Today we speak to the wonderful Beth Sandland, from @bethsandland. In this podcast, we openly discuss Beth's experience of pregnancy after loss (TW), and the stigma around this. We also chat about her feelings and thoughts, coping mechanisms around this, and where she is today.

Beth's Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/bethsandland/

Zoe's Book - https://www.amazon.co.uk/Pregnancy-After-Loss-day-day-ebook/dp/B08572VWXF

Eve: Today were speaking to Beth from @bethsandland about her journey of motherhood in particular her experience of two miscarriages. Do you want to start by introducing yourself?

Beth: I'm 25 and I live in south London with my husband. We got married in October and we had a tiny pandemic wedding. I am a lifestyle Blogger and pre pandemic I did travel blogging. We spent all of 2019 abroad which took us to lots of places and it was incredible. We spent a lot of time in Australia and really fell in love with it. We also went to Sri Lanka which I didn’t know much about this before and now I should be on some kind of commission for the tourists. If anyone asks where to travel, I always say there as it suits any traveller!

Eve: I actually went to Sri Lanka in 2019 as well, it was incredible! The people are so friendly and happy to help, I would love to go back. As a brand this year and our campaign we are really trying to cover all journeys of motherhood. What’s your journey to motherhood?

Beth: I first found out I was pregnant in November 2019, it was unplanned and felt like a blessing, it was perfect timing. We had just returned home from that 12-month trip. You had been on this whirlwind time and you’re back home doing the dishes and putting the bins out. Being pregnant was our next adventure! I then had a missed miscarriage which was diagnosed at a scan and it was a complete shock. I knew about miscarriages from the internet but like most people, I never thought it would happen to me. It shook my world going to the scan and someone saying there is going to be no baby. I didn’t know how to process this, and the grief was very real. There is still a lot of stigma attached to it and people think why has this happened to me, I’m the only one to have experienced this. If you asked your friends and they were really honest, you would find this is something a lot of women go through.

Eve: The statistics do say 1 in 4 women will experience this in their lifetime, which is huge.

Beth: We really battled with the loss and this happening twice. We had made room in our hearts to extend our family and then it’s all gone again. There is very much a stigma and a lot people say things which they think are well meaning that are fundamentally unhelpful. It’s the at least’s, the at least you weren’t further at along, at least your young and it makes you wonder whether there was a baby and whether you can grieve. There is a lot of seeking validation to see people that had gone through it and now working. No matter what anyone says when you find out your pregnant, you start planning and having a date in the diary for 9 months’ time.

It completely changed our priorities and we needed a few months to recover emotionally. I had the D&C surgery to ‘manage’ the miscarriage. The pandemic took away all my coping mechanisms. I was just starting to work and going out socialising with my friends. We weren’t sure what impact the virus would have on pregnancy. We started trying again in the summer and I fell pregnant again quickly, but this ended up in an early bleed. This was a very different feeling to the first time around. I was much more preoccupied whether there was anything wrong with me.

Eve: Did you find it any easier to cope with because you had been there already?

Beth: Maybe, it wasn’t as much as a shock and not nearly as traumatic as the first miscarriage which was further along. It was very upsetting, but I could cope with it more. We decided to have a break after having a more negative tests and we got married and we were focusing on planning a pandemic wedding. We took the pressure off and the universe had very different plans as I’m now 7 months pregnant.

I sought therapy after the first miscarriage. One of the things I told the therapist was that I worried pregnancy would never be a surprise again and would always be planned and tracking cycles. It’s the trying to conceive that no one talks about. It was so lovely in the summer to find out I was pregnant again; I remind myself each day that I’m a day closer to meeting our baby.

Eve: As you said miscarriage is a very tough subject for people. As suffering 2 miscarriages yourself, has this changed your outlook on life?

Beth: It changed my outlook and my priorities. We’re not in control you can only plan so much. When people ask the where do you see yourself in 5 question, you can influence things, but you can’t plan out your life.

Eve: When I was younger, I used to say I’m going to get married at x age and have a baby at x age and when you get older there are different factors and your life changes a lot. You are an amazing advocate for support over on Instagram and are very open speaking about your experiences. How did it affect you and also your partner as well?

Beth: Seeking therapy was good for me since I was grieving deeply. It took time for me to think it was ok that I was feeling the way I was. My husband was very open with me about it, which is very important as men sometimes get forgotten about with their feelings about a pregnancy. We really did communicate well as a team.

I decided to share online after some time as it felt like the right thing to do and to reflect. It felt impossible to ignore. I would go to hit the publish button 5 days in a row as I didn’t know how this would be received. A lot of the support I have received has been online and is invaluable. I get messages from people opening up telling me they have not told anyone what they are going through.

Eve: Where would you advise people to go to, if they are struggling today?

Beth: The Saying Goodbye charity run by Zoe is all about baby loss, her and her charity have time for anyone. She has a few books which have been really helpful to me. Tommy’s charity is also brilliant, and I have spoken to them. There are a lot of charities out there where you can talk to them without having to pick up the phone. I think writing it down and getting it off your chest is a good thing to do.

Eve: What does motherhood mean to you?

Beth: My perception of motherhood has changed a lot, I’ve learned that you don’t have to have a baby in your arms to be a mum. I think there is a clear stereotype of a mum being at home with a baby. Motherhood can be in different forms its whatever you make it. I know amazing women who don’t have their children with them due to loss but they are still very much mothers.

What a family looks like is not the 2.4 linear model anymore. You can be a family without children. My husband and I are already a family, I think a family is what you choose for it to be.

Eve: How’s your pregnancy been so far, I know you’re getting closer now, has this been a smooth journey for you?

Beth: Health wise it’s been a straightforward pregnancy with no complications. It has not been physically tiring but mentally for the first trimester I was always on high alert and super anxious. It took me a long time for me to think that this is a baby we are going to bring home with us.

I break things down into milestones, so I can tick things off as we get closer. I needed to get by day by day. Where we are at now is planning the nursery and talking about names. Everyone’s journey is different, but I have found that in the scope after loss it does get easier.

We have started hypnobirthing recently. I sent her an email before being really honest saying I don’t have any fears around labour, but I’m was scared I won’t bring my baby home from the hospital. Since then, we have done a couple of sessions and it has really helped improve my headspace, I feel a lot calmer.

Eve: What is the main mantra you live your live by?

Beth: I would say every day is a new day and take it as it comes and think this applies to all areas of life. The sun rises every day and time keeps going. It’s the one constant we can rely on.

Eve: Thanks so much for being very open, I found it incredibly interesting!