It’s time for the Saturday Special. In today’s Saturday Special, I walk through the causes of bitterness and the cures for bitterness. In today’s episode, I will be referring to an article published by Leon F Seltzer, PHD at Psychology Today to help show the costs of bitterness. I found his article incredibly insightful so I want to make sure I give credit to him. I will post the link to the article in the episode description.
With that being said, I want to start by defining bitterness.
Bitterness can be defined as a smoldering resentment towards something or someone that has hurt you. Bitterness is always pain not dealt with properly. In today’s episode, I want to look at the impact that bitterness can have on us and what we can do to combat bitterness.
Costs of Bitterness (8):
1. Prolonged mental and emotional pain
2. Leads to long-lasting anxiety and depression
3. Can lead to committing acts of violence
4. Prevents you from experiencing full joy of living presently
5. Create distrust in your relationships
6. Prevents you from creating new and healthy relationships
7. Cause you to psychically suffer (Insomnia, high blood pressure, back pain, headaches)
8. Blind you from seeing your involvement in the situation
Now that we understand the causes and costs of bitterness, let’s look at the cures for bitterness.
Cures for Bitterness:
The most widely accepted and believed cured for bitterness in both the Bible and the Psychology field is forgiveness. It seems that there is not getting around the fact that forgiveness is the most powerful force in freeing you from bitterness. I know that we all want a different answer that does not require forgiveness. It might seem impossible to forgive the person or situation that hurt you but it will make a profound difference in your life. Bitterness is a trap that keeps us from living free. While you sit their bitter, the person may be walking around with no idea that you are hurting or they have moved on entirely yet you stay imprisoned to that past situation. Now there are certainly situations that make forgiveness harder than others. For example, a family member abusing you or neglecting you is almost guaranteed to be harder to forgive than that coworker who said something mean about you behind your back. There is no doubt in my mind that there are levels to bitterness but I will stand by the fact that regardless of the degree of bitterness, all bitterness is a prison. My desire is to see you walk in freedom.
The common misconception about forgiveness is you have to trust someone again after you forgive them. This is not true. You forgiving someone does not mean you need them back in your life. It does not mean you recklessly enter back into a relationship or situation that hurt you. Forgiveness is letting go of the resentment and anger, choosing to not hold a grudge or bitterness towards the person, and choosing to move on. Forgiveness does not equal forgetting what happened. Forgivness is more about choosing to look at the sitatuion through a different light and choosing to no longer let the situation imprison you today.
The other misconception is that forgiveness is a one step process. This is crap. Forgiveness is a process that takes time and often takes multiple attempts to forgive the person. I found that James Messina has a great example of a four step process that you can use to help cure bitterness in your life.
1. Identify source of bitterness and what this person did to evoke your resentful feelings
2. Develop a new way of looking at your past, present, and future— including how resentment has negatively affected your life and how letting go can improve your life
3. Write a letter to the person, describing their offenses towards you, then forgive, and let go of them (don’t send letter)
4. If bitterness remains, repeat the process
Now this process seems simple because it is simple. Sometimes we want the most complicated blueprint possible to move forward when in all reality life’s most profound changes come from simple steps. Your pain is real, your past is real, and your frustration is understandable, but you must fight to move forward. Life is too precious and too short to let the past imprison you. You are too strong and too valuable to let past pain keep you from present flourishing. The bitterness may feel impossible to let go of but keep fighting to move forward. Use the tools I provided in this podcast to help you overcome the bitterness in your life. I value you and want to see you flourish in your life. The mountain looks impossible but if you are willing to take it one step at a time, you can reach the top. Fight to forgive and move forward today.