual life of the interviewee and is often where lines are crossed. One would typically bring up concerns here if they weren't married but sexually active, were married but having an affair, were gay, were masturbating, watching porn or doing anything else the Church deems sexually inappropriate. As a youth, had I made out with a girl, I likely would have felt guilty and brought it up here. The first time I was asked this question, I actually didn't know what the bishop was referring to. I was likely 13 or 14 at the time and he clarified by just asking me if I was looking at pornography on the Internet.

Is there anything in your conduct relating to members of your family that is not in harmony with the teachings of the Church?

Here they want to make sure everything is alright at home and that everyone is happy, healthy, and safe.

Do you support, affiliate with, or agree with any group or individual whose teachings or practices are contrary to or oppose those accepted by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints?2

This question is fairly controversial, even among members of the Church. They want to make sure the interviewee isn't associating with anti-Mormons, cults, or promoting something against Church doctrine. Many people in the late 2000s were excommunicated for not complying with this question simply for supporting their gay sibling or child and publicly supporting gay rights. It would not surprise me if some, with a more fundamentalist mindset, would say they could not associate with me because of my feelings towards the Church. I once had somebody tell me that if you wore a shirt with a beer logo on it, you could not answer this questions confidently.

Do you strive to keep the covenants you have made, to attend your sacrament and priesthood meetings, and to keep your life in harmony with the laws and commandments of the gospel?

They want to make sure you are going to Church.

Are you honest in your dealings with your fellowmen?

Another typical, not surprising question.

Are you a full-tithe payer?

Mormons are asked to tithe 10% of their income to the Church. This is the Church's main source of revenue and if you're not paying, you can't enter the temple. This tends to be a conflict of interest for lower income families as they feel the need to enter the temple and participate in the rituals when seeking spiritual guidance in hard times, but they have an extremely hard time paying tithing, for obvious reasons. Tithing, to me personally, is a hot button issue.

Do you keep the Word of Wisdom?

The Word of Wisdom refers to a commandment recorded by Joseph Smith dictating things Mormons can and cannot consume. This is the law that states Mormons can't drink coffee, tea, or alcohol. This is also a very controversial topic and probably the one left the most open for interpretation within the Church. This topic will be addressed in depth in a later chapter.

Have there been any sins or misdeeds in your life that should have been resolved with priesthood authorities but have not been?

This is the time where you confess something you have done that may not have been covered in the other questions.

Do you consider yourself worthy to enter the Lord’s house and participate in temple ordinances?

This one is pretty self explanatory. Although, I have heard of people answering no to this question even after answering appropriately to all the others.

Now, how strictly these rules and questions are enforced will vary greatly from bishop to bishop. In the ex-Mormon community we call it leadership roulette because when you get a new bishop, he may do things completely differently than the old one. It especially feels like roulette when you move into a new ward and have no idea how the bishop is going to be. To help conquer this, I once had an idea with my friends to launch a Rate My Professor style website called Rate My Bishop where members of a ward could leave reviews of their bishop for potential new residents. The idea never got off the ground.

Preparing for a Heavenly Marriage, Robert D. Hales ↩

Temple Recommend Questions, lds4u.com ↩

I have fond memories of attending BYU football games during elementary school years. My Dad had season tickets from the time I was seven or so and I loved going to the games with my parents. Occasionally I got to bring a friend and we'd think we were on top of the world watching the Cougars play at home. I remember when I was around the age of seven, there was an auction in my ward. I do not remember where the funds were being contributed to, nor did I care at that age. What I do remember was spending all of my paper route money bidding on a football signed by the entire BYU football from that season. I was the happiest kid in the room that night and I still have that football to this day. I do not think that any players went on to the NFL from that team and it is likely not worth much but it doesn't matter, it's mine :)

College football is immensely popular in Utah, there being no NFL team; however, at that point in time many Utahns were San Francisco 49ers fans because of Steve Young a Mormon, BYU alum, and three time Super Bowl champion. As a kid I idolized the guy and read every book on him that my school library had. I loved the stories of him drinking milk at parties where everyone else was drinking alcohol. My Mom once told me that he took the sacrament on Saturdays because he was playing football nearly every Sunday. I thought that was so cool that he still tried to do the right thing despite breaking the sabbath. To this day, if a Utahn is not a Denver Broncos fan, I'd bet money they're a 49ers fan.

I recall being slightly disturbed when I learned that John Stockton was not a Mormon. I was a huge Jazz fan (and I still hate the Chicago Bulls) and he was my favorite. I would always want to sport number 12 when participating in city basketball leagues. He undoubtedly was a great player and, in my childish naivete, I always assumed he was Mormon and played basketball for BYU before playing in the NBA, just like Steve Young. I did not however assume the same things of Stockton's counterpart Karl Malone. I'm sure there was plenty of unconscious racial bias at play in both of those assumptions, something which I am still trying to shake to this day. The fact of the matter is, I didn't know many, if any black Mormons. When an organization deprives its members of color of the same rights as their white members until the late 1970s, there tends to not be many members of color.

