Beliefs can frame how we see ourselves, the world and the relationships around us. Some of our beliefs are based on what we have learned from the experience and understanding of others. But can a belief really change? And, aren’t some beliefs helpful because they provide an emotional and spiritual foundation for living? The answer to this question is yes, our beliefs provide the blueprint for how we think the world works and what we think is truly available for us.
Sadly, however, there are times the assessments, judgments and experiences of others can cloud our own thoughts and feelings of how and what we believe is true about ourselves. If more than one teacher told you, you would never be good in math. Or a parent told you, that you were too plain, overweight to be attractive. We have a way of internalizing these perceptions of others as truths about ourselves. Then we go along living our lives telling ourselves that we are stupid, ugly or unattractive. When in reality we have the capability to learn, change and evolve when we are giving the tools and support, we need to overcome our deepest insecurities.
For example, when I was in school, I was told that I didn’t have the mind for figures. I thought, “Well they are the adults they should know. I guess I don’t have to get upset when I don’t do as well on my tests.”
I internalized this judgement as true to the point that every time I sat down to balance my checkbook; I would have a great deal of anxiety…. not necessarily because of the balance, but the simple fear that I would do it wrong.
Then years later I was at a crossroads and I had to make the decision about going to grad school and pursuing my dreams or staying in my dead end job because it was the safe choice.
My biggest fear about grad school was the math requirement. After all, I “didn’t have a mind for figures.” I thought, well now I’m older and will ask others for help and actually learn something this time. That is exactly what I did. I found a tutor who was willing to help me get a better understanding of how numbers work and then how they are used in various forms of mathematics. As a side note, if you are looking for a good foundational math book, check out the Math Smart Series, its demystified mathematics and brought my understanding and confidence to a more manageable level. Now do I love math? No, but I’m not intimidated by it compared to when I was younger.
This whole illustration is to prove that there are times in life when we have to become mindful about the beliefs we hold and whether these beliefs are still true? IF we are living well, we are growing and evolving as individuals learning to be more authentic and confident with showing the world who we really are.
It’s with this motivation and intention that I want to discuss a few Relationship Myths or Limiting Beliefs that are preventing you from creating the life and love you need to live your fullest potential.
There are so many bad relationship habits that are applauded, magnified and cheered in modern day life. As a result, it makes it a challenge to help see how some of these expectations can do more harm than good when entering into or trying to maintain a healthy relationship.
While somethings may be said as a funny joke, deep down I think people actually believe them.
Here are a few I see the most often:
If the relationship is meant to be, it will just happen. Relationships are like boats that they take direction from the people on the boat. Yes, you could let the boat drift out to sea, come what may or you can decide your course together and work together towards a common vision… making adjustments as tides and life change.
If mama ain't happy, nobody's happy. There are two people in a relationship, and if Papa has to be the one that always gives, he will likely begin to resent mama over the long term. Trust me, everyone has a breaking point. If the guy is always the person at fault he will start to give up and not even try to do anything, if everything he does is wrong, no matter his intention.
If you love someone, you want to spend all your time or at least as much time as possible with them. Spending time is Dr. Gary Chapman's Love Languages. Yes, spending time is important, but it’s also important to have a good balance of life outside the relationship. Interests and friendship outside of marriage can make for a more rewarding and satisfying relationship, because your mate does not carry the weight of being the end all be all for you.
If you love someone, they will make you happy and know what you need without saying anything.
It’s better to avoid a fight, then make things worse. While avoidance is one way to deal with conflict, it’s not a great go to method. Because the conflict will not magically disappear. People may avoid conflict so as to not cause drama in front of others. Or to wait until there is a more appropriate time to discuss what is going on. The issue will need to be dealt with. For example, if your mate is constantly late for appointments, you can tell them how much it annoys you and how you wish they would be on time. Or you will have to find a creative way to keep your mate on time.
