“My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.”
God created us for relationships. Before there was a universe, there was already love: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit sharing life together. Because God is love, He made us in His image and invited us into His family. That is what it means to be born again — a new life with God, and then better relationships with each other.
Somewhere along the line, we mess that up. Sin makes us selfish. Stress makes us sloppy. And the thing that usually snaps first is communication.
This is week three of our Better Together series at Oasis. The message is for dating and marriage, but it also works with a difficult boss, a noisy neighbor, a roommate, and anyone else you have to live with. Relationships are hard. If you have ever thought, “We just grew apart,” this is for you.
What communication actually means
Communicate means to find common ground. It means to come face to face. John 1 says, “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God.” That little word with points to intimate companionship — face-to-face relationship.
For 26 years I worked as a family court mediator. My job was to get people who often could not stand each other to sit down and talk about the things that mattered: kids, money, custody. Because I am a nosy guy, I would ask them how it started. Almost every couple began with “I love you, I want you, I need you.” A few years later it was, “Get this idiot out of here.”
Was it money? Usually no. The in-laws? Not the main reason. Even cheating was not the number one answer I heard. The biggest reason people broke up was lack of communication. “We just grew apart. We’re not on the same page anymore.”
You can look at the same tomato and argue about how to say the word. Same fruit. Different angle. That is what happens in a lot of homes.
A disclaimer: James was not writing a dating manual. Dating as we know it is modern. He was writing to Jewish Christians scattered under stress. When life gets hard, we stop communicating well. James gives three commands — not suggestions — that will raise the level of every relationship you have.
Command 1: Be quick to listen
Quick here means eager. Give full attention before you give your opinion.
Most of us say we want to hear the other person. What we actually want is to get our view in. We prepare the answer while they are still talking. That is not communication. That is a speech waiting for a pause.
About 94 percent of communication is nonverbal. Words matter, but body language often matters more. Arms crossed. Body turned away. Eyes on the phone. Those things say, “I am already gone,” even if your mouth says, “I’m listening.”
“If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.” — Proverbs 18:13
A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his own opinion. James says the opposite: take in what they are saying before you respond. You do not have to agree. You do have to understand.
Active listening
In mediation we learned to rephrase. Someone would talk, and I would say, “So what you mean is…” using different words. If they said yes, two things happened. First, the fog cleared. Second, they felt worth listening to. Who does not want that?
Even if you do not like what you are hearing, at least you know what you are dealing with.
Three listening habits
Put the phone down. Looking at a screen while someone talks is selective listening. That is how “take the garbage out” never happens.Do not finish their sentence. Let them get to the end.Reflect it back. Ask, “Did I get that right?” You are not surrendering. You are making sure you heard the heart, not just the volume.Command 2: Be slow to speak
Slow like molasses. Restrained. Not blurting before you have the facts.
“When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent.” — Proverbs 10:19
Whoever restrains his words has knowledge, and the one who has a cool spirit is a person of understanding. Words are a fire. They can give life or they can give death. It can take a lifetime to build respect and one sentence to lose it. I have watched one angry word wreck a marriage, split a church friendship, and in some cases lead to violence and jail.
“There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” — Proverbs 12:18
This sounds like kindergarten. The question is whether we practice it. Our culture gives us plenty of loud examples. God’s Word gives us a better one: speak truth in love.
Death words to retire
“You always…” and “You never…” — They don’t. Maybe often. Not always.The silent treatment — That is not holiness. That is punishment.“Whatever.” — It sounds neutral. It is a death word. She hears “Chinese food is fine.” Later you ask why you are having Chinese food.Sarcasm used as a weapon — It can be funny until it pushes the one button that hurts.Public shaming — Do not correct your date, your spouse, or your teammate in front of a room. Speak one-on-one. I learned this the hard way as a pastor and had to repent.Ephesians 4:29 says it straight: let no unwholesome word come out of your mouth, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs. Honesty without kindness is cruelty. Kindness without honesty is cowardice. You need both. Watch your timing and your tone.
Command 3: Be slow to become angry
Be slow like that old ketchup commercial — anticipation. Do not dump the bottle in one shake.
Why? James 1:20: human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires. There is such a thing as righteous anger. Most of what we call righteous is just us wanting control. Vengeance belongs to the Lord. He will repay. Our job is often to pray, not to explode.
Human anger tends to end badly. Think Cain and Abel. Think a word that turns into a fight that turns into a wrecked home.
“A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” — Proverbs 15:1
That is de-escalating. If you are in the honeymoon phase and think you will never argue, enjoy it. Every couple argues. The question is when and how. How you argue often decides whether the relationship lasts.
A fool gives full vent to his spirit. A wise person quietly holds it back, steps away, and prays before coming back. There is a time to show emotion. The moment you have been taken off at the knees is usually not it.
Five practices for this week
Pick one relationship — dating, marriage, work, family — and practice these:
A better Word than our words
James is like the Proverbs of the New Testament. The gospel is just as simple, and just as easy to miss. Jesus died on the cross for your sin. If you trust Him, you are forgiven. You can have a new life. You can live with Him forever.
2 Corinthians 5:17 says that if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old junk — the pain, the blown conversations, the history you think disqualifies you — can be made new. John 6:37: the one who comes to Jesus He will never drive away. You take one step toward Him, and He does not slam the door. He says, “Come home.”
God wants communication with you. He already made the first move. The blood of Jesus is the invitation.
This post follows Pastor David Butler’s
Better Together message, “How to Have Better Communication in Relationships,” from James 1:19.
[Insert MP3 player here: How to Have Better Communication in Relationships.mp3]
Rutgers Oasis Church · Pastor David Butler
Sundays at 12:00 PM · Free brunch at 11:30 AM
100 College Ave, New Brunswick, NJ
732-406-7821 · [email protected]
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