Laurie writes, 

My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years. He has recently changed his mind about my daughter and I moving in with him. We haven't been intimate in over 4 months. He tells me he loves me everyday. I asked him today, “What does he want from me? Or, does he want to be with me at all?” He said he doesn't know what he wants. He is my best friend and I love him something fierce. I don't know if I should walk away now and move on with my life or try to figure out a way to keep our relationship together. Please help.

It's so hard when someone we love doesn't love us back, in the way we would like. If he doesn't know what he wants, it will be close to impossible to move forward. 

However, consider this, if you truly love each other, your relationship will be at its best when both of you are ready and willing to love each other completely.

For now, don't make any major changes.  Instead, consider ways you can support his efforts to "figure it" out.  Does he need more time on his own, more money, success? If he really doesn't know what he wants, in order to be with you completely, then you need to give him space to figure it out, on his own. 

Most importantly, let him come to you when he is ready or wants to talk.  Most importantly, tell him this is what you are expecting. I realize this type of conversation is not easy.   

You could say something like, "I love you and I know you have some thinking to do, about us.  I will give you some space to think and will wait to hear from you. If you want to talk at any time, I'm here.  Just know how much I love you."

Take things day by day and without any major expectations of him or the future of your relationship.  Make sure he knows that you are there for him and will still love him, no matter what he decides.   

How long you should wait for him to figure things out will be up to you.  Ask yourself, "How much time am I willing to wait before I start to feel frustrated and angry?"  You shouldn't put your life on hold, just because he doesn't know what he wants. 

If you NEED to know what he wants, in order to feel secure in the relationship, and he is not capable of giving that to you, then you will need to be willing to walk away.  I know this is the most difficult option, but if you NEED to know what he wants for your relationship to succeed, and he doesn't/can't give that to you, in time, both of you will start to resent and hate each other.

If the romantic relationship needs to end, then let it be what it is, rather than what you had hoped it would be.  This doesn't mean you can't be "friends", it just means you no longer have "romantic" expectations of him.

If the "romantic relationship" must end, you owe it to yourself and your daughter, to keep your heart open to finding someone who will love you completely and willingly. 

Not knowing what you want can be heartbreaking and can cause stress and a loss of sleep and time enjoying life.  If you need help trying to figure out what you want, check out the link in the description for my free guide that I use when couples come to my mediation table. 

Wishing you all the best,

Shawna 

To learn more about the Adore More Challenge and learn about the 12 forms of connection and intimacy and check out the free pdf guide, click here.