My Vicious Love

That’s the question Rachel Holley and I ask in this week’s episode of My Vicious Love.

Everybody tells you to move on. Heal. Let go. Find closure. But what if healing isn’t about forgetting? What if it’s about learning to carry the experience without letting it carry you?

We get into all of it—the nights crying on the floor, the drinking, the promiscuity, the self-sabotage, the anger, the obsession, the loneliness, and the uncomfortable reality that heartbreak doesn’t just make you lose a relationship. Sometimes it costs you friends. Family. Your identity. Sometimes it introduces you to parts of yourself you didn’t even know existed.

Rachel and I also talk about our four-year friendship and how, oddly enough, getting over our exes is what brought us together. Some of the strongest connections you’ll ever build are with people who simply understand your pain without needing you to explain it.

For me, I’ve stopped looking at my exes as chapters I’d rather forget. They’re books on the shelf of my life. Every once in a while, I pull one down, reread a few pages, remember who I was, appreciate how much I’ve grown, and then put it back where it belongs. Not because I want them back—but because every one of those stories helped build the person I am today.

This isn’t an episode about getting revenge. It’s not about pretending you’re over it. It’s about asking the question most people are too afraid to answer honestly:

Do we ever really get over an ex… or do we simply become someone who knows how to live with the memories?

This week on My Vicious Love, we step into the in-between. The gray area. The emotional waiting room that happens after heartbreak, trauma, loss, addiction, failed relationships, family wounds, and the moments in life where you’re no longer who you were… but not quite who you’re becoming yet. This episode, Love Purgatory, features my dear friend Ryan Carrillo, someone I’ve shared over a decade of friendship, chaos, growth, healing, and life lessons with.

Together, Ryan and I unpack what it means to live in emotional limbo — those moments where you’re questioning everything. Do you stay? Do you leave? Do you forgive? Do you start over? Do you keep loving people who hurt you? Do you finally choose yourself? We talk openly about trauma in relationships, trauma within our families, addiction, self-worth, survival, and the complicated process of rebuilding your life while still carrying pieces of your past.

Ryan speaks candidly about his personal journey with the realities of overcoming destructive cycles, and how fatherhood completely transformed the way he views purpose, accountability, and love. We also dive into his evolution as a professional athlete and entrepreneur — from professional roller skating to building a beautiful life and business for himself out in Joshua Tree. We discuss what it really looks like to pursue growth while still navigating personal dilemmas, emotional baggage, and the pressure of adulthood.

What makes this episode special is that it doesn’t pretend healing is linear. It’s honest. Sometimes hilarious. Sometimes heavy. Sometimes uncomfortable. There are moments where we laugh until we can’t breathe, and moments where we sit in truths that a lot of people are too afraid to say out loud. But underneath all of it is a conversation about resilience — about learning that the “middle ground” in life is not weakness. Sometimes it’s actually where your greatest strength is built.

Love Purgatory is for anyone who feels emotionally stuck between chapters. For the people healing while still hurting. For the people trying to become softer without becoming weak. For the people learning that survival and healing are two completely different things.

This week on My Vicious Love, we’re talking about something I like to call Relationship-itis—that messy, in-between space where you want love… but you’re not exactly ready to act like you do. You’re craving connection, intimacy, consistency—all the things that come with a real relationship—but at the same time, you’re still holding onto your freedom, your options, your… chaos. And yeah, we’re gonna say it plainly: you want the relationship, but you’re not ready to stop being outside.

I’m joined by Amy and Eden, and we really get into it—from every angle. Male perspective, female perspective, gay, straight—no boundaries, no filters. We talk about what it actually feels like to be single right now, the emotional rollercoaster of dating, and that constant push and pull between wanting something real and not wanting to give up your independence. Because let’s be honest, it’s not just about other people—it’s about the battle happening inside you.

We get into the ugly parts too. The ghosting, the mixed signals, the almost-relationships, the “what are we?” conversations that go nowhere. All of it starts to stack up until you hit that point where you’re just exhausted. You’re like, “I’m done. I don’t want this anymore.” So you lean into being single, you get a little jaded, a little colder… but then that feeling creeps back in. The one that still wants love, still wants partnership, still wants something deeper.

And that’s really what this episode is about—the gray area. That space where you’re torn between two versions of yourself. The one that wants to be free, and the one that wants to be chosen. The one that’s tired of the game, but still somehow playing it. It’s messy, it’s honest, and it’s probably a little too real. So if you’ve ever felt stuck between “fuck this” and “I want forever,” this one’s for you.

The Aftermath: Peace Feels Weird When You’re Used to War is about what happens when everything finally stops. Not the breakdown, not the conflict—but what comes after it. When the noise dies, the tension disappears, and the people who once filled every emotional corner are no longer there. It’s that moment where life isn’t falling apart anymore… but it also doesn’t feel the way you expected it to.

This conversation with Eden Bookman grounds that reality. As someone who was present through some of the most defining, chaotic chapters, Eden brings a perspective that isn’t just supportive—it’s honest. Together, this episode reflects on the journey across these past 21 episodes, not to rehash the drama, but to understand what it all meant, what actually changed, and what growth really looks like when it’s no longer loud or performative.

Because the truth is, the aftermath isn’t dramatic—it’s quiet, and sometimes that quiet feels uncomfortable. Forgiveness happens. Boundaries get solidified. Certain bridges stay burned, others just fade. And what’s left is a version of life that’s more stable, more grounded… but unfamiliar at first. This episode sits in that space—the adjustment, the clarity, and the realization that peace can feel strange when you’ve spent so long learning how to survive chaos.

