Andrew writes, My wife and I have been married for 12 years, and well, we have turned into being roommates, so much so, I have decided to ask for a divorce.  We separated a few months back (to see if we should divorce.) We have moved back in together, but I honestly, don’t want to be married any more. What should I do?  How should I tell her? I am a bit of a people pleaser and I don’t like arguments; how can I tell her without all of the drama?

First, I would like to remind you and anyone considering divorce.  Divorce is hard, so make sure you have done everything you possibly can to reconnect with your spouse and attempt to rediscover who they are and who you can be in each others life.  I would also recommend looking into the book, “The Love Dare” because it gives you practical ways you can reconnect with your wife in both romantic, emotional and spirtiual ways. Remember love is a choice you make everyday you are married.  If you have done everything you can to redicover your wife, you have spoken with trusted friends and professionals about where you are in life and what you need in order to be happy, and it still does not include being married to your wife… then and only then would I say take the next steps. 

Before you make any major changes or try to talk to your wife about your change of heart, I invite you to consider your answers to these questions.  

I also want to ask you a few questions.  The goal here is to help you figure out what you are expecting verses what you are experiencing in your marriage.  

Are you saying the love you have for her is more friendly than romantic?  

Have there been situations when you have felt disrespected or dismissed by your wife?  Do you conversations quickly turn negative and judgemental? Do you feel the marriage is a series of manipulative game playing?  What specific instances have made you feel less than? Please take a few days to answer these questions and get clear about why you believe marriage is no longer something you want in your life.  

In the end, if you are not clear about what you want and need from her or address those situations that have caused you to adjust your feelings towards her, things will not improve. 

Once you have your list of situations that chipped away your romantic feelings and once you get clear about how you want and need to be treated, you can begin better understand what you need from her in order to feel loved and secure in the relationship. 

Now, realize once you do sit down with her and explain everything that you have been holding on too, she will likely feel overwhelmed and defensive. (i.e. Why didn’t you tell me this before?)  Let her have her moment and respect her feelings, but stay focused about what you are really needing from her in order to regain the romantic love you feel is currently lacking.  

If you are both willing to try and make an improved effort to fall back in love, or find better ways of communicating with each other when either one of you is upset, you will likely find that the secure romantic feeling will likely return.  

I would think long and hard before breaking up, because divorce is absolutely no picnic and the grass isn’t always greener. Use this time as an opportunity to improve your self awareness about what you need and want in your marriage relationship, and try to be a better advocate for yourself.  

If she is unwilling to become more mindful about your concerns, or falls into old habits within a few weeks…. That is a different story.  But at least you will have a clearer idea about why the relationship needs to end.  

 This isn’t about making the other person out to be the evil one, this is about respecting the other for who they are and what they may not be capable of providing you in a relationship.  She may love you, but she is unable to meet your basic needs within the relationship. For example, you may need more encouraging words of appreciation and physical touch, but she having to say something nice or hug and kiss you often are a waste of time. This is a problem.  Each of you will feel frustrated because what you need is not natural for her to give, and you aren’t receiving what you need to feel loved and secure in the relationship. 

I am assuming of course, that the major issue here is a matter of marital incompatibility and not something more extreme. 

We all carry baggage into our relationships.  Over time, what will happen is your resentment towards her will grow and the relationship will likely turn toxic.   The majority of people don’t change overnight, and how you feel didn’t just happen. So, improving the situation will take time.  If you are both willing to be committed to each other and encourage each other to make an active effort to do better. 

I hope this helps. 

If you would like to ask relationship question, email Shawna at [email protected]

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