just cause of Megadeath's song was in my head.

He once made me a xmas gift for me he said. Play person played a recording of a song he 'made for me'. I think my brain took 'made about me' and turned it into 'for me'. I never heard it again even though my gift and I've asked a couple of times for it. I suspect, with thoughts that it was for his friends about me.

A lump in my throat.

My fantasies are out of control.

I now keep a mental list active with our incompatibilities as a reminder he's not a fit for me. Ok for a play but not the person I see helping me co create a partnership. On that list a reminder his voice telling me, I take the word 'partner' too literally; which is why I refer to him as play person. Hilarious when words are taken too literal. Yet with this list I know too that I could talk myself out of this dynamic, so I end it with, "This journey is about discovering not deciding." He's wants to be a npc. It's about me.

Part of the autism is the ability to lose myself in fantasy. Because of this your words, your profile, your actions I keep so close to my face there is no room to fantasize you being anything other than what you continue to show me. This is how I decide how active or inactive I want you in my life and at what capacity. This will help in any future suffering I may have. This will also help me when dating. I already noticed during a wonderful 2 hour phone call a fantasy about a person rising then I shot down quickly because he is married/enm and I am looking for a partner free person.