Night Terrace: For Your Ears Only

You have completed the D.E.P.A.R.T.M.E.N.T. Stage 4 Training Module.

Please listen to Agent Susan Denholm’s concluding remarks.

A transcript appears below. If you require clarification, please visit the FOR YOUR EARS ONLY information page.

Good work, Agent. You have completed the regime, undetected.

We know that being in the field incommunicado can be tough. Remember to fill the well. Bake yourself a sugary treat, pick a flower hanging over a fence and technically on public property, or take some time to experience some locally made, high quality audio comedy.

You deserve it.

The tenth instruction for the D.E.P.A.R.T.M.E.N.T. Stage 4 Training Module. A transcript appears below. If you require clarification, please visit the FOR YOUR EARS ONLY information page.

Complete a bio scan of your human flesh. Where are the areas of current weakness?

If in the lower abdomen, look to where the water flows.

If in the throat area, you may need to hydrate. Drink 1 fnub.

If you have not prepared for this mission adequately, stay true to your disguise and locate either a café or a craft beer establishment.

Yes, I am aware that D.E.P.A.R.T.M.E.N.T. agents have been trained to only ingest tea, due to the high risk of contamination by the cacao bean and barley crops of Bantonerro. This is an assumed risk, and it will do you good to build up a digestive resistance.

The ninth instruction for the D.E.P.A.R.T.M.E.N.T. Stage 4 Training Module. A transcript appears below. If you require clarification, please visit the FOR YOUR EARS ONLY information page.

Agents can often scope out their environments undetected by utilising reflective surfaces. Find one.

Use your device to send a demonstration of your covert observance skills, transmitting using the code that you really should have memorised by now.

Do I have to tell you again? 

The eighth instruction for the D.E.P.A.R.T.M.E.N.T. Stage 4 Training Module. A transcript appears below. If you require clarification, please visit the FOR YOUR EARS ONLY information page.

A good agent does not form bad habits.

Find the next street that you have not yet travelled upon, and turn into it.

Do your highly attuned D.E.P.A.R.T.M.E.N.T. instincts suggest that you don’t take this particular path, due to an unsavoury smell, sight or feeling? If your mother told you to jump off a cliff, would you do it?

Clearly not. Take the next one, Agent.

The seventh instruction for the D.E.P.A.R.T.M.E.N.T. Stage 4 Training Module. A transcript appears below. If you require clarification, please visit the FOR YOUR EARS ONLY information page.

Once at this location, listen very carefully. I shall say this only once. Our analysts have intercepted reports of strange noises at this location. We need your assessment, Agent.

Transmit either a transcription of the first sentence overheard, or do your best to mimic the sound you hear. Transmit via the bird channel or the medium of weighty moments.

The sixth instruction for the D.E.P.A.R.T.M.E.N.T. Stage 4 Training Module. A transcript appears below. If you require clarification, please visit the FOR YOUR EARS ONLY information page.

There is a building to the northwest. Move toward it.

The fifth instruction for the D.E.P.A.R.T.M.E.N.T. Stage 4 Training Module. A transcript appears below. If you require clarification, please visit the FOR YOUR EARS ONLY information page.

You have been detected by a rival agency utilising the latest bio-tracking technology. Walk quickly to the nearest nature dominant area, and find a section of grass that you can be seated on.

Close your eyes, so a retina scan cannot be performed, likely leading to your identification.

Slow your breath.

Breathe in for 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 and out for 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

And repeat.

Acknowledge every bone in your body, every muscle, every organ – except of course the ones that the D.E.P.A.R.T.M.E.N.T. has removed. No one really knows what a spleen does, after all.

Good work, agent. You have successfully evaded identification.

Resume your covert persona and take a selfie – for that is what normal humans do. Include a location item in the background, so that our agents can log this as an area patrolled by those who seek to destroy us. We cannot allow them to destroy the equipment.

The fourth instruction for the D.E.P.A.R.T.M.E.N.T. Stage 4 Training Module. A transcript appears below. If you require clarification, please visit the FOR YOUR EARS ONLY information page.

While the D.E.P.A.R.T.M.E.N.T. is operating underground, I am unable to give you clear coordinates for this mission. Use the initial of your middle name to plot your path. For example, if your middle name is Zoe, travel along the street heading East, then diagonally across the street, then head East again. If it’s Luke, turn left (not right, Donna) at the end of the road. If it’s Warren, I don’t know what to tell you. Figure it out. 

At the end location, there will be an item of interest to the D.E.P.A.R.T.M.E.N.T. Use your toileting entertainment device’s camera function to discreetly snapshot this intelligence, then transmit back to the D.E.P.A.R.T.M.E.N.T. via the channel of the bird, using #TerraceTo5K. Our analysts will know what to do. Ensure that the subject within the image is not necessarily the object of first focus. Remember: we are testing your ability to code your message within a message.

The third instruction for the D.E.P.A.R.T.M.E.N.T. Stage 4 Training Module. A transcript appears below. If you require clarification, please visit the FOR YOUR EARS ONLY information page.

Scan your periphery. Are you being followed? You may need to alter your path. Cross to the other side of the asphalted traffic movement area. If in doubt, bend to tie your shoelace then do a subtle U-turn. How did I know your shoes had laces? If you had followed agency protocol, and intelligence reports of local attire, you should currently be wearing runners, converse sneakers or black Doc Martens boots.

The second instruction for the D.E.P.A.R.T.M.E.N.T. Stage 4 Training Module. A transcript appears below. If you require clarification, please visit the FOR YOUR EARS ONLY information page.

Now that you have turned right, increase your pace. Remember your training: if you don’t want it to look like you a running, lengthen your stride ever so slightly more. Agents who have been on extensive D.E.P.A.R.T.M.E.N.T desk duty may notice a slight burning in the hip flexor area. Sink into it. Feel that burn. But do remember that the D.E.P.A.R.T.M.E.N.T does not offer comprehensive health insurance. That’s what Medicare is for.