Feuds: Is Revenge a Dish Best Served Cold?

This week on My Vicious Love, after a nearly six-month hiatus, I am back with a bang to tackle a topic that may seem taboo but resonates deeply in everyone’s life: feuds and revenge. From personal experiences to profound losses, feuds have shaped relationships in ways we often overlook. Is seeking revenge the best way to settle old scores, or does it only deepen the wounds?

In this episode, I’ll dive into the complexities of feuds with friends and family, exploring the emotional and psychological impacts they leave behind. Through my own stories of conflict and resolution, I’ll shed light on the motivations behind revenge and whether it truly serves as closure or simply fuels more pain. Let’s break down the notion of revenge, its consequences, and whether there’s a better way to heal from betrayal. Join me as we uncover the layers of this powerful, often hidden, part of human interaction.

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This week on "My Vicious Love," join my guest Brian Loveless and me as we dive deep into the challenges and benefits of growing up gay, navigating the dating scene, and dealing with ghosting in the LGBTQ community. Brian, a licensed family and marriage therapist, brings his professional insights and personal experiences to the table, making for a rich and engaging discussion.
In this episode, the first of many where we explore the nuances of being single, we delve into the unique and sometimes quirky habits that come with single life. From the highs and lows of dating to the complexities of finding meaningful connections, we cover it all with honesty and humor. Brian and I share our own stories and reflections, providing listeners with relatable and heartfelt perspectives.
We leave no crumbs when it comes to discussing our childhoods, our coming-of-age stories, and the pivotal moments that shaped us. This episode promises to be a candid and enlightening conversation about identity, love, and the journey to self-acceptance. Tune in on Spotify for a compelling start to a series that celebrates the vibrant and diverse experiences of the LGBTQ community.

In this episode of "My Vicious Love," we dive deep into the tumultuous yet profound world of sibling rivalry, with the insightful perspectives of my special guest and brother, Brandon ''Cap Angels'' Medina. Together, we unpack the complex emotional landscape that siblings navigate—from fierce competition to deep companionship. Join us as we share our anecdotes and uncover the often surprising lessons learned from growing up with someone who seems to be your complete opposite yet shares the same roots.

We'll explore how these early relationships mold our personal identities, influence our social interactions, and sometimes evolve into the strongest friendships. Through candid discussions, we'll examine the ways in which sibling rivalry can forge resilience and empathy, revealing the silver linings in those everyday battles. Tune in for a heartfelt and enlightening conversation about the impact of family dynamics on our lives. This episode of "My Vicious Love" will not only entertain but also illuminate the intricate bonds that define us.

TRIGGER WARNING.....................

This week's episode of "My Vicious Love" presents a poignant exploration into the complexities of family dynamics, forgiveness, and the long journey toward healing from trauma. As I navigate through the intricacies of my life, the scars of past wounds often linger, shaping our path forward. This episode is a deep dive into the personal battles faced when overcoming years of gaslighting, mutilation, and deceit—a narrative that not only highlights the struggle but also the resilience of the human spirit in the quest for freedom and overcoming fear.

At the heart of this discussion lies the critical examination of generational curses, the impact of growing up in broken homes, and the enduring effects of abuse. Through a candid recounting of personal experiences, this episode aims to shed light on the oft-hidden realities many endure, offering insights into the journey of breaking free from the chains of the past. It's a tale of caution, yet also one of hope, illustrating the power of forgiveness and the possibility of healing, even in the face of seemingly insurmountable odds.

Unveil the secrets to a resilient heart on the latest episode of "My Vicious Love"! Dive deep into the profound theme of a broken heart as we navigate the tumultuous journey of the past 40 days. Join me as I share my battle with heart-related health issues and the transformative lifestyle changes that ensued.

Discover the gripping challenges of bidding farewell to caffeine and alcohol in my quest for a healthier, heartier life. Immerse yourself in the riveting exploration of cutting-edge research and investigation, unraveling the mysteries behind our choices and their profound impacts on our health.

This episode is not just about stories; it's a compelling narrative of seizing control, reflecting on choices, and understanding the intimate connection between our emotional resilience and heart health. Join me on this empowering journey of ownership and resilience in the face of adversity!

Learn the art of mastering life's stress and trauma, hand in hand with nurturing a resilient heart. Whether it's family, friends, love, or work, each factor plays a crucial role in shaping our stress responses and heart health. Break free from vicious love cycles and generational curses as we confront the challenges head-on, emerging stronger and wiser.

Don't let your heart be a casualty! Tune in now to "My Vicious Love" and unlock the keys to overcoming life's challenges, growing stronger, and finding the roots of your problems. Your heart deserves the spotlight, and this episode is your guide to a healthier, happier life!

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In this week's episode of "My Vicious Love," I bravely tackle the often unspoken battles that can arise with ex-partners. Having hesitated for almost seven months, I finally delved into this sensitive subject, prompted by a Christmas Eve incident during my vacation. The episode sheds light on the importance of avoiding the involvement of others, especially family members, in these hidden wars. Listeners will gain insights into navigating the challenges, including disregarding the narratives spun by exes and staying true to oneself, even in the face of disbelief or pain.

The focus of the episode is empowerment and resilience, emphasizing the significance of reclaiming one's power and steadfastly standing by personal beliefs. I encourage listeners to reflect on their own experiences, demonstrating that it's never too late to acknowledge faults and embark on the journey of healing from trauma. This emotionally charged episode confronts my demons, presenting a raw and authentic exploration of the complexities involved in moving forward from past relationships.