Recently a co-worker was amazed at all the knowledge I had about BYU basketball and football players and their subsequent professional careers. And he had good reason. Here are some facts about Mormon BYU athletes that I can honestly name from the top of my head:

As you can tell, I'm definitely a sports fan, and being raised Mormon, I tend to know much more than the average person about Mormon athletes. Growing up in Provo, BYU is my hometown team, and I still enjoy watching their games even as an exmo. However, I will admit to a very real internal ethical struggle concerning my support of their programs. This is driven by the institution's homophobic, racist, and all around oppressive history. For this reason, I will not sport any paraphernalia with their name or logo in public, which I often do for other sports teams I follow. Even so, the strict implementation of the school's Honor Code to students that are not athletes versus the lax implementation of it to those that are have made me question the ethics supporting their athletics by simply following their teams.1

Unfortunately there is not a lot of documentation around this topic of the Honor Code implementation, but I recommend listening to Mormon Stories episode 788 for a terrific discussion around it. ↩

There are several major ages in the Church in which important rituals and practices are performed. The first being at eight, as I discussed in chapter one, for baptism. The next one is at 12, significant for all Mormons, but especially for the boys. It is when a young man receives what is called the Aaronic Priesthood. Now the Priesthood is a historically controversial topic for the Church. Joseph Smith claims to have received two priesthoods. One from John the Baptist, the figure who baptized Jesus in the Bible, presently referred to as the Aaronic Priesthood; and the other from Peter, James, and John 3 of Jesus' 12 disciples from the Bible, presently referred to as the Melchizedek Priesthood. But the date around which time he received the second Priesthood is questionable. Nor did Joseph Smith even mention it to anyone, including those in his close circles until nearly five years after he claimed that it happened.1 Additionally, when Joseph Smith died, it was not entirely clear who had the Priesthood authority to continue leading the church; the Priesthood was not given to people of African descent until 1978 (you read that right); and women have never been allowed to receive the Priesthood, much to many people's dismay. Yet, they entrust 12 year old boys with it.

For those boys, it isn't really a choice, but an expectation that you will receive it and perform the duties expected of you. As a 12 year old the only responsibility that anyone cares about is passing the sacrament to the ward members every Sunday. Scripturally, the sacrament consists of drinking wine and eating bread but later the Church began using water. This is usually used as a huge source of shame and fear to hold over the boys heads. I remember being told that people in the ward depended on us to get the sacrament every week and that it would be horrible for them to see us doing something that we shouldn't throughout the week. There I was, 12 years old, feeling like I have to act like an adult.

As stated, 12 years is an important age for all Mormons, not just the boys, because you can also enter the temple. In Mormonism, temples are different from the chapels where they attend church every Sunday. They perform special ordinances and rituals inside the temples that are not performed elsewhere. When someone turns 12, they don't get to participate in everything that happens in the temple, but they do get to represent deceased persons in baptisms. Yes, Mormons practice what they call baptisms for the dead. So yes, only boys get the important responsibility of allowing people to take the sacrament every week while the girls get to represent dead people.

Some youth in the Church make great efforts to go to the temple regularly, even weekly. I knew groups of friends in high school that went every Wednesday morning before school. I know some that oddly went to the temple on group dates. To clarify, that was not the norm by any means and I remember thinking it was slightly strange. The experience consists of being handed a white jump suit that is inevitably going to be too large or too small — never did I get one that was ever comfortable — changing into it, waiting your turn to be called into the baptismal font (a small pool of water), and be dunked again, again, and again for different people. Women stand in for deceased women and men for deceased men.

The experience could be very spiritual in nature, but it often led to public displays of "holier than thou" in which people showed exactly how reverent they could be inside the temple. It was spiritual peer pressure. I remember always being told that you could feel the Spirit stronger than anywhere else inside the temple. I always felt this pressure to have some sort of personal revelation or something. Often, I would make decisions in the temple. I was told that Satan had absolutely no power over you while you were in the temple, so I always felt extra guilty if I ever had a "bad" or "dirty" thought while inside. It led me to question what kind of person I really was and caused a lot of emotional stress on me as a teenager. After all, those kind of thoughts are not natural and are the influence of the devil, that's what I was taught anyway. So to have them by your own power means you're like him. That was the conclusion I came to anyway. I'm sure I'm not the only one.

"I never heard that an Angel had ordained Joseph and Oliver to the Aaronic Priesthood until the year 1834[,] [183]5. or [183]6—in Ohio.… I do not believe that John the Baptist ever ordained Joseph and Oliver…" — (David Whitmer, quoted in Early Mormon Documents, ed. Dan Vogel, 5:137) ↩