Mary writes, 

My husband and I have been married for a year and a half and we have hit a rough patch.  I lost my job due to MS and it’s caused such a strain that I’ve decided to stay with my mother than continue living with my husband.  What should we do to get things back on track?

Your health is one of the most important things and should be your primary purpose.  This situation has given both of you an opportunity to learn patience, compassion and understanding.  They are each important and powerful skills that don’t come easy at times. But they are required during difficult times.  But let’s start with the fundamentals of staying connected to your husband, even if he can’t give you the same level of TLC as your mom.  Please don’t deny him an opportunity to help support you in the best ways he can.

I would recommend doing three things:

Set aside at least 20 minutes (more if you have it) to have a REAL conversation. They should only talk about one stressor in each conversation.  Pick one stressor or concern you have and talk about it. But before the conversation, they should set the ground rule, that whatever is shared is not intended to place blame, anger, frustration or disappointment.  The goal here is to get used to talking about what is stressing them out, but sometimes they don’t have the best words to describe what they are experiencing. Second, it gives the other person an opportunity to learn how to listen without responding to negative cues that make them feel attacked and disrespected. 

  They need to create the habit of praying twice a day (together).  This is not intended to be anything long and formal. Only a reminder that they are not in this life experience alone. They should do this morning and night.  This will help them start their day off right and end the day by sharing their gratitude and concerns. After all, they don’t have to solve everything in a day or by themselves. 

  Take a few moments to spend time together and not think or discuss the stressors that are happening around them.  This is not about avoiding their troubles. Instead, this is to help each other deal with stress in a healthier way than attacking each other out of fear.  They could go for a walk and talk about movies or tv… anything other than the major stress in their lives. They need to take a moment and laugh, connect and see the good that they each bring into the relationship.  

 

I hope this helps get you both back on track to understanding and supporting each other the best you can.  

 Wishing you all the best, 

Shawna