Don’t go to bed mad. Are you likely going to sleep better if you have resolved conflicts before going to bed? Yes, but is it better to fight all night, possibly getting stuck in a conflict cycle that never ends, because each of you is trying to prove your point. No. If you have reached an impasse and feel so emotionally overloaded that you can’t think, that is the time, to stop, take a deep breath, take a break and go into separate rooms. Nothing is ever resolved when both people are flooded with emotions. Such emotional flooding puts our bodies into fight or flight modes. If you want to resolve a conflict wait until both of you have calmed down and actually have the emotional bandwidth to hear what each other is saying, rather than spending time trying to defend your position. Remember, healthy couples do argue, but when they take a step back, they remember the importance of listening to understand and be understood. Instead of trying to prove a point.
True love is when you can’t tell where you begin and your partner ends. No, that’s called codependency. You can adore your husband, but you are two distinct individuals within a marriage. You each have your own feelings, history, expectations and beliefs about the world that may be different from each other. That’s why it’s a good idea never to assume how your mate will respond or react to any given situation. They may surprise you.
My mate knows exactly what they did to upset me. I don’t have to say anything. No, that is not correct. If your mate has done something to upset you, you need to let them know directly and clearly. Don’t play games, don’t wait for them to approach you simply say, when you said or did X, you really hurt my feelings. Please don’t do that again. This is one way you communicate how you want to be treated and what is not acceptable.
If we fight a lot, it’s okay because that means we are two passionate people.
Many people confuse the feelings of conflict as that of passion. When in reality, they are very different experiences. When we experience passion our heart and mind are focused on every aspect of another person. Our senses are heightened. We long to be as close as possible to another person.
In conflict, our emotions are heightened, but the focus and goal are something different. When we feel the rush of energy in our body, we naturally turn on the primal fight or flight instinct. Many times, we focus on defending ourselves from another. Trying to argue, cry, shut down, or physically react to the environment to communicate our anger, frustration, fear or hate.
In both situations, our bodies are flooded with adrenaline and a cocktail of other assorted cocktails hormones. And, it is true after both situations, our body begins to calm down and return to a more relaxed state. However, the result of the aftermath will be very different. In the first instance passion is hopefully matched with intimacy, connection and vulnerability with another person.
In the second situation, words and actions have been expressed with the specific intent to hurt and harm another person. Our intention is not to be understood or to grow together in vulnerability. Instead, we view the other as a threat to our existence and who must be destroyed at any cost.
In short, passion is available to us as a means of connecting to another, a safe person to be vulnerable with and an experience where we can create something beautiful. Conflict is an expression of disagreement and misunderstanding. A lack of connection and at times a form of protection from being seen and understood by another person.
I want you to take a moment and think about a relationship that is important to you. I want you to think about the last time you had an argument. Who was the first to say they were sorry? Is that person the one who seems to always apologize? I’m not saying they have never done something to be sorry for, but what I am suggesting is, is it possible there are times when both of you have been in the wrong, but the other person takes the weight of the blame to return the relationship to a peaceful state? Does it really work? My guess is, the answer is no, and the same conflict continues to reappear. We will discuss how to prevent recurring fights in a later episode. But for now, I want you to allow yourself to question what you believe about what is acceptable behavior in your relationships and if your beliefs are what you really believe or are they beliefs that others told you, you had to have. Once you know what is true for you, you will be able to advocate and ask for what you need in more concrete ways.
I’ve also included a list of my favorite books when it comes to overcoming limiting beliefs as a significant step towards developing your truest potential for an amazing life.
Recommended Reading List
The Big Leap by Gay Hindricks* https://amzn.to/2Un11Wa
The Magic of Thinking Big by David Schwartz* https://amzn.to/2QPZGFm
The Psychology of Winning by Denis E. Waitley* https://amzn.to/2vUIur5
*These are affiliate links that will not increase the cost of the book, but your purchase provides a small commission which helps support this program. Thank you!
